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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He’s left after 12 years and 4 kids.

57 replies

Lmlrts · 11/04/2024 08:54

Hello
So me and my partner have been arguing and unhappy for a while. We have 4 youngish children. I am not perfect but feel on my part I have tried to make it work. Making him nice dinners etc, planning things as a family. The problem was (that I felt) nothing was ever his fault. If something upset me and I mentioned it he would turn it around on me and then bring up anything I’ve ever done in the past to annoy him. He never apologizes for anything. It came to a head this week as we had been arguing about something that he had said, I rarely bring up anything to him as I know it will get defensive but this meant something to me. He then denied he ever said it. It’s been going round like this for years and it’s draining, sometimes I think is it me?
It Will then result in him being in a strop with me. Looking back I don’t actually think he’s ever enjoyed holidays or anything with us as he finds it too stressful. But then he’ll say things like he doesn’t feel wanted anyway.
Anyway he said he was moving out and packed a bag, sat the kids down and told them he was going and then went to his mum’s. I get embarrassed that his family always know when we argue.
I just feel angry today that he gave up so easily and left the kids. I don’t really know what I’m asking but maybe how to navigate the next stage or what might happen next.
Feel emotionally drained!
Thanks for reading x

OP posts:
ChangeAgain2 · 11/04/2024 08:58

Hell probably be back in a few days. It sounds like this is part of his MO. Is this the first time he's left like this or does he do it often? I reckon it's a manipulative technique.

Lmlrts · 11/04/2024 09:00

Hello
He's done it before. This time feels different though as he actually sat the kids down and told them he was moving out etc.

OP posts:
Cathbrownlow · 11/04/2024 09:03

You must feel so confused right now. Regardless of whether he chooses to come back or not, perhaps this is the moment to have a good hard think about what to do if you were to go it alone. Do you work? Do you own your home?

Duckingella · 11/04/2024 09:05

He sounds like a dickhead;why would you want him back?

GrumpyPanda · 11/04/2024 09:11

"Making him nice dinners" oh Lord. Does HE ever do anything nice for you?

DimLlaeth · 11/04/2024 09:11

The first thing you need to do is make sure you've got access to money for the next few weeks. So if its a joint account, take some cash out for food etc

Check your entitlement to Universal Credit on this website:

https://www.turn2us.org.uk/

Apply now, as the first payment takes 5 weeks to come through. You can always cancel your claim if he comes back.

Have a look at the child maintenance calculator:

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

Tell him.you are doing this, as that may make him think about what he actually wants.

Apply for a single person council tax reduction.

The turn2us website will tell you if you're entitled to a further council tax reduction due to income. You will need to apply separately so do that if you are eligible.

Apply for a cheaper tariff for water, your supplier will have info on the website. You are usually eligible for this if you have 4 children.

If entitled to Universal Credit, look at getting a cheaper broadband package. Info here:

https://www.ofcom.org.uk/phones-telecoms-and-internet/advice-for-consumers/costs-and-billing/social-tariffs

If your income is low, apply for free school meals. Even if the children get universal free school meals you need to apply for fresh school meals, as the free school meals eligibility entitles you to other grants.

Go through your income/expenditure and see where you can make changes and make a budget.

""

Turn2us

Turn2us is a national charity providing practical help to those of us facing financial insecurity.

https://www.turn2us.org.uk

Lmlrts · 11/04/2024 09:11

lol! Thank you that made me smile Duckingella! I feel different this time and I don’t want him to come home if he can always leave so easily! I have a business so will be fine financially and am happy to be with the kids on my own. I just think it could have been easily rectified if he just took some responsibility sometimes and said sorry occasionally.

OP posts:
yarnwitch · 11/04/2024 09:14

Have you got any family you can take the children to or have support from?
It doesn't sound like things have been good. You're bound to feel awful right now, but try not to sit waiting for him, try and use the space to think what YOU want. Take note of, besides the current hurt, how you feel without him there. How do the children feel, is it more relaxed and peaceful. Maybe try and get an appointment with a solicitor too. Start thinking of practical things like making sure you have money secured if you share a bank account.

Lmlrts · 11/04/2024 10:51

Thank you for your replies. I will just carry on and plan some nice things for me and the kids to look forward to and focus on that.
Will start looking into the practical stuff. I have a very supportive family and good group of friends so I’m sure all will be ok. Just a bit daunting at the moment thinking about the future!

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 11/04/2024 10:54

Put the chain on the lock. He can stand on the doorstep and ask nicely to come in.

( you don’t have to say yes).

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 11/04/2024 10:56

I'd be doing a little happy dance that he's gone tbh.

Imagine how much nicer, calmer, happier and stress free yours and the kids life will be now.

I'd change the locks and start sorting the legal stuff.

Newestname002 · 11/04/2024 11:13

@Lmlrts

I have a business so will be fine financially and am happy to be with the kids on my own.

