Should I contact my half sister and how?

[Sockmate123]

I found out I had a half sister 12 years ago. She was a child at the time. I was expecting my first baby. She was the result of an affair my Dad had.
He had little contact with her other than sending money sporadically.
My Dad died 2 years ago. About 6 months after he died my mum received a letter from a solicitor saying my half sister would like to make contact with myself and my sister.
Sister and Mum were horrified and said absolutely not etc, didn't reply to the letter and destroyed it.
I have been thinking alot over the last couple of years I would like to open some kind of contact.
I wondered would a solicitor act as an intermediary for me to send a letter. I dont want to give her my phone number or address at this point. I would also have to do this behind my Mums back which I don't like doing but I think it's unfair she effectively made this decision for me.

I would contact the the solicitor and ask that question.

You can also get the information from the solicitor and contact your sibling yourself. The position she was put in was not her fault and seeing she would like to know of you there is very little to loose?

Thank you for your reply. I dont know the solicitor as my mother destroyed the letter but I do remember her address from the letter (by some miracle!) I was more thinking from my side to keep a bit of distance to use a solicitor for initial contact.
My mother has said it will destroy her if I make contact and that she has 'nothing to do with us'.

Why did you all destroy the letter? It's not your half sisters fault.

I can understand your DM, but these were the actions of your DF and so you have every right to contact.

If you have the means a solicitor sounds like an ideal thing to use.

It's unfair for you, your sister, your mother and your half sibling to be in this position.

There simply is no right or wrong for any of you. For me, I would put my mother's emotional health first but I know my mother would want me to put my needs first.

I think it will be a struggle for you to keep it secret. Do you think your full sister would be hurt if you were to share information about her/ your family to someone she wants no contact with ?

I think I would err on the side that the hurt to my mother and full sibling would outweigh my curiosity about someone who I happen to share some genetics with.

I'm sorry you are in this position and hope whatever decision you make gives you peace

We didn't all, my Mum threw it into a fire! 😫

Thank you

Thank you for such a detailed reply. You have perfectly articulated everything I am feeling! Thanks for your kind words x

What an uncomfortable position to be in. No advice on the moral issue, I can see both sides. On the practical side, don't see why you'd bother with a solicitor. You could write and give her either a P.O. box or an email address you specifically create for the purpose.

I agree with @HopeFloatsAbove . Contact the solicitor.
After that, you can figure out the next step.

If it were me in your situation, I would want to contact the half sister, but I would of course try to be as discreet as possible, to not upset anyone.

Only you can know what is right for you.

I hope it will all work out for you!

Thanks for all the lovely replies.

My half sister has no siblings, just her and her Mum. She has nephews and nieces from our side. She wanted to connect with us. I didn't think it an unreasonable request but my mum and sister said she is probably 'looking for money' -There's none!

The PO Box is a good idea. I am really curious about her and protective in a very weird way but I don't want to upset my Mum.

In one way I feel emails could result in huge traffic over a couple of days and I wanted to keep her at arms length if possible for now as it would have to be in secret.

I would worry that the half sister and her mum might not kept your contact confidential. Or that with the best will in the world, it would come out accidentally through some mutual contact.

It's a really hard secret to keep, and in your situation I'd be constantly anxious that it might come to the surface and I'd lose my mother and sister over it.

I would make contact via a solicitor but not tell rest of family. Meet your own needs first but respect their wishes for them not to be in contact or to know anything.

I suppose I run the risk of them reaching out to my mother/sister and saying we are in contact. Its so risky

I think you need to be prepared to possibly lose your mum and sister if you make contact. I’m sure your dad having an affair devastated your mother and I understand why she would be against it.

However, you should do whatever you want.

I have a older half brother who I don’t have any contact with and I’m not open to having contact either. I just have no interest at all.

OPs mother is out of order. I have 4 full siblings and I have half siblings on my dads side too. Long story short but my mother never came between any of the siblings which includes affairs infact I have have 2 brothers that are less than 1 year apart!

I would contact your sister OP at the end of the day you are a grown woman and under no obligation. Good luck!

I think you should.

It is sensitive but ultimately I think your DM is being selfish here.

She is your flesh and blood whether your DM likes it or not.

OP has the half sisters address. She can contact her if she wants. Her mothers and sister feelings are valid. You don’t need to agree but it doesn’t mean she’s out of order for not wanting contact.

But I’m not one of these who thinks flesh and blood is the be all of everything.

You say that she has nieces and nephews on your side.

