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Original poster

Anyone find it tough in relationship where you don't yet live together?

60 replies

loveyoutothemoon · 07/04/2024 19:26

I have been with my boyfriend for 14 months. Never believed in soul mates or twin flames etc but I believe that this is the case here. He treats me so well and we're deeply in love, he has a heart of gold and never had a connection like this.

We are definitely enjoying this stage but tonight when he's gone I feel like my right arm is missing.

We have tentatively spoke about moving in together when the kids are older (mine are late teens, his mid teens) as we don't live very close so would disrupt them all if we did it now, plus I don't think either of us are interested in blending families.

I know people will be saying just enjoy your time and things might change when you move in together etc and I'm not really looking for advice, just some similar stories from people and just to share feelings.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 08/04/2024 09:34

Blushingm · 07/04/2024 20:17

I'm in a similar position. I've been with DP 2 years

My Dc are 17 & 22 so almost independent. His are 11 & 14. If we moved in right now we'd need at least 5 bedrooms. Maybe when they're older we can. I love nights when I stay with him but miss him when I don't

Thank you for your reply.

Do you think you'd leave it a few years or even longer? The likely scenario for us would probably be me moving in with him but his are even younger than mine and need their dad more than ever, especially because they don't get on as well will their mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 08/04/2024 09:36

QueenCremant · 07/04/2024 20:22

Same here. 4 years, 1 hour apart. Either of us can’t move because of kids.
its nice in that we have quality time when we do see each other but we’d love to live together

How old are your kids?

OP posts:
Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 08/04/2024 09:38

Darhon · 07/04/2024 20:35

I’m coming up to 3 years, 2 hours apart. We’ve still a few obstacles before we can live together. Though we did a stretch of a few months. I loved it.

Wow that's a fair distance! You sound like you're less far away from being together than us.

OP posts:
Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 08/04/2024 09:41

Secondstart1001 · 07/04/2024 21:00

My dp and I don’t live together yet and we’ve been together nearly 4 years! I have older kids to waiting for the teen to go to uni as she’s not interested in a blended family though my tween is. His kids are 8 and 10 … we get to spend 7 days and nights together out of 14 as my kids are with ExH 50% of the time. But I 100% feel you, I do miss him so much especially this time of the evening when kids are studying / doing their own thing and im
missing his company and cuddles 🥲

Thank you.

Would his kids be interested in blending?

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 08/04/2024 09:43

We had nearly ten years together living about an hour apart. Although it was tedious to have belongings spread across two locations and the fresh milk always seemed to be in the 'other' place, now I look back on those years as idyllic

In that time we had not one cross word because there was nothing to argue about

When we finally (sic) moved in together we seemed to spend the first year together arguing I lot of the things that seemed to have no problem with when in my house he wasn't prepared to do in his own home. And vice versa.

If I really could 'turn back time' I would never have moved in together.

However much it feels at the moment that you need him to make your life better, I would strongly urge you to work on your own life so you are content by yourself and he only enhances your life, rather than making it liveable.

Thats a much much better place to be.

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 08/04/2024 09:45

Loubelou14 · 07/04/2024 22:18

I could cry reading this. I'm currently feeling so low after having a lovely weekend with him. We say when mine leave home but they're 21 and 18 and I can't imagine this ever happening. We've been together 2 years. I compare his house to mine and feel his is much nicer. I don't want to move and doubt I would. I can't see him living here. It all feels so pointless. I feel I've talked to my friends so much about this they don't understand so I try to deal with it on my own. I don't tell him how fed up I am either. I feel there's no solution and it makes me feel so sad. I wish I could appreciate what we have but it doesn't feel enough.

Thank you.

I'm sorry it gets you down. I also feel more comfortable at his house, better area and neighbours. Is there no interest in blending families?

OP posts:
Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 08/04/2024 09:49

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 07/04/2024 22:25

I actually really enjoyed this part of my relationship with now DH , I lived alone in my little flat he lived in a house share with a friend. We'd spend most weekends at my place but sometimes his as it was in a nicer part of London for socialising etc. It gradually crept so he would be with me from Thursday night to Monday morning, but I liked going to work, gym, spending some time on my own, having friends over without the change in dynamic and it was exciting to see him after a few days apart. We did this for about two years and then his tenancy was coming to an end, he got a new job locally to me and it made sense to move in together and start saving for a bigger house, which was also great, but I think it's best to enjoy the benefits of the stage you're at.

Thank you.

Sounds like you did it slowly and you're happy. Good for you.

I shall enjoy it, tough sometimes when you miss them so much.

