Is this abuse? I feel it is but I keep blaming/questioning myself

[chrislt]

• Cheated on his 3 year long girlfriend with his ex - he was drunk
• Cheated on his 3 year long girlfriend with me, for 5 months
• Pursued me knowing I was in a long term relationship
• Ghosted me for a month and came back with no explanation or apology
• Lied about his ex being pregnant with a new boyfriend
• Told me he doesn’t kiss me outside of intimacy because he is still in love with his ex (after we had been dating for 6 months)
• Asked me how to say certain phrases in spanish (so he could flirt with the girl he met in Barcelona - he didnt know I knew)
• Lied about meeting the girl in Barcelona - told me I was crazy in the face of evidence
• On my way to his house he would tell me he wasn’t well and preferred to be alone
• Discussed going on holidays together to the point of looking at flights and hotels, only to cancel or change his mind for one reason or another
• Withheld sex/intimacy - sometimes arousing me only to change his mind after
• Some days or weeks he would be very distant and not make any plans with me, then called me insecure and needy for asking why or feeling upset
• Very rarely included me with his friends
• Told me he would like to go places e.g. natural history museum one day, but always cancelling / being ‘too busy’ to plan anything
• When we ordered takeaway, he would ask what I wanted, then order the opposite
• Used the word ‘I’ a lot - even when we did things together, when he spoke about it with others he said ‘I’
• Accused me of sleeping with a co-worker when he was away
• Ghosted me for the week he was away until the last day, then got angry when I didn’t answer his call the first time, telling me to ‘not bother chatting to him when he’s back’
• Accused me of being obsessed with him and ‘baby-trapping’ him when I fell pregnant and kept the baby
• Accused me of being a golddigger because I threatened to go through the CMS for child support
• Blocked me for a week because he accidentally found out the gender of the baby through another person
• Blocked me because I screenshotted his message where he threatened to fiddle books so he doesn’t have to pay CMS
• Ignored me but in front of mutual friends asked to feel my belly and ask how baby is
• Argued with me for messaging the girl in Barcelona over text, but then in person in front of mutual friends put his arm around me asking how my weekend was
• Shouted at me through the phone the day before the 12 week scan, telling me that I have ruined his chances of being with his ex, and our baby should have been his and hers
• Was taking medication for herpes and never told me (I found the meds)
• Lied about meeting up with a female friend - accused me of being jealous
• Pretended to be asleep when I was up crying all night after an argument
• I took the morning off work because I was up all night crying - he called me to ask when I was coming in because he needed me to do something for him at work. Didn’t even ask how I was feeling
• When he told me to ‘pack my shit and go’ after he gaslighted me about the girl in Barcelona, I did, and minutes later he was kissing me, being intimate with me telling me that he ‘doesn’t want to fight anymore’
• Switched off the light and rolled over to sleep when I was in the middle of talking to him after an argument. Had to see myself out in the dark
• Walked out of the room when I was telling him how I felt about our situation and why I was confused. He told me he had to feed his dog, and whilst feeding her was laughing with his friends. Came back after 4 minutes and asked me ‘what were we talking about again’
• Invited me to his house to plan the baby shower and attend the scan - I stayed the night and he was spooning and cuddling me, however ‘doesn’t like me’
• Many times he would fully turn away from me when watching TV or be on his phone all evening
• Told me he would call or text and sometimes didn’t bother, unless I texted him he replied
• Met up with his ex numerous times behind my back - one time telling me a sob story about how her daughter was rushed to A&E and he was so concerned for her, so had to be there
• Would sit next to other girls on the green or at lunchtimes, away from me as if he didn’t know me (when we were seeing each other) - told me I don’t own him & am not entitled to him when I asked why he did that, or telling him it upset me
