Husband's emotional affair... Devastated.. any advice please

[herdingmonkeys]

Evening all

Well I never ever thought it would happen to me. Been together 20 years, married 18. Two primary aged kids. I never ever thought he was one to look at other women and have his head turned..how wrong was I. He's deeply entrenched with a single woman, she knows he's a married man, they wanted to be together. When he told me I was devastated, in total despair, became ill. He now says he's sorry and doesn't want to lose me and the kids. It's early days but I can't see myself moving on from the total betrayal, lies upon lies and his clear infatuation and addiction to another woman. I can't stop thinking about it and obsessing about every moment these last few months (when it was a fully blown emotional affair) and years before that - when he was holding a candle for her and occasionally checking in on her.
Can I get over it with time? I'd be waiting for the next EA to happen? Just feel so lost and in despair.. its a cliche but I gave him everything.... Would appreciate any words of wisdom xxxx

I'm sorry op.
Mine also said EA. It wasn't, it was physical. He refused to leave and said he'd never see or speak to her again.

He lied. Snuck around with her for 9 weeks and then left me for her. His gaslight made me unwell.

My own experience means I'd never advise anyone to stay in this situation.

If its mutual then its highly unlikely its not been physical. I'm sorry, I'm not saying this to hurt you. It's just very unlikely. Does she have a car? There are trains/buses...

You must tell people whats happened. If they hate him, we'll, he deserves it. Don't cover up for him.

Don't stay for tge kids. It's shit for them I know but they'll be off in a few years. Put yourself first. He certainly has!

What's the context of him telling you?

I'm so sorry, its so awful. Its the worst thing by far I've ever been through. Him lying to me was much worse than the affair itself.

Try and eat. Don't be scared to speak to gp if you're struggling with insomnia or anxiety or whatever. There are loads of mild meds that can make a real difference as a short - medium term support.

Also, check out chump lady.

I couldn't forgive. I couldn't forget. I'd not feel I could trust him again. Once trust is lost there's really no point in staying together. You'd be worried every day if he was texting her or someone else again. Once you know he text her 6 times in a day she must have been on his mind constantly.

If he told you they wanted to be together and at that point he was set to leave you, it's doubtful someone would take that drastic a step without it being physical.
There are opportunities people can take while at work, you'd be surprised.
Does he not have his own car that means he has to use yours? How does he get to work?
Your time to be in the driving seat, take as long as you want to decide what the future will be like, he can sweat and wait for however long it takes, meantime its good to work it out while apart as it's the only way some dumb men stand a chance of realising what they could lose.

It is totally up to you what you decide. But know the relationship you had will never be the same again.

You will wonder if it is still going on nearly everyday. The trust will be gone.

I question why he told you willingly, had someone else found out and threatened to tell you?

You need to take your time and maybe look into getting some counselling to help you work through what he has done and your future.

Oh darling you look after you … this is all
now about you and your children . You have done nothing wrong and you never deserved to be hurt so badly …. Just take your time and for sure don’t go through this alone reach out to a trusted friend or family member.
please remember that you will be ok you will , you are probably in shock at the moment and very hurt . But even though you mightn’t feel it you are strong and brave and fierce never ever forget that.

Well done for talking to your family. I'm guessing you don't want to tell them the gory details as you don't want them to think badly of him. They love him after all.

My experience was that once I told my sister the details, she helped me find my angry. She was so cross with him, it helped me be cross. Before that, I was stuck in the pain. I needed to be angry with him before I could move on.

I hope you managed to get some sleep.

I'm sorry you are dealing with such pain and distress.

It's horrific. Betrayal like this changes you forever.

You've had the wind knocked out of you. You need time to reflect, gather yourself and make decisions.

I would definitely talk to a solicitor at some point just to find out the lie of the land in terms of divorce.

In my experience, they will do it again. Your boundaries have been tested, you've reconciled and a few months or years later, you find out another affair. Because you forgave the first. Or what you thought was the first.

If he wants to make the effort to fix it (sorry didn rtft) then I'd maybe give it another go.

If he's been carrying on with her for a very long time he is not going to give her up in his mind even if he stops seeing her and communicating with her.

Your marriage is over and there is no coming back from this unless you want to have a complete nervous breakdown as you will never be able to twist him again and you will torment yourself with unwanted thoughts every time he leaves the house to go to work or anywhere without you.

I'm experiencing trying to reconcile now and it's really hard. On all the things I've been reading I see the 2-5 years whether you stay or go, but I do wonder. A lot of the posters that left seem to recover quicker than that, the stayers seem to struggle on.

@herdingmonkeys, my heart goes out to you.

Your H has spent years investing in his infatuation of OW and devaluing you and your marriage to justify his inappropriate behavior. He made hundreds of choices that led to his full-fledged addiction and affair, bargaining away his honesty, fidelity and integrity.

Has he: completely cut contact with OW; provided a detailed timeline of his infidelity which begins with his initial interest in her; and worked in IC to examine his massive selfishness and entitlement that enabled his treacherous choices?

Have you accessed IC to help process this trauma and gain clarity? I agree with @Susieb2023‘s suggestion to check out survivinginfidelity for their wise advice and excellent resources.

From your description of H’s double life [addicted, entrenched, wanted to be together, etc.] and knowledge about myself, I would not give him another chance. I wouldn’t contort myself to swallow major anxiety and mistrust on a daily basis or to watch him pine for OW.

Keep posting for support, @herdingmonkeys.

