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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Weird week with DP - advice as think I am getting dumped

65 replies

Tiredgrumpyhormones · 07/04/2024 10:40

I am moving into my shiny new home in a few weeks. Currently sorting furniture and moving my stuff. Very excited.

i was staying with my DP of 2 years for last 10 months at his house. His house is over an hour from work and 40 mins from my friends in a rural place. It was really kind of him to let me stay and store my stuff. He says not to pay bills, so I have been buying food, cooking and cleaning had been a 75% split on me. Before I moved in we had an amazing relationship. Not now, mostly due to his moods and my tiredness.

I haven’t settled at his as I am constantly tired with commuting. I was used to living close to a city so had places to go near by and public transport and my house was the place people dropped in. I had a great life. I know some of this makes me look boring, but I didn’t realise how isolated and lonely you can feel away from friends.

at his I have just lived and saved as it’s awkward to go out. I can drive but I don’t go out often, as previously I had the luxury of closeness and my friends have their own families. He has lived his life as normal and goes out to the local with his friends for a weekly lads night, plays his computer games. My social life paused cause of distance. We stopped doing things together as he said as we see each other everyday - he became lazy and sex is infrequent. I used to make plans, but due to his bad lifestyle he is always tired and cancels or forgets. his weekends are getting drunk on a Friday, eating a kebab, getting heartburn during night and tiredness rest of weekend so he doesn’t want to do anything. I think before as we had to travel and plan he wasn’t this bad.

so I got the keys to my house. Excited and doing things. He was not really interested in helping in the run up, but suddenly he is. He has helped lots by putting up lights and building things. My furniture is coming on a day I am off and my friend who is a handy man is helping me put up things and my best friend who loves building furniture. I didn’t ask my DP to take a day annual leave as it’s my house and I am organised and he said previously he hates diy. Annoyingly I asked for help and was told he may be working or is rubbish at diy.

Suddenly he has taken day off work and went in a mood that I have arranged help. I have given him a job to do and said extra hands are welcome. but he has now said he wants to sleep. If I have a house full no point in coming round.

He has gone silent on me as the day comes closer I move out. He complained about my snoring the other day and I joked only a week to go. He said don’t mention it and stop talking about it.

He went in a huff as I arranged movers on a day he had football. Told him no help is needed as I have paid people to move , but will need help when it arrives at my house after football if he wants to come then. Maybe stay first night with me. He said maybe.

I really don’t know what to do. The plan was always me moving to a new build house. Just took a bit longer to build. We have talked about future and he likes my area but is worried he will kids his social connections. We agreed to trial living apart but still seeing each other loads - my house is 10 mins from his work.

suppose I am asking why the weird behaviour. I just have a feeling I may be getting dumped and he has been mr nice guy whilst I move out. My dad thinks he is scared of losing me as DP is not really the talkative / sharing feelings guy.

OP posts:
GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 07/04/2024 10:59

You sound fab and he sounds like a dead weight. Ditch him and enjoy your gorgeous new shiny home @Tiredgrumpyhormones Grin

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/04/2024 11:11

I wouldn't even dream of having him living with me! You've tried living with him and it didn't work. Enjoy your lovely new home!

StrawberryWater · 07/04/2024 11:31

He sounds like a loser and showed you the real him when you moved in with him (a lazy moody bozo who isn't interested in doing anything unless it benefits him) so believe him. Absolutely do not let him move in with you! Get rid of him and go and live your best life.

HippyCritical · 07/04/2024 11:34

Is he Mr Nice Guy in front of other people?

He doesn't seem to like it when you make plans that don't involve him.

What, if you read back what you've said living with him was like, is it that has you doubting?

He's shown you who he is, do you think he's going to change, for the better?

I really don’t know what to do.

For a start I'd say don't let him be the one to make all the decisions. You sound like you've got plenty of get up and go, you're getting your lovely new house sorted the way you want it, you'll be back to having a life. Live that life, see how things pan out with Mr Heartburn if you want to, but don't stop living your life the way you want to.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 07/04/2024 11:37

Hes upset he's losing his chef and cleaner and he'll have to do it himself

Livinghappy · 07/04/2024 11:38

I think you have reached the 2 year stage, end of honeymoon and your differences are showing. Take heed. This is a man whose lifestyle isnt compatible to you and that won't change.

I imagine he had enjoyed you living there as he hadn't had to make any effort and now you live apart he will have to step up...probably doesn't feel great for him as he has got used to an easy life.

kiwiane · 07/04/2024 11:41

Set your standards higher - you dump him and have a fresh start!

