Page 2 | NC MIL advice please

Botheredbabybrain · 2024-04-11T12:14:32+00:00

I’m NC with my mother in law. After putting up with a lot and forgiving a hell of a lot (vicious emails about me including photos, not attending wedding, saying some truly awful things about me), her screaming abuse in my face was the final straw. It’s been a few months and now DH just takes the children to see her or I go out when she’s round. It’s the easiest solution and DH and I are happy with it. BUT I am due to give birth imminently. MIL is pretty batshit and I am fairly sure she will just rock up at ours to see the baby. I have 0 intention of having her near the baby until baby is old enough to be without me (which won’t be for a while as she will be EBF), and I have no intention of letting her in my space when I am vulnerable/saggy/leaky! is it ok to ask DH to turn her away if she drives 1 hour to get here and wants to see the baby?

Missinbeach · 11/04/2024 14:13

Low contact may be better than no contact for you, I don’t know OP.

But if LC I would have very clear boundaries.

here are some examples:

you don’t have to see her ever again after that kind of abuse, and if you do she will wriggle her way in and become abusive again
never have her in your home
re your children, keep contact as minimal as you can. You could say for example only in the holidays. She will huff and puff but If she doesn’t like it that’s too bad. If she is a narcissist, vampire like, she will want the fuel from the innocent attention from young children (they love that). The children may be fond of her but she will eventually start to pull shenanigans eg favouritism if siblings and so forth. She may even criticise you to them for example.

If you have very clear boundaries it can help if you stay LC. But they have to be set in absolute rock. NC is not actually always possible for people because of circumstances, but it is much more emotionally freer - and the scabs don’t keep getting picked over.

Original poster

Botheredbabybrain · 11/04/2024 14:20

Missinbeach · 11/04/2024 14:13

Low contact may be better than no contact for you, I don’t know OP.

But if LC I would have very clear boundaries.

here are some examples:

you don’t have to see her ever again after that kind of abuse, and if you do she will wriggle her way in and become abusive again
never have her in your home
re your children, keep contact as minimal as you can. You could say for example only in the holidays. She will huff and puff but If she doesn’t like it that’s too bad. If she is a narcissist, vampire like, she will want the fuel from the innocent attention from young children (they love that). The children may be fond of her but she will eventually start to pull shenanigans eg favouritism if siblings and so forth. She may even criticise you to them for example.

If you have very clear boundaries it can help if you stay LC. But they have to be set in absolute rock. NC is not actually always possible for people because of circumstances, but it is much more emotionally freer - and the scabs don’t keep getting picked over.

Thank you for this. What’s the best way of DH putting the boundaries in place with her? So far they have seen each other 4 times and basically just not mentioned anything. He is worried she will just shout at him if he brings anything up. She had sent me a birthday gift and he had politely asked her not to send any more gifts - with the children it’s fine but he/I don’t want any.

the irony is that the person who was getting all her Christmas/birthday/Mother’s Day stuff was always me. DH hasn’t bothered because he never bothers and even that I’m sure will be “my fault” as if I’m stopping him. Im
not - I’m just not going to be his PA for her anymore!

I really appreciate everyone’s advice, thank you. I’m usually a bit of a people pleaser and put up with a lot of shit and forgive a lot as I feel unkind otherwise, but after this length of time I’ve just finally had enough.

OP posts:

Stuckinthemiddle7890 · 11/04/2024 14:25

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 11/04/2024 13:21

This is your husband’s baby too.

Very good point you make and it's also his mum so he should do a better job of getting respect set in stone for his partner!

Missinbeach · 11/04/2024 14:43

If your DH is worried that he will shout at him, she’s clearly an abusive bully. Appalling.

BTW, extremely well done for putting YOUR boundaries in 👏 👏 👏. Keep it up 😊

Looks like your husband really needs to work on his boundaries with her, his sense of anger and refusal to be intimidated by her. Or else to decide whether the relationship is worth it at all. It is probably deteriorating over time anyway. If someone bullies and shouts at you that is a very reason not to see them, no other reason necessary.

The issue with the children will evolve somewhat from that. For example, I stopped my narcissist mother seeing my son at various periods because of her awful rages/behaviour, and she still holds that against me! However I was a single parent. If your MIL is like that they are never satisfied and it is always someone else’s fault. If she is abusive to your son this is a perfect excuse not to see her.

However, I’m not underestimating the issue. It is a bit of a minefield, difficult. You could try and treat her transactionally; if she is a narcissist, she will respond to that (although she prefers obviously to have everything her way). So you reward good behaviour and punish bad behaviour. So for example, if she shouts at your husband, then he doesn’t see her or let the children see her for a time and tell her her behaviour is unacceptable in clear terms.

