Heart is breaking. Need advice & support

[Sjay123]

Hello everyone.

About 2 weeks ago my partner of 13 years told me he wants to leave. He doesn't see me as a partner anymore more like a sister and nothing will change that. We have a 6 year old daughter together who is also autistic.

We have been 'unhappy' a long time, there's issues that I don't want to go into with intimacy that were long standing, and also we have both been through a hell of a lot of crap together. As well as raising our daughter who is wonderful but it has been very challenging.

It's never been a toxic household, we don't argue shout or fight. But it's not been 'right for a long time'. I do shoulder some of the blame, which adds to my feelings of guilt & regret. He is also far from blameless in terms of never communicating with me or making attempts at 'fixing things'.

Despite this I love him a lot, he's my best friend and I cannot imagine life without him. Our daughter absolutely idolises him and she's so content and happy in her home with us both. I've no idea how she is going to deal with this change and terrified I'm not strong enough to cope alone. I've done nothing but cry when she's not around and feel physical pain in my stomach.

We are waiting until May for him to leave as we have holidays booked and need to sort out finances. That's another issue as he doesn't have a high paying job or drive, I'm breaking my heart thinking how it's all going to work. He won't even have a place of his own she csn visit.

I'm trying to process my own heartbreak and fear of the future whilst being terrified for my daughter.

Anyone have any words of wisdom, or can tell me this won't hurt forever.

S x

It's so odd because we don't ever do things together, like we've not been a close couple for a long time but he's been a constant here for 13 years and the first person is turn too if anything was wrong. I'm struggling mostly with the fear of being alone, I had a 7 year relationship end in early 20s then pretty quickly got with my partner and it's been 13 years, I've never lived alone.

My mother and father divorced when I was 11, I was happy as it was toxic and luckily my father is fantastic he moved very close by and I moved in with him at 12, as my mother decided to leave our childhood home and move to a 1 bedroom flat with her boyfriend so it wasn't suitable. I stayed with my dad who worked a lot but did everything he could, I've always idolised him.

I think things that have shaped me from childhood may be having an effect on my emotional response to all of this. A good father figure is so important for my daughter I so desperately want her to have what I had. Also feelings of abandonment and fear of being alone.

I'm dreading night times x

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. As other have said take your time and get support from others and try and impress on him the importance of keeping things as routine as poss for your daughter.

As an aside, is there a chance he could be on the spectrum as well??

It’s good you’ve found your anger. Now you stop listening to what he wants, you don’t ask him what he will do, you TELL him. Tell him he’ll be doing 50% of pick ups, drop offs, 50% of all childcare. How he travels is his problem, you offer no solutions.
Going on holiday together maybe isn’t a good idea. Can you change it to you DD and maybe a friend, or your mum, sister ? Or just you and DD? Sad daddy couldn’t come, he’s very busy.

Have everything crossed your health problem is found to be nothing concerning. Stay strong , and a bit angry.

It's something I've considered a lot over the years, his brother is also autistic. When mentioned to him he would disregard it, but I think he knows that it's probable. I struggled a lot to communicate over the years with him it was a brick wall

I might be coloured by my own experience, but make sure you have lots of assistance in place in case he vanishes without a trace. All this 'he will have her xxx evening and overnight' may well go by the wayside if he meets (or has met) another woman who demands his time. They can promise the earth and it can reassure you that life will be fine, then hie off over the horizon never to be seen again, leaving you with ALL the work and ALL the stress. The more support network you can set up for yourself now while you still have back up, the better.

It may well explain a lot of the issues you’re having, even tho that is no consolation to you now.
if he would consider it, would a specialist counsellor who deals with undiagnosed autism help you at all?

He's amazingly stubborn so I doubt it, I had mentioned in the past the things he struggled with like communication, certain sensory things(not good in big groups, loud sounds, heat etc)
It probably did contribute a lot to our struggles over the years, I tried my hardest to help him but it was never enough, time to concentrate on me and daughter now i guess.

It is strange I thought he'd feel like a weights been lifted after telling me he sees me as a sister now and there's no future, but he seems just as depressed as he was before maybe even more. Who knows even though it's what he wants he may still be scared of the change. All I talk to him about now is the future, what in going to do to the house and how we can increase visits with DD x

That is an amazing attitude to have and your daughter is lucky to have you as her Mum 🥰 He sounds very much like my DH and while I’m no expert he does sound like it could be autism related esp with the depression as well.

hopefully you can move forward from here, it will be different but you sound already like you’re ready to move forward x

I am feeling stronger day by day, have the odd breakdown usually in bed but I'm definitely not in the mess I was the first few days. The future us scary now as I'd always assumed it was us 3 until the end, but I guess nobody knows what's around the corner in life so it was never truly guaranteed x

Well I let it all out to him tonight. Told him how appalling I think he's treated me, as I forgot to mention he ended it and said he was going to leave via text.
Told him how I'd stuck by him for 13 years through everything and he didn't even have the decency to communicate with me how he was feeling. Told him that just because he's opting out of our relationship he doesn't get to opt out of being a dad, a real active role in her life. He stayed silent, he's great at that.