OP posts:
MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 08/04/2024 09:51

@loveyoutothemoon it didn't feel exceptionally slow I don't think I would've moved in with a partner much sooner, although I'd known DH for years as friends prior to our relationship.
We're still together and doing well fifteen years on though, so there's something to be said for not rushing things and maintaining yourselves and interests outside of the relationship

Saltandvinegarsquares30 · 08/04/2024 09:52

Just enjoy your time together. I've been with my DP nearly 8 years and we have seperate houses. His kids are adults but mine were/are still young (11 and 14 now). I adore this man and see us growing old together but at the same time I like the set up. My kids go to their dads 50% so we've always had plenty time together. We spend time with kids too. I like being independent, I like that I'm. It being pulled in 3 directions and when the time is right we will live together. For now tho, we are both 100% committed and the set up works for now. Plus we both have cats who would hate each other 😂

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 08/04/2024 09:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Thank you.

Wow, 6 years. So glad it worked out for the best and moving in was the absolute right thing to do.

OP posts:
Deargodletitgo · 08/04/2024 09:56

We are in this situation, two years together, 4 kids between us aged 10 to 16. I have mine half time, DP only EOW, but one child doesn't want to use that time.

We do want to move into each other and it would support our financial goals
We are thinking of him moving in with me, and then but together in a few years.

Currently soft launching the idea with him being here a night a week with my kids here

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 08/04/2024 09:56

NewYearSameOldStuff · 08/04/2024 07:01

My dp and I have been together for 16 months and live about 45 mins apart. We have 4 kids between us age 10-16.
We see each other 3/4 nights a week, he doesn’t like to come to mine as it was the house I shared with my ex and I can’t move.
He struggles with this as he always feel like he is alone but it suits me at the moment.
We would probably move in together when the kids are a lot older.
We both find it very frustrating at times and not enough time together is one of our main issues.

Sorry you both find it hard. We struggle with lack of time together too, we don't get many weekends together but I see it as a positive for him and his kids as they're at an age where they're relying on him lots and he's moulding them massively at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 08/04/2024 10:03

FinallyHere · 08/04/2024 09:43

We had nearly ten years together living about an hour apart. Although it was tedious to have belongings spread across two locations and the fresh milk always seemed to be in the 'other' place, now I look back on those years as idyllic

In that time we had not one cross word because there was nothing to argue about

When we finally (sic) moved in together we seemed to spend the first year together arguing I lot of the things that seemed to have no problem with when in my house he wasn't prepared to do in his own home. And vice versa.

If I really could 'turn back time' I would never have moved in together.

However much it feels at the moment that you need him to make your life better, I would strongly urge you to work on your own life so you are content by yourself and he only enhances your life, rather than making it liveable.

Thats a much much better place to be.

Thank you.

That's interesting, I'm sorry that it didn't work out as planned. Do you really wish that you could go back to that? What kind of things did he have a problem with?

OP posts:
Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 08/04/2024 10:05

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 08/04/2024 09:51

@loveyoutothemoon it didn't feel exceptionally slow I don't think I would've moved in with a partner much sooner, although I'd known DH for years as friends prior to our relationship.
We're still together and doing well fifteen years on though, so there's something to be said for not rushing things and maintaining yourselves and interests outside of the relationship

That's brilliant. I take what you say on board, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 08/04/2024 10:08

Saltandvinegarsquares30 · 08/04/2024 09:52

Just enjoy your time together. I've been with my DP nearly 8 years and we have seperate houses. His kids are adults but mine were/are still young (11 and 14 now). I adore this man and see us growing old together but at the same time I like the set up. My kids go to their dads 50% so we've always had plenty time together. We spend time with kids too. I like being independent, I like that I'm. It being pulled in 3 directions and when the time is right we will live together. For now tho, we are both 100% committed and the set up works for now. Plus we both have cats who would hate each other 😂

Edited

Thank you.

That's brilliant, pleased for you.

OP posts:
Clementine183 · 08/04/2024 10:09

Yes I can relate too! Only been together 11 months so relatively early days, but it's more the knowledge that it'll be a couple of years minimum before we can realistically think about moving in together... lots to juggle and sort out with house stuff on both our parts, plus an ongoing financial divorce settlement for me dragging on, plus the consideration of my daughter (12) who is very keen on my partner but who we have to treat carefully as she's had a bad time with my ex who's an alcoholic and pretty neglectful - so want to feel absolutely sure and confident of doing the right thing by her at the right time.

Having written it all down I know it's the right thing to wait, but I am impatient! - and miss him a lot when he isn't here. We're managing to carve out about three nights a week together - he's more flexible than I am as he has no kids, so it's usually him coming to me and I'm worried he'll get fed up of all the travelling long-term as we're 60 miles apart. That said, we've both been very open about being committed and talking about the long-term plan...so hopefully all will work out, but it's hard when you feel so enthusiastic and just want to move things forward.

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 08/04/2024 10:09

Deargodletitgo · 08/04/2024 09:56

We are in this situation, two years together, 4 kids between us aged 10 to 16. I have mine half time, DP only EOW, but one child doesn't want to use that time.

We do want to move into each other and it would support our financial goals
We are thinking of him moving in with me, and then but together in a few years.

Currently soft launching the idea with him being here a night a week with my kids here

Good luck!

