He’s left after 12 years and 4 kids.

[Lmlrts]

Hello
So me and my partner have been arguing and unhappy for a while. We have 4 youngish children. I am not perfect but feel on my part I have tried to make it work. Making him nice dinners etc, planning things as a family. The problem was (that I felt) nothing was ever his fault. If something upset me and I mentioned it he would turn it around on me and then bring up anything I’ve ever done in the past to annoy him. He never apologizes for anything. It came to a head this week as we had been arguing about something that he had said, I rarely bring up anything to him as I know it will get defensive but this meant something to me. He then denied he ever said it. It’s been going round like this for years and it’s draining, sometimes I think is it me?
It Will then result in him being in a strop with me. Looking back I don’t actually think he’s ever enjoyed holidays or anything with us as he finds it too stressful. But then he’ll say things like he doesn’t feel wanted anyway.
Anyway he said he was moving out and packed a bag, sat the kids down and told them he was going and then went to his mum’s. I get embarrassed that his family always know when we argue.
I just feel angry today that he gave up so easily and left the kids. I don’t really know what I’m asking but maybe how to navigate the next stage or what might happen next.
Feel emotionally drained!
Thanks for reading x

It sounds as though he's been manipulating and gaslighting you for years, that's abusive!

It might feel daunting and overwhelming at the moment, but you will find that the longer you spend out of his negative influence, the clearer your mind will become and you'll be able to move forward and embrace life as you should be living it.

Just imagine what it's going to be like for you to wake up in the morning and not be worried about saying or doing something "wrong", to not be worried about "upsetting" him, to not feel stressed and drained. You can focus on yourself and your children now.

Wow thank you all so much for all the support. It really means a lot and makes me feel so much stronger. I really appreciate it.

You sound a strong and resourceful lady, and I hope this is just the beginning of much better times ahead for you and the kids. As other posters have said, what does he bring to your life? Little or nothing, from the sound of it, and sounds an arrogant twit. I'm sure you feel low and sad, but it sounds absolutely the right thing for you all - onwards and upwards now, OP. 🌻🌺

Sweetheart, if you don't want him back, do not take him back. He's crossed the Rubicon telling your children but make sure you tell the children how much he loves them and make their relationship easy. Take the good advice from PP about benefits etc and call your girlfriends and tell them everything and let them support you. I've nothing useful to say to you, even if you saw it coming it must be a horrible shock and be as kind to yourself as you would a woman you loved. You do actually deserve so much better than to be manipulated like this when you've so many people to care for. You know your own mind, nothing he can say now can take back what he's done but don't let this be a play for control. My very best wishes x

Probably provides the money.

otherwise I don’t know why she would stay

I just think it could have been easily rectified if he just took some responsibility sometimes and said sorry occasionally.

You really aren't asking very much of him. He sounds like a man child.

It is not his choice to come back or not. He has left the family home and involved the kids by telling them that it is final. It is up to OP to have him back or not and I do hope she makes the most of the opportunity he has presented by not having him back.

Hopefully life will be more peaceful without having to pacify a stroppy grown adult. Some people won't be pleased no matter how hard you try so probably not worth bothering. He's thrown his toys out of the pram and cried wolf for the last time. Make sure you give it several weeks and by that time you will probably find that you don't miss him.

This is all good advice. If/when he contacts you you can arrange a time for him to collect his things from the binbags outside the house.

Thanks for all the input, have taken it all onboard and will start sorting things out.

Also if you have any joint accounts or savings take half and put it in your own named account so he can't just drain the lot once he realises you've taken him seriously and are putting wheels of potential seperation and divorce in motion. Make sure you have yours and kids passports and birth certificates and put them in a safe place like a parents house. Act as if he may fuck you over, what is the worst thing he could do? And try to pre-empt it. Xx

Genuinely look into solicitors asap and get a couple of free half hour consultations from your favourites he may do the same and block you using them.

Thanks very much for all your replies. He’s gone away for a few days which is an absolute blessing so we don’t have to see one another (for the kids) for a few days and I can just enjoy some time with the kids.

Excellent opportunity to draw breath, but also to swiftly get your ducks in a row. 🌹

The nasty phone calls have started asking why I’m telling my family stuff. Is this normal part and parcel of it? Didn’t realise after 12 years someone could be so cold. But I’m guessing this is us moving on?

Sure he could have saved the marriage—because you set the bar so low that even saying “sorry” occasionally would have felt like s miracle.

He isn’t a very nice person! He doesn’t love you or the life you offered him. You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.

Let him go and move on with your life.

@Lmlrts tell him to only contact you if it's about your children or his contact with them. Don't reply or respond to anything that isn't about the kids or his contact with them. Also apply for child maintenance and make sure any benefits claims are up-to-date and know about the end of the relationship.

Has he bothered to come and collect his kids for contact or given you anything to provide for them? Also don't allow him to just take one or two at a time. You have to manage with 4 so he needs to manage with 4. It will just be another tactic so you don't get any down time.

You talk to anyone you want to about anything you want to. It's none of his business.

ETA: He's pissed your telling people because it means you're serious. You're not covering for him or making excuses for him. He can see that he's burnt his bridges.

So he can just up and leave you, and his children, breaking their hearts, but the moment you start telling the truth to people he gets nasty. Awful man. Don’t put up with it. You sound brilliantly strong and a wonderful mother and you’ve got a much brighter future ahead - stay strong and keep
your head held high xx

Thanks so much. Your messages and support mean more than you’ll know x

You don't have to take his phone calls.
You are allowed to say whatever you want about your relationship to whoever you want ( as he has done).
Ask for all comms to be text or email ( or via a solicitor if he gets unpleasant).

Expect and prepare for the worst. Stop expecting any empathy from now since you've stopped tolerating his shit. Expect him to tell you you're the bad guy.

Then ignore everything. Enjoy your freedom., your DC and your life without that massive bell end. He sounds just like my exH. My life improved immeasurably once I kicked him out.

He did however at one time, swear at me in Klingon which reinforced with every fibre of my being I was doing the right thing.

Thanks! Absolutely looking forward to being able to write this to someone else one day! How long did it take you to overcome the crappy stage? Or did you feel better straight away?

Google the grey rock technique - you'll definitely need to be able to use it

He sounds awful. Grey rock him as much as you can. You will be so much happier in the future.

Sounds exactly like my abusive ex. Let him go, get through the heartache and you'll see it's no way to live your life.

Good luck, OP. Look to the better times ahead.

First of all @Treacletoots : He did however at one time, swear at me in Klingon which reinforced with every fibre of my being I was doing the right thing.

WTF?! 😂😂It did make me chuckle!!

@Lmlrts Why can he tell his family (as you said, they always know when you're arguing), but you can't tell yours??

He's just looking for an excuse to be angry at you. Making you the bad guy means he doesn't have to apologise. And you said yourself that he never apologises. It's just a tactic.

Think of everything he says and does, from now on, as just another tactic of his. If he truly loved and cared for you and the children, he would not be using tactics. He would be sincere and genuine.

You deserve so much more.