Weird week with DP - advice as think I am getting dumped

[Tiredgrumpyhormones]

I am moving into my shiny new home in a few weeks. Currently sorting furniture and moving my stuff. Very excited.

i was staying with my DP of 2 years for last 10 months at his house. His house is over an hour from work and 40 mins from my friends in a rural place. It was really kind of him to let me stay and store my stuff. He says not to pay bills, so I have been buying food, cooking and cleaning had been a 75% split on me. Before I moved in we had an amazing relationship. Not now, mostly due to his moods and my tiredness.

I haven’t settled at his as I am constantly tired with commuting. I was used to living close to a city so had places to go near by and public transport and my house was the place people dropped in. I had a great life. I know some of this makes me look boring, but I didn’t realise how isolated and lonely you can feel away from friends.

at his I have just lived and saved as it’s awkward to go out. I can drive but I don’t go out often, as previously I had the luxury of closeness and my friends have their own families. He has lived his life as normal and goes out to the local with his friends for a weekly lads night, plays his computer games. My social life paused cause of distance. We stopped doing things together as he said as we see each other everyday - he became lazy and sex is infrequent. I used to make plans, but due to his bad lifestyle he is always tired and cancels or forgets. his weekends are getting drunk on a Friday, eating a kebab, getting heartburn during night and tiredness rest of weekend so he doesn’t want to do anything. I think before as we had to travel and plan he wasn’t this bad.

so I got the keys to my house. Excited and doing things. He was not really interested in helping in the run up, but suddenly he is. He has helped lots by putting up lights and building things. My furniture is coming on a day I am off and my friend who is a handy man is helping me put up things and my best friend who loves building furniture. I didn’t ask my DP to take a day annual leave as it’s my house and I am organised and he said previously he hates diy. Annoyingly I asked for help and was told he may be working or is rubbish at diy.

Suddenly he has taken day off work and went in a mood that I have arranged help. I have given him a job to do and said extra hands are welcome. but he has now said he wants to sleep. If I have a house full no point in coming round.

He has gone silent on me as the day comes closer I move out. He complained about my snoring the other day and I joked only a week to go. He said don’t mention it and stop talking about it.

He went in a huff as I arranged movers on a day he had football. Told him no help is needed as I have paid people to move , but will need help when it arrives at my house after football if he wants to come then. Maybe stay first night with me. He said maybe.

I really don’t know what to do. The plan was always me moving to a new build house. Just took a bit longer to build. We have talked about future and he likes my area but is worried he will kids his social connections. We agreed to trial living apart but still seeing each other loads - my house is 10 mins from his work.

suppose I am asking why the weird behaviour. I just have a feeling I may be getting dumped and he has been mr nice guy whilst I move out. My dad thinks he is scared of losing me as DP is not really the talkative / sharing feelings guy.

we had lots in common when we first started to date

It may well have been an act on his part, he may have been mirroring you, to show you how alike and suited you were. Now you have seen the real him; the man who has more time for his friends than you, the man who puts getting drunk and heartburn above a nice evening with you, the man who is too tired.

It is sad that something you thought was or should have been a good thing hasn't turned out to be but you've got your lovely new house and so much to look forward to. Let him have his heartburn with his friends and sleep it off the rest of the weekend while you go and live your life. You may be sad that the relationship didn't work out to begin with but you'll soon be so far down the road in a different direction you'll find yourself not thinking about it/him more and more.

. I wanted to see a band. He said he didn’t know them so no. But previously he had come to bands without knowing a song. Interestingly he would have gone if it was his brother or friend asking.

He just got boring with me. I am aware I am a bit boring at the moment, but I am suggesting things and he says no to me. Too tired is always the excuse. But will go out with friends.

He stopped putting in the effort to impress and please you now he feels comfortable with you.

If you’re not happy with this, I suggest you sit down with him and have a serious conversation saying that in the long term you’d like him to stay consistent in making an effort to go out whether you are living together or not.

And also point out the fact that he makes that effort when it’s his friends who want to go out.

I agree with the pp who said he may have been mirroring at the start . I remember a guy I dated was very upbeat and energetic the first few months, but then once we started staying in at his flat over the weekends it was like he couldn’t keep the mask up 24/7. I discovered he was actually quite grumpy, and tired and went to bed much earlier than I’d have liked which made things a bit dull. He was also less affectionate with me in the privacy of his home, than he was with me in a bar or restaurant which was strange.

I did raise my concerns with him but he was super defensive about it and I soon realised this was just who he was so unfortunately I had to end things.

hopefully Op, your partner will be more open to listening and responding to your concerns.

I think you may be right about mirroring. He wasn’t love bombing me, but was keen. Wanted to be round me loads. I remember him staying at mine for days at a time. he didn’t go out much except his Friday night.

building furniture together he was really controlling and everything was wrong or I did it wrong. Not that he couldn’t do it.

I think I am close to being done

A mantrum?

I think your dad is right, and what with you happily moving out, looking forward to your new place, refusing his help and being tired of him slobbing around eating kebabs, I'd say your dp is is right to be worried that you are about to dump him.
Hope you both find someone more compatible :)

You're not boring.

You sound dynamic, fun and interesting.

He does not sound at all fun.

He's also deliberately doing stuff to upset you. Like refusing all your suggestions. Getting drunk so he can't do stuff the next day.

He's snubbing you.

Whether you love him or not is irrelevant.

He's treating you horribly.

Why are you putting up with it and being so understanding? He's a boring oik who is being dismissive of you.

I would go to my new, shiny home (congratulations) and revel in it. I certainly wouldn't be inviting him to put a downer in it all.

Start to fade from his view and get on with having some fun with your friends.

He’s mad because he will have to make an effort again, or not see you. For 10 months he’s been able to make no effort at all. I think you’re done though.

Your lifestyles are not compatible when you're living together!! Sounds like the honeymoon period has well and truly ended.

Do you love him and want to be with him? Or is this time for a fresh start?

The building furniture thing was the first sign I remember of my XHs abuse. Of course I didn't know what it was then. Even when things were great putting together furniture with him was a horrible experience that made me want to disappear inside myself where I couldn't feel or conversely kick him really hard Everything was always someone else's fault. . It was the real him showing himself.

I am not refusing his help. He was not interested in helping so I organised myself. He was late to the party.

I think it has come to an end. Yesterday he was again trying to control my furniture building and doing it wrong. It was causing an atmosphere so my friend left. I was nearly in tears. But I think as I have my house I am frustrated, tired and stressed.

You don't sound at all compatible.

I think you'll see that when you're living on your own and enjoying your life again.

Would it be too far fetched to see his building the furniture wrong as a deliberate hijacking act, in an attempt to ruin your joy at your new home?

The biggest red flag is that you’re not able to sit down and talk about it all. The second guessing how he feels doesn’t bode well for a real adult relationship.

I have talked to him and all he says is that nothing will change. He can’t seem to understand it will.

I think he is trying to be useful or assuming I can’t do anything for myself. I have independent for years and more than capable.

i am Starting to think he is seeing that. The difference here is I am more than capable for asking for help and would have loved him to be part of this. But months of listening to him saying it’s my house do what you want. Don’t asked me to help as rubbish at diy etc. I went and sorted it myself. He only joined the help parade a few days ago and instantly tried to take over.

He’s “wife-zoned” you - stopped seeing you as a friend and an equal. I think his behaviour around the furniture is part sticking his oar in to be in control, part anxiety about you not needing him, and part a sort of resentful obligation. It’s obviously really annoyed him that you sorted everything yourself. Not good. Good luck in your new home!