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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's emotional affair... Devastated.. any advice please

68 replies

herdingmonkeys · 08/04/2024 23:54

Evening all

Well I never ever thought it would happen to me. Been together 20 years, married 18. Two primary aged kids. I never ever thought he was one to look at other women and have his head turned..how wrong was I. He's deeply entrenched with a single woman, she knows he's a married man, they wanted to be together. When he told me I was devastated, in total despair, became ill. He now says he's sorry and doesn't want to lose me and the kids. It's early days but I can't see myself moving on from the total betrayal, lies upon lies and his clear infatuation and addiction to another woman. I can't stop thinking about it and obsessing about every moment these last few months (when it was a fully blown emotional affair) and years before that - when he was holding a candle for her and occasionally checking in on her.
Can I get over it with time? I'd be waiting for the next EA to happen? Just feel so lost and in despair.. its a cliche but I gave him everything.... Would appreciate any words of wisdom xxxx

OP posts:
TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 08/04/2024 23:57

Leave him.

Fuck that. He’s not going to bring you any joy from this moment on.

Crackwillow · 09/04/2024 00:00

If he is 'addicted' to the OW - that's not just going to evaporate, he may say he wants to stay with you and your kids, but he will almost certainly keep in contact with the OW or the very least be thinking of her if he is infatuated.

How can you ever be sure he isn't going to do this again and again with her? The trust has gone and that means the respect too. I don't believe there is a way back from this level of deceit and betrayal. It's hard (I know) but think of getting your ducks in a row for when he leaves or you tell him to.

Original poster
herdingmonkeys · 09/04/2024 00:07

Thank you both for your input XX much appreciated. I feel like the right thing to do is to leave him but wonder if I should give him a chance, see if he's truly remorseful and wants to properly reconcile? I'm so entrenched in his family, our finances are mixed together.. the kids are missing him (I asked him to move out to give eachother space).

OP posts:
TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 09/04/2024 00:10

You’ve said you feel the right thing is to leave. Then do that.

Have some space.

How he feels is irrelevant. Put yourself first.

Susieb2023 · 09/04/2024 00:15

Please get yourself on Surviving Infidelity.

People do and can move on from affairs if both parties want it enough and invest the time and hard work into it.

There are posters on there who will support and guide you through what remorse looks like and if your husband is good reconciliation ‘material’. There are also ways to rebuild trust and basic behaviours to ensure you feel safe again.

Reconciliation is not for everyone. You don’t have to make a decision right now as it still sounds pretty early days, take your time and research your options on all fronts. fWIW healing from infidelity takes 2-5 years whether you stay or go. Sadly your husbands selfish and entitled behaviour has set you in that rollercoaster.

I’d recommend ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ as a basic guide to what remorse should entail and look like.

Im so sorry you’re hurting I know how awful it is.

Original poster
herdingmonkeys · 09/04/2024 00:17

Thank you so much for the advice XX it's truly appreciated. I feel so alone and lost. I will get on surviving infidelity xx

OP posts:
TalktoMary · 09/04/2024 00:21

You don't have to make a decision yet, give yourself time to become stronger.

It really is a case of what do you want, what can you cope with, could you forgive, could he be truly sorry, it also depends massively on what type of people you are, is he intellegent enough to understand how much he has hurt you, many arn't.

Did he disclose this information to you willingly or was he found out ?

Make sure at the moment to look after yourself, keep eating, drinking, and rest as much as possible. x

Susieb2023 · 09/04/2024 00:24

Honestly it is an amazing site, so full of wise posters who have walked your path. Their reconciliation forum is really helpful. There are lots of us out there who did make it through and come out the other side BUT both of you have to work hard, you to heal and your husband too unpick why he’s such a selfish and entitled a’hole! The fact you’re separated is good, it’ll give you time to really see if he is fighting for you because nothing less will do. The site will be honest if they feel that he is not worth your effort, believe you and me!

whatamess100 · 09/04/2024 00:26

I forgave am emotional affair it took me 18months to get over it, i often wondered during that time if did the right thing, fast forward 2years and he went on to have a full blown affair. I should of left him the first time i would of saved myself alot of stress and upset. Hes still with the ow, he's turned into a nutcase and i dont even know who i spent 16yrs with.

Dartmoorcheffy · 09/04/2024 00:26

I wouldn't call it an emotional affair, I would call this outright cheating and betrayal. I'm so sorry and he doesn't deserve you. X

Original poster
herdingmonkeys · 09/04/2024 00:27

TalktoMary · 09/04/2024 00:21

You don't have to make a decision yet, give yourself time to become stronger.

It really is a case of what do you want, what can you cope with, could you forgive, could he be truly sorry, it also depends massively on what type of people you are, is he intellegent enough to understand how much he has hurt you, many arn't.

Did he disclose this information to you willingly or was he found out ?

Make sure at the moment to look after yourself, keep eating, drinking, and rest as much as possible. x

Disclosed it willingly. I had no idea although all the signs were there. Yes I will try to look after myself.. just lacking appetite but know I have to care for myself in order to look after my kids .. thank you for the advice it's much appreciated xx

OP posts:
Original poster
herdingmonkeys · 09/04/2024 00:27

Susieb2023 · 09/04/2024 00:24

Honestly it is an amazing site, so full of wise posters who have walked your path. Their reconciliation forum is really helpful. There are lots of us out there who did make it through and come out the other side BUT both of you have to work hard, you to heal and your husband too unpick why he’s such a selfish and entitled a’hole! The fact you’re separated is good, it’ll give you time to really see if he is fighting for you because nothing less will do. The site will be honest if they feel that he is not worth your effort, believe you and me!

