Is this abuse? I feel it is but I keep blaming/questioning myself

[chrislt]

• Cheated on his 3 year long girlfriend with his ex - he was drunk
• Cheated on his 3 year long girlfriend with me, for 5 months
• Pursued me knowing I was in a long term relationship
• Ghosted me for a month and came back with no explanation or apology
• Lied about his ex being pregnant with a new boyfriend
• Told me he doesn’t kiss me outside of intimacy because he is still in love with his ex (after we had been dating for 6 months)
• Asked me how to say certain phrases in spanish (so he could flirt with the girl he met in Barcelona - he didnt know I knew)
• Lied about meeting the girl in Barcelona - told me I was crazy in the face of evidence
• On my way to his house he would tell me he wasn’t well and preferred to be alone
• Discussed going on holidays together to the point of looking at flights and hotels, only to cancel or change his mind for one reason or another
• Withheld sex/intimacy - sometimes arousing me only to change his mind after
• Some days or weeks he would be very distant and not make any plans with me, then called me insecure and needy for asking why or feeling upset
• Very rarely included me with his friends
• Told me he would like to go places e.g. natural history museum one day, but always cancelling / being ‘too busy’ to plan anything
• When we ordered takeaway, he would ask what I wanted, then order the opposite
• Used the word ‘I’ a lot - even when we did things together, when he spoke about it with others he said ‘I’
• Accused me of sleeping with a co-worker when he was away
• Ghosted me for the week he was away until the last day, then got angry when I didn’t answer his call the first time, telling me to ‘not bother chatting to him when he’s back’
• Accused me of being obsessed with him and ‘baby-trapping’ him when I fell pregnant and kept the baby
• Accused me of being a golddigger because I threatened to go through the CMS for child support
• Blocked me for a week because he accidentally found out the gender of the baby through another person
• Blocked me because I screenshotted his message where he threatened to fiddle books so he doesn’t have to pay CMS
• Ignored me but in front of mutual friends asked to feel my belly and ask how baby is
• Argued with me for messaging the girl in Barcelona over text, but then in person in front of mutual friends put his arm around me asking how my weekend was
• Shouted at me through the phone the day before the 12 week scan, telling me that I have ruined his chances of being with his ex, and our baby should have been his and hers
• Was taking medication for herpes and never told me (I found the meds)
• Lied about meeting up with a female friend - accused me of being jealous
• Pretended to be asleep when I was up crying all night after an argument
• I took the morning off work because I was up all night crying - he called me to ask when I was coming in because he needed me to do something for him at work. Didn’t even ask how I was feeling
• When he told me to ‘pack my shit and go’ after he gaslighted me about the girl in Barcelona, I did, and minutes later he was kissing me, being intimate with me telling me that he ‘doesn’t want to fight anymore’
• Switched off the light and rolled over to sleep when I was in the middle of talking to him after an argument. Had to see myself out in the dark
• Walked out of the room when I was telling him how I felt about our situation and why I was confused. He told me he had to feed his dog, and whilst feeding her was laughing with his friends. Came back after 4 minutes and asked me ‘what were we talking about again’
• Invited me to his house to plan the baby shower and attend the scan - I stayed the night and he was spooning and cuddling me, however ‘doesn’t like me’
• Many times he would fully turn away from me when watching TV or be on his phone all evening
• Told me he would call or text and sometimes didn’t bother, unless I texted him he replied
• Met up with his ex numerous times behind my back - one time telling me a sob story about how her daughter was rushed to A&E and he was so concerned for her, so had to be there
• Would sit next to other girls on the green or at lunchtimes, away from me as if he didn’t know me (when we were seeing each other) - told me I don’t own him & am not entitled to him when I asked why he did that, or telling him it upset me
