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Original poster

Weird week with DP - advice as think I am getting dumped

65 replies

Tiredgrumpyhormones · 07/04/2024 10:40

I am moving into my shiny new home in a few weeks. Currently sorting furniture and moving my stuff. Very excited.

i was staying with my DP of 2 years for last 10 months at his house. His house is over an hour from work and 40 mins from my friends in a rural place. It was really kind of him to let me stay and store my stuff. He says not to pay bills, so I have been buying food, cooking and cleaning had been a 75% split on me. Before I moved in we had an amazing relationship. Not now, mostly due to his moods and my tiredness.

I haven’t settled at his as I am constantly tired with commuting. I was used to living close to a city so had places to go near by and public transport and my house was the place people dropped in. I had a great life. I know some of this makes me look boring, but I didn’t realise how isolated and lonely you can feel away from friends.

at his I have just lived and saved as it’s awkward to go out. I can drive but I don’t go out often, as previously I had the luxury of closeness and my friends have their own families. He has lived his life as normal and goes out to the local with his friends for a weekly lads night, plays his computer games. My social life paused cause of distance. We stopped doing things together as he said as we see each other everyday - he became lazy and sex is infrequent. I used to make plans, but due to his bad lifestyle he is always tired and cancels or forgets. his weekends are getting drunk on a Friday, eating a kebab, getting heartburn during night and tiredness rest of weekend so he doesn’t want to do anything. I think before as we had to travel and plan he wasn’t this bad.

so I got the keys to my house. Excited and doing things. He was not really interested in helping in the run up, but suddenly he is. He has helped lots by putting up lights and building things. My furniture is coming on a day I am off and my friend who is a handy man is helping me put up things and my best friend who loves building furniture. I didn’t ask my DP to take a day annual leave as it’s my house and I am organised and he said previously he hates diy. Annoyingly I asked for help and was told he may be working or is rubbish at diy.

Suddenly he has taken day off work and went in a mood that I have arranged help. I have given him a job to do and said extra hands are welcome. but he has now said he wants to sleep. If I have a house full no point in coming round.

He has gone silent on me as the day comes closer I move out. He complained about my snoring the other day and I joked only a week to go. He said don’t mention it and stop talking about it.

He went in a huff as I arranged movers on a day he had football. Told him no help is needed as I have paid people to move , but will need help when it arrives at my house after football if he wants to come then. Maybe stay first night with me. He said maybe.

I really don’t know what to do. The plan was always me moving to a new build house. Just took a bit longer to build. We have talked about future and he likes my area but is worried he will kids his social connections. We agreed to trial living apart but still seeing each other loads - my house is 10 mins from his work.

suppose I am asking why the weird behaviour. I just have a feeling I may be getting dumped and he has been mr nice guy whilst I move out. My dad thinks he is scared of losing me as DP is not really the talkative / sharing feelings guy.

OP posts:
unsync · 07/04/2024 14:50

He's realised he losing his maid and cook and doesn't like it. Go back to your fabulous life that you lost when you moved in with him and find someone who actually appreciates you and knows how to communicate like an adult.

GreyCarpet · 07/04/2024 15:11

Cornydogs · 07/04/2024 11:47

My dad thinks he is scared of losing me as DP is not really the talkative / sharing feelings guy.

I think similar - he probably feels insecure as he knows he is quite moody and that you were happier in your old place. And his ego may be a bit bruised as he had secretly thought you’d want to stay forever. You’ve had a taste of living with him and I guess you can now properly consider if he’s someone you’d like to have as a life partner.

his weekends are getting drunk on a Friday, eating a kebab, getting heartburn during night and tiredness rest of weekend so he doesn’t want to do anything. I think before as we had to travel and plan he wasn’t this bad.

How old is he? This definitely wouldn’t be my type of guy but everyone’s different you need to think about if you’ll be happy with living like this in the long term or if you’d be ok with going out and doing your own thing every weekend while he gets drunk.

I told a guy once that I loved going out to eat, theatre, cooking, traveling and sightseeing. In response he said he liked spending his free time drinking a bottle of wine at home or in the corner of a wine bar.

I was amazed he thought I’d still be interested, and I quickly told him we were totally incompatible.

Edited

I agree with this.

It's more realistic than the overly simplistic - he's sulking because he's losing his maid 🙄

I'd say it's because he can see himself that he's not 'good enough' for you in that he can't offer you what you want, is a bit dull and moody etc.

He sees you're excited about moving in to your own place; getting your old life back and, realistically, he knows his days are numbered.

Alstreena · 07/04/2024 15:13

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 07/04/2024 11:37

Hes upset he's losing his chef and cleaner and he'll have to do it himself

You got it in one !

GreyCarpet · 07/04/2024 15:13

I think he is also thinking that he's getting dumped.

I don't think he's offering to help because he wants rid of you, I think he's offering to help to try and show you he can be different.

I think I'd have gone off him by now I'd I were you though.

LipstickLil · 07/04/2024 15:17

I'm really struggling to see what he brings to your life - plus two years into your relationship and you're moving out into your own place? I think that speaks volumes. I'd be ending it myself, if I were you. He sounds like a dead weight and you don't sound well suited at all. He sounds complacent and dull, while you have a full life.

Springisroundthecorner · 07/04/2024 15:23

Whilst it's great he allowed you stay with him rent free for so long, now he's sulking because he's losing his maid and cook and he can see you're excited to move out without him and don't "need" him so much.

