Page 3 | NC MIL advice please

Botheredbabybrain · 2024-04-11T12:14:32+00:00

I’m NC with my mother in law. After putting up with a lot and forgiving a hell of a lot (vicious emails about me including photos, not attending wedding, saying some truly awful things about me), her screaming abuse in my face was the final straw. It’s been a few months and now DH just takes the children to see her or I go out when she’s round. It’s the easiest solution and DH and I are happy with it. BUT I am due to give birth imminently. MIL is pretty batshit and I am fairly sure she will just rock up at ours to see the baby. I have 0 intention of having her near the baby until baby is old enough to be without me (which won’t be for a while as she will be EBF), and I have no intention of letting her in my space when I am vulnerable/saggy/leaky! is it ok to ask DH to turn her away if she drives 1 hour to get here and wants to see the baby?

Mossstitch · 12/04/2024 00:12

Botheredbabybrain · 11/04/2024 17:46

What would you do if she just shows up?

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You turn her away, otherwise you are reinforcing her bad behaviour by rewarding it. Then she will ll try to get away with more!

Oneofthesurvivors · 12/04/2024 01:21

Just tell her to fuck off, she doesn't care about you, you owe her nothing.

lambwool · 12/04/2024 01:35

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 11/04/2024 13:21

This is your husband’s baby too.

Shouldn't the husband be on OPs side if MIL has screamed abuse in her face.
Postpartum is so so so tender and to know your new born child is out with a crazy woman is the worst feeling. It's a horrible feeling even if they're away from you with a normal person.

FictionalCharacter · 12/04/2024 02:32

”If we go NC he will never hear the end of it she will not go quietly and I think it’s easier for his peace of mind and to avoid unpleasant dramas we’ve had with her previously, if he just sees her periodically.”

But the whole point of going NC is that it IS the end of it, and he doesn’t have to hear anything from her whatsoever. Because it’s no contact. He doesn’t open the door to her, answer her calls, or texts, emails or letters. He blocks her number. It’s finished and she can never hurt him again. It may well be the best way forward for him and finally give him a sense of freedom. If that’s what he decides to do, you should support him 100% even if you think it’s too drastic.

Seeing her periodically gives her the opportunity to reopen the wounds she previously caused to him, and create more unpleasant dramas if she feels like it.

Original poster

Botheredbabybrain · 12/04/2024 07:34

FictionalCharacter · 12/04/2024 02:32

”If we go NC he will never hear the end of it she will not go quietly and I think it’s easier for his peace of mind and to avoid unpleasant dramas we’ve had with her previously, if he just sees her periodically.”

But the whole point of going NC is that it IS the end of it, and he doesn’t have to hear anything from her whatsoever. Because it’s no contact. He doesn’t open the door to her, answer her calls, or texts, emails or letters. He blocks her number. It’s finished and she can never hurt him again. It may well be the best way forward for him and finally give him a sense of freedom. If that’s what he decides to do, you should support him 100% even if you think it’s too drastic.

Seeing her periodically gives her the opportunity to reopen the wounds she previously caused to him, and create more unpleasant dramas if she feels like it.

I am just thinking of when we went NC after the wedding - she showed up at his office with gifts, used the office phone to call him, used work email etc. but then I suppose that was years ago now, we are both parents now and have grown up - after this last behaviour it would probably be easier than before.

OP posts:

pickledandpuzzled · 12/04/2024 07:44

A hospital visit, though far too early, may well be less drama.

I find it helps to understand the MiL’s point of view- not because it’s reasonable, but because it’s reasonable to her! That helps tolerate and challenge appropriately. In my experience it’s generally not the intention to be nasty and make you suffer- that’s a by product of her distress that you aren’t playing ball. From her PoV you asked for it by being so unreasonable!