Emmylou22 · 07/04/2024 11:41

He sounds exhausting. Easy for me to say, but I think you should move into your new home and get on with your fabulous life! Cut him loose. Stop thinking about how he feels and what he wants. Think about how confused and miserable he makes you. You're the prize and he can't see it.

Believe me, I've just ended a relationship that was exhausting and unenjoyable. I realised I deserve better. It won't get better with him. Take this opportunity to start afresh.

PlasticOno · 07/04/2024 11:41

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/04/2024 11:11

I wouldn't even dream of having him living with me! You've tried living with him and it didn't work. Enjoy your lovely new home!

This. It turns out this was a really useful experiment in cohabitation, even if you didn’t intend it as such. He does sound like a deadweight, and I agree with pps, you’re giving him way too much power. Take control of your own life, get things back that make you happy, ditch Heartburn Kebab Man and enjoy your new home.

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 07/04/2024 11:43

Ditch your old life including him and congratulations on your new one... Much better without him I am betting.

JamesPringle · 07/04/2024 11:44

It sounds to me like he's scared of losing you more than he has an intention to dump you.

IncompleteSenten · 07/04/2024 11:45

Sounds like what he's going to miss is live in maid service

BaronessBomburst · 07/04/2024 11:45

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 07/04/2024 11:37

Hes upset he's losing his chef and cleaner and he'll have to do it himself

This was my first thought too. He's sulking.

ShoNuff · 07/04/2024 11:45

Agree with previous posters.

The relationship hasn’t survived the ‘living together’ test.

His true colours - boring, lazy, moody and not particularly pleasant - have been revealed.

Cut your losses.

Cornydogs · 07/04/2024 11:47

My dad thinks he is scared of losing me as DP is not really the talkative / sharing feelings guy.

I think similar - he probably feels insecure as he knows he is quite moody and that you were happier in your old place. And his ego may be a bit bruised as he had secretly thought you’d want to stay forever. You’ve had a taste of living with him and I guess you can now properly consider if he’s someone you’d like to have as a life partner.

his weekends are getting drunk on a Friday, eating a kebab, getting heartburn during night and tiredness rest of weekend so he doesn’t want to do anything. I think before as we had to travel and plan he wasn’t this bad.

How old is he? This definitely wouldn’t be my type of guy but everyone’s different you need to think about if you’ll be happy with living like this in the long term or if you’d be ok with going out and doing your own thing every weekend while he gets drunk.

I told a guy once that I loved going out to eat, theatre, cooking, traveling and sightseeing. In response he said he liked spending his free time drinking a bottle of wine at home or in the corner of a wine bar.

I was amazed he thought I’d still be interested, and I quickly told him we were totally incompatible.

3luckystars · 07/04/2024 11:48

I agree, you are lucky you got the preview so you know what he is like to live with now. Good luck.

StrawberryWater · 07/04/2024 11:50

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 07/04/2024 11:37

Hes upset he's losing his chef and cleaner and he'll have to do it himself

Yep, he's throwing a man tantrum.

Crikeyalmighty · 07/04/2024 11:54

Clearly thought you intended to stay put and rather liked the on tap 'wifey' you do sound out of his league to be honest- what's his advantages??

GreyCarpet · 07/04/2024 11:56

Why are you posting here because you're thinking about dumping him?

Nothing you've said makes him sound desirable and you can't wait toove out akd get your old life back.

Surely this has shown you that you're just incompatible?

TenderChicken · 07/04/2024 11:58

I was reading your OP thinking you don't sound very compatible. Tbh he doesn't sound like much fun in general.

5128gap · 07/04/2024 12:41

He's sulking because he doesn't want you to go. While you've lived there he has been living an improved version of his usual life, business as usual, but with a financial contribution, cleaning, and sex and companionship, with zero effort required. You, on the other hand, have been living a worse life than usual. This is a stark message that while the relationship works for him, it doesn't for you. Rather than worrying about being dumped I'd be considering dumping him.

unbelievablescenes · 07/04/2024 12:42

He sounds an absolute drag. If you ever had kids this relationship would go south rapidly and your life would be a nightmare. You sound fun loving, he sounds like a slob. You can do better, even if that's being on your own.

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 07/04/2024 14:12

You are fun, adventurous and taking an exciting step. He’s a boring, lazy, moody gamer. He’s a millstone.

Dump him first, move into your amazing new home, be happy.

TheSnowyOwl · 07/04/2024 14:16

Sounds like he is annoyed he will be doing his own cooking and cleaning again to me as well.

From what you have described, it sounds an awful excuse of a relationship. Surely it’s naturally come to an end now and this is a good time for you to have a new start and move on.

Cathbrownlow · 07/04/2024 14:20

I agree with others who say he is sulking. I wonder if he's also a bit jealous of you and your shiny new home. Congratulations on your new home!