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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm wasting my time with him aren't I?

54 replies

elbowedouttie · 05/04/2024 20:56

I've been seeing a guy I met online for about 8 months now. I know it is still early days but it just feels like its not going anywhere. Obviously as we started we had lots of nice dates out and some times dates in together but increasingly I feel like he is happy enough if I come out to him but if its his turn to come to my place he's making it seem like its a hassle to him.

We had previously agreed that he would come to my place this evening but when I called him this afternoon he was saying he was tired and just wanted to stay in, I told him I was upset as we'd previously agreed we'd see each other, he then said I could maybe tempt him out if I bought him a takeaway from his favourite Indian place near me! I said no as I'd already made food in advance so he said he would just stay home.

I feel so annoyed and that while its nice to have the odd treat of a takeaway I shouldn't have to be buying him it as an incentive to come and see me? It just feels like he isn't up for giving up more time to spend with me, he can't be bothered to visit me much of the time, often Saturday nights are reserved for "the boys" and he still doesn't want to meet my family.

I am just feeling like I'm a place marker for him. Its disheartening as I am 42 and its yet another disappointing relationship which has wasted my time.

OP posts:
EG94 · 05/04/2024 20:58

How old is he? 22? He isn’t a life partner OP. Fuck him off xx

PurplePanda1 · 05/04/2024 20:59

Don’t waste any more of your precious time on him. Bin him ASAP.

SamW98 · 05/04/2024 21:03

Don’t waste another minute on this selfish man child.

What a dickhead - throw him back

elbowedouttie · 05/04/2024 21:06

@EG94 We are the same age. so he is 42.

Yeah I think he isn't really that interested, just gutted I wasted so much time on him.

OP posts:
BCBird · 05/04/2024 21:07

Eat and enjoy ur meal without him. If u r not getting what u want is it time to say adios?

BirthdayRainbow · 05/04/2024 21:07

No. Not worth your time. Get rid.

BCBird · 05/04/2024 21:07

You will be more savvy nxt time

samestyle · 05/04/2024 21:07

He's lazy and doesn't want to make the effort for you, I'd be annoyed that he wants you to buy him a takeaway to come and see you, he should make the effort because he wants to, sadly he doesn't want to enough. Time to put him in the bin 🗑️

missin · 05/04/2024 21:07

It's gone stale

But do you never have a day when you're just unmotivated? Would he have made you pay for it or was it a hmmmm I fancy that suggestion?

If he needs enticing out every time though for real... he's past his use by date, get rid

elbowedouttie · 05/04/2024 21:08

@missin No he wanted me to treat him. Its not just this night there is just no progression.

OP posts:
EG94 · 05/04/2024 21:09

elbowedouttie · 05/04/2024 21:06

@EG94 We are the same age. so he is 42.

Yeah I think he isn't really that interested, just gutted I wasted so much time on him.

Sorry I was being a bit sarcastic because your description is that I would expect of someone in their 20’s. Sat for the lads 🤦🏼‍♀️ he ain’t ready for a relationship. Doubt the lads are sorting him out downstairs. Muppet he is

CaterhamReconstituted · 05/04/2024 21:09

Definitely bin. Only 8 months in, it’s not serious and he sounds like a waste of space.

missin · 05/04/2024 21:12

8 months is long enough to know

He doesn't know (no family intro)

He's just staying in for the ride then if he's got expectations of chocolate carrots to grace you with his presence

Yeah end it

Worried86 · 05/04/2024 21:20

I don’t think I’ve ever fully got the “ick” vicariously before, but a 42 year old man calling the middle-aged men he spends every Saturday night with “the boys” has done it. 🤢🤢🤢

elbowedouttie · 05/04/2024 21:21

Aggh, so depressing 😥

I'm only 42 but feel like packing it all in relationship wise, its always so much effort only to be disappointed again and again. I think the good one's who want commitment are all taken by 30 or younger even.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 05/04/2024 21:23

He's not worth bothering with. Bin him.

Francisflute · 05/04/2024 21:27

No way. That was rude regarding the dinner you'd cooked and only being interested for a takeaway. He isn't interested,sorry. I'd ring tonight and let him know he's ditched. You deserve someone enthusiastic not this half arsed sticking it out for the company.

Francisflute · 05/04/2024 21:27

elbowedouttie · 05/04/2024 21:08

@missin No he wanted me to treat him. Its not just this night there is just no progression.

Edited

Fucking cheek.

kkloo · 05/04/2024 21:34

What an arsehole.
He's clearly not bothered but also doesn't even care that he's letting you know that.

Just think how much of an asshole you'd have to be and how little you would have to think about someone to say "no I'm not coming over but I will if you buy me a takeaway".

Kay101 · 05/04/2024 21:58

I wouldn’t bother tbh,

CheekyHobson · 05/04/2024 22:04

Absolutely bin this one.

I know that the post-40s dating landscape can seem horrendous but believe me, there are decent men out there. I met someone utterly lovely in my late 40s after being single for quite a while following an abusive relationship.

I wasn't looking, didn't even especially want a relationship, but my now-boyfriend noticed and pursued me. He would never expect me to chase his attention like the lazy fecker you're talking about. Don't sell yourself short.

Ofcourseshecan · 05/04/2024 22:06

he then said I could maybe tempt him out if I bought him a takeaway from his favourite Indian place near me

I would have binned him on the spot.

Ofcourseshecan · 05/04/2024 22:10

OP, my wonderful DH and I met in our 40s. There’s still time. Let your friends know you’re looking — we met through friends who were motivated to make an effort for us because they love us. Better than an algorithm.

Ladyprehensile · 05/04/2024 22:12

He’s not that into you!
A meal and a shag? That’s all he wants.
Bin him. Bin him tonight. Do yourself a favour.

SamW98 · 05/04/2024 22:13

End it tonight. Tell him he meal you cooked wax delicious and he can buy his own takeaway for one from now on