So she’s likely to be thinking- people get excited about new babies. This is a new baby. Everyone will be thinking about the new baby. I mustn’t be left out. I mustn’t let anyone think this isn’t important for me. I need to be seen to be there and get some of those oh so important early photos. Anyone that gets in the way of this process is being very unreasonable! They are rejecting me publicly and making the world think I’m not a good grandma. It’s imperative no one stops me being a good grandma. I won’t let anyone stop- anyone tries and they’ll see what they get with their nasty scheming to keep my new grandchild away from me… etc etc.

The aim with LC is to short circuit the above, with the smallest possible fig leaf of effort to allow her to move on graciously with a small ‘of course my poor son is entirely in her sway, still I mustn’t rock the boat. I know I come last in the pecking order now <martyred sigh>’.

Your Mil may have slightly different patterns of thought but that’s the way my mum functions. If you can give her the words to use to excuse her lack of involvement, that’s quite handy. I let a few phrases drop and see what gets picked up- 4th trimester, birth injuries, important to establish feeding, still very unsettled, can’t look after a visitor properly etc.

pickledandpuzzled · 12/04/2024 07:45

Face saving is really important.

Socksey · 12/04/2024 07:59

Botheredbabybrain · 11/04/2024 13:33

I’m interested to hear that people So far think her right to see the baby trumps my right to feel comfortable

She doesn't have any right to see the baby.... at least not legally, assuming you are in the UK
So other than that your DH can give her a time/date that suits you and apart from that you don't even need to let her in..

Original poster

Botheredbabybrain · 12/04/2024 08:00

pickledandpuzzled · 12/04/2024 07:44

A hospital visit, though far too early, may well be less drama.

I find it helps to understand the MiL’s point of view- not because it’s reasonable, but because it’s reasonable to her! That helps tolerate and challenge appropriately. In my experience it’s generally not the intention to be nasty and make you suffer- that’s a by product of her distress that you aren’t playing ball. From her PoV you asked for it by being so unreasonable!

So she’s likely to be thinking- people get excited about new babies. This is a new baby. Everyone will be thinking about the new baby. I mustn’t be left out. I mustn’t let anyone think this isn’t important for me. I need to be seen to be there and get some of those oh so important early photos. Anyone that gets in the way of this process is being very unreasonable! They are rejecting me publicly and making the world think I’m not a good grandma. It’s imperative no one stops me being a good grandma. I won’t let anyone stop- anyone tries and they’ll see what they get with their nasty scheming to keep my new grandchild away from me… etc etc.

The aim with LC is to short circuit the above, with the smallest possible fig leaf of effort to allow her to move on graciously with a small ‘of course my poor son is entirely in her sway, still I mustn’t rock the boat. I know I come last in the pecking order now <martyred sigh>’.

Your Mil may have slightly different patterns of thought but that’s the way my mum functions. If you can give her the words to use to excuse her lack of involvement, that’s quite handy. I let a few phrases drop and see what gets picked up- 4th trimester, birth injuries, important to establish feeding, still very unsettled, can’t look after a visitor properly etc.

Your 3rd paragraph has really resonated with me because it’s 100% as you say. This is all my fault in her eyes and she very much cares how she looks and what people think. You have a lot of insight after dealing with your own mother, clearly.

I do Homebirth though. Last time
she was allowed to be there for the duration of the birth, in the next room and immediately meet the baby. Then we didn’t see her for dust as she had a new boyfriend and didn’t care! Which stung a bit, as I felt we had given her something special and she hadn’t reciprocated.

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HappyEDT · 12/04/2024 08:05

Eugh my sympathies. Insist on behaviour that is outwardly respectful. So many members of my family could not show me respect, have ended up isolated
It's so hard with these types of people, it's not like they self-reflect and stop trying to coerce/manipulative/dominate you. If you try yo put up boundaries, you've hurt them !!!

pickledandpuzzled · 12/04/2024 09:21

Botheredbabybrain · 12/04/2024 08:00

Your 3rd paragraph has really resonated with me because it’s 100% as you say. This is all my fault in her eyes and she very much cares how she looks and what people think. You have a lot of insight after dealing with your own mother, clearly.

