Should I contact my half sister and how?

[Sockmate123]

I found out I had a half sister 12 years ago. She was a child at the time. I was expecting my first baby. She was the result of an affair my Dad had.
He had little contact with her other than sending money sporadically.
My Dad died 2 years ago. About 6 months after he died my mum received a letter from a solicitor saying my half sister would like to make contact with myself and my sister.
Sister and Mum were horrified and said absolutely not etc, didn't reply to the letter and destroyed it.
I have been thinking alot over the last couple of years I would like to open some kind of contact.
I wondered would a solicitor act as an intermediary for me to send a letter. I dont want to give her my phone number or address at this point. I would also have to do this behind my Mums back which I don't like doing but I think it's unfair she effectively made this decision for me.

This is exactly how I feel. You said it much better than I tried to.

No one is asking the mother to solve the problem or pick up any pieces.

But she should not be trying to manipulate her daughter or trying to stand in the way of the daughter meeting her half sibling.

Again, I hope I'd manage it better. But if OP meets this person, her mum runs a very high risk of the trauma she's hidden for so long, becoming public knowledge. She loses all control of the information, which is a scary place to be, and she might also end up finding herself under more pressure to meet this girl that her daughter has befriended.

I'm not excusing her stance, exactly, but I do have empathy and sympathy for her. She's just had a grenade thrown into her carefully curated life. And it's down to her husband who made a whole series of selfish decisions.

I think it's understandable that your mother is against making contact, OP. However I completely disagree with her position regarding you making contact. Her manipulation is a form of abuse. She should be able to see that you have a very different take on this and to respect you if you want to make contact. It won't hurt her in any direct way since I presume you won't be inviting her to meet your mother, or your sister, come to that.

The best way forward would be to explain your interest to your mother and sister, say you are going ahead and it won't affect them. However, in practice, I understand you may feel unable to do this. And while you know the likely outcome of defying your mother, you don't actually have any sense of what might come from the contact.

In a similar situation, I'd go with what felt right to me - there isn't an actual 'right" answer.

She hasn't just had a grenade thrown into her life, The OP has known for 12 years, it sounds like the mother suspected even before that, and it was 2 years ago that the she received the letter. The mother has had time and space to try to come to terms with this.

I had empathy for my own mother when I found out about my half sister, but having empathy doesn't mean you have to go along with their wishes, I personally think keeping secrets like that and being unwilling to rock the boat is deeply unhealthy anyway.

She might be at risk of trauma, but I would imagine the other daughter has already suffered trauma and will suffer more along the way also as a result of the dads actions.

its a very difficult situation, but I do feel for the mum , my ex abandoned me and dd1 for his new partner and they have a child . Dd 1 doesn’t know about the child’s existence and I would personally find it very difficult if she contacted dd 1

And as so often happens, the wife has to carry the can for her useless, feckless, adulterous husband's actions.

This is a shitty situation for everyone who he's left behind, sadly.

I don't think anyone is expecting her to carry the can though. You're really trying to make a martyr out of her, "carry the can, pick up the pieces, solve the problem".....

The past is the past and can't be changed. The husband caused a lot of hurt and pain. The mother doesn't have to do anything, she just needs to let the other involved parties make their own minds up and do what's best for them. And the mother needs to deal with her own feelings on the matter instead of pushing them onto her daughter.

The mother might be hurt by this, but the half sibling could find some healing, the OP no doubt has her own feelings over this which she possible hasn't fully delved into yet because she doesn't think she's allowed to. The OP has now come to a point where she seems to really want or need this. It's a shitty situation, but that doesn't mean that some positives can't come from it, the OP and the half sister could go on to have a beautiful relationship!

I'm the half sister in the same (sort of) situation but with the difference that I'm very, very certain that his wife and children don't know I exist. I've met him once and it was not a happy encounter.

I made the decision long ago that I will never contact them. Me and my half siblings are all 60+ and as well as not wanting to chuck a wholly undeserved bomb into their lives (and his wifes, if she is still alive) I have nothing to gain from contact with a couple of total strangers with whom I have nothing in common other than some shared DNA.

The possible difference with your situation is that I had an adoptive Dad and have a brother and sister who I love very much. Total guesswork but if this young woman still lives with her mother/grandparents, she may not have had a father figure and/or other siblings. As such her expectations may be quite high and whatever you decide to do, please bear that in mind, for her sake as well as your own.

I don't think your mother or sister can or should make this decision on your behalf but if you do go ahead, their feelings ought to be considered and their privacy respected.

It's a difficult one, with lots of innocent parties with conflicting needs and wishes and I can only wish you the best.

Yes I would contact her. She may well simply be wanting some information - about your Dad and what sort of person he was, about her genetic inheritance, about your Dad's family background, where they came from etc. Her mother may well not have told her very much atall abut your Dad, given the circumstances. You can't underestimate the need for people to know their heritage.

