Is this normal behaviour from DH?

[Myleaf]

12 years together, married for 3. 2 primary school kids.
his mum and dad have a very weird and resentful relationship which I can only imagine is the reason why he behaves as he does.

whenever we have an argument, he gives me the silent treatment for days on end. I have got to a point where I just give it back now because I can’t be arsed with the hassle.
so for example, we had an argument last week as he’s been off work for 5 weeks without work. I’ve been paying all of the bills. I got home from work last week after going food shopping and the whole house was like a bomb had gone off. We argued, he sat in the living room sulking like a child. Over the next couple of days whilst I was at work he did a few “chores” round the house but nothing to cry home about. Continued to give the the silent treatment. Then, usually what happens is he decides he wants sex. So he does a few things extra round the house for example, starts talking to me a little bit more. Then instead of coming to bed late or sleeping on the couch like he has done for the previous few nights, he goes to bed at the same time as me and lays there and it is very awkward because I’m still mad. We have then argued at this point before, when I tell him all he wants is sex but it gets me nowhere.

I wish I could lay all of my feelings out but he is the worst person to communicate with and the majority of the time it gets turned back on me. So we’re in a vicious cycle of this. I feel like we’re just slowly turning into his mum and dad who live in the same house but hate each other.

he gives me the silent treatment for days on end.
he’s been off work for 5 weeks without work. I’ve been paying all of the bills.
I got home from work last week after going food shopping and the whole house was like a bomb had gone off.
We argued, he did a few “chores” round the house
Continued to give the the silent treatment.
(Until he wants sex).

I've picked a couple of sentences out - he’s emotionally abusing you, he’s not working but not doing chores instead, expects you to pay for everything. What exactly is he good for? How does he support or improve your life? The usual question to anyone keeping a lazy, selfish, financially incompetent, abusive man around is "does he have a golden cock"? Apparently he does because after days of silent treatment OP has sex with him. Why?

Get rid, he will never change but your level of anger and resentment will.

I thought my DD would be devastated when I split from EA XH when she was 8yo. She was upset to start with, wanted things to ‘go back to normal’. But she admitted she’d heard more arguing than I’d realised (listening at doors, listening through the baby monitor we had for the dog!). Now she says she’s much happier without him here and doesn’t want to spend much time with him. I’m not sure she’ll have a relationship with him when she’s older.
It’s not been an easy couple of years. Financial hardship is difficult..but it was worth it.

He absolutely does not have a golden one haha! I would say our sex life has never been great to be honest. I got pregnant unexpectedly aged 18. DH was 9 years older than me. We’ve muddled through as best we can for the kids and when things are good, we get on well as people together. The kids are much more independent now and I have some of my life back. Maybe that’s what made me realise this isn’t normal.

Really amuses me when couples say ‘kids never see us argue’. As a kid, I heard every argument between my parents. I eavesdropped and heard them all and I’m very sure if u asked them now, they would say the same 🤦 well, maybe not all but quite a lot of them.

We don’t really argue though because I get nowhere. He really cannot communicate at all. Apparently his mum and dad used to write letters to each other to communicate.

They will sense the atmosphere, they will know that something doesn’t feel right. They’re not stupid

Do you really think that your children don't notice that their father doesn't speak to their mother for several days at a time?

If he thinks letters are a normal way to communicate between partners, write him a letter saying he needs to attend couples counselling or you will be leaving.

He could learn to do better but he just has to get started.

If I've got this right, you're only 30, you're the main wage earner in the house, while he doesn't contribute anything and intentionally makes your life miserable with childish, abusive behaviour.

What is the point of him? You could be free of this crap, and you're so young!

You don't need to hear shouty voices to know that Mum and Dad are fighting. I never did. I sure as fuck could tell when the atmosphere descended over the house for the week though. To be honest I'd have preferred it if they just had a row and got over it. I'd have preferred it more if they'd actually split up.

What redeeming features does your husband have OP? Why do you want to stay with him. The fact that a 27yo wanted to sleep with an 18yo is disgusting enough, before you even get to the lack of doing his bit around the house, and then expecting sex in return for chores.

