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Original poster

Will he ever commit to me?

65 replies

LVS2627 · 03/04/2024 11:02

Me & one of my guy friends crossed the friendship line a year ago. Since then we've been seeing each other. We've been away together for a weekend, had cinema dates, sleepovers etc ...We obviously have sex. The sex is great and we have a really good connection. On top of this we've been friends since we were 17 (we are now 32) and always had a soft spot for each other but never wanted to cross that friendship line until last year.

My issue is he's told me that he doesn't want a relationship yet. I know he has feelings for me, I know he fancies me and I suppose I just can't understand why he wouldn't want to commit. He said its because he doesn't know were he's going to be in 6 months time. He lives an hour away from me, doesn't have a car so relys on public transport, he isn't completely happy with his living situation or job and I know he has travelling on his mind & hes not sure if he's going to go off for a few months at the end of the year. So hes said he doesn't want to complicate things with a relationship. He blames it mainly on the distance too, & the fact we have different lifestyles. (I have a 2 year old from my ex partner) he keeps saying maybe in the future but I just think if you like someone that much who cares about any of that stuff?

I'm torn on what to do. I know he wouldn't be wasting his time on me if there were no feelings there. Equally i can't wait for him but I can't let him go just yet cos I have feelings for him. Its a really frustrating situation. This has been going on a year now round about and it getting exhausting. We talk most days for hours on end, he's coming to see me in a couple of weeks. He bought me a gorgeous lingerie set last night. He's also told me he's not going to be seeing or sleeping with anyone else so you could say we are exclusive anyway ..its all very confusing.

I also wonder if his ex comes into this. He was with his ex for 3 years and they broke up 2 years ago. He was pretty heartbroken by it. She was very abusive and not a nice person so wonder if that's scared him. He did once say after this that he would be single for the foreseeable.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 03/04/2024 11:08

My issue is he's told me that he doesn't want a relationship yet.

This is one of those examples where it is dooo clear from the outside looking in what to do to protect yourself and your self worth, while when you are in the situation it all seems so much more complicated.

He is being clear about where he is in life snd that you want different things. You are hanging on hoping that things will change.

This does you no favours. Rip off the plaster and start building the life you want for yourself. Think of what advice you would give a friend or a sister in this situation. Would you really encourage them to hang on in this situation?

All the very best.

FineWordsButterNoParsnips · 03/04/2024 11:13

'he's told me that he doesn't want a relationship yet'

Believe him.

Never analyse and handwring over a man. When a man wants you, wild horses couldn't stop him from proving himself and offering marriage and commitment. You're begging for scraps he will not provide.

WalkingaroundJardine · 03/04/2024 11:16

It sounds like you are friends with benefits and that he isn’t looking for a relationship with you (or anyone).

RobbieisWright · 03/04/2024 11:18

You need to either see this relationship the same as him or end it before you get hurt

SKG231 · 03/04/2024 11:22

He’s telling you exactly how he feels. He doesn’t want to commit to you, you have a child, he wants to go travelling. You’re In two completely different stages of life. Do yourself and your child a favour and part ways now.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 03/04/2024 11:27

Thé short answer is ‘NO’. The slightly longer answer is ‘almost certainly not, but I wouldn’t hang around waiting’

Your friend seems to be a perennial teenager, which is fine in the under 25’s , but becomes less and less viable as the age grows. Don’t waste your life waiting for him to grow up.

xxx

Bewareofthisonetoo · 03/04/2024 11:37

FineWordsButterNoParsnips · 03/04/2024 11:13

'he's told me that he doesn't want a relationship yet'

Believe him.

Never analyse and handwring over a man. When a man wants you, wild horses couldn't stop him from proving himself and offering marriage and commitment. You're begging for scraps he will not provide.

This!
so firmly believe this and am really trying to help a friend on a similar situation. It is frustrating when a couple is do well suited but circs and life stages just don’t match.

