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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

His devious plan - can someone help me overcome it please?

84 replies

funditpun · 11/04/2024 17:27

Partner has gone ahead without my permission to renovate my garden. I know it's a plan to set up a beneficial interest in my home.

I am very vulnerable at the moment due to illness, so fighting against the browbeating and just ignoring me and going ahead with what he wants is not an option.

Is there a clever solicitor out there that can help me word an email to him that basically tells him that if he is doing this work, that he has no interest in my home etc. It is worrying me sick and I will be splitting with him but I can't at the moment.

I have sent texts etc pointing out that he ripped up my decking without my permission but he doesn't acknowledge it. He is doing this on purpose.

OP posts:
exexpat · 11/04/2024 18:08

I think I remember your previous thread. He has only recently moved in, and is not paying anything towards a mortgage? I hope you have told him by now that you are not going to marry him.

I am not a lawyer, but I don't think living in your house for a few months and ripping up/replacing some decking would be anywhere near enough for him to establish any right to the house. But you should get him out as soon as possible - it sounds like the relationship has totally broken down and he is showing his true colours.

pickledandpuzzled · 11/04/2024 18:10

You are ill and vulnerable.

Apart from wanting to avoid aggravation, do you need him to stay for any reason? Is he taking kids to school or anything?

If not, ring the police and women’s aid. Say he’s got a chainsaw and won’t stop destroying things in your garden. Say you are afraid of him.

Email him and cc a third party- maybe a local
councillor who will keep the email for you.
“I have repeatedly told you not to make alterations to my garden. Stop working and return everything to its former state within three weeks. Leave my house.”

Myopicglass · 11/04/2024 18:14

Call your old friends and apologise and tell them you are being abused. You may find they knew this would and will be back to help you.

I would.

Seaoftroubles · 11/04/2024 18:15

Do you have anyone at all who could come to support you? You say you are are scared of him and that is very concerning. Please do call the police and say you are frightened.

HesterPrincess · 11/04/2024 18:16

Call the Police, he's causing criminal damage. And get a locksmith out.

He has no rights to your property.

easilydistracted1 · 11/04/2024 18:20

If you are vulnerable due to a significant disability you could refer yourself to adult safeguarding for help. But yes also call the police

StedeBonnet · 11/04/2024 18:24

It doesn't sound like he has a leg to stand on.

Watchkeys · 11/04/2024 18:30

Why aren't you calling the police to sort out the chainsaw wielding man in your garden who is destroying your things?

What's stopping you? This is 999 material. He's got a dangerous weapon in his hands, you're scared of him, and he won't stop. You have to get the police to stop him.

Ellie525 · 11/04/2024 18:40

Please call the police and womens aid.. from sounds of it you need him gone asap.

Also friends (if true friends!) Will understand you need support! I was amazed how many of mine said after STBExH left "we knew but couldnt help as he cut you off" and were right back to help me... hope its same for you!!

Runnerinthenight · 11/04/2024 18:43

Don't wait for any reason. Get the police and get rid.

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 11/04/2024 18:45

I am in Hartlepool.. Anywhere near you op? I have a huge dh and 3 adult ds's... If you need them....

category12 · 11/04/2024 18:50

Why can't you call the police yet?

He has no rights to be in your home if you split up with him, if he's not on the mortgage or deeds and not paying you rent.

It seems like potentially having him removed by the police sooner rather later would be a good thing, not a bad thing.

Catoo · 11/04/2024 18:53

OP if this is real, you can and must throw him out.
Get some friends over to help while you get rid.
Call the police and say he’s ripping up your decking and has a chain saw and you’re scared.
It makes no sense to wait for any reason.

PinkArt · 11/04/2024 18:57

Get the bullying fucker out now. As in, immediately. Call the police now and say your abusive partner is on your property, causing damage against your wishes, with a chainsaw and you need their help and I remove him.
However bad things seem, however much you think getting rid of him right now isn't an option, they can only get better without him. If you need practical help, let us know what you need and people will be able to point you in the right direction.

CrunchingNumbers · 11/04/2024 19:00

A thread where I agree with every previous comment.

POLICE. NOW.