That's good but:

  • ensure he can't access your bank accounts. He'd not be the first man to clear out the partner/spouse's account on leaving
  • ensure he pays child maintenance. Probably best to go via CMS and get them to liaise with him
  • Yes change the locks so he can't just wander in and out as he wishes
  • you say "partner" I'm assuming you're not married, so one complication out of the way
  • who owns the house/is on the deeds/pays the mortgage?
  • Put an alert on your property in case he tries anything detrimental regarding your home (propertyalert.landregistry.gov.uk/).

Good luck OP. 🌹

differentnameforthis · 11/04/2024 11:26

It’s been going round like this for years and it’s draining, sometimes I think is it me?

It's called gaslighting and is designed to make you feel like you're the problem, when in fact, he is.

Gaslighting is a form of abuse, as hard as it is, you're better off without it.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 11/04/2024 11:29

If he's told the children he's leaving I wouldn't be having him back, he's using them to try and emotionally manipulate and control you. It's a change but it sounds like you'll be ok

ChangeAgain2 · 11/04/2024 11:36

@Lmlrts Once he realises that you're now serious about ending the relationship he'll be cryinging, begging and saying you broke up the family.

He's left before and you've had him back. Hell ramp up the manipulation when he's ready to come home. Stand firm otherwise you'll continue to do this forever.

Lmlrts · 11/04/2024 11:47

differentnameforthis · 11/04/2024 11:26

It’s been going round like this for years and it’s draining, sometimes I think is it me?

It's called gaslighting and is designed to make you feel like you're the problem, when in fact, he is.

Gaslighting is a form of abuse, as hard as it is, you're better off without it.

Do you know what I’ve never thought of it as gaslighting before. I think now I’ve put it down in words it’s made me look at it in a new light.

OP posts:
Cantabulous · 11/04/2024 11:47

The fact he sat the kids down and put them through hearing he's leaving and not coming back means he has to stand by his word. It's what you want too by the sounds of it. Neither of you can mess your kids around. He doesn't come back. All the rest flows from there. He's not coming back.

Lmlrts · 11/04/2024 11:48

ChangeAgain2 · 11/04/2024 11:36

@Lmlrts Once he realises that you're now serious about ending the relationship he'll be cryinging, begging and saying you broke up the family.

He's left before and you've had him back. Hell ramp up the manipulation when he's ready to come home. Stand firm otherwise you'll continue to do this forever.

Thank you. I feel absolutely stronger this time as he’s got the kids involved.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 11/04/2024 11:49

Really don’t see what he’s adding to your or the children’s lives, other than teaching them that it’s fine to treat the person you supposedly love badly.

Lmlrts · 11/04/2024 11:50

Cantabulous · 11/04/2024 11:47

The fact he sat the kids down and put them through hearing he's leaving and not coming back means he has to stand by his word. It's what you want too by the sounds of it. Neither of you can mess your kids around. He doesn't come back. All the rest flows from there. He's not coming back.

Absolutely. I didn’t want the family unit to break up but it’s been taken out of my hands and I will now stand firm. Thank you for replying.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 11/04/2024 11:51

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 11/04/2024 11:29

If he's told the children he's leaving I wouldn't be having him back, he's using them to try and emotionally manipulate and control you. It's a change but it sounds like you'll be ok

Yes, and this... so when he wants to come grovelling back, he'll tell the kids you won't let him!

MILTOBE · 11/04/2024 11:52

Be prepared for him to:

Blame you
Blame you
Blame you
Apologise
Apologise with tears
Ask to come back
Tell you you're the only woman he's ever really loved
Blame you
Tell you he hates you
Cry
Threaten suicide
Go off without saying anything for a few days
Meet someone else within minutes of leaving your house
Tell her you're crazy
Tell his friends you spend his child maintenance on getting your nails done

differentnameforthis · 11/04/2024 11:53

Lmlrts · 11/04/2024 11:47

Do you know what I’ve never thought of it as gaslighting before. I think now I’ve put it down in words it’s made me look at it in a new light.

I'm sorry op, it's shit when you start to see everything differently and the rose tinted glasses are forced off your face!

I'm three yrs out and I am still reframing a lot of what he did & it can be hard!

Good Luck.

Blibbleflibble · 11/04/2024 11:54

I agree with others he's being a manipulative gaslighting twat, however he's brought the kids into it this time and no doubt upset them deeply. That would be the end of the fucker for me. Get your ducks in a row ring around a few solicitors to get advice and catch the bastard on the back foot.

He's trying to punish you for questioning him, it sounds like you'll be better off without. Sending massive hugs and strength OP!

RandomMess · 11/04/2024 11:54

Put in a claim with CMS today and see how quickly he wants to come back.

Also start a UC or amend your current one as you are likely eligible for childcare costs help.

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