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Original poster

NC MIL advice please

74 replies

Botheredbabybrain · 11/04/2024 13:14

I’m NC with my mother in law. After putting up with a lot and forgiving a hell of a lot (vicious emails about me including photos, not attending wedding, saying some
truly awful things about me), her screaming abuse in my face was the final straw. It’s been a few months and now DH just takes the children to see her or I go out when she’s round. It’s the easiest solution and DH and I are happy with it.

BUT

I am due to give birth imminently. MIL is pretty batshit and I am fairly sure she will just rock up at ours to see the baby. I have 0 intention of having her near the baby until baby is old enough to be without me (which won’t be for a while as she will be EBF), and I have no intention of letting her in my space when I am vulnerable/saggy/leaky!

is it ok to ask DH to turn her away if she drives 1 hour to get here and wants to see the baby?

OP posts:
Bryzoan · 11/04/2024 13:19

Personally, if she does turn up I’d suggest dh take the baby out for a walk / coffee with her. They could go out for an hour or 2 between feeds?

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 11/04/2024 13:21

This is your husband’s baby too.

Original poster
Botheredbabybrain · 11/04/2024 13:25

Bryzoan · 11/04/2024 13:19

Personally, if she does turn up I’d suggest dh take the baby out for a walk / coffee with her. They could go out for an hour or 2 between feeds?

my experience with my others is very much that sometimes they will go an hour without, and sometimes it’s only 10 minutes. I don’t really want to be parted from my newborn either.

I know it’s DH’s baby too but given the way she has behaved and the things she has said to me, and also the comments about my pregnancy weight - I don’t want to be around her and DH is more than happy with that. I just think in practicality it will be awkward if she actually shows up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Botheredbabybrain · 11/04/2024 13:26

Bryzoan · 11/04/2024 13:19

Personally, if she does turn up I’d suggest dh take the baby out for a walk / coffee with her. They could go out for an hour or 2 between feeds?

I’d be fine with this in a few months when she’s in more of an established feeding pattern and is older.

OP posts:
GreatGateauxsby · 11/04/2024 13:27

Personally my view is you have to make it work for you.

You'll be knackered anyway.
I'd go upstairs to the bedroom, close the door and sleep/relax. Let DH dealmwith everything and tell him to bring you the baby when shes gone.

Thats more constructive than "turn the woman who raised you away from our door"

pickledandpuzzled · 11/04/2024 13:29

Ask him not to tell people immediately.

If she turns up once she does know, you will have had a day or two to find your feet.

GreatGateauxsby · 11/04/2024 13:29

Just saw your updates.

If the baby is cluster feeding say "the baby is cluster feeding. I'll let you know when they are done DH"
take the baby with and go into your bedroom and close the door. I would let have have a 5 min hold and get dh to take a few snaps

Original poster
Botheredbabybrain · 11/04/2024 13:32

GreatGateauxsby · 11/04/2024 13:27

Personally my view is you have to make it work for you.

You'll be knackered anyway.
I'd go upstairs to the bedroom, close the door and sleep/relax. Let DH dealmwith everything and tell him to bring you the baby when shes gone.

Thats more constructive than "turn the woman who raised you away from our door"

Me going upstairs isn’t a bad idea. I just don’t want to feel like I’m hiding like a child in my house.

DH and MIL’s relationship is ruined because she just didn’t show up to his wedding without telling him she wasn’t. He was broken and humiliated and will never be alright with her, really. Tbh he would have been fine going NC but I thought it was better for him to have some sort of relationship with her, because she’s his mother. Sorry I should have made it clear they aren’t close. She is never there for him - he had quite a worrying exploratory medical procedure done recently and she was supposed to be around for that but wasn’t because she “had to go on a date”, after saying she would keep the day free. She’s not a great mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
Botheredbabybrain · 11/04/2024 13:32

pickledandpuzzled · 11/04/2024 13:29

Ask him not to tell people immediately.

If she turns up once she does know, you will have had a day or two to find your feet.

This is also a good idea

OP posts:
Original poster
Botheredbabybrain · 11/04/2024 13:33

I’m interested to hear that people So far think her right to see the baby trumps my right to feel comfortable

OP posts:
Original poster
Botheredbabybrain · 11/04/2024 13:34

I guess also my thinking is I would
be more willing to accommodate if it was properly
planned and agreed, rather than her just actually showing up to
blindside, which I think
is quite disrespectful

OP posts:
pickledandpuzzled · 11/04/2024 13:35

I was assuming he wanted to stay in touch.

Given the circumstances I’d be inclined to trust him not to let her in, and wait until you feel well enough to go for an outing in her area- you having a quiet hour in a park coffee shop while he does a duty visit with the dc and baby.

If she objects he’s not going to miss out massively!

pickledandpuzzled · 11/04/2024 13:37

Botheredbabybrain · 11/04/2024 13:33

I’m interested to hear that people So far think her right to see the baby trumps my right to feel comfortable

I was assuming DH would want to let her in, to be fair. Given the extremity of her behaviour I don’t think she has a right to see the baby.

I do think your DH has the right to show her the baby when it is appropriate. That’s totally different from her having a right to see the baby.

JamesPringle · 11/04/2024 13:38

I think you should respect your DH when he's fine to go NC with her. No way would my kids be spending time with someone who actively hates me.