Your husband is lucky that he has you to support him, but I have read of stories of toxic in-laws really destroying a relationship, and your husband needs to be aware of that too and protect your marriage. Therapy might be helpful.

PS. I did keep in contact with my narcissist mother, for a couple of specific reasons I’m not going to go into. But really, it would’ve been much easier to be no contact. She is now elderly and still problematic to deal with. And, as I said, she finally turned on my 18 year old son 😞 now too (even though before though that they got on okay).

hope that helps in some way.

Missinbeach · 11/04/2024 15:05

Re-read your original post. You say you and DH are reasonably happy with current arrangements. So, in the short term, I’d just focus on “no visits” to baby until YOURE ready and DH will let her know when, end of. Could be 2, 4, 6 months, whatever suits YOU. This is an enforcement and assertion of your independence and control over your own life and that of your children.

(This may of course cause a few ructions - but your DH will just have to be clear and deal with that, perhaps with help from counselling).

Original poster

Botheredbabybrain · 11/04/2024 17:46

Missinbeach · 11/04/2024 14:43

If your DH is worried that he will shout at him, she’s clearly an abusive bully. Appalling.

BTW, extremely well done for putting YOUR boundaries in 👏 👏 👏. Keep it up 😊

Looks like your husband really needs to work on his boundaries with her, his sense of anger and refusal to be intimidated by her. Or else to decide whether the relationship is worth it at all. It is probably deteriorating over time anyway. If someone bullies and shouts at you that is a very reason not to see them, no other reason necessary.

The issue with the children will evolve somewhat from that. For example, I stopped my narcissist mother seeing my son at various periods because of her awful rages/behaviour, and she still holds that against me! However I was a single parent. If your MIL is like that they are never satisfied and it is always someone else’s fault. If she is abusive to your son this is a perfect excuse not to see her.

However, I’m not underestimating the issue. It is a bit of a minefield, difficult. You could try and treat her transactionally; if she is a narcissist, she will respond to that (although she prefers obviously to have everything her way). So you reward good behaviour and punish bad behaviour. So for example, if she shouts at your husband, then he doesn’t see her or let the children see her for a time and tell her her behaviour is unacceptable in clear terms.

Your husband is lucky that he has you to support him, but I have read of stories of toxic in-laws really destroying a relationship, and your husband needs to be aware of that too and protect your marriage. Therapy might be helpful.

PS. I did keep in contact with my narcissist mother, for a couple of specific reasons I’m not going to go into. But really, it would’ve been much easier to be no contact. She is now elderly and still problematic to deal with. And, as I said, she finally turned on my 18 year old son 😞 now too (even though before though that they got on okay).

hope that helps in some way.

Edited

Thank you for taking the time to write this - I’m so sorry to hear about your mother. Well done for sticking up for your son too; not easy to do as a single mother. And I see why you’re still in touch, LC sometimes is just better than NC.

I’ve told DC he needs to see a therapist when he’s got some time during paternity leave.

OP posts:

Original poster

Botheredbabybrain · 11/04/2024 17:46

Missinbeach · 11/04/2024 15:05

Re-read your original post. You say you and DH are reasonably happy with current arrangements. So, in the short term, I’d just focus on “no visits” to baby until YOURE ready and DH will let her know when, end of. Could be 2, 4, 6 months, whatever suits YOU. This is an enforcement and assertion of your independence and control over your own life and that of your children.

(This may of course cause a few ructions - but your DH will just have to be clear and deal with that, perhaps with help from counselling).

What would you do if she just shows up?

OP posts:

TammyJones · 11/04/2024 20:04

Houseinawood · 11/04/2024 13:54

He needs to send a text saying due to all the abuse you have received that he is now going no contact with her and she is not allowed to contact himself, you and the children by any means, including social media and letters, and third parties and any time she does she will be reported to the police for harassment. Get your husband into counselling and get it done.

THIS
THIS
THIS
gently op...you have one life.
You deserve peace.
People go no contact all the time.
She doesn't own your dh.
She cannot control him.
And after the way she treated you , she can do one.
Find your inner strength and cut her out your life.
You're stronger than you think.
There are bigger problems than an adult throwing a tantrum - you can do this.

Missinbeach · 11/04/2024 20:46

I think the best way to prevent this happening is for your husband to tell her in advance that you will both let her know when it’s a good time to see the baby is.