Thank you, I will. Xx

OP posts:
Thisoldchestnut · 09/04/2024 00:29

Are you sure it was an EA? After all that time and infatuation I would think it had become physical? Xx

Original poster
herdingmonkeys · 09/04/2024 00:29

whatamess100 · 09/04/2024 00:26

I forgave am emotional affair it took me 18months to get over it, i often wondered during that time if did the right thing, fast forward 2years and he went on to have a full blown affair. I should of left him the first time i would of saved myself alot of stress and upset. Hes still with the ow, he's turned into a nutcase and i dont even know who i spent 16yrs with.

I'm so sorry to hear this. I truly hope you heal and thrive. It's an absolutely awful feeling isn't it. Thank you for sharing.. it is what I fear (him not getting over her or doing it again) .but I wonder if I should give him one chance.. pathetic aren't I..

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 09/04/2024 00:30

I’ve been in your position and honestly it’s awful.

I think it’s good you’ve asked him to give you space. Most importantly, you don’t need to decide anything just now. Take some time to feel your feelings, focus on you and your children and slowly figure out what you want in life.

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 09/04/2024 00:31

Just think about how your heart feels, never mind money and the kids. Think can you forgive him or not? Do you believe everything he is saying now?

then you have your answer.

I am so sorry you are going through this xx

Original poster
herdingmonkeys · 09/04/2024 00:32

Dartmoorcheffy · 09/04/2024 00:26

I wouldn't call it an emotional affair, I would call this outright cheating and betrayal. I'm so sorry and he doesn't deserve you. X

Yes a massive betrayal. I asked to see his phone and was shocked. He was talking to her 6 times a day... Hours...while I was wrangling kids .. I was such an idiot.

OP posts:
Original poster
herdingmonkeys · 09/04/2024 00:33

Thisoldchestnut · 09/04/2024 00:29

Are you sure it was an EA? After all that time and infatuation I would think it had become physical? Xx

I'm fairly sure it's not physical. She lives hours away and he would need my car .

OP posts:
Globules · 09/04/2024 00:34

My experience after 16 yrs of marriage was that I forgave him. He worked really hard to earn back my trust.

After 18 years of marriage, it happened again. He didn't work so hard to win me back that time.

So I wasn't surprised to find out again after 20 yrs. I was done trying.

XH couldn't live without the thrill of the secrecy. He's now turned into a crazy sex obsessed psycho I don't recognise.

Take time to consider your options. I get you're currently hurting like you've never known before. Try to be good to yourself. I advise bananas... Easiest thing to eat when I didn't want to eat.

All the best

Original poster
herdingmonkeys · 09/04/2024 00:35

Hiddenvoice · 09/04/2024 00:30

I’ve been in your position and honestly it’s awful.

I think it’s good you’ve asked him to give you space. Most importantly, you don’t need to decide anything just now. Take some time to feel your feelings, focus on you and your children and slowly figure out what you want in life.

Thank you... I'm trying to focus on my wellbeing.. it's so hard as I'm totally heartbroken and blind sided..

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 09/04/2024 00:36

herdingmonkeys · 09/04/2024 00:35

Thank you... I'm trying to focus on my wellbeing.. it's so hard as I'm totally heartbroken and blind sided..

Show quote history

Have you told anyone in real life? It would really help to have support. Even to have someone look after the children for a few hours and give you some space to feel heartbroken. I know it sounds silly but it did help clear my head for a while once I sat and cried it out.

Original poster
herdingmonkeys · 09/04/2024 00:37

Globules · 09/04/2024 00:34

My experience after 16 yrs of marriage was that I forgave him. He worked really hard to earn back my trust.

After 18 years of marriage, it happened again. He didn't work so hard to win me back that time.

So I wasn't surprised to find out again after 20 yrs. I was done trying.

XH couldn't live without the thrill of the secrecy. He's now turned into a crazy sex obsessed psycho I don't recognise.

Take time to consider your options. I get you're currently hurting like you've never known before. Try to be good to yourself. I advise bananas... Easiest thing to eat when I didn't want to eat.

All the best

That sounds absolutely awful... I don't know I would ever trust or love again.. 😞 I'm sorry you went through that xx

OP posts:
Original poster
herdingmonkeys · 09/04/2024 00:40

Hiddenvoice · 09/04/2024 00:36

Have you told anyone in real life? It would really help to have support. Even to have someone look after the children for a few hours and give you some space to feel heartbroken. I know it sounds silly but it did help clear my head for a while once I sat and cried it out.

Show quote history

Thank you xx ... Yes my mum and a friend. I will reach out to them for practical help .. they know we are spending time apart but don't know all the gory details.. I know they will hate him for it.. it's not my fault I know but its just so humiliating.. just want to wave a magic wand and heal from this pain.. but time is. passing slowly .

OP posts:
Original poster
herdingmonkeys · 09/04/2024 00:41

Thank you each and every one for your help.

OP posts:
TalktoMary · 09/04/2024 01:07

Disclosed it willingly. I had no idea although all the signs were there.
Yes I will try to look after myself.. just lacking appetite but know I
have to care for myself in order to look after my kids .. thank you for
the advice it's much appreciated xx

Oh, I'm sorry that must have felt like a gut punch.

Maybe that means he see's himself as not a cake eater, maybe he became so infatuated that he thought that is what he wanted, maybe the ow was very demanding.
It really depends on what type of man he is, many men will 'deny until they die', for fear of losing the family set up, or even if they do leave they want to be seen as the victim.

Why do you think he wanted to tell you ?, seeing as he is now wanting to stay, could there be part of him that enjoys making you jealous, is he a very emotional man. That's the part that doesn't make sense to me, his confession, unless he was wanting you to kick him out and then went into the I wanted to make it work and was forced into abandonning my kids routine.

Find out his motives first, there could be some serious gaslighting going on here.