Is this normal behaviour from DH?

[Myleaf]

12 years together, married for 3. 2 primary school kids.
his mum and dad have a very weird and resentful relationship which I can only imagine is the reason why he behaves as he does.

whenever we have an argument, he gives me the silent treatment for days on end. I have got to a point where I just give it back now because I can’t be arsed with the hassle.
so for example, we had an argument last week as he’s been off work for 5 weeks without work. I’ve been paying all of the bills. I got home from work last week after going food shopping and the whole house was like a bomb had gone off. We argued, he sat in the living room sulking like a child. Over the next couple of days whilst I was at work he did a few “chores” round the house but nothing to cry home about. Continued to give the the silent treatment. Then, usually what happens is he decides he wants sex. So he does a few things extra round the house for example, starts talking to me a little bit more. Then instead of coming to bed late or sleeping on the couch like he has done for the previous few nights, he goes to bed at the same time as me and lays there and it is very awkward because I’m still mad. We have then argued at this point before, when I tell him all he wants is sex but it gets me nowhere.

I wish I could lay all of my feelings out but he is the worst person to communicate with and the majority of the time it gets turned back on me. So we’re in a vicious cycle of this. I feel like we’re just slowly turning into his mum and dad who live in the same house but hate each other.

Maybe marriage counselling to learn healthy communication methods?

I’m sorry to say this but giving the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse, and speaking from experience it’s hell for the children. Unless he’s willing to change you may have to consider your options

He definitely won’t do counselling although I do think he needs it! He had a very messed up childhood and my long list of issues with him definitely stem from that!

I would really struggle to live with such a lazy entitled nasty piece of work.

I genuinely think the kids would be devastated if we split because they never see us arguing. But then am I just allowing a cycle of this behaviour and teaching them it’s ok? He’s learnt this behaviour from his mum and dad, are our kids going to learn it from us?

In a nutshell yes, you are both modelling the exact same behaviour to your kids that was modelled to him. You need to point that out to him, tell him he should want better for his kids. If he won’t do counselling then that would be a deal breaker for me.

If he won't seek help and thinks it's okay to subject you to this sort of life forever, then tbh I'd leave. My DH and I don't argue, and he's never given me the silent treatment. I'd not stay with someone who ignored me for days then decided he wanted sex and talked to me again!

Like you've said, your DC will learn this from you both. You might not think they see you argue, but children are perceptive and if your H is giving you the silent treatment for days on end there's no way they've not noticed that. It's just modelling the dysfunctional relationship of his parents to the next generation too, do you want your DC to grow up thinking the relationship you're in is normal and something they should settle for?

Well yes, you are teaching them that one partner can decide to not pull their weight, not contribute to the running of the house, be emotionally abusive. And the other partner needs to just suck it up, do everything in the house, earn the money, accept silent treatment or by doing the same silent treatment stoop to match their shit behaviour. But as you know that surely you’d try and stop it. But appreciate its not easy.

You are being abused

The children will feel the toxicity and tension

So....they are learning about abuse

If he won't or can't change, then leave him

Yes, they are. This doesn't sound like a happy home. I'd be resentful too in your place.

1- you are deluded if you think this toxic communication (lack of) isn't harming the children

2- the word 'normal' is unhelpful. Yes his behaviour is something many people do. It is still completely toxic. It is harming you and your children.

I genuinely thought it was 'nothing to write home about' not 'cry home'

I agree he sounds like he struggles to communicate and basically just shuts down when he feels attacked. Which was of course justified.
Does he normally do his fair share in the home? Does he know what is expected?

Not sure this is on the right thread but the expression is 'nothing to write home about'

My father was like your DH. My parents split when I was 13, and my mother was absolutely stunned to find that all 3 of her children had been aware for years. It doesn't matter if you don't argue in front of the kids- they know that there is tension and that things aren't okay.

He’s learnt this behaviour from his mum and dad, are our kids going to learn it from us?

Yes.

Children learn what they live and all that.

How will they learn otherwise if this is all they have seen?

I genuinely think the kids would be devastated if we split because they never see us arguing

Well the only alternative is to stay with this emotionally abusive, sulky manchild forever, because it sounds like is behaviour is very ingrained and he's not interested in addressing it. You won't be able to hide the state of your marriage from your children as they get older.

I second counselling. It sounds like the main issues are around communication and most counsellors are very good at helping you improve that. Would he consider it if you made it clear that the alternative is to split up?

The OP says cry home.

OP, he sounds awful though, and I agree with Pps silent treatment is abusive.

The number of threads I read on here about this tactic!

It is a sadly really normal behaviour for childish, abusive, emotionally immature men to use the silent treatment as a form of punishment and control. To train you out of ever criticising them, or expecting ordinary adult communication, or holding them accountable, or asking for help around the house.

My ex was like this. I made allowances and excuses for him for years, and sought help to improve our communication.

When I said I was leaving he suddenly knew exactly what he was doing and claimed to want to change - so it had been a manipulation and control tactic all along.

Why do so many women put up with this abuse.

I’m now in a good relationship. We can discuss and split finances, childcare, and housework without issue. He doesn’t sulk or moan - he pulls his weight because he loves me. If I seem sad, he actively seeks discussion about what’s bothering me and hugs me. If I ever have to tell him he’s upset me, he listens and genuinely cares. This can be is normal too.

I understand why you rationalise the shit man’s behaviour at the time, and try to fix it to keep the household together. But you can’t fix it. It’s him. And it’s abuse. And he knows it.

Well yes, how are they going to learn how to handle conflict properly? How to treat their partner with respect? We learn how to parent by watching our parents parent us and our siblings. We learn how to love by watching our parents love eachother.

Your kids will either grow up to be just like him, or hating the pair of you for making them grow up like that and making them be the "cycle breakers" that fix it themselves. This isn't a healthy environment to raise children in.

The fact that the kids don't witness arguing means nothing. (Sorry, speaking from firsthand experience here). What they need to witness is arguing, negotiation, recovery, they need to see fighting, making up, dad making mum laugh, parents being a team, being friends.

This is not a healthy dynamic and you will become more and more resentful as nothing ever gets resolved, plus rather than sitting down to discuss the issue once he's done 'processing', he just wants sex. So you've now 3 things that piss you off, the chores not getting done, the silent treatment and also it seems he only makes an effort when he wants sex. Make that 4, because the chores continue not to be done and you don't feel heard.

If he's not willing to sit down and discuss anything then it will just get worse the initial issue doesn't get resolved and you get more and more pissed off. Tbh it's making me frustrated just thinking about it.

So what, you knew what she meant ffs

I’ve learnt the saying death from a thousand cuts on here and I do truly believe that is me. Life isn’t absolutely unbearable but do I really have to deal with this shit forever?