Yes I’m 29. He does usually contribute financially and earns more than me but I’ve always paid all the bills, he just sends me money. Up until about 6 months ago he always contributed something but his work is drying up and so it falls on me. I guess before we lived quite comfortably and went on numerous holidays a year. Now that has his work has not been great I suppose I’ve realised I don’t depend on him as financially as much as I used to. If I wrote all my pros and cons I’d be here all day but most are cons if I’m being honest.

I don’t really need judgement about our age gap and I don’t think that is the problem although maybe the fact he had a life before we met and I didn’t, causes issues sometimes.

Sounds like he goes silent more in response to criticism than arguing as such. Valid criticism in this case, he can hardly argue against doing nothing while you are working as there are no valid excuses.
It's all a form of control, probably like getting you pregnant at an early age was, to keep you around. Abuse often gets worse after marriage as they then have more security that the other is less likely to leave, so they feel they can exercise more control.
It's no way to live, you are still young. Bear in mind, the longer you take to split, the harder it will become financially as he will be able to fight for half the assets, which you will mostly have paid for the less he earns, plus it gets harder to start again the older you are.

I do agree I wish we could just have a big argument and get it all out in the open.

Up until about 6 months ago he always contributed something but his work is drying up and so it falls on me.
What is he doing about this? Is he thinking of retraining, or is he willing to do anything to bring in some money? He needs to work as he's proved he can't/won't take on the household chores or childcare instead. So what is his solution? If he hasn't thought about it then definitely start planning to leave. Protect yourself from a lifetime of misery.

He’s got 2 weeks of work now and he’s just waiting on confirmation for the next which will last about 3 months but isn’t confirmed yet.
quite a few of his jobs come from me talking about him at work or posting on social media

OP you will get to a tipping point soon. Where the bad bits outweigh the benefits and you’ll be done.

I would tell him - next time you give me the silent treatment we are over and you will need to leave. It’s not how adults behave or sort out issues. I need a partner in life who is willing to have difficult conversations sometimes to sort out issues. Sulking and silence is cruel, solves nothing, breeds more resentment and is manipulative. No one is going to do that to me any more.

100% your children notice the silent treatment, just like he did as a child.

Is he working again now? Tell him he needs to get other part time work if his usual income source is drying up.

Yes I think this may be true. He can’t cope with any criticism . His answer was well why am I tidying up if it puts me in a bad mood, I said well who the fuck else is going to do it?
I do agree that he is controlling, but he definitely didn’t plan to get me pregnant and if anything it was my fault because of the medication I was on! I don’t think things have got any better or worse since we’ve been married, maybe my eyes are just a bit more open.

im already screwed financially, I put £100K into the house after I got inheritance and the house is equally both ours.

Such a good post.

I'm not sure a pros and cons list is the way decide whether to stay/leave. Some behaviours ought to be absolute deal breakers in a marriage; If there is no way to communicate your feelings to them, if they continuously devalue and demean you by refusing to talk to you, if they are abusive and show no remorse nor make any attempts to change, if they treat you as if you are there for them to use whether for sexual gratification, financial gain or domestic servitude... There are no amount of 'pros' on a list of pros and cons, that can balance out any one of these dehumanising behaviours.

As someone who has been in a situation where finances and circumstances initially prevented me from doing what was needed - I know how impossible it seems, but you will eventually get through and come out the other side.

I was in my early thirties and it wasn’t easy but fast forward 20 years and I’m so glad now. The saving grace is having an ok job which sustains you and the kids, even if it means selling up and starting again. You’re so young OP, you can’t live like this. Imagine a home where you and the DC are not treading on eggshells, where you’re only tidying up your own mess, relaxing together in your own way.

When you mentioned him wanting sex, I genuinely felt physically sick for you.

Oh good lord, so he can't even get jobs by himself, his wife has to do it for him.

What the hell does he do for himself? Please tell me he regularly showers without having to be asked (like a lot of lazy men on here).

Thank you. I think it’s hard for people to see why people put up with this stuff but it’s been like this for so so long that I’ve just got on with it and now it’s at a point where it’s hard to do anything about it or bring it up!
everything that you read as well about leaving and the emotional effect it has on the kids just kills me inside.

He definitely regularly showers ha. On a normal week when he is at work, he does to an extent pull his weight but I have always done more.

I hope to god you ring fenced your inheritance?

Also, is his work drying up or is he just not putting as much effort into getting it.