Getting over an affair

[BreezyBrickRobin]

I had an affair - I'm consumed with guilt all the time. I don't want to leave my husband, it would kill him and ruin the rest of his life. I still have deep feelings for the other man - him probably not so. He doesn't want a life with me. I fell hook, line and sinker for the other man. I know I should tell my husband but I can't. I know everyone will say it serves me right but the pain is horrific. I have ruined my life and don't know what to do.

Nobody is victim blaming (in this case the poor husband) and agree it is totally due to the cheater's poor integrity, loyalty and lack of character.

However IF the cheater deeply loved and respected their partner, would they cheat in the first place? The OP didn't have a drunken one night stand but a long affair which obviously involved multiple lies, risking her husband's mental and physical health, never mind blowing up her family.

I have little sympathy. You reap what you sow. No doubt the affair would have continued if OP hadn't realised AP had strung her along merely for sex.

Tell your husband. Staying with him whilst he's in the dark, it's a dick move. Give him the chance to decide what kind of future he has.
Then, if he wants to stay, it's at least a conscious decision he's being allowed to make.

@Springtoit on the subject of ‘victim blaming’ we disagree.

This narrative that somehow a cheater would have behaved differently ‘if’ they’d ‘respected’ or ‘deeply loved’ the partner sends a clear message that ‘if’ they had the ‘right’ partner they wouldn’t have cheated.

This is nonsense. Many cheats leave their partners and go onto cheat again, even with affair partners. In fact they’re 3/4 times more likely to cheat again than people who have never cheated.

You could say they don’t have the respect or ability to deeply love someone to be a safe partner. That I’d agree with. The use of language is important, it’s a subtle shift but it’s important that we use language that doesn’t imply a betrayed not being ‘good enough’ for a cheat to deeply love/respect them. That is so damaging and untrue.

As for the rest of your post I utterly agree. This poster is not safe for her husband at all and he deserves the truth.

In my relationship? For the most part, yes. Even though i found out and dh didn't come to me, he immediately accepted full responsibility and took full accountability and he went away and thought about what was needed to salvage things and took the initiative with all of that. I believe him to be genuinely remorseful and he asked for us to go to individual and couples counselling and has fully committed to both. If he had made any attempt to excuse his behaviour/ to omit things/ had any further contact we would have been finished. But he's done a lot of work on himself individually and as a partner and I do believe that he really regrets what he did. In our case it was an online emotional affair, I'm not sure I would have been as forgiving of a longer term in person affair but who's to say. Marriages are complex and so far I'm glad I gave mine a second chance. If he repeats the same or similar behaviour there won't be another chance and he's very aware of that. It's not always easy and we're still working on things but I do feel that he's trying and he understands he'll be trying forever to make sure he maintains my trust.

As hard as it will be, if he finds out it will be so much worse.

You need space to concentrate on yourself so you don't repeat this destructive behaviour.

Please also remember for men it's pretty much about having their cake and eating it. They will tell you anything to get in your knickers.

Somewhat naive to think that people who have affairs aren't also hurting - not saying its right, but there are no winners in this.

There is winner. Mr smooth talker.

It's a choice

Not naive at all thanks been thete and done it ...its a choice to have an affair and not a good one at that

@Usernamechange1234

'This narrative that somehow a cheater would have behaved differently ‘if’ they’d ‘respected’ or ‘deeply loved’ the partner sends a clear message that ‘if’ they had the ‘right’ partner they wouldn’t have cheated'

Not at all, with respect, that is your interpretation. We all know the flaws and faults belong 100% to the cheater and gullible AF.

The decent thing to do is kindly end the marriage if you no longer love your husband/wife instead of cake eating whilst selfishly weighing up which way to jump.

By not confessing to your husband you're making a decision on his behalf for him to stay with a cheating wife. Give him all of the information and allow him the dignity to decide what he wants to do.

💯

It's not fair to stay in your marriage just because your affair isn't interested in something long term. You will be ruining your husband's and your life. Surely he notices your distant behaviour? Are you still intimate with each other? Don't do any favours on your husband by staying with him. It's making a fool of him. There must some unhappiness and discontentment in your marriage that led you to stray. If you are consumed with guilt, consider counselling to find ways to manage it and the deciding the outcome of your marriage.

Agreed. I find doing this at least as awful as having the affair in the first place

@springtoit ahh but here’s the thing. I don’t believe a lot of affairs have anything to do with the marriage, or with how they feel about their spouse. There was a study on a site for hookups that found over 50% of the married individuals on there described themselves as happy or more than happy with their marriage.

It’s a cheater problem not a marriage problem and most certainly not a betrayed problem and from bitter experience as someone who read things like ‘he doesn’t love you or respect YOU enough and that’s why he had the affair’ I did NOT take that as the problem is with ‘him’ I internalised it and found fault with myself, I was already in pain I didn’t need that. Words matter!!!!

Time has shown me it was indeed a ‘him’ problem!

But I’m not going to fill this thread with this so I am out now. I think @FairyMaclary has done a very good job of putting across why we should move away from unhappy marriage/ doesn’t respect you narrative.

Not going to win hearts and minds arguing about it on mn! 😁

I don't want to leave my husband, it would kill him

Whilst you having an affair made him happy?
You don't care about your husband