He should move out and give you space. You can’t think straight with him there. Personally I don’t think there is any going back. It’s really fucking hard but you can get through this and come out the other side a much happier stronger woman. If you stay your self esteem will never recover. Good luck

This.

I’d agree with this. My bombdrop day was June 2022, and we have lived apart since December 2022. I love my life now. I wouldn’t say I’m entirely healed, I still have the odd “uncharitable thought” in his direction and towards the woman/women he cheated on me with. And I sometimes still feel a little upset that I wasted so much of my one precious life trying to make somebody happy who didn’t truly love or value me.

But on the whole my life is great and I’m so much better than I was. I have peace in my day to day life and have gained a lot of clarity from my freedom. I can see that I projected all my own values onto him and applied them to his (often vague) words to find meaning that just wasn’t there. It’s been a journey I never wanted to go on but it’s really like I have emerged out of the fog.

One thing I’ve learned that hasn’t yet been mentioned is that it is very often a lot worse than you know. STBXH confessed, and then I discovered so much more (and so much worse) with a little digging, so be prepared that this may not be the full story.

You need Chump Lady. Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life.

I went through similar, I tried to make the relationship work for another 3 years but it didn't.

Looking back I might have been able to forgive a drunken shag, but the lies, deceit, and emotional energy he put into the EA devastated me. It was the premeditated behaviour I ultimately couldn't get past. It marred every special occasion we had, birthdays, anniversaries and things that happened during the time of the affair I no longer wanted to celebrate with him. It was truly awful.

Also steel yourself for other skeletons coming out, first of all it was an EA, then he met her for coffee, then he'd kissed her, and about 3 years later I found out he'd actually slept with her several times.

Do yourself a huge favour and leave him now.

No second chances. This was not one mistake, but as you say, lies upon lies, over a sustained period. He knew it would hurt you but he did it anyway to please himself. Put yourself first. The betrayal will always be there. I'm so sorry.

@Solost24 those who leave do recover quicker.

That's because the rug can no longer be pulled from under them by a cheater.

They no longer have to doubt every word said to them because now it doesn't matter what lies their ex wants to tell them.

They have found their own mental peace.

I wouldn’t because you will never, ever be able to trust him again.
The deceit, lies and manipulation would kill any feelings for him.

Leave this selfish entitled liar. You'll never be able to trust the stupid childish idiot again. Utterly selfish with no regard for his children. What a disgrace. And the woman must be nuts.

Another vote for chumplady - her book, website and facebook group kept me sane.

How did it all come out in the open? Did he just blurt it out over the cornflakes, or did you ask him about your suspicions? It's a horrible situation but make the choice yours not his.

It is really tough going- I was 38 and had been married for 20 years and had 3 children when I found out that my then husband had been having an affair. There was a very weird period. We tried to make it work again-I have no idea why - but I just couldn’t do it. I asked him to leave. I just couldn’t trust anything he said.
I would always say now that if you have to worry about your partner (where is he, what is he doing etc) you don’t have a partner worth worrying about.
I have now been married for coming up to 20 years. My ex is married to the person he had the affair with.
Back yourself and make yourself happy.

I'm sorry there's yet another man who has destroyed their wife. With weak entitled cheating betrayal.
However you say "he had his head turned"... It makes me despair. The world is full of temptation whether its chocolate or an attractive young secretary.
She is indeed young, single & willing, but HE has responsibilities, a home, children & a loyal wife who he once chose to marry in front if his whole family & friends.

He has owned up because he has made promises to the OW. & keeps stalling.
She has told him she is going to tell you.
OR, someone you know has seen them together.
He has had to make a decision to stay or go. At the moment he is playing at remorse. But will he be able to break his "addiction" ?
Unlikely

Hi OP, sorry you’re going through such an awful time -
lots of us have been there, done that and come out the other side happier than before, so please don’t despair.

Perhaps question why it is you feel like you should give him another chance - because he’s begging, because you don’t want to be the one to properly end the relationship, because of the DC? Whatever the motivation, take your time and think it through. None of this now is about him and what he wants. He’s proven to be a liar, cheat and selfish manipulator - he’s literally not someone you recognise as the person you thought you married. This is about your emotional survival and mental health. If your gut is telling you that it’s over, then there’s a real reason for that!

Don’t get sucked into the sunk costs fallacy. Yes, you’ve spent 20 years with this man, but that doesn’t mean you’re obligated to spend another 2/3/5/10 whatever, flogging a dead horse. For me, once the trust was broken then the marriage was over. If someone repeatedly lies and essentially pisses all over a marriage, then there’s no point in trying to salvage what’s clearly unsalvageable.

I read a bit of a cheesy thing but it rang true for me “Trust is like a glass bottle - once it’s broken you can’t just put it back together and fill it back up”.

I couldn’t even contemplate trying to ’move on’ with my ex, once I discovered his deceit and betrayal he disgusted me and made my skin crawl. But, some people do stay together and forgive (although I’m sure they never forget).

From everything I’ve read it actually seems like divorcing is the easiest option, however difficult that is, because in a couple of years it’s done and you’ve moved on to a new
life with a new ‘normal’ (and hopefully feel much happier). Staying together looks like a really, really hard
slog where both parties have to put in an awful lot of work. And then it can still come back to bite you on the arse years and years later. Only you can decide if it’a worth the time, effort and emotional trauma of trying to rebuild your
marriage to this man - and it’s not something you can just forgive and move on from, he has to be willing to give his all to fixing and rebuilding the very foundations of your life together.

I wouldn’t bother, to be honest. Good luck