Am I a bad daughter?

[bad2daughter]

This happened many years ago but it frequently pops into my mind. An impending visit by my parents is causing anxiety again about.

Imo my parents weren't the best parents. I was born in the 90s. I don't have many "happy" childhood memories. I remember being belittled on an almost daily basis from my earliest memories, called "stupid", told to "shut up", "you should hear yourself, you should listen to yourself" etc. it was normal that myself and my siblings were hit with wooden spoon/plastic spoon. I also recall being choked by my mother on a couple of occasions.

I wonder sometimes if I have dramatised my own memories, like maybe it wasn't daily? Maybe I remember it all wrong and it wasn't as bad as I keep thinking?

I also remember myself to be a well behaved child. But could I have this wrong? I know I did very well at school, I was absolutely terrified of getting into trouble (probably because of home?). I didn't really do a lot of go out a lot until I rebelled around age 15/16 and left home shortly after.

Anyway. I have children myself. I was visiting my parents when my eldest was around three, I also had a new baby. My eldest was being a bit boisterous/tantrums but nothing horrendous. Obviously a lot of change with a new baby. I was just doing some time outs and more gentle methods. I'd never physically harm my kids, because of my memories of my upbringing.

My mother said to be that my son needed a good "belting" to sort him out. I calmly said that I didn't use physical punishment on my kids (I really don't think I said this in a way to make my mum feel bad I just said it like matter of factly).

My mum said red and said "I KNOW what you are getting at there!!! I KNOW what you are saying about me!!! You think you are better than me!!!" And on and on you get the idea. She told me I was a hideously naughty child and I had no idea and to "just wait" and see when my kids are older if "I'm so good" then.

She didn't really speak to me for about 9-10 months after this.

My eldest is a teenager now and such a good lad, never in any trouble and always helpful and respectful and home and at school.

I think sometimes I don't know why I ever made up with them. But I've always been so terrified of my parents, I'm terrified of falling out with them, even though I don't like them very much and I don't think they were good parents.

They are coming to visit soon. They've been okay grandparents. I don't live near them anymore and haven't for a long time so never been in the position of leaving my own children with them and don't think I would have felt comfortable to anyway, given how I feel my childhood was.

But last time they visited, they actually asked me if they were good parents, and they said they think they were! I didn't know how to answer so sort of just changed the topic quickly but I'm worried of questions like this again.

If I said I had not good memories of my childhood or answered honestly, I know my mother would fly off the handle at me again.

I just don't know what to do sometimes and don't feel like I can be honest with them or anyone else about my childhood.

You’re lucky they’re alive and you have the chance to tell them they were shit parents.

My Dad was the best father ever. He was loving and fair. But the house was run by my mother who passed away when I was a teenager. She was abusive but loving at the same time and it’s left me confused my whole life.

I’m still angry at her for some of the things she did to me as a child, but I have no one to say it to. It’s really hard dealing with angry feelings when you can’t shout at the person and make them see what they did.

For this reason, I’d say you should tell them straight out how you feel. And if they go no contact after that, then it’s on them. Not you. It’s worse when they’re dead. You’re not a bad daughter at all.

Sounds a lot like my childhood. It's just how things were back then. I actually think it was the best time to grow up and made me who I am today. Me and my siblings quite often have a laugh about the things our parents used to do to us and our kids don't believe us as it would never happen nowadays. No point in getting worked up about it is the way I see it they can't turn back time.

I'm still referred to as an absolute bitch and have been since I was a child.

Your parents physically and emotionally abused you and by their questioning it sounds like on some level they know it was wrong but they want you to say their parenting was fine.

They’re continuing to emotionally abuse you. I wouldn’t allow these people around my children.

Was it normal to strangle children in the 90s?

I know smacking was more common at some points in the past.

I remember going to school feeling so embarrassed as a child, that I was being "smacked" around at home.

I just remember being constantly terrified.

I find it so hard to say some things aloud. I still have such an intense fear of upsetting them.

I also remember my Dad just sitting at the family computer watching porn in front of us as kids. It's never left me.

I want to tell him he was a shit Dad and I remember all this.

Oh my darling. No my sweet. It wasn’t normal- and not only did you not deserve what was done to you, they didn’t deserve you as a daughter.

You are so resilient, and you’re breaking that generational cycle of trauma and abuse, by being an incredible mum to your kids.

If you haven’t had therapy, I would really recommend some psychotherapy (if you can afford it). It helped me come to terms with my childhood (psychological abuse, emotional neglect etc). I’m not a perfect parent- but I hope I’m changing the narrative for our family, and therapy has been a huge part of that.

