Do I stop initiating sex? Sad and feeling confused :(

[middleagebumpyroad]

Hi there ,
I’ve been with DP just over 4 years. We are both on 40’s though he’s 5 years younger. We don’t live together as we both have DC however in a month had at least 50% together day and night as my kids are at their dads 50% of time and he only has his every other weekend and holidays as they live an hour away. So anyway … sex has always been great with my DP, he has no issues getting hard, can last for ages and go the second round within 10 mins of climax.
However what I’ve noticed is sex for last few months has been initiated by me. Sometimes I will just initiate as I want that closeness as well as the sex and think if I don’t I’ll feel frustrated and sad.
So, basically because of Easter hols plus both of us being sick, we haven’t had sex in 10 days. He’s staying over from tomorrow night till Wednesday morning. I’m thinking not to initiate sex while he’s here and see what happens.
I did mention on text jokingly last night that since being on pill it seems to have been a curse as we’ve had less sex ( some of this is due to have less nights together as I needed to have older DC more and she doesn’t want dp to stay over as she’s still got ick her mums in a relationship).
that text was ignored as he just messaged good night. I don’t want to bring it up again just see what happens. Has anyone else done this and what was the outcome?
I did mention it before Christmas and then he got more proactive at initiating. But I don’t know if the issue was that I took over and in a way don’t let him initiate. I’m not sure if I’m the problem?
On a normal week we’d have sex 3 times at best and twice at worst. It always lasts from
30 mins to an hour.
anyway I think I’m not gonna initiate this weekend. I’m not sure what I’m trying to achieve - I will probably hurt myself tbh. He’s happy rug out sex life, really enjoys it and always compliments me during the act on what I’m doing but not really telling me how much he fancies me.
if you read this far thank you and sorry if I’ve rambled!

Just speak to him surely? Don't point fingers, don't blame him and big up the compliments.

I love you and I really enjoy sex with you. It would really make me feel desirable and turn me on if you were to take the lead with sex. Surprise me with something 😉

@middleagebumpyroad
Well obviously she shouldn't have to drop them to him or collect them when she has them nearly all of the time? I don't think doing a whole 2 hours extra driving on a work day to see his own kids on the week he doesn't have them means my assumption is far from reality.
Also doing lots for your kids doesn't mean he's not a lazy parent to his own.

I think you're looking for an issue where there isn't one.

Don't cut your nose off to spite your face. You want & enjoy sex with him. If you have to initiate. Is that really such a big deal?

I initiate with my partner, get turned down and don't really get any affection on a day to day either. Could be much worse for you...

@kkloo i shouldn’t have to explain and justify but his wife had an affair and left him for another man with 2 small children . She is very clingy of kids and he wants more time with kids and I want that for him too as it will make him so happy. I don’t want to keep justifying to you that he’s a good dad and every weekend he has them he has plans to make them happy. He’s asked for over week nights too. She won’t take turns for him to have them at Christmas either. He would need to go legal and it’s something we’ve discussed and I’ve already said financially I will help him if he goes down this route. Im
not sure if you’ve divorced or what your circumstance is but your post is off.

@kkloo is her choice to have them and she gets a generous maintenance too! But she will happily give him more holidays when she wants to go away. And that’s fine too as we want to have the kids more and they love being with him! And also with me and my kids !

I’m sorry to hear that .. and yes I take your point about not cutting off my nose to spite my face. I don’t know whether I’m trying to fix something that isn’t broken or end up breaking something that’s good ..

There’s something off here.

Thank you all for your comments. It’s the first time I’ve posted here and thanks for the constructive comments as well as sharing your own experiences. I’m going to leave this thread and concentrate on trying to relax and hopefully have a chilled one with Dp.

If one partner is frequently the initiator and it ends up in a happy outcome for both, this is not a problem.

As long as the end is alright!

I think you're looking for an issue where there isn't one

Be wary of any advice which regards your feelings as a non-issue, @middleagebumpyroad You are sad and confused, and you're not getting the relationship you want. Don't minimise your feelings. If he loves you, he will want to hear about them, and he'll be respectful and mindful of them. You're not having this relationship so that you can 'get it right'; there is no 'right'. You want to feel happier than this, so, something has to change, and it's not you learning to brush your feelings aside better.

@Watchkeys you make a good point and I do feel sad and I don’t feel I can go on feeling like this forever, I feel like an empty shell lately.

So update … over the weekend he initiated on Saturday night and again on Sunday morning. I went to bed Saturday night just in a cute nightie and the attitude that I would not be upset of nothing happened as we’d had such a nice day and evening together and it was the first time we’d really relaxed in a few weeks. I feel better for taking a step back and seeing what happened and maybe I need to give him a chance to do more of that .
I didn’t discuss anything with him about me initiating all the time but I would have if nothing happened this weekend.

I think maybe as some of you have said maybe there is an underlying insecurity within myself and that’s up to me to fix and not DP.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't share it with him though. If you want intimacy, be intimate in what you share with him.

Compliments you during sex sounds quite nice! Which prob m

That's great news 👏🏻 glad to hear it. Hopefully it becomes a regular thing, which will help your insecurities around the issue.

Enjoy (whoever happens to lead..) 😊

OP I feel something in common with your feelings and circumstances— I do wonder if these quite loyal and good second time around guys got left the first time because they were reserved with compliments and sex, and their wives left them for someone more showy when self esteem was at rock bottom. I’ve got a chap like yours too and it’s really dented my esteem at points, though I can tell overall he’s good.

Thats so sad! Im objectively homely and my dh of 33 years finds me beautiful and says so frequently. He’s not buttering me up. Were you not there when they explained the related concepts “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” and “to be the apple of someone’s eye?”

@Catoo not sure that your problem is here .. if you don’t like this thread then don’t read it. I came on here for some advice and people have been pretty kind and helpful and constructive ( that excludes you if course as you are bordering on abusive here). Are you sure you’re not 12 with all the use of emojis?

Am I reading this right. You’re sad and confused because you haven’t had sex for ten days?? Absolutely ridiculous. Stop looking for problems.

@Noadvertising you didn’t read it right.

In my experience, when someone calls themselves a “girl”, they’re not usually one.

OP, there’s no bigger turn off than someone constantly waiting for sex, it’s counter productive.

I had a partner like this and I left for this reason - the weight and burden of expectation.

It might be that you need a therapist more than you need sex.