Getting over an affair

[BreezyBrickRobin]

I had an affair - I'm consumed with guilt all the time. I don't want to leave my husband, it would kill him and ruin the rest of his life. I still have deep feelings for the other man - him probably not so. He doesn't want a life with me. I fell hook, line and sinker for the other man. I know I should tell my husband but I can't. I know everyone will say it serves me right but the pain is horrific. I have ruined my life and don't know what to do.

so i’m guessing if the other chap was keen… you’d still be having an affair? so not really guilty, more gutted!

You're husband deserves better.

No. You haven't ruined your life. You haven't yet come out of the fantasy world you created inside your head. That may take some time. Try to think about it logically. Under what circumstances did you and your affair person meet? Were you making false associations between feeling good and him being the cause of you feeling good? Is this other man really as great as you think he is?

@brocollilover it went on for a long time but I began to see the light so no I wouldn't have continued - no excuse though.

I still have deep feelings for the other man - him probably not so. He doesn't want a life with me

you have “seen the light”? 🤔

@Hellebor i created a huge fantasy that I was the most special person in his life. I fell for the every one-liner in the book. Its only now I know what a stupid cow I have been.

No judgement but something mustve be wrong in your marriage for you to have an affair. That needs to be worked on, only you know if it can be unfortunately

The only light you've seen is that your ap couldn't care less about you while you've still got deep feelings. That's not much consolation to your DH.

@YourFluentCrab nothing wrong with my marriage. Usual ups and downs but definitely something wrong with the way I see myself. Want to be loved even if it means destructing my life.

The truth will out. It's better for you to come clean. I think the " I don't want to leave my husband, it would kill him and ruin the rest of his life" is all about you. You already cheated. You didn't care about him while you were lying to him and fucking the other man. You didn't care about it killing him or ruining his life while you were having fun and getting your rocks off. You care now when you could lose everything. You made and unmade your bed. What your doing now is self preservation. It's nothing to do with your husband

@canyouletthedogoutplease fair point

If you've been having a long-standing affair there really is something very wrong with your marriage, don't kid yourself

OP you have to come clean to your husband. If there is something to be salvaged from your marriage then it needs to be with honesty and openness. It can't go on the way it is - it's not fair on him and it's driving you insane. Surely you know this.

Imagine him finding out from someone other than you. Or finding evidence and realising what you've done. It's so much better you tell him yourself.

Perhaps nether man is right for you here. It doesn’t seem as though you love or respect your husband. You are still hurting him by staying with him in this situation.

Would you want him to stay with you out of obligation if he didn’t love you and had cheated?

@Aliceal no I wouldn't

I'd advise again to examine the circumstances under which you both met.

you are in love with another man
you would have left your husband if the other man had been keen

op - your marriage is rotten to the core

You 'want to be loved'. Doesn't your husband love you then?!

You are clearly heart broken. Only time will sort that.

As for having an affair well yes you are all things attached to that, liar, deceitful, sly, selfish and so on

You said you had an affair because you will do anything for love - so does your husband not love you? Or were you being greedy and needing to feel doubly loved!!!

Honestly go and look in the mirror and take a closer look at your marriage

You seem confused, so I assum you are in real life. You tell us how he doesn’t wish a life with you and you fell for it. Repeatedly but then seem to be saying you don’t wish a life with him. It does read like if he did you’d be in there like a shot. That this isn’t about your poor husband, it’s about the fact it was just sex to this guy.

OP no judgement here I had an affair and fell for him. You need no contact and time

I read a Ted talk about affairs and actually gif most women it's not about their marriage it's about them and their sense of self and identity and the complexities of aging, children, all that.
I'd keep my mouth shut, block ap completely, maybe get some therapy, and put 110% into your marriage. Reassess in a years time.

Mumsnet will pound you for having an affair. There are many broken hearted people with understandable rage.
Realistically, life is more complex that affair= horrible person.

Kinda feel the response and comments would be somewhat different if this was a man posting this.

Which ones? Mind wouldn't.