Found escorts on my soon to be husband phone

[brokenheartedpaula]

Hi, I’m new to this platform, but I really need to talk to someone, because I’m feeling totally heartbroken. So, I’m 5 months pregnant and together with my fiance for 4 years. We are getting married after 13 days!! I just found out he is looking up escort pages on his phone and has saved phone numbers and Telegram nicknames of some escort women. I didn’t find any text messages, just contacts. I googled some of the girls and saw that they are offering virtual sex like videos, photos and also sex services. He told me since we have less sex and is feeling stressed at work, he is starting to watch porn and wanted to look up escorts out of curiosity. Swore that he hasn’t texted any of them and hasn’t used their services, but I don’t believe him. Why would you save escort phone numbers just to view a profile picture? I don’t know what to do. I have always felt that we are like soulmates and gotten along. Now my dream about happy family has collapsed. I can’t break up with him, because I have no place to go and I won’t be able to take care of the baby without his financial help. We are even currently building a house which will be ready on August. Also the wedding has already been arranged and what will I tell mine and his family if we breakup?

If you marry this man, you are signing up for a very miserable life. Get on a plane and fly back home. Ask your family for help while you decide what to do

'Having less sex' and
'feeling stressed at work'
Are two very very normal parts of life that we ALL experience.

That he cannot handle apparently.

They don't 'make' a person look up escorts.
He's looking up escorts....then trying to find a way to defend why he's doing that.
How dare he bring you into that!

What other totally normal life challenges is he going to be absolutely useless and crumble in the face of??

I use app called Flo where I track my period, ovulation, sex life and now pregnancy. I can see how many times we had sex because I always track it. This month it’s been two times, on March 4 times (once a week). It’s not like we have sex only once a month.

It’s very important to get an STI test asap. Men minimise when they get caught and always claim it was less than it was. If there’s the slightest risk he was sleeping around you need to get checked. Especially as you’re pregnant.

Just to be clear, this isn’t your fault. There are many times over the course of a marriage when sex isn’t possible or your libido may dip. It isn’t a good reason to betray a partner’s trust or exploit vulnerable women.

Don’t hide the truth from your friends or family. Hold your head up high like a woman with high standards and strong boundaries. He is not worthy of you.

Given the number of threads on MN where men somehow manage to cheat while engaged to be married or their partner is pregnant, this just isn't true. He would go ahead an marry you despite his behaviour which despite being his own decision, he is blaming you for!

It's rarely temporary either. There are so many threads on here where they were forgiven the first time and then went on to do it again. It's more like an addiction than a one-off.

OP, please call it off and tell everyone why. Contact any close friends or family for support and move as far away from him as you can. It can often be difficult to move once the baby is there, but while you are a single person it is easy to do so. Am I right in thinking that you are not in the UK?

PLEASE DO NOT marry him. Be thankful that you have found out now. Yes, it'll be difficult for a while, but better to leave him and start again, than get married, divorce when you find out he's still doing it and be in a worse position

My friend got married to a man who had been having an affair since before they were engaged. She had even thought he was a bit “off” and asked if he was sure he wanted to go ahead. He insisted all was fine. About 6 months later she caught them in the act.

The OW wasn’t even married or anything. My mate divorced him quick smart, he and the OW are still together 20 odd years later. Utterly pointless waste of my friend’s time.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

I have often seen posts about this on mumsnet, and I’ve heard similar stories from friends and family. The brutal truth is this - if he has done it once, he will do it again. Yes he will cry and beg and make promises, but it’s just a matter of time. The same is true of all sorts of disgusting behaviour. A man who grooms an underage girl online, who views child pornography, who hits a woman, who cheats on his wife, etc, will do it again, sooner or later.

If it is any consolation, I have a nasty feeling many, many men secretly visit escorts. It’s just so easy these days, and men’s brains are in their…well, you know what. I bet some of the women reading this thread are married to a man who has visited escorts. For every one who is caught, how many get away with it? In fact, it would be interesting to conduct an experiment. If you lined up 100 random couples, and asked the men to look into their partner’s eyes and swear they had not visited an escort during the relationship, I hate to think of the results.

@Hartley99 ...actually, the brutal truth is that there is a very high possibility he will do it again. There are absolutely no guarantees in life. So, no guarantee that he will, no guarantee that he won't. That's the brutal truth.

if he was going to cheat he wouldn’t waste his time and get married.

