Anyone find it tough in relationship where you don't yet live together?

loveyoutothemoon · 2024-04-07T18:26:48+00:00

I have been with my boyfriend for 14 months. Never believed in soul mates or twin flames etc but I believe that this is the case here. He treats me so well and we're deeply in love, he has a heart of gold and never had a connection like this. We are definitely enjoying this stage but tonight when he's gone I feel like my right arm is missing. We have tentatively spoke about moving in together when the kids are older (mine are late teens, his mid teens) as we don't live very close so would disrupt them all if we did it now, plus I don't think either of us are interested in blending families. I know people will be saying just enjoy your time and things might change when you move in together etc and I'm not really looking for advice, just some similar stories from people and just to share feelings. Thanks.

BoxOfCats · 07/04/2024 19:48

I've been with mine for 11 months, everything s going brilliantly, but we live at opposite ends of the same city. Usually see each other at weekends and one night during the week.

I miss him terribly and would love for him to move in, but for various reasons it's a bit too soon for him yet. In some ways it's great that the time we spend together is quality time, and that we look forward so much to seeing each other. But I do miss him a lot so I can relate!

Original poster

loveyoutothemoon · 07/04/2024 19:58

@BoxOfCats hi, thank you for your reply 😊

It's good to hear that you're too very happy. I get what you're saying about looking forward to seeing each other, we really do and I think it keeps every alive doesn't it. But I find it quite painful when I've not seen him, even after a day!

Never had a relationship like this before, we connect so incredibly well in all ways.

Do you both have kids?

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Chocaholicnightmare · 07/04/2024 20:00

I can totally relate and I'm sorry how sad you feel when he has gone. I've been with my partner since lockdown and we are very much in love. Same as you re kids/ blended families. We do really lovely things when we are together and I think the fact that we aren't together all the time means that we spend real quality time together/go away- and are probably the envy of others who live together/ have been married a long time, as we still appear to be in the 'honeymoon' stage.

Others ask me when we're going to live together/ get married and I say that now is not the right time. I would love to wake up with him every day, but I know that his kids need him to themselves sometimes/it wouldn't logistically work to blend families. I think my children prefer it that way it is but they are always keen to spend time with him.

I have a busy work and social life and I feel fulfilled in so many ways. My ex was quite controlling, so I enjoy this liberating feeling. My partner and I don't discuss the future, and I think that there's no point saying 'in five years etc' because life is uncertain/ what's the point in planning so far ahead. I feel you're still fairly early on in your relationship and I would recommend that you enjoy it and the freedom it gives.

I bumped into an acquaintance whose partner moved in with her and her kids. I would say that things for her had certainly become more mundane, so I hold onto that! You will get there, but don't focus on it as an 'end goal'. Plan nice things and focus on building your relationship with your kids and friendships too x

WotNoUserName · 07/04/2024 20:07

Ooh yes, I get this! I've been with my DP 4 years and love him to bits. I miss him so much when I'm not with him, yet I also don't want to live with him at the moment. I said I'd never live with someone ever again. I then changed that to not while my kids are under 18. The youngest is 17 this year.

We've never actually discussed living together anyway, so he may not want to (especially as on our first date I overshared completely and told him I never ever wanted to live with a man ever again, no way!)

I've spent the weekend with him and now I'm home I'm sad and miss him. I'm a mass of contradictions!

NeurodivergentBurnout · 07/04/2024 20:07

Similar here..almost 18 months in. Younger kids, aged between 12 and 5 so moving in together would be a lot! We live an hour apart so we usually spend alternate weekends together and some weekends with the kids. It’s nice and I’d expect we will be this way for a long time but we have never really had a big talk about the future.

WishesPromised · 07/04/2024 20:09

Moving in together kills the spark. Stay separate, enjoy the longing. You'll be sad when you're picking up his pants and cleaning the loo after he leaves it in a mess.

MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns · 07/04/2024 20:10

I've been with my DP for 10 years. He has a DD16 the same age as mine and I also have a DS13. We will move in together at some point, but not until DS is at least 16. We see each other at weekends and go on holidays. It suits us and a lot of my friends say we have the best of both worlds.

RandomForest · 07/04/2024 20:16

There's gonna be a load of rose coloured spectacles flying off in the years to come here 😂

Blushingm · 07/04/2024 20:17

I'm in a similar position. I've been with DP 2 years

My Dc are 17 & 22 so almost independent. His are 11 & 14. If we moved in right now we'd need at least 5 bedrooms. Maybe when they're older we can. I love nights when I stay with him but miss him when I don't

QueenCremant · 07/04/2024 20:22

Same here. 4 years, 1 hour apart. Either of us can’t move because of kids.
its nice in that we have quality time when we do see each other but we’d love to live together

Darhon · 07/04/2024 20:35

I’m coming up to 3 years, 2 hours apart. We’ve still a few obstacles before we can live together. Though we did a stretch of a few months. I loved it.

Secondstart1001 · 07/04/2024 21:00

My dp and I don’t live together yet and we’ve been together nearly 4 years! I have older kids to waiting for the teen to go to uni as she’s not interested in a blended family though my tween is. His kids are 8 and 10 … we get to spend 7 days and nights together out of 14 as my kids are with ExH 50% of the time. But I 100% feel you, I do miss him so much especially this time of the evening when kids are studying / doing their own thing and im
missing his company and cuddles 🥲

Secondstart1001 · 07/04/2024 21:01

Ohhh and yes we live about an hour apart so can never just pop in for a cuppa or a quickie 😂

Original poster

loveyoutothemoon · 07/04/2024 21:23

Thank you for all the replies, read them all!

I know things would change if we moved in together. Saying that though, he keeps his house very clean and tidy and helps me out here (without any prompting whatsover) way more than any other man ever has.

Thank you again, it's nice for people to share their stories.

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Loubelou14 · 07/04/2024 22:18

I could cry reading this. I'm currently feeling so low after having a lovely weekend with him. We say when mine leave home but they're 21 and 18 and I can't imagine this ever happening. We've been together 2 years. I compare his house to mine and feel his is much nicer. I don't want to move and doubt I would. I can't see him living here. It all feels so pointless. I feel I've talked to my friends so much about this they don't understand so I try to deal with it on my own. I don't tell him how fed up I am either. I feel there's no solution and it makes me feel so sad. I wish I could appreciate what we have but it doesn't feel enough.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 07/04/2024 22:25

I actually really enjoyed this part of my relationship with now DH , I lived alone in my little flat he lived in a house share with a friend. We'd spend most weekends at my place but sometimes his as it was in a nicer part of London for socialising etc. It gradually crept so he would be with me from Thursday night to Monday morning, but I liked going to work, gym, spending some time on my own, having friends over without the change in dynamic and it was exciting to see him after a few days apart. We did this for about two years and then his tenancy was coming to an end, he got a new job locally to me and it made sense to move in together and start saving for a bigger house, which was also great, but I think it's best to enjoy the benefits of the stage you're at.

mysterymama343 · 07/04/2024 22:34

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Secondstart1001 · 07/04/2024 22:35

@Loubelou14 surely your DC will move out at some point. Don’t compromise your happiness forever … I don’t intend to, I’ve compromised for now as older Dd has exams so I’ve put her first and given her anything she’s wanted but as adults that sacrifice so much, it’s not selfish to let ourselves be happy too x

Loubelou14 · 08/04/2024 06:51

Secondstart1001 · 07/04/2024 22:35

@Loubelou14 surely your DC will move out at some point. Don’t compromise your happiness forever … I don’t intend to, I’ve compromised for now as older Dd has exams so I’ve put her first and given her anything she’s wanted but as adults that sacrifice so much, it’s not selfish to let ourselves be happy too x

I can't see that happening for a long time...10 years maybe. Especially with the cost of property. I suppose if they met long term partners themselves.