Zippedydoodahday · 11/04/2024 19:10

OP you need to call police NOW. This man is wielding a chainsaw and trying to find a way to get a share of your home whilst you are physically vulnerable. I'm concerned you're going to end up under the new decking to be frank.

Also call your old friends, apologise and explain about the the abuse. The vast majority of people would be understanding and supportive in that scenario.

AppleCrumbleTea · 11/04/2024 19:17

Call the police. He’s taking a chainsaw to your property when you’ve told him not to. He’s damaging your property

Chuck him out. Ask him to go and if he refuses call the police to remove him.

2024istheyearforme · 11/04/2024 20:40

Hes definitely doing it as a plan yes, no way a partner would act that way and go against your wishes, he probably knows you want rid of him so is rushing to get something out there so id be leaving before he manages too. Also yes keep filming yourself telling him you dont want him touching your garden, that hes ruining your property and not got permission to renovate it.

make sure its always filmed / and emailed/texted

YouAndZee · 11/04/2024 20:55

Jesus OP he sounds mad.

I am so sorry to hear you come from an abusive family, but this is a crucial time to stand up for yourself, ill or not. You must. Sending you love and strength. Some police departments have very good domestic abuse departments. Please contact them. They will be very interested (I hope) to hear about his threats on your property whilst holding a chainsaw.

Seaoftroubles · 11/04/2024 20:58

If this is genuine l hope the OP is OK.

Greywitch2 · 11/04/2024 21:04

The longer you leave this, the harder it will be to get rid of him, or to stop him trying to claim on your home.

For God's sake phone the police and get him removed. Say you are afraid of him. Say that he is damaging your property and refusing to stop.

The longer you say you can't do anything 'yet' the more established he will become and the more difficult you will find it to end things. You are basically enabling his plans.

Phone the police immediately.

Saytheyhear · 11/04/2024 21:10

I think in the case of vulnerability and risk of dv, the main advise is usually to wait until it is safe to proceed with reporting and proceed with caution.

Police seem to have very little training on dv and coercion etc which is why the first point of call would be woman's aid. From my understanding you can text them which helps you stay safe.

If you're I'll another option is to call the GP and then get an appointment so you can get them to report with you. Don't worry if you don't get an appointment, you just need to tell your DP that you have the appointment and at what time then go into the surgery without him.

The decking is just decking. You've made a safe space away from your abusive family and he's torturing you by trying to destroy it piece by piece.

You're not alone, keep writing here. We want to know if you're doing okay.

agent765 · 11/04/2024 21:39

This happened to my vulnerable neighbour. He isolated her from her family, then the people in our street who had daily contact with her before he arrived. He then started doing things just like your partner is doing.

She had an accident at home (fell down the stairs) and died a few days later in hospital.

Her partner tried ignoring her family about gaining access for her belongings and, quite frankly, to see what conditions he had her living in. They got the police involved and demanded an investigation.

He tried to do a runner, got caught but there was no evidence of wrongdoing so no charges brought.

The partner decided it would be best to leave this go and, we assume, find another woman to sponge off.

The family had been so close before this man arrived. They were gutted they lost their daughter/sister like this.

I'm not suggesting for a moment that her partner killed her nor that your partner would physically harm you. I don't have to. Mental cruelty is as bad as physical. Get him out.

Call your old friends and tell them what's been going on. Ask them to attend while you ask him to leave. Arrange to have a locksmith there at the same time.

Make sure you have this backup and witnesses.

I think that if you've been ill you should visit the GP or nurse and tell them this man is causing your mental health to deteriorate.

I know you don't feel up to it but you'll feel so much better when he's gone.

However, I would go with the above poster's suggestion to call the police and tell them he's destroying your property and won't leave. If nothing else you have a record of your complaint and can go from there.

Good luck.

Freesia9 · 11/04/2024 22:15

The quickest and surest way for him not to have any beneficial interest in your home is to end the relationship.

AlwaysTheRenegade · 11/04/2024 22:51

I'm so sorry you're scared of him.
I think go with Pps advice and get a solicitors letter, or call the police.

Life can be better than this for you, and even if you don't have real life support, please post here. I care about you, as do lots of posters. I know it can feel hopeless but the days are always darkest before the dawn 💐

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