Am I a bad daughter?

[bad2daughter]

This happened many years ago but it frequently pops into my mind. An impending visit by my parents is causing anxiety again about.

Imo my parents weren't the best parents. I was born in the 90s. I don't have many "happy" childhood memories. I remember being belittled on an almost daily basis from my earliest memories, called "stupid", told to "shut up", "you should hear yourself, you should listen to yourself" etc. it was normal that myself and my siblings were hit with wooden spoon/plastic spoon. I also recall being choked by my mother on a couple of occasions.

I wonder sometimes if I have dramatised my own memories, like maybe it wasn't daily? Maybe I remember it all wrong and it wasn't as bad as I keep thinking?

I also remember myself to be a well behaved child. But could I have this wrong? I know I did very well at school, I was absolutely terrified of getting into trouble (probably because of home?). I didn't really do a lot of go out a lot until I rebelled around age 15/16 and left home shortly after.

Anyway. I have children myself. I was visiting my parents when my eldest was around three, I also had a new baby. My eldest was being a bit boisterous/tantrums but nothing horrendous. Obviously a lot of change with a new baby. I was just doing some time outs and more gentle methods. I'd never physically harm my kids, because of my memories of my upbringing.

My mother said to be that my son needed a good "belting" to sort him out. I calmly said that I didn't use physical punishment on my kids (I really don't think I said this in a way to make my mum feel bad I just said it like matter of factly).

My mum said red and said "I KNOW what you are getting at there!!! I KNOW what you are saying about me!!! You think you are better than me!!!" And on and on you get the idea. She told me I was a hideously naughty child and I had no idea and to "just wait" and see when my kids are older if "I'm so good" then.

She didn't really speak to me for about 9-10 months after this.

My eldest is a teenager now and such a good lad, never in any trouble and always helpful and respectful and home and at school.

I think sometimes I don't know why I ever made up with them. But I've always been so terrified of my parents, I'm terrified of falling out with them, even though I don't like them very much and I don't think they were good parents.

They are coming to visit soon. They've been okay grandparents. I don't live near them anymore and haven't for a long time so never been in the position of leaving my own children with them and don't think I would have felt comfortable to anyway, given how I feel my childhood was.

But last time they visited, they actually asked me if they were good parents, and they said they think they were! I didn't know how to answer so sort of just changed the topic quickly but I'm worried of questions like this again.

If I said I had not good memories of my childhood or answered honestly, I know my mother would fly off the handle at me again.

I just don't know what to do sometimes and don't feel like I can be honest with them or anyone else about my childhood.

It’s kind of like a disassociation. Sometimes your brain will block out things in order to survive, so you’ll have some really strong memories (usually really bad or really good) but everything else from this time period kind of hazes out. That’s why you’re second guessing yourself. But while you may not remember, you still feel. And that’s your truth.

You are not a terrible daughter at all, you were a child and did nothing to ever deserve that treatment (I’m not sure what anyone could do to deserve that!). I’m so sorry all of that happened to you. You’re doing a wonderful job with your kids.

To the immediate question, I can actually feel the fear you have of having to tell them the truth. My personal opinion is I wouldn’t bother. I don’t think it would make a difference to them (unfortunately) and it’s not going to do you any favours as you’ll just be panicked about their reaction, you’ll harbour guilt (inevitable of all victims), and maybe even have to worry about retaliation which will stress you even further down the line.

It’s not that easy to cut them off either, (again it’s the unfair guilt we carry), but maybe instead of them visiting you you could visit them, that way you decide when to leave and you’re more in control of the situation which I find helps with any anxiety you might have about conversations /questions that you don’t want to have/ answer.

You’re an inspiration and your children are incredibly lucky to have you. It’s so hard not to become a product of your environment, but you’ve broken the cycle. You should be immensely proud of yourself.

I hope it works out for you. X

I know what you mean OP about being conflicted. I remember horrible things that happened growing up - physical as well as emotional abuse, but I recall reading that as an adult you tend to only remember the bad things, and not remember the nice stuff, as it’s the bad stuff that stays in your head years later. So when my mum says ‘oh do you remember those wonderful birthday parties we had for you with friends and family, and that beautiful doll we bought you which cost so much, but we knew you really wanted it’, I just cannot recall it at all, so don’t challenge her on it as I wonder if I’m just pulling forward all the bad stuff, but that maybe there was more good things, but that I just don’t remember it? Or is she making it up? And some of the things I mention, she denies happened, which makes me doubt my memory on things.