Getting over an affair

[BreezyBrickRobin]

I had an affair - I'm consumed with guilt all the time. I don't want to leave my husband, it would kill him and ruin the rest of his life. I still have deep feelings for the other man - him probably not so. He doesn't want a life with me. I fell hook, line and sinker for the other man. I know I should tell my husband but I can't. I know everyone will say it serves me right but the pain is horrific. I have ruined my life and don't know what to do.

The term you made your bed now lie in it seems appropriate
Personally you need to tell your husband. You have disrespected him enough. You have made this mess. Heartbroken, gutted, confused it doesn't matter this is now about your husband and doing the right thing so he has the choice to decide if he wants to stay with you. He deserves respect especially as you've said there isn't really anything from with your relationship with him.
Whatever you decide to do one or both of you will be heartbroken but you only have yourself to blame, his hands are clean

Your husband deserves honesty.

If the other guy wold have you you would be gone …that in itself tells me you don’t love your husband..who deserves much better he has the right to know …what kind of marriage do you have filled with lies and deceit…do the right thing and set your husband free plenty of ladies out there looking for a good guy …

You'll feel better if you tell your husband, although obviously that'll create it's own problems. Relate do a crisis affair counselling session

Then you can see if he wants to try to continue your marriage.

Continuing the deceit will be much worse in the long run.

But she clearly wants the other man who doesn’t want her only a matter of time before it happens agin this isn’t love and he should know …he can do better

You talk about you getting over an affair what about your poor unknowing husband

I think you should come clean and give your husband an opportunity to make a decision. He has the right to choose whether he wants to stay with you or not. Itnis not fair on him. If you love him tell him.

she would leave if the other guy wanted her so it isn’t love she feels for her husband …and the other guy well he clearly doesn’t want her so I think it’s time to be honest with yourself and your husband

Of course there's something wrong with your marriage if you're having an affair

People Cheat in good marriages. Cheating is about the cheater - it’s a choice that someone makes. I think you are still in the fog.

All marriages have ups and downs - bereavements, illness, stress - but cheating is a choice. You break your vows through choice. You choose to give up your honesty and integrity for cheap thrills and ego kibbles. I can’t imagine any bloke is worth that tbh.

However you say ‘it would kill your husband’. I am guessing you mean he would be devastated to realise you are shagging another man? The true devastation will be the realisation that you chose to betray him. Continued to betray him KNOWING it would upset (kill) him. Lying kills the marriage. Trickle truth kills your marriage. Being a coward kills your marriage. You overstepping the line killed your marriage, all you are doing by telling him is letting him in on the fact you chose to destroy your marriage and hide it from him.

Every time you hug him and smile you are stabbing him in the back.

Ask yourself - are not telling him because you want to CONTROL the outcome. Once you tell him you lose control of your choices and situation. By telling him he will know you are ‘the bad guy’. Others may find out you are the bad guy. At the moment he still presumably thinks you are honest and loyal. If you end up single you will have to admit to new dates ‘my marriage ended because I cheated’ or you could lie.

Often cheaters want to remain in control of their situation. They don’t want people to know their dark side. They say I don’t want to hurt him (you already are). It’s a bit like if you car was stolen today but you are on holiday and don’t find out for a month. The damage has already been done. Not knowing doesn’t mean the theft hasn’t happened.

At the moment you are denying him consent and agency and you are choosing to lie. This is abusive behaviour. You are putting him at risk of STDs and PTSD (your affair partner may have others on the go).

You are very much in cheating mode and sadly cheaters are not the prize. Your husband is in the same marriage (good or bad) and he is presumably choosing not to cheat. He is staying true to his word. His word presumably means something. He is the prize here. You feel like a prize with two men wanting you but only your faithful husband is the prize.

Why were the ego kibbles worth it? You chose kibbles and smoke up the bum over your own integrity and honesty. Why?

Is this really who you are choosing to be?

Totally agree. It's not just the physical act of cheating, it's making your husband live a lie, potentially for his whole life. The very least you owe him is honesty.

