Is this abuse? I feel it is but I keep blaming/questioning myself

[chrislt]

• Cheated on his 3 year long girlfriend with his ex - he was drunk
• Cheated on his 3 year long girlfriend with me, for 5 months
• Pursued me knowing I was in a long term relationship
• Ghosted me for a month and came back with no explanation or apology
• Lied about his ex being pregnant with a new boyfriend
• Told me he doesn’t kiss me outside of intimacy because he is still in love with his ex (after we had been dating for 6 months)
• Asked me how to say certain phrases in spanish (so he could flirt with the girl he met in Barcelona - he didnt know I knew)
• Lied about meeting the girl in Barcelona - told me I was crazy in the face of evidence
• On my way to his house he would tell me he wasn’t well and preferred to be alone
• Discussed going on holidays together to the point of looking at flights and hotels, only to cancel or change his mind for one reason or another
• Withheld sex/intimacy - sometimes arousing me only to change his mind after
• Some days or weeks he would be very distant and not make any plans with me, then called me insecure and needy for asking why or feeling upset
• Very rarely included me with his friends
• Told me he would like to go places e.g. natural history museum one day, but always cancelling / being ‘too busy’ to plan anything
• When we ordered takeaway, he would ask what I wanted, then order the opposite
• Used the word ‘I’ a lot - even when we did things together, when he spoke about it with others he said ‘I’
• Accused me of sleeping with a co-worker when he was away
• Ghosted me for the week he was away until the last day, then got angry when I didn’t answer his call the first time, telling me to ‘not bother chatting to him when he’s back’
• Accused me of being obsessed with him and ‘baby-trapping’ him when I fell pregnant and kept the baby
• Accused me of being a golddigger because I threatened to go through the CMS for child support
• Blocked me for a week because he accidentally found out the gender of the baby through another person
• Blocked me because I screenshotted his message where he threatened to fiddle books so he doesn’t have to pay CMS
• Ignored me but in front of mutual friends asked to feel my belly and ask how baby is
• Argued with me for messaging the girl in Barcelona over text, but then in person in front of mutual friends put his arm around me asking how my weekend was
• Shouted at me through the phone the day before the 12 week scan, telling me that I have ruined his chances of being with his ex, and our baby should have been his and hers
• Was taking medication for herpes and never told me (I found the meds)
• Lied about meeting up with a female friend - accused me of being jealous
• Pretended to be asleep when I was up crying all night after an argument
• I took the morning off work because I was up all night crying - he called me to ask when I was coming in because he needed me to do something for him at work. Didn’t even ask how I was feeling
• When he told me to ‘pack my shit and go’ after he gaslighted me about the girl in Barcelona, I did, and minutes later he was kissing me, being intimate with me telling me that he ‘doesn’t want to fight anymore’
• Switched off the light and rolled over to sleep when I was in the middle of talking to him after an argument. Had to see myself out in the dark
• Walked out of the room when I was telling him how I felt about our situation and why I was confused. He told me he had to feed his dog, and whilst feeding her was laughing with his friends. Came back after 4 minutes and asked me ‘what were we talking about again’
• Invited me to his house to plan the baby shower and attend the scan - I stayed the night and he was spooning and cuddling me, however ‘doesn’t like me’
• Many times he would fully turn away from me when watching TV or be on his phone all evening
• Told me he would call or text and sometimes didn’t bother, unless I texted him he replied
• Met up with his ex numerous times behind my back - one time telling me a sob story about how her daughter was rushed to A&E and he was so concerned for her, so had to be there
• Would sit next to other girls on the green or at lunchtimes, away from me as if he didn’t know me (when we were seeing each other) - told me I don’t own him & am not entitled to him when I asked why he did that, or telling him it upset me
• Accused me of playing dumb often, when I genuinely didn’t know information - telling me he doesn’t trust me
• Accused me of being loose because I had condoms in my bag
• Got jealous of me dating people when he was still with his ex girlfriend at the time
• Rarely, if ever backed me in front of others
• When I was dating and complained that the guy never bothered to ask about me or get to know me, my culture etc, he took me for lunch and all he did was ask questions about me and my culture. That was the only time he bothered.
• Sometimes he would literally ignore / not reply to anything I said. Small things like what I was doing that day etc.
• He would ask me if I was busy later, or what my plans were as if he wanted to see me, and then go out with his friends instead
• Last minute plans. Anything more than a day in advance he would ‘let me know’ because he is a ‘spontaneous person’, yet planned with his friends in advance
• Stated that we are exclusively seeing each other, but only after someone else in the office took a liking to me
• Ghosted me for a month and came back when new boy (childhood friend) joined the office
• Had work people (mutual friends) round his house for an after-party and didn’t mention it to me when I asked what he was up to that night
• Insisting on picking me up after I had a night out
• Offered to give me lifts to or from the airport when I went away, but always found a last minute reason to cancel
• Sometimes would ask for sexual favours but rarely returned them, unless he was in his ‘hot’ phase with me. When I mentioned this he told me that I shouldn’t give to receive or that if he doesn’t do it often, it will make me appreciate it more
• Asked me why I rarely initiate sex, I told him because of my fear of rejection and things that happened in my past. He encouraged me to initiate, but then rejected me many times
• Would tell me he isn’t feeling well and would sleep whilst I was at his, yet he was okay to carry on normally with everyone else
• Telling me I should get some sleep, or take a shower or do this or that, so he could sit and text women in peace (confirmed that he was texting others by them telling me and dates/times matching up)
• Never showed me or tagged me on social media