If she turns up unannounced or gets angry and makes demands to see your baby, then you will have to deal with that. Probably even enforce bigger boundaries (consequences!)

If she then turns up, it is an act of hostility and bullying to be honest. She is trampling over physical and family boundaries saying, I don’t care what you think this is what I want. It’s a kind of powerplay, for control. if she is a narcissist, she will have a sense of entitlement and want to try and exert her control over the family in some way.

If she did turn up in those circumstances, you and your husband should just turn her away and say it’s not convenient. Or if you want a softer approach, say you’re resting. And at the same time remind her that your husband told her to wait until you were ready.

I think your husband will have to find some kind of way to step up for this so that tibia a happy relaxed time when your baby is born. This stress should not be on you when you’re pregnant or have a new baby. If your DH can get help and support to do this with therapy, and you can afford it, that sounds great.

Of course, I’m only surmising this from my experience. I don’t know how unreasonable or wacko this woman is. But if your DH had therapy already I suspect she’s pretty difficult. But you are the person who knows all the circumstances and all the people, and are in the best place to make the decisions.

The other thing is, of course, she may start a smear campaign against you that you are denying access to her grandchildren, so be ready for that too. Your situation is difficult because in a way it involves at least four different relationships, so I think it is helpful if you work out something very clear in all the moving parts so to speak. It’s bad enough when it’s just one or two. But, at least you and your husband have the support of each other. Maybe if he can get extra help and support in the form of therapy that might be very helpful as well.

Missinbeach · 11/04/2024 20:49

Or I suppose you look at it a different way, it’s your family (you, DH and children) and her, and that makes it simpler and clearer and easier.

Original poster

Botheredbabybrain · 11/04/2024 21:12

Missinbeach · 11/04/2024 20:46

I think the best way to prevent this happening is for your husband to tell her in advance that you will both let her know when it’s a good time to see the baby is.

If she turns up unannounced or gets angry and makes demands to see your baby, then you will have to deal with that. Probably even enforce bigger boundaries (consequences!)

If she then turns up, it is an act of hostility and bullying to be honest. She is trampling over physical and family boundaries saying, I don’t care what you think this is what I want. It’s a kind of powerplay, for control. if she is a narcissist, she will have a sense of entitlement and want to try and exert her control over the family in some way.

If she did turn up in those circumstances, you and your husband should just turn her away and say it’s not convenient. Or if you want a softer approach, say you’re resting. And at the same time remind her that your husband told her to wait until you were ready.

I think your husband will have to find some kind of way to step up for this so that tibia a happy relaxed time when your baby is born. This stress should not be on you when you’re pregnant or have a new baby. If your DH can get help and support to do this with therapy, and you can afford it, that sounds great.

Of course, I’m only surmising this from my experience. I don’t know how unreasonable or wacko this woman is. But if your DH had therapy already I suspect she’s pretty difficult. But you are the person who knows all the circumstances and all the people, and are in the best place to make the decisions.

The other thing is, of course, she may start a smear campaign against you that you are denying access to her grandchildren, so be ready for that too. Your situation is difficult because in a way it involves at least four different relationships, so I think it is helpful if you work out something very clear in all the moving parts so to speak. It’s bad enough when it’s just one or two. But, at least you and your husband have the support of each other. Maybe if he can get extra help and support in the form of therapy that might be very helpful as well.

“If she then turns up, it is an act of hostility and bullying to be honest. She is trampling over physical and family boundaries saying, I don’t care what you think this is what I want. It’s a kind of powerplay, for control. if she is a narcissist, she will have a sense of entitlement and want to try and exert her control over the family in some way.”

this is so scarily accurate!

OP posts:

Brefugee · 11/04/2024 21:15

Tbh he would have been fine going NC but I thought it was better for him to have some sort of relationship with her, because she’s his mother.

ask him what he wants to do. Is he ok telling her "no visits until we say so" and then sticking to it? I don't see the issue with you going up for a nap - but you would be leaving him alone with her.
tbh if he wanted to go NC you should have supported him in that. So now you have to help him handle her, if not for you he wouldn't have to worry about her turning up.

Good luck with the baby.

SwordToFlamethrower · 11/04/2024 21:22

Mother and child come first.

There are no grandparents' rights in the UK.

MIL can f off

BirthdayRainbow · 11/04/2024 21:24

If he doesn't want a relationship with her then you have no right to force him even if your intentions appear good.