I asked him why he never told me at the beginning and we could have at the least tried to work on things, he said 'because I didn't want to work on it, I didn't want to fix it'..

I've told him that he's leaving because he can't cope with family life, can't cope with having responsibilities and that's the truth, everything is a stress to him, but he doesn't get to just walk away.

I think I got my point across and I'm feeling quite proud, though I did cry yet again. Feel better I've told him what I think and that I didn't deserve how he's treated me, and that if there's another woman he's deluded himself & one day may be his biggest regret

I ended the conversation by saying we need some serious conversations about your co parenting when you leave, how he's going to support her through it as our daughter is extremely emotional and this will undoubtedly affect her even with us being amicable.

Just wanted to update this. Ex moved out in May, I've been doing so well I've been very proud of how I've adjusted and my daughter. Got our own little routine now. Her dad sees her one day in the week after school til bedtime, then has her overnight at my house on a Friday. However drumroll... despite the NUMEROUS times asking over the past few months he has just tonight finally admitted there's a girl. He has sent me a text message to say out of respect I thought I'd let you know I have a girlfriend now 😂😂😂 you couldn't make it up!

I knew it!

uou should be proud of you OP! You’re doing bloody amazing!

You are amazing.
He on the other hand is an ass. How long has been seeing this girlfriend?

You don't need to make it up....its always the case with men. Glad you're feeling stronger though and have managed to pick up some of the pieces and start building a new future for you and your daughter.

He who laughs last etc 🤣 well done op, onwards and upwards x

Some meaning of "respect" that no-one has ever heard of! Wishing you well - you deserve better than that waste of space

You'll feel angry soon. Its fine for him to just bugger off leaving you and DD to pick up all the pieces.

I knew it in my gut all along but he played a blinder, had me so concerned for his mental health too the last few weeks, wasted so much energy on this and that's what angers me, the tears and sleepless nights!

I told him he used the script, typical coward. He insists this is a new thing and will never admit to cheating, he's never been one for taking accountability. What are these men?

There’s always a girl (or man). Men in particular don’t leave relationships unless they have a new person lined up.

well done for being strong OP and he’ll come crawling back when it goes tits up, but you’re so much better away from this cliche loser of a man. Just another to deliver the script word for word!

It seems as if he is doing the absolute bare minimum of parenting, and that was before this woman officially arrived on the scene. I think it could go one of two ways now - he sees even less of your DD than he already does, or he wants to act like father of the year in front of the girlfriend. I would head the first option off at the pass by responding breezily 'thanks for letting me know. We should have a chat about our expectations around when new partners are introduced to DD, I think most people aim to wait for about six months?'.

Keep it totally factual and if there's a slight hint that you've got someone in the wings (what with all that spare time you get from solo parenting his child) so be it.

I think he will distance himself even further from our daughter. In the weeks up to him leaving he cried tears over how much he will miss her, seemed to be in total mental anguish! He sees her for a couple of hours after school on a tuesday and has her overnight Fridays, all at my house as he doesn't have a place of his own and has moved in with a relative 20 miles away. I'm fully expecting a text message in the coming weeks/months that he's moving in with the 'new' girl or that she's pregnant.

What angers me is how much time & energy I wasted on this person, looking back they were never good enough for me & I can't believe I allowed it. He has always displayed the 'good guy' image to everyone, a devoted dad but who doesn't take his eyes from his phone to talk to his daughter.

I need to update this. I'm in utter shock ladies. So this 'girlfriend' turns out to be someone he's never met, she lives in Laos!!!
She's 10 years his senior, never met her, they started talking through an app called HelloTalk, he's going over there in November to meet her! Yet changed his relationship status to in a relationship with her

Someone please tell me this isn't happening, he's very clearly lost his head!

OMG, what an absolute dick. He very pompously sent you a message 'out of respect I thought I'd let you know I have a girlfriend now' about an internet rando who is probably a scammer?

I suppose I should feel sorry for him that he has almost certainly been the victim of a romance scam but the main thing now is for you to make sure your finances are protected. Do you have any shared accounts still, do you have a formal arrangement for maintenance payments?