Heart is breaking. Need advice & support

[Sjay123]

Hello everyone.

About 2 weeks ago my partner of 13 years told me he wants to leave. He doesn't see me as a partner anymore more like a sister and nothing will change that. We have a 6 year old daughter together who is also autistic.

We have been 'unhappy' a long time, there's issues that I don't want to go into with intimacy that were long standing, and also we have both been through a hell of a lot of crap together. As well as raising our daughter who is wonderful but it has been very challenging.

It's never been a toxic household, we don't argue shout or fight. But it's not been 'right for a long time'. I do shoulder some of the blame, which adds to my feelings of guilt & regret. He is also far from blameless in terms of never communicating with me or making attempts at 'fixing things'.

Despite this I love him a lot, he's my best friend and I cannot imagine life without him. Our daughter absolutely idolises him and she's so content and happy in her home with us both. I've no idea how she is going to deal with this change and terrified I'm not strong enough to cope alone. I've done nothing but cry when she's not around and feel physical pain in my stomach.

We are waiting until May for him to leave as we have holidays booked and need to sort out finances. That's another issue as he doesn't have a high paying job or drive, I'm breaking my heart thinking how it's all going to work. He won't even have a place of his own she csn visit.

I'm trying to process my own heartbreak and fear of the future whilst being terrified for my daughter.

Anyone have any words of wisdom, or can tell me this won't hurt forever.

S x

Its likely to be a bloke living in an office block in Indonesia - check out the recent romance scamming documentary. They work on shifts and have many ‘pigs’ being scammed at once. They get electrocuted if they lose a pig.

He has basically enjoyed the smoke being blown up his arse by this man/lady. Protect yourself and your daughter - especially if you think he is foolish enough to send pics of your child. And I think he is foolish enough. (The scammers use fools selfie pictures sent as private messages to lure in other men/women as they cannot reverse image search them - meaning they look genuine).

What a twat. Hope you have a great life going forward - all the best.

I'm just absolutely gobsmacked. I feel he needs serious mental help. Thankfully I am good financially we have nothing joint and I don't rely on him.

He has definitely been depressed for a long time but I have done so much to try and help him absolutely nothing works. His actions are draining me I just want to move on & for him to be a good, healthy, happy dad.

Not acting like a child thinking he has this young new girlfriend in Laos who's going to come live with him! I'm not being nasty, but if the girl in the pictures is real, she wouldn't see anything in him.

I've got such second hand embarrassment for what hes doing, when this all comes crashing down & he realises he's been in fantasty land I'm dreading the next shit show

A woman in Laos? Sweet Jesus what an idiot he is.

One of the poorest places on the planet it is rife with scammers, Westerners being the prime target.

He's not got his head screwed on OP. You detach yourself from this shitshow and look after yourself and your wee girl.

God what an idiot. I'm absolutely cringing on his behalf.

Please don't ever take him back op.

Glad to hear you're sounding so strong. Keep going!

Well, that's embarrassing.
For him, I mean.
What a fool.

I'm 99% it's a fake profile. Probably using pics of this girl. I don't know if he's even spoke to her on video or anything. He must be absolutely deluded to think this is a real thing! I'm cringing so hard that I was with this guy for 13 years, I really want him to be who I thought he was for my daughters sake but wow this really is something crazy. She also looks like a child even though her profile says 24. She looks 14. How do I even navigate this shit show & coparent with him when I want to throttle him

Luckily this is not your problem, and not your shit show.

Just carry on as usual and just nod your head - when you get some free time, catch up on the series on BBC1 For Love or Money.

I will be surprised if she is there to meet him when he arrives in her country in November.

I wonder if she has started asking for money yet.

Fortunately you refer to him as your partner, so i guess you are not married so you don't have the hassle or expensive of a divorce.

I would however get maintenance sorted legally, immediately.

I've just RTFT and want to say how incredible you are. You deserve so much better than him and he did you a favour by leaving.

He is an absolute loser and a complete embarrassment for falling for this scam. I can't wait until it all bites him on the arse and he realises what he's done!

Make sure that he hasn't got access to family money, OP.

If this person asks for money, your H might easily send some. A lot, even.

No access to my money. He's been working 60/70 hours a week since leaving nightshifts the lot, I assumed to save for his own place but now I'm thinking it's to fly over and meet her. It's a bloody scam how can't he see that. I've found 5 social media profiles of hers, all shady, all say she works in finance in Laos, typical romance scam. How is he going to feel knowing he's been duped and daft enough to fall for this crap.

Why is he waiting until November to fly out to meet ' his girlfriend ' ? surely he wants to go there much sooner ! it's 5 months away !!!

Don't get involved, stop looking at / for her profiles, he is an adult and not your responsibility he is not your child.

You and your daughter are your responsibility, and what you concentrate on now.

Thank God your daughter has you. Do you own your house ? Will he want to sell it to go and be scammed ??

Please don't try and rescue him from this - he won't thank you and it's not worth torturing yourself over.

If there's any friend or relative you think would actually listen to you (rather than just write this off as a jealous ex) you could try raising it with them. Otherwise there's nothing you can do.

My home is rented and there's no way he can screw me financially, I contacted csa when we decided to split filled in the form but not heard a peep from them since says account is in contacting father stage, so he's been paying informally for now.

He's totally smitten and tells me it's all genuine they video call everyday and he's even spoke to her family on there, very strange!

It'll be a group of people keeping him talking, possibly from somewhere in Africa.

Have you told him what you think?

Yes in depth but it's like he's completely blinded to reality, accusing me of not wanting him to be happy. I'm considering telling his sister and leaving it with them. He think he knows this girl inside out so I said how can you possibly know her when you've never met, as it turns out I didn't know you at all after over a decade together... honestly!

Do not get involved any further, you have told him what you think.
he is apparently a grown adult, you move on, let him make his mistakes.

focus on yourself and your daughter - full stop.

you only have to deal with him re maintenance for your daughter and when/where/how often he will see daughter. full stop.

I would tell his sister. Just like I would tell a relative of anyone I thought to be a victim of crime. The criminals are excellent at romance scams and so many people fall for them. I would tell his sister, not to get him back, but just because personally I would then be satisfied I had done all I could for another person. He doesn’t deserve your assistance but I would do it for myself. Because living by your values will help you during this time. It will help with self esteem too.

I also wouldn’t want him twisting and rewriting our break up at a later date. By telling his family now while he is in the Romeo and Juliet stage of his new found relationship it will be obvious that he is a cheater. Because I bet he has been chatting to the scammer for a while.

Do not listen to the ‘he was having a breakdown’ cries from his family - no he caused a breakdown by initially replying to a woman he should not have been chatting to. He didn’t know her, had no reason to link with her. He chose to bring such nonsense into all your lives.

I've spoken to his sister, she feels exactly the same as me about it. That's all I can do now, I'll just crack on with life and hope there's no other bombshell awaiting

I hope you have real life support op. It often comes from people you would never imagine. I think you did the right thing telling his sister.

He will rewrite history once more when he realises his Juliet is really a scam artist. So keep a journal for your own sanity.

I'm confused - you say about this 'girlfriend'

She also looks like a child even though her profile says 24.

Yet you also said about her

She's 10 years his senior

So how old is your ex?

Not being awkward, just genuinely confused!

I meant to say shes 10 years younger than him if that is her real age

Ahhhh.....now it makes sense!

Yup, sounds like he's been catfished