NewYearSameOldStuff · 08/04/2024 07:01

My dp and I have been together for 16 months and live about 45 mins apart. We have 4 kids between us age 10-16.
We see each other 3/4 nights a week, he doesn’t like to come to mine as it was the house I shared with my ex and I can’t move.
He struggles with this as he always feel like he is alone but it suits me at the moment.
We would probably move in together when the kids are a lot older.
We both find it very frustrating at times and not enough time together is one of our main issues.

Original poster

loveyoutothemoon · 08/04/2024 09:20

Chocaholicnightmare · 07/04/2024 20:00

I can totally relate and I'm sorry how sad you feel when he has gone. I've been with my partner since lockdown and we are very much in love. Same as you re kids/ blended families. We do really lovely things when we are together and I think the fact that we aren't together all the time means that we spend real quality time together/go away- and are probably the envy of others who live together/ have been married a long time, as we still appear to be in the 'honeymoon' stage.

Others ask me when we're going to live together/ get married and I say that now is not the right time. I would love to wake up with him every day, but I know that his kids need him to themselves sometimes/it wouldn't logistically work to blend families. I think my children prefer it that way it is but they are always keen to spend time with him.

I have a busy work and social life and I feel fulfilled in so many ways. My ex was quite controlling, so I enjoy this liberating feeling. My partner and I don't discuss the future, and I think that there's no point saying 'in five years etc' because life is uncertain/ what's the point in planning so far ahead. I feel you're still fairly early on in your relationship and I would recommend that you enjoy it and the freedom it gives.

I bumped into an acquaintance whose partner moved in with her and her kids. I would say that things for her had certainly become more mundane, so I hold onto that! You will get there, but don't focus on it as an 'end goal'. Plan nice things and focus on building your relationship with your kids and friendships too x

Thank you for your story and reply. So glad you have a fulfilling life! I will carry on enjoying what we have. A relationship needs to build slowly doesn't it and I'm really happy with it so far.

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Original poster

loveyoutothemoon · 08/04/2024 09:24

WotNoUserName · 07/04/2024 20:07

Ooh yes, I get this! I've been with my DP 4 years and love him to bits. I miss him so much when I'm not with him, yet I also don't want to live with him at the moment. I said I'd never live with someone ever again. I then changed that to not while my kids are under 18. The youngest is 17 this year.

We've never actually discussed living together anyway, so he may not want to (especially as on our first date I overshared completely and told him I never ever wanted to live with a man ever again, no way!)

I've spent the weekend with him and now I'm home I'm sad and miss him. I'm a mass of contradictions!

Thank you for your reply.

I said that too, which is understandable after a terrible relationship. When I met him I told him that I was happy to find someone but not have them live in my pockets, he agreed! We now would love to live with each other.

Sorry you miss yours so much too.

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Original poster

loveyoutothemoon · 08/04/2024 09:26

NeurodivergentBurnout · 07/04/2024 20:07

Similar here..almost 18 months in. Younger kids, aged between 12 and 5 so moving in together would be a lot! We live an hour apart so we usually spend alternate weekends together and some weekends with the kids. It’s nice and I’d expect we will be this way for a long time but we have never really had a big talk about the future.

Thank you for your reply. It's difficult isn't it when you don't live close, especially when you need them urgently for something like emotional support. Your kids are still very young too.

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Original poster

loveyoutothemoon · 08/04/2024 09:28

WishesPromised · 07/04/2024 20:09

Moving in together kills the spark. Stay separate, enjoy the longing. You'll be sad when you're picking up his pants and cleaning the loo after he leaves it in a mess.

Thank you. I will enjoy the longing!

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Original poster

loveyoutothemoon · 08/04/2024 09:29

MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns · 07/04/2024 20:10

I've been with my DP for 10 years. He has a DD16 the same age as mine and I also have a DS13. We will move in together at some point, but not until DS is at least 16. We see each other at weekends and go on holidays. It suits us and a lot of my friends say we have the best of both worlds.

Thank you.

Glad your set up is suiting you. Do you live close to each other?

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