Research has shown this to be untrue. People don't necessarily have affairs because their relationship is flawed. We are not solely satisfied in life through another person. We are satisfied through numerous things. Hobbies, jobs, friends, children etc.
many people have affairs for the excitement, newness, validation and ego boost.

Ltr are not the same as new or illicit relationships. Doesn't mean the ltr is flawed. It means the person having the affair craved things no long term relationship can offer. Newness for one. The excitement for another.

It important to understand this and find other ways toget the dopamine hit that don't involve deception

If you're still in love/infatuated with your ex lover you're not going to be able to give your all to your marriage and make it work

Why don't you have a few counselling sessions to try to work out what YOU want to do with your life

That might get your head together and help you make some decisions and work out what to say to your husband

It shows lack of respect for your partner the victim and that is what matters here not why someone has an affair…glad you would be that understanding if it happened to you but let me tell you I wasn’t it hurt like hell

God, OP - what a mess! Your affair is a reflection on you not your marriage so it’s good that you’re taking full responsibility.

I’m not going to tell you to blow up your and your DH’s life by telling him about the affair because i’m a bit of a coward and in your shoes would probably not have the courage to tell him (although I think it is the morally right thing to do).

You have cheated on and lied to your DH so you have demonstrated that you’re utterly untrustworthy. As PP have noted, your epiphany seems to have come from the fact that your lover has lost interest rather than your love for your DH.

However (and you don’t have to answer this) - do you think your husband sensed what was going on? Has he been asking you anxious questions? Has he seemed insecure and uncertain about your relationship? When my dad was having an affair, it was pretty bloody obvious. If you think your DH probably has known what was going on, then I think the argument for telling him is even stronger. Then he will at least know that he’s not crazy and that he can trust his instincts. And then he has full agency over his decision-making. But in your shoes, I probably wouldn’t have the guts to tell him either.

Whether you tell him or not, now is an opportunity to end the affair and try to properly recommit to your DH.

Of course there's something wrong with your marriage.

One of you is an honest, dedicated spouse and the other a cheating entitled emotionally immature individual who has abused the other and denied them agency.

If you don't love your husband and he's merely the fall back guy at least have the decency to split up from him. I wouldn't even bother mentioning the affair. Just divorce.

If you genuinely feel remorse and want to stay in the marriage then tell him about the affair and pay your dues. Really help him recover from your betrayal if he wants to work through and save the marriage, if not then live and learn from your selfish and low life behaviour.

Little sympathy from me OP tbh. The pain of being betrayed leaves a life time of scars and broken lives in its path.

Jeez, the victim blamers are out on force today. OP has said there is nothing wrong with her marriage, she’d be in the majority in a recent study who said the same.

Cheating is in most cases entirely about the cheat nothing to do with the marriage.

@FairyMaclary and @ggggggooooo are spot on.

@BreezyBrickRobin my advice would be to move away from mumsnet for advice. Please get yourself onto Surviving Infidelity. They have a forum called ‘wayward’. The posters there have been in your shoes, they’re harsh but fair and will support you appropriately. They will not allow you to travel down a ‘poor marriage/ not having your needs met’ narrative would mean you fail to become a better person and grow from this. But they will try to get you to dig deep into yourself.

FWIW they will advise you to hand your husbands personal agency back to him by telling him. That will be a message I know you don’t want to hear but to be better you must stop controlling the narrative and being so focused on self preservation which is the selfish and entitled behaviours which got you into the affair in the first place.

As someone who has just gone through what your husband is about to go through.

Tell him, for fuck sake.

Horrid.

No one here is denying that one person has behaved appallingly. What posters are trying to do is stop this victim blaming nonsense that ALWAYS plagues the threads when women have affairs. The attempts to dig deep and find a way somehow of blaming the husband for not making the poor wife ‘happy’ so she had an affair.

You're already ruining his life by having wasted his time on this relationship. Do him the decency of letting him go to find someone who isn't going to betray him. Selfish to stay with someone after that and keep them in the dark.

As @Usernamechange1234 says it’s nothing to do with a spouse . I see him as collateral damage to a cheaters choices. Cheating is on the cheater.

