Should I contact my half sister and how?

[Sockmate123]

I found out I had a half sister 12 years ago. She was a child at the time. I was expecting my first baby. She was the result of an affair my Dad had.
He had little contact with her other than sending money sporadically.
My Dad died 2 years ago. About 6 months after he died my mum received a letter from a solicitor saying my half sister would like to make contact with myself and my sister.
Sister and Mum were horrified and said absolutely not etc, didn't reply to the letter and destroyed it.
I have been thinking alot over the last couple of years I would like to open some kind of contact.
I wondered would a solicitor act as an intermediary for me to send a letter. I dont want to give her my phone number or address at this point. I would also have to do this behind my Mums back which I don't like doing but I think it's unfair she effectively made this decision for me.

I'm also in a similar situation to your half sister although someone in the family reached out to me, which was really lovely as I am the outsider. We are in contact but I very much keep them all at arms length and on my terms, actually as they all seem to do likewise. I think they've had enough issues between each other than to get too entangled in another sibling. It suits me, we remain friends at a distance and it isn't hard to maintain this boundary. In five years I've only met them a couple of times but have become a little closer.

This is such an odd thread!! You say there’s nothing in this for the OP’s mother. Well if she were a nice, selfless mother she’d want her daughter to be able to have a relationship with her half sibling? At the moment she’s denying her daughter that and it’s incredibly selfish.

Why does the mother have to be the one to be unselfish? How about the OP being unselfish, recognising the distress that this letter has caused her mother, and leaving well alone?

The accute distress of the woman who was cheated on is, I'd suggest, much more important than the disappointment that her daughter will feel in not contacting this half sister.

Your mum and sister have every right not to have contact if they don't want it - but they don't have the right to make your decisions for you.

Using a PO Box sounds like a good solution. You're entitled to be curious and find out more, maybe at a later date you can tell them you've been in touch but you're entitled to speak to anyone you wish without involving other people.

Sorry, posted too soon - you do need to respect your full sister's privacy as well, and not discuss her or her family.

Awww for goodness sake been here had a half sister from dad's first marriage she contacted when she was 16 looking for me at the time I didn't want to so I let it lie for a while then one day I thought it's not her fault and maybe she is lonely,maybe she just wants to chat and see family. So I wrote and used an email I made and 5 years on not only is she a best friend and now knows my other siblings and is part of the family but she has also said all she wanted was some peace of mind at the time to meet and say hi basically. But I didn't keep anything secret I made my parents and siblings aware she contacted and that I was thinking about it. If the others had chosen no contact then I would have respected here views but as an adult I make my own decisions. Good luck I hope it goes well

Thanks for all the replies on this. It's interesting to read all the opinions. They differ so much and I agree with all of them tbh and this is why I am so conflicted! They are all valid points.

Few things to note, My Mum and sister love keeping secrets and lying or bending the truth frequently. I am a very open and honest person and this keeping her a secret for 12 years goes against my grain. My sister in particular lies about everything and I don't mean big things like this....it could be where she did her food shop or where she bought something or other small insignificant things. She seems to kept a thrill out of keeping secrets. I have no idea why. It baffles me. If you call her out on it she adds another lie or says she 'forgot' details etc

My Mum is controlling in a passive way. I believe she shouldn't have destroyed the letter as it wasn't her decision to make. With that said I absolutely don't want to hurt her because like someone said its obviously incredibly painful for her.

With regards to nieces and nephews, we both have children-not just my sister. I am also keeping this from them which doesn't sit well with me.

My half sister is 23. She has no siblings and her Grandad who she lived with (with her mum and Nan) died recently so I feel for her. I know this from her mum's SM account. Strangely I have not been able to find hers.

My Mum has made comments that they could be 'dangerous people'. I think she is just saying this to further put me off making contact. One idea I had was to hire a PI to get a background check first. As someone said re money yes they may be coming for inheritance even though apparently she has no claim as Dad left everything to Mum (this was checked with a Solicitor).

My Mum will shut down if I try to broach this with her and would see it as a betrayal. It is an awful situation to be in and I'm not expecting anyone on here to solve the problem as its so complex but thank you for all the replies and the respect you have shown me and everyone involved x

Yes, this is my line of thinking. This has nothing to do with my Mam but she's trying to control it. Myself and my sister are in our 40's!