I do Homebirth though. Last time
she was allowed to be there for the duration of the birth, in the next room and immediately meet the baby. Then we didn’t see her for dust as she had a new boyfriend and didn’t care! Which stung a bit, as I felt we had given her something special and she hadn’t reciprocated.

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Oh wow! I totally get that. I home birthed my first. Second wouldn’t oblige 🤣

It gives you some added leverage- maybe, birth injuries and needing longer to recover, terrible mess still not sorted, birthing pool burst 🤣
I don’t feel truth is particularly important in this situation- it’s not in any way an honest relationship after all!

Missinbeach · 12/04/2024 13:26

Botheredbabybrain · 12/04/2024 07:34

I am just thinking of when we went NC after the wedding - she showed up at his office with gifts, used the office phone to call him, used work email etc. but then I suppose that was years ago now, we are both parents now and have grown up - after this last behaviour it would probably be easier than before.

Show quote history

A classic “hoover”. Another “eew” here at her behaviour.

I came across something the other day :

”It’s never too late to have a happy childhood, with a whole new parent – me. Once we’re 18, when we’re adults, we take over the parenting for ourselves”.

I was reflecting afterwards, in a way this is one of the things that happens with good therapy. Over a period of time, and unconsciously. It is a natural part of the process.

(Perhaps an exception might be when a woman has a child themselves - it’s almost an instinct to look their own mother for support. This can prove to be very difficult if there isn’t a good relationship, which was my personal experience. I think of a lesser example in the public domain of Doria Raglan suddenly becoming a significant figure in Meghan Markle‘s life being another example, even though a peripheral figure previously.)

However it’s also an instinct for a woman to focus on her child and the new family unit and if the grandmother is not a net positive, and creating a nightmare, plenty of women go LC or NC too at this juncture also. You don’t mention your own mother, OP. Perhaps you were hoping your MIL would support in this way.)

Missinbeach · 12/04/2024 14:52

(ps. Maybe M Markle wasn’t the best example as she may possibly have had other motives for promoting her mother.)

OriginalUsername2 · 12/04/2024 15:12

Grandparents don’t have rights. A grandchild is a gift imo.

I would take the stance that the woman has some sort of behaviour issues (she literally screamed in your face, did something nasty with photos, fucked up your DPs wedding day for him, etc.) and therefore will not be around the baby.

Tough luck to her. Should have behaved better.

Original poster

Botheredbabybrain · 03/05/2024 13:15

MIL sending batshit messages on a group chat with DH and me with stuff she’s buying for the baby. Can I just leave the chat? Im
not fucking interested. I don’t want to partake in this charade/I want it to be clear I am not going to just accept this crap.

not sure if I mentioned this previously as it’s pretty outing but my MIL sent emails to family round before our wedding of photos of my mother and me which supposed illustrated why DH was making such a huge mistake. The photos, she said, were “just the tip of the iceberg”.

I spent a long time last year trying to convince her to reconcile with her dying father who she hadn’t seen in 13 years (they fell out over money). DH went to see his grandfather last week and it turns out she had neglected to mention my role in any of the reconciliation. She has clearly always just hated me.

OP posts:

pickledandpuzzled · 03/05/2024 13:25

You can leave the chat. Or mute it and ignore it.

“BabyBrain is getting tired now so not keeping up with messages”.

Original poster

Botheredbabybrain · 03/05/2024 13:32

pickledandpuzzled · 03/05/2024 13:25

You can leave the chat. Or mute it and ignore it.

“BabyBrain is getting tired now so not keeping up with messages”.

I’ve been ignoring for months but I don’t think the message is sinking in

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pickledandpuzzled · 03/05/2024 14:11

Is the issue that it’s bothering you to see it, or that she might actually visit?

You can delete it from your phone so you don’t need to think about it.

If she’s talking about stuff, so you think she’ll turn up, she may be talking to look good rather actually intending to do anything.

Or you could ask DP to message into the group ‘no visitors until July, remember’?

Original poster

Botheredbabybrain · 03/05/2024 14:20

pickledandpuzzled · 03/05/2024 14:11

Is the issue that it’s bothering you to see it, or that she might actually visit?