See, this is just another complication. Presumably these are your sister's children ? Your sister wants no contact with your half sibling so you simply don't have the right to discuss her family with the half sibling.

Balancing everyone's needs and wants is impossible without hurting someone.

This woman was abandoned by your father, presumably was part of a hugely difficult time in your mother's life and she missed out on sibling relationships. This is t going to be some bittersweet reunion..

Someone is going to get hurt and at least one person is going to feel rejected or betrayed. In the real world without the bonds of shared memories and experiences, your half sibling isnt part of your family group and you could lose everyone. You need to consider what you hope to get out of this possible contact. How will she feel if you initiate contact and then don't want to take it any further ? How will you feel if she decides not to have contact with you?

You might gain a sister but you might not and you could damage your relationship with your family in the process.

I feel for you as only you can decide. Maybe it would be worth explaining to your mother and sister how you feel and see if you can do this in a way that they can tolerate. If not and you still want to go ahead, you need to accept that it will have consequences for all of you.

Like I said before, it's just so unfair that you're all in this position.

I'm sorry but this is ridiculous OP can discuss what she likes with her half sister
As long as it wasn't all her sisters personal info or confidentiality. This is how it works in ANY family people may say how is X how old are they now. This thread is very bitter tbh.

Why is the half sibling some sort of out cast?

My mother has said it will destroy her if I make contact

I feel for her. She bears no responsibility for this young woman, yet somehow she's expected to come face to face with the reminder... the proof of her husband'sinfidelity, and criticised for not feeling able to do so.

It's so easy to say that she should be the better person, or to care about this young woman's feelings. But it must be so much more easily said than done. There is absolutely nothing for her in this other than distress. No part of this girl that is hers, and an upsetting reminder if her now dead husband and his lack of decency.

There's nothing about this situation that is easy for anyone.

What a tricky position to be in OP, so sorry.

I think you will be forever on tender hooks if you make contact secretly. If I were you, I would work on trying to get your mother and sister to understand and accept that you want to make contact, but that you will put boundaries in place so that they can remain no contact if they wish. I am sure you have other relationships with people who have never met your mother or sister. This is slightly more complicated granted, but you can make it work. I think an open and honest discussion, including that you don't want the threat of losing them to be factor as it does not need to be that way. I would ask your mother why she would be devastated and see how you might alleviate her feelings. If you do have contact with your half-sibling it is not because you condone the affair or love your mother any less. She will not lose you over it, unless she chooses too.

I can understand why your mum and sister feel the way they do, but it is not your half-sibling's fault and they have no right to dictate how you should feel and react. This is down to your late father and your half sibling's mother (if she even knew he was married). Your sister's reaction might be influenced by your mother and it could well be that over time, she feels differently. It is certainly not for your mother to declare that you half-sibling has 'nothing to do with us'. She is your and your sister's flesh and blood whether your mother likes it or not. How would your mother feel is she were the half-sibling?

Your mother and sister might need some time to come to come to terms with you making contact. If they say they will punish you for having contact, even though you would put boundaries in place, I think that would be incredibly selfish, unreasonable and unfair. But sadly, you will then have to choose.

Good luck!

Tread carefully with this. I had a half sister that no one in the family knew of, turn up out of the blue. Our dad hasn't been involved in any of his children's lives, however our grandparents (his parents) & rest of his family have always been a full part of our lives (myself, brother, sister & half brother from another mother).

My other three siblings had no interest in her but I did. We were both in our 20s (me late & her early 20s). I fully embraced her and her two children, but she unfortunately made my life hell! She was jealous that we had a very close relationship with our dad's side of family and was upset at her being a secret all these years, that no one even heard of her mum (while the other two mothers were also close with the family) and he'd only seen her once when she was a baby to get a DNA test done. I honestly felt sorry for her and opened my home to her & kids but she'd pick fights with me, stole from me, her kids constantly broke items and she treated me horribly. It was such a terrible experience I made the decision to not have anything to do with anymore secret children of his that may come out of the woodwork in future.

On the other hand I have a friend who connected with a half sibling and they're extremely close, go away together etc so it can go either way. I say just take it slowly and don't rush things while getting to know each other. I hope you have a better experience than I did. All the best.

Just remember Pandora's box.... be very sure before you make contact. I am in a similar position but that of your younger sister. I've chosen not to pursue contact because you just don't know what or who is out there. Good Luck with whatever choice you make.

Sorry, it may sound completely off topic. I read it on the Reddit forum some time ago.
Do you think your half sister and her mother (OW) may be after your dad’s inheritance? They may want an equal share between the siblings and ask for DNA test.