• Accused me of playing dumb often, when I genuinely didn’t know information - telling me he doesn’t trust me
• Accused me of being loose because I had condoms in my bag
• Got jealous of me dating people when he was still with his ex girlfriend at the time
• Rarely, if ever backed me in front of others
• When I was dating and complained that the guy never bothered to ask about me or get to know me, my culture etc, he took me for lunch and all he did was ask questions about me and my culture. That was the only time he bothered.
• Sometimes he would literally ignore / not reply to anything I said. Small things like what I was doing that day etc.
• He would ask me if I was busy later, or what my plans were as if he wanted to see me, and then go out with his friends instead
• Last minute plans. Anything more than a day in advance he would ‘let me know’ because he is a ‘spontaneous person’, yet planned with his friends in advance
• Stated that we are exclusively seeing each other, but only after someone else in the office took a liking to me
• Ghosted me for a month and came back when new boy (childhood friend) joined the office
• Had work people (mutual friends) round his house for an after-party and didn’t mention it to me when I asked what he was up to that night
• Insisting on picking me up after I had a night out
• Offered to give me lifts to or from the airport when I went away, but always found a last minute reason to cancel
• Sometimes would ask for sexual favours but rarely returned them, unless he was in his ‘hot’ phase with me. When I mentioned this he told me that I shouldn’t give to receive or that if he doesn’t do it often, it will make me appreciate it more
• Asked me why I rarely initiate sex, I told him because of my fear of rejection and things that happened in my past. He encouraged me to initiate, but then rejected me many times
• Would tell me he isn’t feeling well and would sleep whilst I was at his, yet he was okay to carry on normally with everyone else
• Telling me I should get some sleep, or take a shower or do this or that, so he could sit and text women in peace (confirmed that he was texting others by them telling me and dates/times matching up)
• Never showed me or tagged me on social media
• Never took pictures with me, even in group settings
• Used to post on social media about how he enjoys spending time alone and posting other things to hint that he is single
• Would tell me why my idea wasn’t great or wouldn’t work, then repeat it to others as if it was his
• Upon telling his family I was pregnant, he didn’t mention to them that we even dated. Told them I was just someone from the office
• When asked why he cheated on his ex with me, he said ‘because you’re hot’ and it’s a ‘fun secret’
• First thing he said was that he didn’t want her to find out about his cheating because she would leave him - not necessarily how it would make her feel
• Doing house viewings with his ex and her kids whilst cheating with me
• Talks to me in a degrading manner then refuses to apologise because if I didn’t make him mad, then he ‘wouldn’t have to speak to me like that’
• Followed me to the car park after I wasn’t backing down from leaving him after he went behind my back. Told me that because of me and my actions now he has to deal with his anger, and it’s my fault
• Not replying to my compliments of him
• When I told him I felt like kissing him, after we had been seeing each other for months and me staying at his 5 days at a time, he said “that’s nice” and didn’t welcome my kiss
• Told me he didn’t need to tell me what he likes about me because ‘he shouldn’t need to reassure me’
• Told me he doesn’t need to make me feel special because ‘I’m not his girl’, yet he expected loyalty from me
• I cooked him dinners when he was sick and he would eat some and throw away the rest because he ‘didn’t fancy it’
• Promised to take me to try Filipino food, then decided against it. Spent over an hour trying to decide what he wanted to eat knowing I was starving and newly pregnant
• Agreed a time to discuss something important to me, after an argument, then cancelled just before (happened often) - rescheduled for a week or two later or just having the conversation via text
• Criticising me for being an unfit parent for going on antidepressants whilst pregnant, despite having had a mental breakdown and following doctor's recommendations