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 11/04/2024 21:27

Rip off that plaster op and go nc. She has no rights to your dc. Why are you allowing such a woman time with your precious dc? And letting her damage your mh so much?
We are nc with ils. Mil emailed all and sundry how awful we were.. Me mostly. All untrue but she had massive form for lies... Nobody believed her.. And so what? My dc are safe from wjr toxicity.. Try it op. You owe it to your dc...

Original poster

Botheredbabybrain · 11/04/2024 21:27

Brefugee · 11/04/2024 21:15

Tbh he would have been fine going NC but I thought it was better for him to have some sort of relationship with her, because she’s his mother.

ask him what he wants to do. Is he ok telling her "no visits until we say so" and then sticking to it? I don't see the issue with you going up for a nap - but you would be leaving him alone with her.
tbh if he wanted to go NC you should have supported him in that. So now you have to help him handle her, if not for you he wouldn't have to worry about her turning up.

Good luck with the baby.

I just don’t want to be hiding upstairs in my house with her there, it feels uncomfortable for me and a bit silly, to effectively ignore her when she’s actually there.

OP posts:

Original poster

Botheredbabybrain · 11/04/2024 21:29

BirthdayRainbow · 11/04/2024 21:24

If he doesn't want a relationship with her then you have no right to force him even if your intentions appear good.

I am not forcing him - we just discussed it and it seemed like the easiest solution for him/most drama free with least emotional issues for him. I think seeing a therapist will help massively help him
make his own decisions about this stuff. I just think he isn’t sure what to do and I feel very sorry for him.

OP posts:

BirthdayRainbow · 11/04/2024 21:31

It would be easier for him and bring zero drama if he cut her out tbh.

Missinbeach · 11/04/2024 21:32

Oh sorry OP, I missed your earlier post where you said your DH wanted to go NC after she didn’t turn up at your wedding.

A missed opportunity, honestly! But I wouldn’t worry too much …. there will be more. Maybe this is the next one.

NC is usually much easier than LC if you can do it, and it is nearly always preferable with a toxic or narcissist MIL.

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 11/04/2024 21:43

Genuinely op do you feel offering up your dc to appease mil makes your /dh's life easier? Can you see how wrong that is if so..?

EricHebbornInItaly · 11/04/2024 21:51

I’m in the same boat. NC with my bullying, manipulative and nasty mil. Also a people please with a DH that was too scared of his mother to stand up to her.

I would stay no contact. However I’d keep your children away from her, why would you let them be around someone who is abusive and that your partner has shown himself to be spineless in the face of? Lord knows what she says about you while you aren’t there.

Don’t let her create stress and make the postpartum period hell, mine did for a year till I finally my partner stood up to her. I wish I’d told her to fuck off so many years earlier and I can never get them back.

Original poster

Botheredbabybrain · 11/04/2024 21:53

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 11/04/2024 21:43

Genuinely op do you feel offering up your dc to appease mil makes your /dh's life easier? Can you see how wrong that is if so..?

Im
not “offering up” my DC. It has nothing to do with my life either - if I can articulate it better it’s more that I think DH is extremely confused about what he should do/what he wants to do and I don’t want to be the one to guide him to any extreme situation. He would go NC and say it’s fine but I don’t know if it would be fine and I feel he really has to be sure before doing something drastic.

he didn’t speak to her after the wedding and I was the one who, when we had our first DC thought “she’s his mother let’s reach out”.

Dc like her but they are seldom alone with her and seeing her is just a fun activity for them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Botheredbabybrain · 11/04/2024 21:54

EricHebbornInItaly · 11/04/2024 21:51

I’m in the same boat. NC with my bullying, manipulative and nasty mil. Also a people please with a DH that was too scared of his mother to stand up to her.

I would stay no contact. However I’d keep your children away from her, why would you let them be around someone who is abusive and that your partner has shown himself to be spineless in the face of? Lord knows what she says about you while you aren’t there.

Don’t let her create stress and make the postpartum period hell, mine did for a year till I finally my partner stood up to her. I wish I’d told her to fuck off so many years earlier and I can never get them back.

Ohhh thank you for this - and very sorry re your MIL. Yes I am pretty sure what she must say behind my back, given what she’s said to my face (and what I’ve seen in emails).

well done for going NC. Has she tried to get in touch with your husband? Has he felt better for it

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Dareisayiseethesunshine · 11/04/2024 21:57

My mil turned up at the hospital the next day then never bothered..... No loss. She kicked off for a few days then never heard a peep. For over 9 years now. Def recommend it..

Original poster

Botheredbabybrain · 11/04/2024 23:16

Will talk to DH tomorrow and show him
thread/see his thoughts

OP posts: