Page 3 | Husband's emotional affair... Devastated.. any advice please

herdingmonkeys · 2024-04-08T22:54:34+00:00

Evening all Well I never ever thought it would happen to me. Been together 20 years, married 18. Two primary aged kids. I never ever thought he was one to look at other women and have his head turned..how wrong was I. He's deeply entrenched with a single woman, she knows he's a married man, they wanted to be together. When he told me I was devastated, in total despair, became ill. He now says he's sorry and doesn't want to lose me and the kids. It's early days but I can't see myself moving on from the total betrayal, lies upon lies and his clear infatuation and addiction to another woman. I can't stop thinking about it and obsessing about every moment these last few months (when it was a fully blown emotional affair) and years before that - when he was holding a candle for her and occasionally checking in on her. Can I get over it with time? I'd be waiting for the next EA to happen? Just feel so lost and in despair.. its a cliche but I gave him everything.... Would appreciate any words of wisdom xxxx

Secondstart1001 · 09/04/2024 09:25

I think what a lot of posters say it pretty on target … the details come out slowly and get worse and worse. I’m sorry this has happened to you x

Axx · 09/04/2024 09:29

From being on here for so long I'd say you'll need to brace yourself. They don't often tell the full truth

Hellebor · 09/04/2024 09:30

If he was talking to her often yet they were some distance apart (not a physical relationship) then it sounds like he's created some sort of fantasyland in his head. Were they actually speaking or was it mainly texting?

TakeOnFlea · 09/04/2024 09:30

Emotional affair my arse. Every single time they've been shagging for ages. Men are so fucking predictable.

Get rid before he messes with your head any more. He's about to spend the next couple of years turning into someone you do not recognise, get out and get divorced while he still feels that he has to be fair towards you.

StringTheory1 · 09/04/2024 09:37

MsDogLady · 09/04/2024 07:05

@herdingmonkeys, my heart goes out to you.

Your H has spent years investing in his infatuation of OW and devaluing you and your marriage to justify his inappropriate behavior. He made hundreds of choices that led to his full-fledged addiction and affair, bargaining away his honesty, fidelity and integrity.

Has he: completely cut contact with OW; provided a detailed timeline of his infidelity which begins with his initial interest in her; and worked in IC to examine his massive selfishness and entitlement that enabled his treacherous choices?

Have you accessed IC to help process this trauma and gain clarity? I agree with @Susieb2023‘s suggestion to check out survivinginfidelity for their wise advice and excellent resources.

From your description of H’s double life [addicted, entrenched, wanted to be together, etc.] and knowledge about myself, I would not give him another chance. I wouldn’t contort myself to swallow major anxiety and mistrust on a daily basis or to watch him pine for OW.

Keep posting for support, @herdingmonkeys.

This is such a well-worded, wise, and beautifully written post.

👏🏻 💐

Mix56 · 09/04/2024 09:38

Another unfortunate fact is that when or if you don't reconcile. He is going to be angry, you will become the enemy, for breaking up the family, for bombing his finances. You drove him to look elsewhere. Not attentive, bla bla bla.
Be ready.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/04/2024 09:46

He's told you about the affair because he wants you to be the one who ends it.

Seaoftroubles · 09/04/2024 09:56

OP you will recover more quickly if you take charge and end it. Otherwise you will always be second guessing his every move and thought. Why should you waste your precious time trying to understand why he chose to treat you with such massive disrespect and disloyalty? I would not give him a other chance to hurt you.You will never be able to trust him again and that's no way to live.

Thecheatswife · 09/04/2024 10:07

Didsomeonesaydogs · 09/04/2024 07:57

I’d agree with this. My bombdrop day was June 2022, and we have lived apart since December 2022. I love my life now. I wouldn’t say I’m entirely healed, I still have the odd “uncharitable thought” in his direction and towards the woman/women he cheated on me with. And I sometimes still feel a little upset that I wasted so much of my one precious life trying to make somebody happy who didn’t truly love or value me.

But on the whole my life is great and I’m so much better than I was. I have peace in my day to day life and have gained a lot of clarity from my freedom. I can see that I projected all my own values onto him and applied them to his (often vague) words to find meaning that just wasn’t there. It’s been a journey I never wanted to go on but it’s really like I have emerged out of the fog.

One thing I’ve learned that hasn’t yet been mentioned is that it is very often a lot worse than you know. STBXH confessed, and then I discovered so much more (and so much worse) with a little digging, so be prepared that this may not be the full story.

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I agree with this. My husband of 20+ years ‘confessed’ the bare minimum at first. I say confessed but that isn’t entirely true. I caught him out and he couldn’t deny what was in front of his eyes. However I then dug like I never knew I could I found out so much more.

Mine was leading a completely separate digital life. He was utterly controlled and obsessed by it. The EA had been going on for 3.5 years. I know for sure it wasn’t physical as she was abroad. And before anyone says - yes she was very much real. I know this 100%. They exchanged multiple WhatsApp’s a day, photos, videos and just generally shared their lives. When I found out it was like a bomb going off. She literally knew every inch of my life and I didn’t have a clue.

Anyhow, we are now 2.5 later. I am as sure as I can be that it is over. I can 100 per cent say if I ever found a shred of evidence it wasn’t, then I would divorce him without a second thought. It’s been the hardest 2.5 years of my life.

Bumblebeeinatree · 09/04/2024 10:13

If the OW is physically untouchable I suppose it becomes like a fantasy world, until it's found out, and then it turns into a nightmare for everyone.

Didsomeonesaydogs · 09/04/2024 11:54

Aquamarine1029 · 09/04/2024 09:46

He's told you about the affair because he wants you to be the one who ends it.

