Heart is breaking. Need advice & support

[Sjay123]

Hello everyone.

About 2 weeks ago my partner of 13 years told me he wants to leave. He doesn't see me as a partner anymore more like a sister and nothing will change that. We have a 6 year old daughter together who is also autistic.

We have been 'unhappy' a long time, there's issues that I don't want to go into with intimacy that were long standing, and also we have both been through a hell of a lot of crap together. As well as raising our daughter who is wonderful but it has been very challenging.

It's never been a toxic household, we don't argue shout or fight. But it's not been 'right for a long time'. I do shoulder some of the blame, which adds to my feelings of guilt & regret. He is also far from blameless in terms of never communicating with me or making attempts at 'fixing things'.

Despite this I love him a lot, he's my best friend and I cannot imagine life without him. Our daughter absolutely idolises him and she's so content and happy in her home with us both. I've no idea how she is going to deal with this change and terrified I'm not strong enough to cope alone. I've done nothing but cry when she's not around and feel physical pain in my stomach.

We are waiting until May for him to leave as we have holidays booked and need to sort out finances. That's another issue as he doesn't have a high paying job or drive, I'm breaking my heart thinking how it's all going to work. He won't even have a place of his own she csn visit.

I'm trying to process my own heartbreak and fear of the future whilst being terrified for my daughter.

Anyone have any words of wisdom, or can tell me this won't hurt forever.

S x

A friend met his wife on HelloTalk. Very similar story except he was single at the time. Chatted daily for months and he flew over to see her. They spent 2 weeks in her home country and was engaged by the end. The visa process was very tricky as the authorities naturally suspected a sham marriage, but it was actually genuine. They are both nice people and she wasn't a stereotypical mail order bride. She was funny, university educated and hard working, and sort of got into the whole thing as an adventure. Unfortunately the marriage didn't last because she realised he was not ambitious at all and life in "The West" wasn't as glamorous as she imagined. He barely made any money and they lived together in a tiny dingy flat. The irony is that after they divorced, she went on to make more money than he ever did, bought her own property and is now happy and successful in a new relationship.

It's probably not a scam. HelloTalk is a well-known platform for females from asian countries seeking "wealthier" men from the west, under the pretence of language learning. It's hard to say where things go from here. Some women just want a rich white man to fund their lifestyle and family. Some want the chance to leave their country and see the world. Some are escaping abusive homes or relationships and meeting a man overseas means they can leave for good.

You'll only know if he's been catfished if she starts asking for money.

I don't think I will ever understand men. Who throws away their family for an online relationship with someone who potentially doesn't exist and who they've never met? How embarrassing for him. Maybe that's why he's working the extra hours, to send her money? I'm sorry you've gone through a difficult time, OP, and your ex partner has put his dick ahead of you and his child. He's nothing more than a pathetic, sad man. I wish you and your daughter all the best for the future.

I think I said before I wondered if he had additional needs or autism and this scenario makes me wonder about that even more. . Often they can get very sucked in to online links/scams and being flattered easily. I’m wondering if there is another way to stop him making a huge mistake if he’s genuinely not able to see the situation but I can’t quite think of anything that could help- for your daughters sake if nothing else! I feel for you what a horrid situation.

I agree and most definitely since the split I'm seeing it more. He's always been all or nothing with everything, takes things to extremes, very prone to depression, anxiety, panic attacks. He really thinks this girl just wants him & it's nothing at all to do with finances. He's definitely vulnerable to stuff like this, but he has also definitely acted with little respect or regard for anyone else & been so cold. So it's difficult

Huh? What are you talking about. SURELY you aren't suggesting unhappy people should just stay in relationships forever and SURELY you aren't suggesting ending an unhappy relationship isn't somehow a terrible thing to do?

Why have you leapt in with all the accusations. All he's done is said the relationship is no longer working and they need to split. The OP hasn't said he has said anything about not sharing custody etc

He's currently seeing her for tea/bedtime routine one day in the week, then has her Friday night til Saturday 3pm. She's happy and that's all that matters, she sends him emails when he's not here. Hoping it all stays this way

It is a tad annoying it has to be at my house so I get no empty house ever and have to vacate Friday nights to family or friends, but it is what it is for now!

So pleased to read you and your daughter are doing well OP. How did your cancer scare go? All good I hope.

Thank you, yes I got the all clear another fibroadenoma!

Hi OP

Glad to hear of your results.

You sound SO strong. What an idiot so many of these 'men' are/turn out to be.

You're better off without him but this must still be so difficult for you in these early days.

It's so much adjusting and sometimes I just feel like, has the last decade been a total lie? Such an array of emotions. I do definitely feel strong which at the start of this felt impossible. It's changed my whole outlook on life and love.