• Accused me of playing dumb often, when I genuinely didn’t know information - telling me he doesn’t trust me
• Accused me of being loose because I had condoms in my bag
• Got jealous of me dating people when he was still with his ex girlfriend at the time
• Rarely, if ever backed me in front of others
• When I was dating and complained that the guy never bothered to ask about me or get to know me, my culture etc, he took me for lunch and all he did was ask questions about me and my culture. That was the only time he bothered.
• Sometimes he would literally ignore / not reply to anything I said. Small things like what I was doing that day etc.
• He would ask me if I was busy later, or what my plans were as if he wanted to see me, and then go out with his friends instead
• Last minute plans. Anything more than a day in advance he would ‘let me know’ because he is a ‘spontaneous person’, yet planned with his friends in advance
• Stated that we are exclusively seeing each other, but only after someone else in the office took a liking to me
• Ghosted me for a month and came back when new boy (childhood friend) joined the office
• Had work people (mutual friends) round his house for an after-party and didn’t mention it to me when I asked what he was up to that night
• Insisting on picking me up after I had a night out
• Offered to give me lifts to or from the airport when I went away, but always found a last minute reason to cancel
• Sometimes would ask for sexual favours but rarely returned them, unless he was in his ‘hot’ phase with me. When I mentioned this he told me that I shouldn’t give to receive or that if he doesn’t do it often, it will make me appreciate it more
• Asked me why I rarely initiate sex, I told him because of my fear of rejection and things that happened in my past. He encouraged me to initiate, but then rejected me many times
• Would tell me he isn’t feeling well and would sleep whilst I was at his, yet he was okay to carry on normally with everyone else
• Telling me I should get some sleep, or take a shower or do this or that, so he could sit and text women in peace (confirmed that he was texting others by them telling me and dates/times matching up)
• Never showed me or tagged me on social media
• Never took pictures with me, even in group settings
• Used to post on social media about how he enjoys spending time alone and posting other things to hint that he is single
• Would tell me why my idea wasn’t great or wouldn’t work, then repeat it to others as if it was his
• Upon telling his family I was pregnant, he didn’t mention to them that we even dated. Told them I was just someone from the office
• When asked why he cheated on his ex with me, he said ‘because you’re hot’ and it’s a ‘fun secret’
• First thing he said was that he didn’t want her to find out about his cheating because she would leave him - not necessarily how it would make her feel
• Doing house viewings with his ex and her kids whilst cheating with me
• Talks to me in a degrading manner then refuses to apologise because if I didn’t make him mad, then he ‘wouldn’t have to speak to me like that’
• Followed me to the car park after I wasn’t backing down from leaving him after he went behind my back. Told me that because of me and my actions now he has to deal with his anger, and it’s my fault
• Not replying to my compliments of him
• When I told him I felt like kissing him, after we had been seeing each other for months and me staying at his 5 days at a time, he said “that’s nice” and didn’t welcome my kiss
• Told me he didn’t need to tell me what he likes about me because ‘he shouldn’t need to reassure me’
• Told me he doesn’t need to make me feel special because ‘I’m not his girl’, yet he expected loyalty from me
• I cooked him dinners when he was sick and he would eat some and throw away the rest because he ‘didn’t fancy it’
• Promised to take me to try Filipino food, then decided against it. Spent over an hour trying to decide what he wanted to eat knowing I was starving and newly pregnant
• Agreed a time to discuss something important to me, after an argument, then cancelled just before (happened often) - rescheduled for a week or two later or just having the conversation via text
• Criticising me for being an unfit parent for going on antidepressants whilst pregnant, despite having had a mental breakdown and following doctor's recommendations