• Told me he would be there for me and do anything he can to help me through my mental breakdown, including a holiday, acupuncture, exercising together, anything I needed to ‘climb this mountain together’ - then never followed up
• Flirting with co-workers in front of me
• Acted surprised when our mutual friends asked why they weren’t invited to the baby shower - said to them ‘oh, Christie didn’t invite you? I thought she would have’, knowing full well that we both agreed we wouldn’t invite colleagues due to numbers
• Telling me that if baby is born with any kind of disability like autism, it’s my fault or my side of the family, not from his side
• Insistent that I will breastfeed, doesn’t accept that I may not be able to
• Cannot give me a straight answer as to whether he will be at the birth or not
• Ignored me in person when I was asking him about why he behaved in a certain way towards me. Sat in silence as if I wasn’t there
• Told me not to talk about anything with our mutual friends - talk to my friends at home instead
• Would question me on what the girls know about our situation and imply that he wasn’t happy with me
• Tried to start an argument with me about apparently ‘playing dumb’. I felt too upset to go out with my friends - ended up staying the night with him instead after he told me he rented my favourite film and made me feel bad for planning on going out with them
• Told me the boys had an issue with me being round there so much so we need to cut down seeing each other - clearly didn’t stick up for me but still carried on inviting me over
• He felt I was putting too much pressure on him because I said I didn’t like the last minute plans, so he threatened to leave. When I agreed it’s for the best, he blew up my phone, work phone and demanded that we sort it out because he wanted to chat to me over the weekend and see me. I always gave him the time. Eventually he began ignoring me for full weekends at a time when he was upset with something I said or did.
• Told me he had a thing for mixed-race girls multiple times, and would always like mixed-race girls photos (I am white)
• Ended up chilling with him and the boys on the sofa most nights, even though I told him I wanted to spend some time just us two
• He used to get up and go to bed without saying anything, leaving me on the sofa with the boys. Then text me saying ‘come to bed/let’s go to sleep’. Felt like I was following him like a lost puppy
• Towards the end he would walk steps ahead of me, or very fast so I struggled to keep pace. Also crossed roads randomly without alerting me that he wanted to cross, so I would end up stuck on the other side of the road
• Never introduced me to his female friends, only a couple of very close male friends
• His family never knew about me until I fell pregnant, even after a year of being involved - even video calling his family sat next to me, I stayed quiet
• At the beginning I went for lunch with a friend, he was in the same restaurant with our colleagues. He paid for my meal as a surprise, in front of our colleagues. Never surprised me in private
• Would tell our colleagues/ mutual friends how much he likes me and cares about me, but never told me to my face
• Whenever I doubted his commitment, he would simply say ‘I am into you’, but couldn’t tell me why and anything further - either ‘had to go’ or changed the subject
• Was only ever complimentative of my looks, and usually during sex mostly
• When I came over he stopped greeting me, sometimes didn’t even look at me just said ‘hello’
• Would sometimes remove his whatsapp profile picture if we were arguing and would keep it removed until we made up
• Never apologised off his own back. Only apologised to me when I asked him to or when I would be upset towards him/ not give him attention after he had upset me
• Apologies were never genuine - sorry if, sorry but, and always quite vague
• When he met my parents, he paid for the whole meal secretly and was cracking lots of personal jokes with me, although he avoided me/ ignored me days before at our christmas party
• Bought my parents some expensive biltong for no reason after they met
• Asked me if I was ‘actually going to eat all of that’ when we ordered desserts and I was enjoying a waffle
• Told me that just because he shows me no empathy or care it doesn’t make him a narcissist (he apparently only has empathy for friends and family)
• Told me to stop expecting anything thoughtful or respectful from him so then I stop getting upset