I have an older half sibling from an affair, though it was my mother's. The child was adopted out but as an adult made contact with mum, who met her once but made her promise not to tell any of us other children. In the end I found out about her existence through someone else - it was quite a shock of course. I told Mum I knew (who reacted very badly but eventually calmed down) then tracked my half sibling down. She was so grateful. (I did also tell my other siblings, though none of them were interested in meeting her).

Having said that, we are not friends. I liked her but we are very different in terms of our lives and values and have nothing in common to base a relationship on. But I am glad I was able to meet her (we look alike and she said other than her own kids it's the first time in her life she'd ever seen someone she looks like and knows she's related to. I was able to tell her more about our mum's background, show her photo's of Mum and us kids when young and basically fill in some of the gaps for her. I know she really appreciated me getting in touch.

Your mother does not have the right to hold you hostage like this. I'd take the risk and explain to your half sister why you don't want her to contact your other sister, because of your mum's reaction. Hopefully she'd respect your wishes.

@Uricon2
I don't think your mother or sister can or should make this decision on your behalf but if you do go ahead, their feelings ought to be considered and their privacy respected.

It sounds like she has been considering their feelings and that she has been considering their feelings for a long time. It sounds like it's the OPs who haven't been considered, so I really think it's unnecessary to tell the OP to consider their feelings.
Agree about respecting their privacy though.

Thanks everyone.

My Mum is a good person, she hasn't had the easiest of lives but hasn't had the worst either. She would be someone who would stay in a state of being a victim....not just with this but other areas of her life.

When I found out about half sister, I told her to leave my Dad, she said she couldn't as he had nowhere else to go. Financially things weren't great for them at the time. I think she really doesn't want her large family or his finding out even though almost all are seperated/divorced.

Just to give an example when my child was diagnosed with Dyspraxia she told me not to tell the school and that 'no one needs to know about it' as they would 'look at her differently'.

She still never refers to her like that or tell anyone herself. I obviously told the school and am open with anyone really about it. It doesn't define her but at the same time she does require a little extra support with some things..going off track but just to give an insight to how she is.

One final point, someone said about wanting to know family history. In the letter it stated she had a condition and wanted to know if a family history of same. I felt we at a minimum owed her that information and I think its so shitty that my mother and sister wouldn't even agree to a one off reply to answer that query.

I should add that My mum and sister can be very secretive and for all I know could have sent a letter unknown to me. My sister says she doesn't want any contact but tbh as previously stated is a compulsive liar.

OP, this is really tricky (stating the obvious, I know).

The main thing I'd say is to think through -

• what you want from meeting. What you hope for for now, and for the future
• what happens if you don't get on (emotions - disappointment? regret? nothing?)
• what happens if you do (how will you keep her secret? what will happen if your mother / sister do find out, how will you handle the fallout? In practical terms as well as emotional).
• How will you handle if it your half-sister's expectations / wishes differ from yours?

One idea I had was to hire a PI to get a background check first. I think this is actually a good idea.

It can hurt a lot if your long-lost family turn out either to not want to know, or to be something of a nightmare. Believe me when I say this glumly. On the other hand if you do click, she could add immensely to your life (also from experience, from a different direction).

It might be a very good idea to make contact with an adoption agency to ask if there are any sources of professional support. An hour talking this through with someone experienced in these situations might help you handle whatever comes a great deal.

I think if she wanted money she would had made a decisive move during all this time and not an approach.

I don't really have any advice but one thing you need to bare in mind is that door may be definitely closed for you after a year and a half of silence on your side.

Thanks for such a detailed reply. Its making it easier to navigate getting others opinions who are not involved even though about 50/50 on whether I should contact or not.

In terms of what I want from meeting, I don't even want to meet yet, also logistically she lives quite far away, it was more to send a letter outlining medical information and to say I'm sorry I haven't been able to make contact but wish her well. If she would like to make contact she could through an email or PO Box or even through a Solicitor if that's what I decide.

Meeting up wouldn't be something I wanted in the near future but possibly down the line... I would see how letter was received. As someone else said she may not want anything now after such a time lapse or she may think we never even received the letter, moved house for eg. The letter was just normal post, not registered so she possibly thinks this too.

She might not want any more contact, but I think there's a good chance she might. If there's one thing Ive learned in life, people react very differently to grief and to discovering lost family; but many of us with half-siblings or parents who are unknown feel some sort of itch.

A letter with medical information and a calm but cautiously friendly, and possibly a pragmatic note, might be best?

"Dear Sarah

Many years ago you contacted my family. At that point my mother made a decision for us all, which is perhaps not quite the decision I'd have made.