Move out and take time to consider whether you want a future with someone whose social life revolves around getting drunk with his mates, eating kebabs and gaming, rather than doing things as a couple. That kind of lifestyle is ok when your early 20s but he sounds mentally stuck at this age and isn't moving forward with his life like you are.

GreyCarpet · 07/04/2024 15:25

I think all the people suggesting that the OP is nothing more than a cook and cleaner to her boyfriend are being a bit unfair to her tbh.

He might actually, you know, like her but just be really crap and boring!

Pinkbonbon · 07/04/2024 15:43

I think I agree with your dad. He likes (well I'm not sure that's the right word) ...he wants you as an in-house skivey. Possibly prefers you cut off from your friends. So it can be all about him. He's threatened by this new independence you will have. He wants you to worry he'll dump you.

As others have said, he's dead weight, get rid.
Thank him for having you and call it a day.

70sdisco · 07/04/2024 15:47

I also think he is a bit jealous. You are excited and moving on and possibly leaving him behind. Who wants to live like he does?

NancyPickford · 07/04/2024 17:26

@StrawberryWater a mantrum.

icelolly12 · 07/04/2024 18:33

ditch Heartburn Kebab Man and enjoy your new home.

Laughing my head off at this, but also hear hear!

Original poster
Tiredgrumpyhormones · 07/04/2024 19:38

Thanks all. I do love him. Before I moved in he was always wanting to do things. Now he will do things, but not with me. I wanted to see a band. He said he didn’t know them so no. But previously he had come to bands without knowing a song. Interestingly he would have gone if it was his brother or friend asking.

He just got boring with me. I am aware I am a bit boring at the moment, but I am suggesting things and he says no to me. Too tired is always the excuse. But will go out with friends.

yesterday afternoon he said he was only going out for a few. He comes home at 1am. Eats a dirty take away. I wake up at 3am and find him sleeping on the couch and get him to bed. Then he wakes us both up with heartburn and spends the day sleeping. Says he shouldn’t have gone be out as was tired!! This is the pattern every weekend.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 07/04/2024 19:49

I'd sack him off then.

I presume you've highlighted this pattern to him? What does he say?

You might love him but he's not showing you that he moves you, is he? Is this really what you want your life to look like?

He doesn't feel the need to make the effort to go out to see you because you're there at home all the time at the moment. Even if this changes when you move out, you now know exactly what living with him in the future would look like.

Pumpkinpie1 · 07/04/2024 22:44

OP why do you care?
You don’t seem to have anything in common , aren’t happy together.
Living together has highlighted your differences.
Time to breakup & find someone who makes you happy. Not somebody you are with out of habit

Original poster
Tiredgrumpyhormones · 07/04/2024 22:50

@Pumpkinpie1 i know. I do care as I am sad a good thing that is happening to me he is not sharing or celebrating with me. we had lots in common when we first started to date. He just seems to have decided to drink than explore or create new experiences.

but suppose if I am not happy he can’t be happy too. maybe this is his way to avoid me

OP posts:
Queenofcarrotflour · 07/04/2024 22:53

I think he liked you living with him, the lifestyle worked for him, and now he doesn't really want you to move out.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 07/04/2024 22:57

He sounds awful. Lazy in the relationship. Lack of effort towards you. I dont know why you would want a future with him.

dullestofall · 07/04/2024 22:57

Seems like he is upset that he will be losing a maid and a cook who buys the food to cook.

He had been taking you for granted.

I’d have a new house new me mindset and LTB.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 07/04/2024 22:58

Queenofcarrotflour · 07/04/2024 22:53

I think he liked you living with him, the lifestyle worked for him, and now he doesn't really want you to move out.

Im bit surprised he liked it…

so I have been buying food, cooking and cleaning had been a 75% split on me.
he has been living the life of riley.

SleepPrettyDarling · 07/04/2024 23:03

Isn’t it great that you can cheerfully say ‘but it was only ever temporary, love!’ as you start your fabulous new life in your new home.

dullestofall · 07/04/2024 23:05

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 07/04/2024 22:58

Im bit surprised he liked it…

so I have been buying food, cooking and cleaning had been a 75% split on me.
he has been living the life of riley.

Show quote history

With sex too when he can be bothered

Lolacoala · 07/04/2024 23:23

He is self-centred, apathetic and lazy in this relationship. Wave him goodbye. Enthusiastically.

BirthdayRainbow · 07/04/2024 23:26

TBH he doesn't sound scared of losing you. But you know if your dad is good at this stuff.

chrisfromcardiff · 07/04/2024 23:29

Tiredgrumpyhormones · 07/04/2024 19:38

Thanks all. I do love him. Before I moved in he was always wanting to do things. Now he will do things, but not with me. I wanted to see a band. He said he didn’t know them so no. But previously he had come to bands without knowing a song. Interestingly he would have gone if it was his brother or friend asking.

He just got boring with me. I am aware I am a bit boring at the moment, but I am suggesting things and he says no to me. Too tired is always the excuse. But will go out with friends.

yesterday afternoon he said he was only going out for a few. He comes home at 1am. Eats a dirty take away. I wake up at 3am and find him sleeping on the couch and get him to bed. Then he wakes us both up with heartburn and spends the day sleeping. Says he shouldn’t have gone be out as was tired!! This is the pattern every weekend.

Read this post over when you are questioning why you will be better off without him. He is a bore and a drag on your life. I am excited for you in your brand new home that you get to live in without him. Very good job, OP!

Tilandsia · 07/04/2024 23:29

I read something earlier that said unless you demand it, often men will only put in the effort when they’re trying to get you and when they’re trying to win you back. I agree with PP, he’s worrying that his cushty deal is about to end.

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