And why have a baby with him?!

You need to take some responsibility for your own actions here, you can hardly claim he was conning you by playing the perfect boyfriend, he was openly a cunt from the start, beginning by cheating on his girlfriend with you?!

Where's your accountability for your own life, and more worryingly, that of your child?!

Yes, at least some of those tick the boxes for emotional abuse, especially the lying, blowing hot and cold, belittling and gaslighting you. This is why you are so confused and feeling such a strong emotional response- because he has got into your head and is playing with you. I don't think a lot of PPs are showing much understanding of how emotional abuse works. Constantly questioning yourself is part of it.

I recommend that you absolutely, definitively block him. Do not put him on the baby's birth certificate whatever he says. Do not, under any circumstances, give the baby his surname. Tell him that you will only agree to him seeing the baby if he attends mediation with you and work out a written contact agreement together THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT AND HAS SAVED MY DS FROM BEING FORCED TO SEE HIS FATHER - who has gone on to do much, much worse stuff, from which I have been able to protect him because I stood firm.

Read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. Find support from either Women's Aid or other domestic violence support groups.

Accept that you will have intrusive, obsessive thoughts for a long time, but you will be free one day (I am free now). These are not a measure of how much you are meant for each other, but of how much he has managed to damage you.

People do not uncritically adore him as much as he likes to make out, believe you me. If you are forced to observe him for some years, you will see the penny dropping for more and more people over that time.

Visualise a strong, impregnable wall between him and you and DS.

I'm sorry about some of the responses you've got here- the Relationships section is usually somewhere that you can find a lot of posters with experience and knowledge of emotional abuse- but not today for some reason 🙄

That's some list, if you. a wrote that then you're not the sensitive one, he's a cunt.
I cannot understand why you're having his child, the mind boggles why you ever thought that was a good idea.
Keep up the therapy and go no contact & stay single.

I wasn't aware of his girlfriend and everything until after around 5 months when he left her. He lied to me. He pursued me knowing I was in a relationship, however my relationship had ended long before anything happened. As for having a baby, it wasn't planned and I did not want to abort my baby - which I do not need to explain to anyone

Save yourself headaches and not include him on birth certificate pls

This man is going to ruin your life and your childs. You chose to continue this pregnancy yet gave no thought to the poor child you are bringing into this world. What an absolute shit show.
You need to toughen up sharpish. The fact that you wrote that very long list down shows how enmeshed you are. Stop discussing the pregnancy with him AT ALL. He doesn't care about you or that baby one bit. In fact, he despises you.
Get smart, put your unborn child's wellbeing first and stop engaging with him. He could not have made it more clear he doesn't like you. Yet you hung around? Why?
Just out of interest, did you leave your long term partner for this prick?

When I tried to leave he came back doing and saying the rights things. And he was nice for a long time. His cruelty was very subtle and didnt even exist at the start. I could never have even believed the truth of how he really is. He explained it all away and had me feeling sorry for him. Over time I started questioning things, and thats when it went down hill. He led me on strongly. And no, I didnt leave my ex for him

I only read the first few.

Why on earth have you stayed for this list to become so long??

He's a manipulative fucker. Bin him off and be happy! You might find the Freedom Programme helpful.

But you chose to continue in a relationship with him knowing that he’s cheated on his gf with you. So you knew he was a liar and a cheat - why continue to get involved?

Yea he’s a complete twat but he didn’t exactly hide who he was from the start

Why oh WHY would you still be with this total twat?

I understand this and I wish I did things differently now, however this is my situation. I acknowledge my part 100%, yet it still does not change how he continues to treat me and how I am struggling to come to terms with his behaviour. I still sit here and doubt myself.

If you read the thread, I am not.
I am simply struggling with coming to terms with it all and find myself questioning myself

😱

Well now you know exactly who he is @chrislt and I'm concerned that you continue to give him headspace. Yes, toxic relationships like this take some time to process but you don't have time. You are pregnant. Frankly, if he clicked his fingers tomorrow you would be back there like a shot.
I agree with a previous poster who wrote that you are attempting to use this pregnancy to make him care. He doesn't care. It won't all be ok when he lays eyes on his son for the first time. He won't give a shit. That baby will just be a stick to beat you with.
The kindest thing that man could do for his child would be to walk away and never look back. Why would he do that when he gets to have some fun toying with you though? He will fuck off when he gets fed up of that though, he will walk away without a backwards glance.
I am saying all of this to you knowing it will hurt you because you need to wake up. It's not about you anymore, you are going to be a mum.
Do not push for him to have contact, do not put his name on the birth certificate. Toughen up.