• Told me he would be there for me and do anything he can to help me through my mental breakdown, including a holiday, acupuncture, exercising together, anything I needed to ‘climb this mountain together’ - then never followed up
• Flirting with co-workers in front of me
• Acted surprised when our mutual friends asked why they weren’t invited to the baby shower - said to them ‘oh, Christie didn’t invite you? I thought she would have’, knowing full well that we both agreed we wouldn’t invite colleagues due to numbers
• Telling me that if baby is born with any kind of disability like autism, it’s my fault or my side of the family, not from his side
• Insistent that I will breastfeed, doesn’t accept that I may not be able to
• Cannot give me a straight answer as to whether he will be at the birth or not
• Ignored me in person when I was asking him about why he behaved in a certain way towards me. Sat in silence as if I wasn’t there
• Told me not to talk about anything with our mutual friends - talk to my friends at home instead
• Would question me on what the girls know about our situation and imply that he wasn’t happy with me
• Tried to start an argument with me about apparently ‘playing dumb’. I felt too upset to go out with my friends - ended up staying the night with him instead after he told me he rented my favourite film and made me feel bad for planning on going out with them
• Told me the boys had an issue with me being round there so much so we need to cut down seeing each other - clearly didn’t stick up for me but still carried on inviting me over
• He felt I was putting too much pressure on him because I said I didn’t like the last minute plans, so he threatened to leave. When I agreed it’s for the best, he blew up my phone, work phone and demanded that we sort it out because he wanted to chat to me over the weekend and see me. I always gave him the time. Eventually he began ignoring me for full weekends at a time when he was upset with something I said or did.
• Told me he had a thing for mixed-race girls multiple times, and would always like mixed-race girls photos (I am white)
• Ended up chilling with him and the boys on the sofa most nights, even though I told him I wanted to spend some time just us two
• He used to get up and go to bed without saying anything, leaving me on the sofa with the boys. Then text me saying ‘come to bed/let’s go to sleep’. Felt like I was following him like a lost puppy
• Towards the end he would walk steps ahead of me, or very fast so I struggled to keep pace. Also crossed roads randomly without alerting me that he wanted to cross, so I would end up stuck on the other side of the road
• Never introduced me to his female friends, only a couple of very close male friends
• His family never knew about me until I fell pregnant, even after a year of being involved - even video calling his family sat next to me, I stayed quiet
• At the beginning I went for lunch with a friend, he was in the same restaurant with our colleagues. He paid for my meal as a surprise, in front of our colleagues. Never surprised me in private
• Would tell our colleagues/ mutual friends how much he likes me and cares about me, but never told me to my face
• Whenever I doubted his commitment, he would simply say ‘I am into you’, but couldn’t tell me why and anything further - either ‘had to go’ or changed the subject
• Was only ever complimentative of my looks, and usually during sex mostly
• When I came over he stopped greeting me, sometimes didn’t even look at me just said ‘hello’
• Would sometimes remove his whatsapp profile picture if we were arguing and would keep it removed until we made up
• Never apologised off his own back. Only apologised to me when I asked him to or when I would be upset towards him/ not give him attention after he had upset me
• Apologies were never genuine - sorry if, sorry but, and always quite vague
• When he met my parents, he paid for the whole meal secretly and was cracking lots of personal jokes with me, although he avoided me/ ignored me days before at our christmas party
• Bought my parents some expensive biltong for no reason after they met
• Asked me if I was ‘actually going to eat all of that’ when we ordered desserts and I was enjoying a waffle
• Told me that just because he shows me no empathy or care it doesn’t make him a narcissist (he apparently only has empathy for friends and family)
• Told me to stop expecting anything thoughtful or respectful from him so then I stop getting upset