In an unhappy marriage a person has three choices. All are valid and allows a person to remain honest.
A) Request counselling and read material to make the marriage better. Talk to spouse.
B) divorce
C) accept the issues. And shut up. (Gottman suggests over 60% of recurrent issues in a marriage are not fixable).

Nothing about those three disrespects yourself. You remain honest, loyal, you don’t throw away your integrity or damage your self esteem. You could try A and then do B. Or A then C. Sometimes B then A happens as you miss your spouse.

My choices affect me. I am faithful for me. Nothing my husband does can make me cheat or remain faithful - he isn’t that powerful. My word matters to me, so I make my choices accordingly. I have to live with me forever or ‘wherever I go there’s always me’. A cliche but true.

I think it’s important for women (and men) to realise it isn’t their fault they were cheated on. No need for a loyal woman (or man) to have their self esteem damaged as well as their trust/beliefs/world/life/future. Not for the sake of a cheat. I think that the ‘it’s a bad marriage’ narrative is popular as it gives people a sense of control over their situation. ‘My Albert wouldn’t cheat we have a good marriage’. If Albert doesn’t respect himself one dark winters night and thinks I resent the fact Doris didn’t do x/y/z so I deserve Vera blowing smoke up my bum - he could go down a path. He is then choosing to betray his own words, beliefs and values or he never had those values and has lived his life a lie.

I could not date someone who thinks a good marriage stops cheating. It’s too easy during hard times to then say the marriage caused me to cheat. It’s nonsense. When someone says ‘Derek was cheating on Anna’ I now think about what poor character traits Derek has that allowed him to give away his integrity and word. I think Anna is a prize (and that’s even if she attempts to reconcile - fair play for standing by her own vows - courageous woman - I wish her peace and happiness). It’s made some real life conversations very interesting!

I know that I am TOTALLY capable of cheating. I choose not to. If my husband becomes an arsehole overnight how will cheating help me or my life? How will disrespecting myself and betraying myself and my values help me? How will feeling crap and sneaking about help my situation? I can only see a,b and c as the true way to make my life better. And I matter to me. Husband is collateral damage to my beliefs and choices.

I don’t judge the op for having an affair

i have no idea what goes on in her marriage

but what i am 🤔 about is feeling incredibly guilty BUT at the same time clearly utterly heartbroken that the other man doesn’t want to be with her. And would have been off with him had he reciprocated her feelings

My thoughts too …which doesn’t tell me she loves her hubby apart from having an affair in the first place and I’m not judging I have cheated in the past and live with the regret

There are different reasons why someone has an affair op. You need to work out why you felt the need to cross these lines in the first place. I agree you should tell your husband. I found out about my dh by chance and it made it much harder because now I'll never know if he would have ended it himself or how far it would all have gone if I hadn't found out.

Be prepared for his reaction and be fully committed to accepting that whatever way he reacts is the right way and if he does decide to give you another chance, you need to be ready to start completely from scratch because the relationship you had is dead and gone. It will only work if he's willing to attempt to build something new and if you can recognise that you will be working to recover things every single day for the rest of your life. You need to be prepared to cut this person off completely and forever. You need to tell your dh everything. If you omit anything or lie it will be like a second betrayal. You need to be prepared to do counselling yourself and together if he's willing. And you need to be prepared that he might never give you another chance at all and you fully deserve that and commit yourself to still figuring out why you did what you did.

Tbh it sounds like you've still work to do in accepting your own responsibility. Your op reads like the guy tricked you in some way - he's not to blame for anything. He's not in your marriage. You made the decision to cross the line with him, you made multiple conscious choices that got you to this stage and you're only coming to "see the light" when he has basically rejected you. You need to think seriously about what it would have been like had he wanted a life with you - would you have left your dh for him? In which case maybe this marriage isn't actually what you want? At the very least there's been something missing or wrong in your marriage. Happy, self fulfilled people don't cheat on each other so you need to do the work to really dig into the ugly of this to fully understand it.

Personally I'd err on the side of honestly because it's worse to find out later and I don't see how you can genuinely do the work on yourself and as a couple with such a massive secret driving a wedge between you.

@Reflags42 are you happy?