No you are an abused daughter and an excellent mother. Be honest with them if it makes you feel better, don't if it doesn't. Go no contact if they make you feel bad and aren't interested in making up for the abuse you suffered. As one abused child to another, it only gets worse when they need care and it's on your shoulders. Sending you a hug.

This is not your fault. They have been abusive. It sounds as though you have done a good job of parenting. Give yourself credit for breaking the cycle.
Get some therapy to talk it all through and get some perspective. If that’s unaffordable or not practical, try “the holistic psychologist” on Instagram and do some reading around.
Give yourself a pat on the back OP for making it this far.

The next time you're asked by your parents whether they were good just be totally honest. Yes they were good in parts and they were awful in parts. Try not to be judgemental.

But please. Stop being scared of them (I know it's not that easy). There was a general idea in years gone that it was better to beat your kids than to bring them up. The 'getting at' comments from your mum show that she does remember and clearly feels some shame at not having dealt with things better.

Therapy has been mentioned thats a great idea to get you through this and the fear of your parents.

Sending a hug.

No, they weren’t good parents in parts. And yes she fucking should be judgemental. Absofuckinglutely she’s got that right.

As an abused child, I can tell you that “good bits” don’t make up for “bad bits”.

instead what they do is put you on edge. Keep you guessing. Confuse you. And they very worst of all- when you get older you can see that they had the ability to be better, and chose not to be.

id like to think you mean well with this post, but it’s frankly offensive.

Does your husband/partner know all this? I honestly think you should say what you feel with your H/P there to back you up and support you. Who gives a flying fuck if they get stroppy and storm out/stop speaking to you or whatever. Do you really want these fuckers in your life?

I can't actually remember any "good" parts, but maybe there was and it's just my memory?

The only thing I remember enjoying in my childhood was dance classes, which I guess my parents paid for?

I've got anxiety and depression and have been on medication for a long time. I feel it's definitely in large part due to my childhood.

My exh knows bits and was supportive.

The part about my Dad watching porn in front of us, I've never told anyone but my exh.

The bit I struggle with confronting them with is because I live so far away thankfully I don't have to deal with them very often and contact is mainly by text/phone. So they haven't done anything "bad" towards me for years as such.

My brother lives closer and is very low contact with them since him and his partner had a baby a few years ago. My parents are very upset about this and cant understand it but I'm certain it's to do with our childhood and him not wanting his DC exposed to the same. I've never asked him though as sadly we aren't close.

I think your parents are lucky that they are included in your life in a way that you can manage. They don't need to gaslight you by telling you what great parents there were and minimising your difficult childhood. This is another example of their bullying, abusive behaviour. I don't think they are actually interested in hearing your views on the matter.

I would do what you can to make it clear that it's not something you are willing to discuss with them again.

Utterly unhinged response.

@TBEITBN agreed

I don’t think I’d have anything to do with them OP. They sound horrendous. I know that’s hard to do but I would try to go no contact.

It was far from normal in the 90s so ignore that poster. I grew up in the 70s and it wasn’t remotely normal then to abuse your children like that.

Smacking wasn't more common in the 1990s. I had children then and I never smacked them.

And strangling? OP I wouldn't have a relationship with them at all if I were you. Just block them.

If there were no good parts then say they were none. I don't know the OP's situation so wouldn't want to presume what her whole childhood was like. Neither was I suggesting there was some sort of scale that balanced out the other.

My point of my 'offensive' post was not to placate or excuse the parents but if they ask a question such 'are we good parents' then a factual answer of 'no you were shit and these are the reasons why' might be a good next step as opposed to the last time it was asked when the OP said she changed the topic.

And yes, ofcourse she has the right to be judgemental, when did I say she didn't?

@TBEITBN I had an "unhinged" upbringing. You can do one of two things, laugh or cry about it. I know what I choose and to be fair lots of people my age has a similar upbringing. Maybe it's damaged me maybe it hasn't. it is what it is.

I think the best thing you could ever do for yourself is to write a letter to your parents telling them exactly how you feel about your childhood, and then never, ever see them again.

The answers on here demonstrate pretty well why I feel so conflicted about it.

Maybe it was all normal and I'm a drama Queen and just need to get on with it.

You are not a drama queen, you are not being overly sensitive. Please stop gaslighting yourself. Your childhood was not in any way healthy, and your parents are fucking monsters.