[If you want to, some generic or more detailed personal info, such as the area you work in and kids/no kids etc]

I thought that you may wish to know a few medical details [ outline a few ]

If you would like any more details then I can be contacted at PO Box 4.

I wish you well

Sockmate"

Mind you, if you do decide to contact her you'll find your own way of putting it! :)

Good luck, Sock.

In an ideal world you should be able to contact your half sister and have your family readily accept that. However this isn’t an ideal world and your situation is what it is. You’re absolutely free to do what you want to do, but you need to bear in mind the possible repercussions. Whatever the right and wrongs and the should and should nots, is it worth introducing stress into your life and damaging your relationships with your family members? Bearing in mind that your half sister is an unknown quantity - contacting could go well, or equally it could go horribly.

Unfortunately stress and damaged relationships are the almost guaranteed outcome of this. Only you can decide if that’s something you want to do, and are prepared for.

Personally I wouldn’t - I would consider my mother to me more important to me. Blood ties alone, an accident of birth, can mean as much or as little as you want them to. It’s very individual though, and you making a different choice wouldn’t be any more wrong or right imo.

I've known people who have met up with half siblings they found through DNA and one who found a half sister by more conventional means pre DNA. Sometimes they become friends, sometimes not. For the person initiating the approach it's someone who looks like them, the opportunity to answer when a doctor asks about family history, maybe a photograph or two of the parent and a few stories. Sometimes (often?) the shared parent was not a good parent to the children brought up with them and maybe that is easier to take. I've never heard of anyone who thought they'd get an inheritance.

Your half sister doesnt share an upbringing with you so you have none of the shared memories that hold relationships together. That doesnt mean you might not find shared interests from here on.

Danceswithducks made a good letter but you ought to mention your other sister agreed with that and doesnt want contact.

Your father treated this child shabbily. You have an opportunity to slightly make up for that. I understand your mother does not want a reminder of the affair but she does not have to know. At the least your family owe her the medical details she asked for.

I am in a similar situation to your half sister. I grew up not knowing my dad or his older children from his marriage. I have never met any of his family. He died when I was young and his other family refused all contact. As an adult I’ve made contact with my half siblings because I have no family, my mum died too and I know no blood relatives beyond my own children. I would love to hear about my dad and his parents from those who remember him as a father and then as grandparents.

My half sisters have never even acknowledged my messages and I can see they have read them. It hurts that they won’t even make written contact and share info about our dad. It hurts that they are utterly uninterested in me. I accept it’s their choice and there is nothing I can do to force the issue. It feels to be a missed opportunity to make a human connection which may be momentary or lifelong but we will never know. I don’t understand why they won’t even see who I am.

You are in a difficult position but I really feel for your sister who didn’t have the privilege of knowing her dad when you did and she might just want to hear a bit what he was like. I kind of think she deserves to hear a bit about him.

I am the secret child in my case op. I am contemplating contacting my half brother but am nervous of doing so. I have faced rejection twice from my birth mother but I have accepted it. I was told not to tell her children who are her "real" children. When I say children, we are all late middle age!

I waited until my adoptive parents died before attempting contact. Her reason for not wanting any contact was that her other children would lose respect for her.

I totally understand your need to know and your mum should not deprive you of this. But you have to balance this against the sense of betrayal she will feel. Feelings of betrayal and disloyalty by those closest to you are very hard to take. But neither you nor your half sister have done anything wrong and it is wrong of your mum to deprive you of one another.

I have to caution you though, because you have a lack of shared history it is often very hard to forge a relationship. Others may have had success, but it really does matter. Also ask yourself what you want from this.

Having read your updates, my view has slightly changed. I think the kind of postal contact that you're thinking of, depth the medical information that she'd asked for, is fine. I also after with the poster who said that you should make it clear that your mum and sister feel differently about contract and that you and she need to respect that.

@anyolddinosaur makes a really good point that your other sister agrees with your mother's stance.

@CrikeyDozes heartfelt sympathy. It's easier if you have a big, decent extended family of your own maybe but when you haven't, it's a constant hurt that your blood rejects you. The older I get the more I have come to believe that the blood link is extremely powerful. It certainly isn't everything (the mother of my heart that I still miss was my adopted mother) - but there is a click with my half-sisters that I found eventually that I'm convinced is the blood-thing.

I'm the mum here.

When I found out my kids had a younger half sibling, I can't say I was happy. I asked my kids (teens) to be respectful to me and try to have contact in "home" territory, and not spend time with the OW.

I felt that was a kind, reasonable compromise. None of this was any of the kids' fault.

For info, no long term relationship was formed, they just didn't get on. So that ended that. But at least we all knew.

@Qwaszx , that’s similar to my situation, if my eldest ever finds out my ex has another child , I genuinely want nothing to do with them or ow.

So you haven't told your own child they have a sibling?