You can delete it from your phone so you don’t need to think about it.

If she’s talking about stuff, so you think she’ll turn up, she may be talking to look good rather actually intending to do anything.

Or you could ask DP to message into the group ‘no visitors until July, remember’?

I think it’s disingenuous to be a part of the messages where she’s just sending a lot of crap to DH and me, and I’m just ignoring it but not disagreeing with it. If she wants to send the crap surely just to DP. I don’t like to pretend everything is fine like she is, and I think it will lead her to think everything is going to be fine.

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AgreeableDragon · 03/05/2024 14:26

Botheredbabybrain · 11/04/2024 13:33

I’m interested to hear that people So far think her right to see the baby trumps my right to feel comfortable

I don’t think that OP.

You have every right to turn anyone away from your house. No one has a right to see your baby except you and DH.
And right after the birth you need peace and calm.

It sounds as if your DH is on the same page as you (fwiw I don’t think you should have encouraged him to stay in contact with her, that’s a solo decision for him). Can you have a chat and make a plan so he preempts any visits and tells her he will be in touch when he is ready but for now he will send her a photo.

pickledandpuzzled · 03/05/2024 14:27

Just the three of you? I’d leave the chat then, as you won’t miss anything.
I was assuming it was a bigger group where you would miss out if you were not there.

Or are you fancying having a fight with her?

How far along are you now?

Original poster

Botheredbabybrain · 03/05/2024 14:36

pickledandpuzzled · 03/05/2024 14:27

Just the three of you? I’d leave the chat then, as you won’t miss anything.
I was assuming it was a bigger group where you would miss out if you were not there.

Or are you fancying having a fight with her?

How far along are you now?

It’s just the three of us I just want it to be clear she needs to deal with her son - I don’t want any part of it.

im 4 weeks from due date.

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Gerwurtztraminer · 03/05/2024 14:51

Honestly you are overcomplicating this.

Leave the chat group
Block her from phone. If you have a landline set up caller ID and don't answer
Send her emails to Trash folder so you never see them and they are deleted
Put a chain on front door/get a Ring doorbell and don't answer if she turns up
Donate away any baby gifts she sends

He was broken and humiliated and will never be alright with her, really. Tbh he would have been fine going NC but I thought it was better for him to have some sort of relationship with her, because she’s his mother.
You really interfered and overstepped the mark here. Your job was to support him in what he wanted to do. Just being related is not a reason to have a relationship with a toxic damaging person, no matter if it is his mother. Encourage him to make the break now and support him however he needs.

As for her having an 'epic tantrum' well how would you know if you are NC and have cut off ways for her to contact you? Husband can take steps so she can't repeat the harassing him at work. Eventually there will be peace.

Original poster

Botheredbabybrain · 03/05/2024 16:04

Gerwurtztraminer · 03/05/2024 14:51

Honestly you are overcomplicating this.

Leave the chat group
Block her from phone. If you have a landline set up caller ID and don't answer
Send her emails to Trash folder so you never see them and they are deleted
Put a chain on front door/get a Ring doorbell and don't answer if she turns up
Donate away any baby gifts she sends

He was broken and humiliated and will never be alright with her, really. Tbh he would have been fine going NC but I thought it was better for him to have some sort of relationship with her, because she’s his mother.
You really interfered and overstepped the mark here. Your job was to support him in what he wanted to do. Just being related is not a reason to have a relationship with a toxic damaging person, no matter if it is his mother. Encourage him to make the break now and support him however he needs.

As for her having an 'epic tantrum' well how would you know if you are NC and have cut off ways for her to contact you? Husband can take steps so she can't repeat the harassing him at work. Eventually there will be peace.

He didn’t know what he wanted. He would have been fine going NC but I think he preferred not to. I think he needs some therapy to work out what he actually wants as I don’t want to be responsible for making these big decisions for him
as he doesn’t know what to do.

I’ve left the group I just cba with all of this shit it’s between them.

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