And stupidest comment of the day goes to…🤣

Do you honestly think men don’t get married and cheat at the same time?

Its called having your cake and eating it and yes, many men do this.

Don’t marry him OP - you will be living a life of worry and distrust - look after your mental health. Staying with him will be very damaging for you and your child.

He will never admit to actually meeting up with anyone so I’d just assume he has. He’s certainly put a lot of effort into his “research”.

Stop blaming yourself.

It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve had sex this month - a decent man doesn’t go off looking for casual sex because he’d like to have it a bit more often. A decent man would talk to you about wanting it more and come to a compromise. A decent man would cherish and look after his pregnant partner, not lie and shag about behind her back and expose her to all manner of nasty std’s whilst she’s carrying his child.

You don’t need proof that he’s actually “done anything”. His intent to find casual sex and at the very least be wanking over random women is more than enough reason for you to call things off. It shows utter disrespect for you.

This is simply not true for a large portion of sex workers. Many are trafficked or coerced and many others are survival sex workers. The men visiting these women often won't have a clue if that particular sex worker is willingly doing the job or not.

Yes, a large amount of sex workers do so willingly because they choose to but that doesn't take away the fact that many are coerced. Also, regulations are pretty much none existent (at least in the UK, not sure about the country OP is from). Because of of the current law being very wishy washy about sex work in the UK - it leaves little 'regulation' and safety options for the sex workers. For example, it is illegal for them to work in pairs, it is illegal for them to work in the same premises as another sex worker - often leaving them isolated and vulnerable. Without the legalisation of brothels/co sex working, regulations are pretty much none existent and the entire profession is open to mass exploitation and trafficking is rife!

At the moment you have no proof. So he may be telling you the truth after all.
It is a tough one, to be honest. If you genuinely believe that you can't trust this person anymore, it is probably better you call off the wedding.
I think you need some time alone to think this through.

You can ask him to log into his phone operators site and see an itemised bill which should show which numbers he’s connected to (even if gone just shortly to voice mail) and how many text messages he’s sent to which number.

It would be wise not to marry him.

I don’t know what your situation is but could you go home to your home country where you have family and possibly more support? If you left before the baby was born there would be precisely fuck all he could do to stop you. Obviously this might not be an option for work or other reasons.

You won’t be entitled to anything beyond child support from him unless you are married. Sounds awful but if I were staying in this country I’d consider marrying him, live under the same roof but essentially split and then divorce after a year or two. The child’s needs will be the courts first consideration even if the marriage is short. Then after the divorce is through I’d calmly tell him that’s exactly what I had done and laugh in his face.

Also how many male escorts have you got saved in your phone “out of curiosity”? Thought so. You’d not do that unless you had every intention of using them. There would literally be no point.

Tell everybody the truth and do not marry this person. Get rid and have a safe happy life with your child

Cut your losses now. Good men don't contact sex workers just because their wife is pregnant. I don't care what anybody thinks, this is not okay. He isn't going to change, he is clearly lying. Cancel the wedding, tell both families why. You need to get yourself checked for STD's. Can you go back to your family? If you marry this man you give him the green light to do whatever he wants. It will be miserable and he is unlikely to have any more respect for the father / child relationship than he does for the husband / wife one. All the best.

I don't know whether he is clearly lying but totally agree with good men don't contact sex workers whilst their STBW is pregnant

The only reason marriages lasted longer in the "old days" is because women (and men) were too afraid to leave toxic marriages. If you're able to leave, then leave. He won't stop what he's doing, he'll just get better at hiding it.

Ah OP. I'm so sorry this POS has devastated your life in this way.

There's a saying- when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

You will grieve the future that you thought you had, but you will find a better life that your reality would be with him.

You will need to talk to a solicitor about the house, child support. Etc.

But please, don't stay with him.

He’s laying the blame with you - who else can he blame? Himself…no he’s not going to blame himself for using prostitutes, it’s easier to blame you you for not giving him sex

I'm so sorry you're going through this ❤️

I think @gettingbackonit23 has said everything that needs to be said.

Well that and get an STI test 😥

Seriously?!!! I'm guessing you are male! Terrible advice

No I’m a believer in true love