This was definitely true in my case. I think there’s no down side for them in this scenario.

If (as in my case) the wife ends the marriage, he’s not the bad guy who pulled the plug and he can do the sad sausage act and say he wanted to work on it but mean old wifey didn’t give him the chance.

If the wife insists on him ending the affair, he’s not the bad guy to the affair partner - and he gets the added benefit of the wife doing the pick me dance to keep him from wandering again.

terfinthewild · 09/04/2024 12:11

The harsh reality is that if he wants her then eventually he will go to her. If he really wants to make it work with you, he will - you won't have to force him and in many ways there's not much you can do except draw all of that energy inwards and start taking care of yourself and your children and creating the best life you can for yourself and them. I can only imagine how hard that is but you can do it and you will be happy again eventually with or without him. Hold your head high and keep your dignity in tact. No tears for him, let your mum and your friends hold that space for you. Take your time and don't settle for less than you are worth. Best of luck to you.

PerceptionIsReality · 09/04/2024 12:12

herdingmonkeys · 09/04/2024 00:07

Thank you both for your input XX much appreciated. I feel like the right thing to do is to leave him but wonder if I should give him a chance, see if he's truly remorseful and wants to properly reconcile? I'm so entrenched in his family, our finances are mixed together.. the kids are missing him (I asked him to move out to give eachother space).

And if he doesn't? How much worse are you going to feel then.

He'll be with you day in day out, probably with you feeling quite miserable which makes him feel guilty. Meanwhile OW is "over there" just out of reach representing all the green grass he could ever hope for.

There is unlikely to be anything positive here for you here feeling the way you do. I would say to leave (or kick him out) and make your own happiness. Maybe you would then reconcile, maybe you will not. But either way is better than dealing with this from scratch 6-12 months down the line.

BigAnne · 09/04/2024 12:17

terfinthewild · 09/04/2024 12:11

The harsh reality is that if he wants her then eventually he will go to her. If he really wants to make it work with you, he will - you won't have to force him and in many ways there's not much you can do except draw all of that energy inwards and start taking care of yourself and your children and creating the best life you can for yourself and them. I can only imagine how hard that is but you can do it and you will be happy again eventually with or without him. Hold your head high and keep your dignity in tact. No tears for him, let your mum and your friends hold that space for you. Take your time and don't settle for less than you are worth. Best of luck to you.

Even if the OP stays she'll never be truly happy again. I don't think it's possible to get over such betrayal. I speak from experience.

Globules · 09/04/2024 12:27

Thecheatswife · 09/04/2024 10:07

I agree with this. My husband of 20+ years ‘confessed’ the bare minimum at first. I say confessed but that isn’t entirely true. I caught him out and he couldn’t deny what was in front of his eyes. However I then dug like I never knew I could I found out so much more.

Mine was leading a completely separate digital life. He was utterly controlled and obsessed by it. The EA had been going on for 3.5 years. I know for sure it wasn’t physical as she was abroad. And before anyone says - yes she was very much real. I know this 100%. They exchanged multiple WhatsApp’s a day, photos, videos and just generally shared their lives. When I found out it was like a bomb going off. She literally knew every inch of my life and I didn’t have a clue.

Anyhow, we are now 2.5 later. I am as sure as I can be that it is over. I can 100 per cent say if I ever found a shred of evidence it wasn’t, then I would divorce him without a second thought. It’s been the hardest 2.5 years of my life.

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This sounds very much like the first time I discovered XH's cheating. Intense talking, messaging, skyping, sexting with a woman abroad over months. I believed nothing physical had occurred, but there were a few things I couldn't quite put my finger on.

Second time I discovered his cheating, again all the evidence I found was solely online with women, and men, abroad. But again, there were a few local online connections I couldn't explain.

Third time the overwhelming evidence was pointing to a woman abroad. But this time my digging uncovered messages on Fab arranging a couple of local meet ups. I can't 100% say XH went, but I can't 100% say that he didn't either. All the previous messages that I couldn't quite explain when I'd tried to forgive his online cheating before all seemed to make sense in the light of this. So whilst things aren't concrete that he met up with someone locally, things are very implied. As implied as they had been the previous 2 times when I thought he'd only been online with people abroad...I just hadn't been able to work it out.

So whilst I never had a shred of evidence at the time either, I had an inkling. Be very much on your guard @Thecheatswife XH needed the kick from having a secret life and he couldn't give it up to be normal again. I truly hope your H is a better man than I had, but keep your ear to the ground. It's no way to live, but if you're determined to make things work, then you'll need to keep everything peeled for what he could be up to.

yawnanotherone · 09/04/2024 12:42

I'm going through the same thing OP - two weeks in and still can't get my head around it. I have a moping sad sack inn the house disrupting DS GCSE revision, crying that he has nowhere to go, etc - I am being driven slowly crazy, so I hope you get your space to get your head together. For me there is no coming back from his betrayal and the apocalyptic consequences (he has lost his job over it). I don't need to know the gory details or dig any further to know I am worth so much more. I hope you start to feel that way too - you are a much much better person than he will ever be

Franticbutterfly · 09/04/2024 12:48

Im so sorry you are going through this. It's is so painful, you question everything, and everything feels so uncertain. I have no real advice because I didn't LTB (twice), just to say that you don't have to decide on anything straight away.

Gettingonmygoat · 09/04/2024 14:25

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 08/04/2024 23:57

Leave him.

Fuck that. He’s not going to bring you any joy from this moment on.

Having been in your situation i can assure you you will never trust him again, every happy family occasion will be dulled by this. Please just end it. It isn't better for the children to stay together, it is hell for them. Get hold of every thing you need and put him out. Be civil but remember you call the shots now. A year from now you will feel so much better.