OP posts:
Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 08/04/2024 10:12

Clementine183 · 08/04/2024 10:09

Yes I can relate too! Only been together 11 months so relatively early days, but it's more the knowledge that it'll be a couple of years minimum before we can realistically think about moving in together... lots to juggle and sort out with house stuff on both our parts, plus an ongoing financial divorce settlement for me dragging on, plus the consideration of my daughter (12) who is very keen on my partner but who we have to treat carefully as she's had a bad time with my ex who's an alcoholic and pretty neglectful - so want to feel absolutely sure and confident of doing the right thing by her at the right time.

Having written it all down I know it's the right thing to wait, but I am impatient! - and miss him a lot when he isn't here. We're managing to carve out about three nights a week together - he's more flexible than I am as he has no kids, so it's usually him coming to me and I'm worried he'll get fed up of all the travelling long-term as we're 60 miles apart. That said, we've both been very open about being committed and talking about the long-term plan...so hopefully all will work out, but it's hard when you feel so enthusiastic and just want to move things forward.

Thank you.

Similar to me then. We want the best of both worlds don't we, it's nice in a way but can be very frustrating.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 08/04/2024 10:13

It was more about having to negotiate everything from loo seat up or down, how the kitchen was organised to how tidy we kept the place. Everything.single.thing

I suppose the worst part for me was his propensity , no matter how much storage space we added, he filled it up and left his things lying around outside the storage.

I live for clear, tidy spaces

We ended up dividing all the space into his or hers. He can dump stuff in his spaces so long as he leaves mine clear. It's really important for my mental health to have a calm environment in which to live.

He does have a propensity to drop stuff on any clear space. I think of it like a dog marking its territory.

Separate homes really is for me the way forward. Visit as much as you like but let me have my own space. O

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 08/04/2024 10:19

FinallyHere · 08/04/2024 10:13

It was more about having to negotiate everything from loo seat up or down, how the kitchen was organised to how tidy we kept the place. Everything.single.thing

I suppose the worst part for me was his propensity , no matter how much storage space we added, he filled it up and left his things lying around outside the storage.

I live for clear, tidy spaces

We ended up dividing all the space into his or hers. He can dump stuff in his spaces so long as he leaves mine clear. It's really important for my mental health to have a calm environment in which to live.

He does have a propensity to drop stuff on any clear space. I think of it like a dog marking its territory.

Separate homes really is for me the way forward. Visit as much as you like but let me have my own space. O

Ah I see. It's a shame that you clashed with that and you didn't anticipate it, I suppose there's always going to be something that surprises you when you move in with them.

Luckily we're very alike on tidiness, but them I suppose you thought you were too!

OP posts:
Loubelou14 · 08/04/2024 10:51

loveyoutothemoon · 08/04/2024 09:45

Thank you.

I'm sorry it gets you down. I also feel more comfortable at his house, better area and neighbours. Is there no interest in blending families?

Show quote history

He has no children so he'd only blend with mine. He's not long bought his house and I have no plans to move. Mine is better located but his seems nicer because it's all new. I can't see how we could fit him in with all his belongings. He wants me to see his house as mine too. As somewhere we can share but I just feel like it's all so temporary but at the same time no plan or goals. Just at some point... probably retirement. I'm trying to come to terms with it really. I know he adores me but I want to feel like a normal couple.

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 08/04/2024 15:01

Loubelou14 · 08/04/2024 10:51

He has no children so he'd only blend with mine. He's not long bought his house and I have no plans to move. Mine is better located but his seems nicer because it's all new. I can't see how we could fit him in with all his belongings. He wants me to see his house as mine too. As somewhere we can share but I just feel like it's all so temporary but at the same time no plan or goals. Just at some point... probably retirement. I'm trying to come to terms with it really. I know he adores me but I want to feel like a normal couple.

Show quote history

My apologies. What a tough situation for you, could it help maybe if you talk about it to him, might not change the situation but help you release some tension around it. I don't blame you for wanting to be like a normal couple.

I could be in a similar situation where things might not change even after a few years. Sometimes I don't have a weekend with him for weeks (although I'll see him in the week sometimes), but this is something I have to deal with as I love him and he's amazing.

Do you have your own house? Difficult when you both enjoy where you live. I'd move from here tomorrow if I could (renting) and he is happy where he is (owned) 20 miles away but he'd have me there if I could.

OP posts:
Deargodletitgo · 08/04/2024 16:16

I find that it feels like you really aren't a couple, I feel single in the sense that anything with the house, or car, or finances...it's all me.

Floopani · 08/04/2024 16:39

Yes, we just did this for ten years as we didn't want to blend families. Also had long periods during COVID not seeing each other in person at all as the bubbles were too complicated. We got through it all, strong as ever, moved in together at Christmas just gone, it's been amazing. We both work at home too 😂 maybe it's still honeymoon moving in period, but we just seem to get along nicely the way we always have.