• Never took pictures with me, even in group settings
• Used to post on social media about how he enjoys spending time alone and posting other things to hint that he is single
• Would tell me why my idea wasn’t great or wouldn’t work, then repeat it to others as if it was his
• Upon telling his family I was pregnant, he didn’t mention to them that we even dated. Told them I was just someone from the office
• When asked why he cheated on his ex with me, he said ‘because you’re hot’ and it’s a ‘fun secret’
• First thing he said was that he didn’t want her to find out about his cheating because she would leave him - not necessarily how it would make her feel
• Doing house viewings with his ex and her kids whilst cheating with me
• Talks to me in a degrading manner then refuses to apologise because if I didn’t make him mad, then he ‘wouldn’t have to speak to me like that’
• Followed me to the car park after I wasn’t backing down from leaving him after he went behind my back. Told me that because of me and my actions now he has to deal with his anger, and it’s my fault
• Not replying to my compliments of him
• When I told him I felt like kissing him, after we had been seeing each other for months and me staying at his 5 days at a time, he said “that’s nice” and didn’t welcome my kiss
• Told me he didn’t need to tell me what he likes about me because ‘he shouldn’t need to reassure me’
• Told me he doesn’t need to make me feel special because ‘I’m not his girl’, yet he expected loyalty from me
• I cooked him dinners when he was sick and he would eat some and throw away the rest because he ‘didn’t fancy it’
• Promised to take me to try Filipino food, then decided against it. Spent over an hour trying to decide what he wanted to eat knowing I was starving and newly pregnant
• Agreed a time to discuss something important to me, after an argument, then cancelled just before (happened often) - rescheduled for a week or two later or just having the conversation via text
• Criticising me for being an unfit parent for going on antidepressants whilst pregnant, despite having had a mental breakdown and following doctor's recommendations
• Told me he would be there for me and do anything he can to help me through my mental breakdown, including a holiday, acupuncture, exercising together, anything I needed to ‘climb this mountain together’ - then never followed up
• Flirting with co-workers in front of me
• Acted surprised when our mutual friends asked why they weren’t invited to the baby shower - said to them ‘oh, Christie didn’t invite you? I thought she would have’, knowing full well that we both agreed we wouldn’t invite colleagues due to numbers
• Telling me that if baby is born with any kind of disability like autism, it’s my fault or my side of the family, not from his side
• Insistent that I will breastfeed, doesn’t accept that I may not be able to
• Cannot give me a straight answer as to whether he will be at the birth or not
• Ignored me in person when I was asking him about why he behaved in a certain way towards me. Sat in silence as if I wasn’t there
• Told me not to talk about anything with our mutual friends - talk to my friends at home instead
• Would question me on what the girls know about our situation and imply that he wasn’t happy with me
• Tried to start an argument with me about apparently ‘playing dumb’. I felt too upset to go out with my friends - ended up staying the night with him instead after he told me he rented my favourite film and made me feel bad for planning on going out with them
• Told me the boys had an issue with me being round there so much so we need to cut down seeing each other - clearly didn’t stick up for me but still carried on inviting me over
• He felt I was putting too much pressure on him because I said I didn’t like the last minute plans, so he threatened to leave. When I agreed it’s for the best, he blew up my phone, work phone and demanded that we sort it out because he wanted to chat to me over the weekend and see me. I always gave him the time. Eventually he began ignoring me for full weekends at a time when he was upset with something I said or did.
• Told me he had a thing for mixed-race girls multiple times, and would always like mixed-race girls photos (I am white)
• Ended up chilling with him and the boys on the sofa most nights, even though I told him I wanted to spend some time just us two
• He used to get up and go to bed without saying anything, leaving me on the sofa with the boys. Then text me saying ‘come to bed/let’s go to sleep’. Felt like I was following him like a lost puppy
• Towards the end he would walk steps ahead of me, or very fast so I struggled to keep pace. Also crossed roads randomly without alerting me that he wanted to cross, so I would end up stuck on the other side of the road
• Never introduced me to his female friends, only a couple of very close male friends
• His family never knew about me until I fell pregnant, even after a year of being involved - even video calling his family sat next to me, I stayed quiet
• At the beginning I went for lunch with a friend, he was in the same restaurant with our colleagues. He paid for my meal as a surprise, in front of our colleagues. Never surprised me in private
• Would tell our colleagues/ mutual friends how much he likes me and cares about me, but never told me to my face
• Whenever I doubted his commitment, he would simply say ‘I am into you’, but couldn’t tell me why and anything further - either ‘had to go’ or changed the subject
• Was only ever complimentative of my looks, and usually during sex mostly
• When I came over he stopped greeting me, sometimes didn’t even look at me just said ‘hello’
• Would sometimes remove his whatsapp profile picture if we were arguing and would keep it removed until we made up
• Never apologised off his own back. Only apologised to me when I asked him to or when I would be upset towards him/ not give him attention after he had upset me
• Apologies were never genuine - sorry if, sorry but, and always quite vague
• When he met my parents, he paid for the whole meal secretly and was cracking lots of personal jokes with me, although he avoided me/ ignored me days before at our christmas party
• Bought my parents some expensive biltong for no reason after they met
• Asked me if I was ‘actually going to eat all of that’ when we ordered desserts and I was enjoying a waffle
• Told me that just because he shows me no empathy or care it doesn’t make him a narcissist (he apparently only has empathy for friends and family)
• Told me to stop expecting anything thoughtful or respectful from him so then I stop getting upset