WAKE THE FUCK UP!

• Cheated on his 3 year long girlfriend with his ex - he was drunk
• Cheated on his 3 year long girlfriend with me, for 5 months
• Pursued me knowing I was in a long term relationship
• Ghosted me for a month and came back with no explanation or apology

That sequence alone is a shit show. This was doomed to fail from the start due to your blindless. I'm not one to blame the victim but sometimes you do have to wonder, how on earth did you think this was going to work out?

Have some self respect. Make tough decisions. There are plenty of people out there. Just block him and be done with it.

You are absolutely right to question and blame (partly) yourself.

Now grow up quickly and stop trying to lable him. He is/was a shit semi bf. End of. We have all had them.

You say you "tried to leave" but he wasn't even treating you like a fuckbuddy let alone a girlfriend?! He openly disliked and mocked you. How long did this quasi-situationship even last?

And why the hell weren't you doubling up on contraception whilst sleeping with a cheating loser? Or did you think an "accidental" pregnancy would make him stick around?!

You need to take some responsibility for your own actions here. You've tied your unborn child to a feckless POS for a dad. The baby is the only person in this shitshow who deserves sympathy, the adults have all behaved disgracefully.

recommend that you absolutely, definitively block him. Do not put him on the baby's birth certificate whatever he says. Do not, under any circumstances, give the baby his surname. Tell him that you will only agree to him seeing the baby if he attends mediation with you and work out a written contact agreement together THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT AND HAS SAVED MY DS FROM BEING FORCED TO SEE HIS FATHER - who has gone on to do much, much worse stuff, from which I have been able to protect him because I stood firm.

This sounds important and excellent advice which is coming from personal experience.

There is no use asking OP why she stayed or why she got pregnant. I know women who have done the same (myself included) and only after a long time thought WTF . Some abusers can mess with your head pretty quickly and soon have you doubting your judgement, decisions and ability to see you need to get out. Or diminish your esteem and confidence so much, you feel incapable of coping away from them.

i have long stopped asking myself what was in his head or why I didn’t see the signs or get out decades before I eventually left. My ex is that flawed, unhinged and delusional , I’d be more worried about my own mind if I could understand what was going on in his.

Put all the energy you have in focussing on yourself and your baby and protecting yourself and them by following the above advice to distance him from you both, and restrict his access to your lives.

Do a Google search for counsellors now OP and get yourself booked in this week.

Share some of the bullet point list with them.

You need advice on how to change your behaviour so that there is a more respectful relationship between you. This will mean dropping any attempt to get back with this man. And establishing coparenting rules and boundaries.

You need to be putting baby first and there’s no way you will be doing this if you in any way think this man is going to come to his senses and care about you.

Give baby your surname so baby feels part of your family. No doubt he won’t like it but it isn’t fair to give baby another family’s name if baby won’t be welcomed with respect and love by that family.

He did treat me like a girlfriend for the first 6 months or so. He wasnt horrible from the start to me. This has mostly happened since I started calling him out on his bs that started after about 7 months in

I can't believe you thought he was even worth the 20 minutes or however long it took you to type that out.

OP needs support and practical advice not judgement or blame right now. She’s left this man thank goodness. Now she needs to reclaim her life by getting this man out of it ans protecting herself and her baby.

What an ENORMOUS list of faults, and yet you still can't work out why this twat is a complete waste of space. The fact that he heated on his GF with you, early on, should have told you what sort of person he is. He's no good. Don't waste any more of your time, he'll never be any different.

I couldn’t read it all either it is a huge laundry list of every little thing. It sounds to me like you’re obsessing.

look it’s over, he didn’t treat you well and he wasn’t in it for a proper relationship. Focus on the baby and see if you can foster good Co parenting in time. Continue with your therapy and hopefully you can accept and move on.

Respectfully, having the wrong type of people around you (giving bad advice) will lead to these sorts of situations. It's important that the absurdity of this is not understated because it is ridiculous.