TammyJones · 11/04/2024 13:40

Why insist he keeps in touch.
I'd let him go no contact.
All problems solved.
Until he draws the line she will continue to step over it anyway.

NCgoingdry · 11/04/2024 13:42

Fuck that for a laugh.

I would tell her myself to get fucked if she turned up at the door.

She's screamed at you, abused you in front of your kids? I wouldn't be letting her anywhere near them or me.

You've just grown and birthed an entire human being, as far as I'm concerned in the days imminently after that - what you say goes.

Sounds like your DH doesn't even want anything to do with her.

You wouldn't try and facilitate a relationship like this if it was former friend who had behaved this way? So why for his mother? Blood isn't always thicker than water.

unbelieveable22 · 11/04/2024 13:43

Considering the disrespect shown to both of you I would think you are fully justified in not letting her into your home under any circumstances.
Your home should be your safe space and therefore her right to see your baby does not trump her treatment of you and your husband. I'm surprised that given her behaviour she is allowed into your home at all.

Original poster
Botheredbabybrain · 11/04/2024 13:45

I just know DH - and his mother is EXTREMELY difficult. If we go NC he will never hear the end of it she will not go quietly and I think it’s easier for his peace of mind and to avoid unpleasant dramas we’ve had with her previously, if he just sees her periodically. We discussed it at length and thought it was the lesser of two evils.

I think I’m being very nice to let her see the children btw (they do like her but only in so far as she gives them as much sweets as they want and screen time etc and never tells them off, not because she’s actually around for them. She’s not) but I don’t think it extends to seeing them if I am
also there. And it’s an awkward thing with the new baby as obviously we come as a bit of a package deal for a few months 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
Botheredbabybrain · 11/04/2024 13:49

Actually - everyone’s responses have made me realise more specifically what im
afraid of:

Dh is very conflict adverse (probably due to having her as a mother!). Eg when she was shouting abuse at me he just sort of froze and stood there. Afterwards he was mortified by it but he just couldn’t interject. So I am really worried that if she did just show up, regardless of what he says, he would actually show her away.

we are both very nervous about dealing with the epic tantrum when she discovers she isn’t invited to DC birthday next month, or when she asks to see the baby and is told no. Neither of us really want the fall out from it but I really don’t want to be near her and I feel it’s the right thing to do to not give in to tantrums etc.

OP posts:
beetr00 · 11/04/2024 13:50

@Botheredbabybrain Your husband needs to explicitly tell his mum, now, that she is not to visit, after the birth, until you and he decide.

She is then on notice that turning up at your home unannounced is unacceptable.

Houseinawood · 11/04/2024 13:54

He needs to send a text saying due to all the abuse you have received that he is now going no contact with her and she is not allowed to contact himself, you and the children by any means, including social media and letters, and third parties and any time she does she will be reported to the police for harassment. Get your husband into counselling and get it done.

Original poster
Botheredbabybrain · 11/04/2024 13:55

beetr00 · 11/04/2024 13:50

@Botheredbabybrain Your husband needs to explicitly tell his mum, now, that she is not to visit, after the birth, until you and he decide.

She is then on notice that turning up at your home unannounced is unacceptable.

I think this is a good idea. Need to think of the least inflammatory wording.

basically - I want to avoid as much drama as possible. But mostly, if there has to be drama, I want it to be over with before the baby comes, so i am not dealing with this shit during a nice happy time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Botheredbabybrain · 11/04/2024 13:55

Houseinawood · 11/04/2024 13:54

He needs to send a text saying due to all the abuse you have received that he is now going no contact with her and she is not allowed to contact himself, you and the children by any means, including social media and letters, and third parties and any time she does she will be reported to the police for harassment. Get your husband into counselling and get it done.

Counselling is a great idea. He went a few years ago for a bit and it helped but I think he really ought to see someone again now.

OP posts:
Missinbeach · 11/04/2024 13:59

Agree with you OP. Say no to seeing the new baby. It’s a very emotionally sensitive time IMO for a new mother. All the natural and instinctive drives of protection for your baby come out.

My own example: I remember a close narcissist member of my family visiting when my baby was about 10’days old, holding it, and showing off (not the same as true joy and excitement). I felt this massive maternal sense of anger and panic that was only abated when my baby got back into my arms. Never had it with the other few visitors at that time or after.

Tell your DH no visits from his DM till at least 4 months in. Then I guess tea or whatever for half an hour somewhere outside your home.

However if she is such a headcase your DH should be understanding of your wish to keep your children at a distance. You need to support each other on this - one of the great benefits of being in a couple!

Let her rant and rave. The more she does it the bigger the distance you create between you.

PS. If she’s a narcissist and has done a number on your husband, I would try and keep her away completely if that feels right for you to do. It will save you tons of grief in the near and far future. Sooner or later she will turn on her grandchildren. My narcissist, mother turned on my son when he was 18. It was very sad. Just like she did with me!

VWT5 · 11/04/2024 14:03

If she doesn’t know your due-date, can your DH tell her it’s 2 weeks later?

Then ask DH to call her soon and say “we will invite you over (for afternoon tea 😂) when we are settled and the time is right for us, but only on the strict understanding that you do not turn up (uninvited) beforehand when we aren't expecting you”

As someone else says, given her previous behaviour, I would be reluctant to even have her in your “safe space”…