Come on now. You know the answer to this. If your brain is so fried by being with this man that is the biggest signal you can receive that things are really not right.

Our mutual friends and everyone else thinks he's great, some of them know how he has treated me and just puts it down to us 'not being compatible'. Surely this is more than a case of not being compatible...I can't stop questioning myself if it's me being too sensitive. But at the same time when I read this I know it's not right

I didn't read any further than No 2.

This guy is a waste of your time.

Take a deep breath, block, flush. delete,

You'll feel 100x better.

And you’re still with him ?
read through that very extensive list and ask yourself if this prince amongst men is worth your time

This is a toxic relationship. Are you still "together ". You have to let him go. Have you thought of getting some therapy?.

Our mutual friends and everyone else thinks he's great, some of them know how he has treated me and just puts it down to us 'not being compatible

They probably don’t know about this list. If they do, and still think he’s great, they’re the ones with a problem, not you.

I also didn’t get past the first few without massive red flags and the phrase WTF going round my head.

He sounds an absolute horror. Please please get away from him . You are worth a million times better than this shit. He will destroy any esteem, self respect, confidence and rob you of a decent life, if he hasn’t already achieved that. Run and don’t look back

He's an abusive arsehole.

This ^ nails it.

Well some of it might qualify as abuse (the herpes meds, for example) but why are you looking for labels for this behaviour? He doesn't respect you. He doesn't care for you. He lies to you. What more do you need in order to make you walk away from this shit bag?
Ignore what other people say. Get a good friend to help you and get away from him. If there's no one who will listen to you then you need help from an agency. Hopefully MN can point you in the right direction. But leave him and don't look back!

Not sure - couldn't read all the enormous list but is an unhealthy toxic relationship and he doesn't seem to care about you or prioritise you at all.

I am in therapy, on medication and we are not together. He ended our 'situationship' when I fell pregnant. Im due our baby in 5 weeks time - he wants involvement apparently. I am just processing it all and it's tough

A big lesson about not ignoring red flags from the start - you knew he was a lying serial cheat when you met him so should have run a mile.

Surely you don’t need anyone else to tell you he’s a vile abusive controlling cheating lying manipulative cunt? He’s showing you loud and clear who he is

Toxic relationship. Total dickhead.

Leave. Work on self-esteem. Set a higher bar for the next relationship.

If you're friends think he's 'great' either they don't know the full story or they are simply wrong.

You’ve made that enormous list and you still need to be told? Come on. Get some self-respect and dump him.

I just read the first few points, that was enough for me to give you a LTB

I want to add that we are not together and we are in low contact (due his baby in 5 weeks) - I just find myself battling internally as to whether I was too sensitive or if maybe I ould have done something differently. He did a great job of ruining me yet no one seems to see it - it makes me question myself a lot.

tldr

Time to ask yourself why you're analysing an arsehole.

Ffs stop analysing it so much. He is an awful person.

how long were you together before you got pregnant (not including the time when you were both in other relationships!)

and of course you go through cms. You do not encourage direct contact with him.

Sincerely ask yourself: if i was in a non-abusive relationship would I feel this confused? The answer is no.

You have experienced psychological abuse. Just as physical abuse hurts your body, psychological abuse hurts your mind and your capacity to trust your own thoughts.

Look for a counsellor who specialises in abuse recovery, domestic violence or coercive control. Most counsellors are not trained in these things and can cause more harm when working with people who have experienced psychological abuse.

Also know that one of the central features of coercive control is that men will do a lot of image management to portray themselves as "good men" to other people. It is a successful way to maintain control over his partner because it keeps her isolated, confused and unable to get any help to leave.

Stop looking backwards - you’ve got a huge thing coming up which will change your life forever. This deserves your entire energy and focus. Gather together your real life support network, you will need them. Forget about this sperm donor. And whatever you do DO NOT allow him to come with you to register the birth and DO NOT put his name on the birth certificate.

He did a great job of ruining you?

Have you considered your own role in this?

Even worse that you have proceeded with the pregnancy and will inflict this man upon a child.

I can promise you that you will regret it every single day for a long time.

You have no idea!

Do not put him on the birth certificate.. No dc needs a man like him tied to them and you for decades....
Being on the bc is of zero importance to your dc right now. Keeping your mh above water does matter to your dc.
He isn't interested as difficult a that must be to accept..

I am constantly analysing my own role - the fact I stayed for so long, completely blamed myself and accepted this clearly shows I have my own issues to address but that doesn't take away from how he has treated me...

Rest assured I have put in place whats needed to protect my son

Same.

I'm sorry but you've written over 100 points about this man.

Why? Why are you giving it this much headspace?!