I suppose the difference in your case is that your half sister was from your Dad's first marriage. This girl is a result of an affair and was kept secret for 11 years.... my Dad didn't have any contact with her from age 7 or 8....

My half sister is 23. She has no siblings and her Grandad who she lived with (with her mum and Nan) died recently so I feel for her. I know this from her mum's SM account. Strangely I have not been able to find hers

I don't understand. How come your mum has information about her on her SM account?

How many years ago was the affair? OPs mother perhaps need to seek a therapist not project her own negativity onto her own daughters who are 40 odd. FGS

The mum doesn't need to be unselfish. This young woman is a reminder for her of an affair. Why should she want contact?

OP can see the half sister. That's her right. But her mum and sister? Their feelings are entirely valid.

Reads to me like OP is looking at half-sister's mother's social media.

The mothers distress is definitely not more important than the distress of the daughter of this man.

I had an older half sister who made contact too.
There was still a betrayal to my mother as she wasn't aware my dad had a daughter and didn't find out for years, however I believe once she found out that she was complicit in harming the daughter. Kids feelings should always be put before the adults.

We met and a relationship didn't work out but I'm glad we met so that at least we know.

Fair, but it shouldn't be on OP's mother to manage the young woman's distress by agreeing to contact.

It's not something the mother has to agree on though.
She's told the OP that it would destroy her if she makes contact, so she's very much trying to actively stop her. Saying it will destroy her is highly manipulative, even if it's not intentional, it still has the same effect.

From my half sisters mums account, not mine. She has it semi public

23 years ago!

That's how I am feeling that my Mum is being manipulative and controlling even if not intentional. She shouldn't have any input in this at all really.
None of my Dad's family know about half sister so I think she doesn't want them finding out either. I hate that I am bring prevented from even 'arms length contact'

I found my half sister 2 years ago and we have a fab relationship! We are both excited to have a sister (both of us have brothers but no other sisters). She lives overseas and I’m going for a second visit later this year. My situation is a bit different as I was given up for adoption and she was born after my birth mother had married. She didn’t know about me. I’m so happy to have been a welcome surprise to her!

@Sockmate123 ahhh so there's more to the story then! Still I stand on my opinion... your mum should not be dictating her adult children's life. After 23 years too I think its shocking of your mother!

Yes I think sometimes people just don't want the secrets to come out because they might feel a bit of shame or embarrassment and it's not to do with genuinely feeling destroyed.
And I think people really need to grow up in that regard because the feelings of other people are more important.

Your half sister could massively benefit from getting to know you and/or some other members of your dads family, and I think she's the most important one in all of this.

That doesn't mean that you specifically have to try to form a relationship with her but I just think it's awful when people actively try to keep human beings a secret from the rest of the family.

Your half sister did not ask to be born from an affair. Your dad has had pretty much zero input into her life, her mum has just died too.

Honestly, I think it's really shitty of your mum to be preventing contact because she is ashamed that your dad cheated on her over 2 decades ago and doesn't want people to know.

That is her shame talking, and probably guilt for no doubt encouraging your dad to abandon the girl, this is nothing about your half sister herself.

I'd make contact, and I wouldn't hide it either. Your mum and sister need to address their own issues with it. You are in your 40s, you cannot be beholden to others in this way when there is no valid reason to do so.

Put at it's simplest, this girl is not OP's mother's problem to solve.

That doesn't mean that I don't feel for the half sister. It must be really hard for her to know she had half sisters, and to really want to know her history, her genetics, everything else.
But it was the dad who's to blame here. And in his absence, the woman he cheated on is supposed to pick up the pieces? And is getting slated on here because she simply can't face it, and having everything she's tried to put away, come to light?

I hope that in her place I'd cope with this better. But I can totally imagine someone simply not being able to.

Her Mum didn't die. Her Grandad did. She lives with her Mum and Nan.
Really valid points. My parents had a really odd marriage, lots of layers. She 'suspected' he had a child and affair but never acted on it and it was me who discovered it accidentally after 12 years!