⬆️ this. Why are you giving this shitshow such a huge amount of headspace?!

Get therapy Op.

I feel sad for your baby, in all this toxicity, I feel that their needs are going to be ignored. Learn to advocate for yourself, then you'll be able to do the same for the baby

Poor, poor baby. Is adoption an option?

Don’t put him in the birth certificate. Claim CMS.

Tell this manipulative cunt to only contact you via a specially set up email address. Block via every single other method.

TLDR

Just LTB !

That list was far too long.

You don't need a reason to end a relationship.

I see that you have ended it. Don't obsess over him like this. Concentrate on your coming baby.

And don't put him on the birth certificate.

You were both being unfaithful when you first met, so you haven't covered yourself with glory.

Find your self respect OP. You’ve allowed this man to treat you with absolute disrespect to the point of ridiculousness.

He probably can’t believe himself how often he’s kicked you down for you to come bouncing back for more. He is never going to respect and love you.

So, protect yourself, and FFS grey rock him from now on. Stop discussing baby things with him as a way of trying to manipulate him into being a better partner of sorts. It won’t work. He doesn’t care. He has told you that he has no empathy for you. Believe him. How can you even be having arguments about breastfeeding when baby isn’t even here? He won’t be living with you so he gets no say in how you feed baby. Stop having these types of pointless discussion with him.

Keep all your friends and family close. You are going to need them over the coming months when baby is here. Join mother and baby activities / classes to broaden your support network.

Absolutely go through proper channels for child support as he will be an arsehole about maintenance otherwise. I assume you are on maternity leave. Once baby is here and you’re back at work, I’d start looking for a job elsewhere.

Can you get some counselling?

Well if you lie down and let people walk all over you, that's exactly what they'll do

I didn't even read half of this. Please tell me you're not still with this Prince among men and you've not brought a child into this mess

@chrislt dont know about abuse but you are definitely a doormat with mug tattooed on your forehead! get rid of the waste of space!! he aint worth it.

Why on earth would you bring a baby into this? The poor kid has no chance...

And???? You started this relationship whilst he was simultaneously seeing a long term girlfriend, it was never going to end well was it? He sounds a horrendous & horrible man , your job now is to teach your kids never to treat a woman like that/ never to let themselves be treated by a man like that.

He sounds like a sociopath.

You should have gotten out many times (or not gotten in when you knew he was a cheater.

But you know that .

Other people may not see it, they're not you. People often think abusers are ok, their public face is not what you're seeing or experiencing.

I presume the other women he's cheated on might see it though

He's not a good guy to have a child with, but that ship has sailed.

I think you need counselling going forward to minimise the damage to yourself and your child.

Not abuse - for the ones I read

but he is a looser and a very unpleasant person

i wouldnt date him

Jesus what an absolute shit show to bring a baby into. Please make better choices and stay single for the sake of this poor baby.

Good, please stay apart from him. I know its really hard but you can and WILL get through this. Sounds like you have family, try to lean on them. You don't have to be with Jim. Eventually you WILL get through the hard tome and be happy again. Keep on with therapy. If you work together, I think you need to get a new job.

Sorry love😪. I know how you feel. People seem to think my ex husband is a great person but he has treated myself and kids horrible. You can't know how someone is in a relationship unless you are in it. You will get through this.

He cheated on his ex girlfriend with you so you already knew he was abusive. He removed her right to informed sexual consent, gaslit and lied to her and stole her personal agency. From the get go you KNEW what you were getting. The rest is just backing that up.

I understand why. Its because everyone else thinks he is great and whatever he does to her seems to not matter. I am in a similar situation.

Exactly this. It makes you question yourself and literally feels like you are going crazy

Wtf who cares what others think based on his acting move on and be happy....he will chase you don't cave in it's a coercive act

Did anyone read all of that? Get out of the 'relationship', work on your self esteem and move on.

I've been there dear, still there. You have to let it go. Forgive yourself for staying so long and ignoring the red flags. It's good that you see that you need to work on yourself and are getting therapy. Just focus on your baby.

He’s a cunt. Get yourself some therapy and go as low contact as you can with him. If you are lucky, he’ll be bored of your child within 6 months and never see him again.

I can't even be bothered to read all your post, have some self respect and leave this man.

The list is way too long, sorry.

Also why did you get involved with him when you was in a long term relationship also.