Starlight1979 · 03/04/2024 11:47

"I'm torn on what to do. I know he wouldn't be wasting his time on me if there were no feelings there."

How is he "wasting time"? He's got a brilliant deal here. He gets to have fun with you, obviously the pair of you get on, and he gets sex on tap. With absolutely no commitment.

Sorry OP, I'm going to be blunt. But if he had feelings for you other than a really good FWB, you would know about it. Especially after a year.

Opentooffers · 03/04/2024 11:54

Could this have started more from both of you seeking solace in each other after your relationships went wrong? It looks like both of you clung onto each other at the time, and you had a 1 year old then.
It would account for a relationship of sorts forming between 2 people who had incompatible lives from the start.
He's 32, but hasn't found his niche in life yet and wants to go travelling, yet hasn't made any travel plans in the past year - he could of gone and come back by now? Be careful, he could be using it as an excuse not to get involved. He sounds quite immature too, which is not what you need as a parent. I think he has ideas, but not plans. He's saying anything at the time to get what he wants in the moment, and behaving the opposite of how a person in a casual relationship would behave- it doesn't include daily phonecalls for hours.
You are confused because he's saying one thing, but behaving another. It all leads to him not liking you enough to see you as a long-term prospect. If he did, he'd be all in and you'd be under no doubt. You should want more for yourself than he is giving and as a parent, you would be better off with stability. The amount of time you daily spend on him, not to mention the headspace you are also spending on him, will be taking your attention away from you DC, hie could it not?
The way to force his hand, is the same way to get over him. He talks a lot of BS no doubt and the way to get to the truth of it is to say its over and go no contact. He will either change his tune and realise how much he cares, or you will find out he really doesn't care enough and not hear from him again. It's best to find out either way asap. You are already in deep, this will only become harder with time on you until you sort it out one way or another.

SamW98 · 03/04/2024 11:54

Sorry OP can only concur with what everyone else has said. Hes happy with a FWB set up and has no told you he doesn’t want to commit but you don’t seem to hear what he’s told you loud and clear.

He may indeed have feelings for you but if he wanted a permanent relationship with you, he would but it’s clear he doesn’t want this .

It’s your decision now whether to continue with the status quo or walk away.

Bookworm20 · 03/04/2024 11:59

Starlight1979 · 03/04/2024 11:47

"I'm torn on what to do. I know he wouldn't be wasting his time on me if there were no feelings there."

How is he "wasting time"? He's got a brilliant deal here. He gets to have fun with you, obviously the pair of you get on, and he gets sex on tap. With absolutely no commitment.

Sorry OP, I'm going to be blunt. But if he had feelings for you other than a really good FWB, you would know about it. Especially after a year.

This with bells on.

Sorry, but the whole not wanting to be in a relationship spiel actually means he wants all the fun parts and none of the daily slog, responsibility parts.
And that is exactly what he is getting from you.

From what he has said about not seeing other people, he just means 'for now'.
He has all the benefits of a relationship, with absolutely none of the commitment. He is living his best life.
Until someone comes along who he sees a future with and then he'll jump ship and feign surprise you are hurt 'because he told you he didn't want a relationship'.

Save yourself the hurt.
If a man wants you, you know.
Its as simple as that.

LilacPear · 03/04/2024 12:05

’wasting his time’

how is he wasting his time? You’re providing the entire girlfriend experience for literally nothing in return

sounds absolutely great for him

usernother · 03/04/2024 12:12

OP if a friend of yours told you she was in this situation what advice would you give her? Hopefully it would be 'he's stringing you along until someone he thinks is better pops up, get rid'.

babyproblems · 03/04/2024 12:18

Life will happen to both of you whether you are ‘together’ or not. This idea that he is not settled so therefore not ready is just an excuse - you’re not the one he is set on. Otherwise he would just make the choice OP. I suspect actually he has fancied you for your entire friendship and probably couldnt decide what to do about it so just strung you along whilst he tried to decide. He still can’t decide now. He is wasting your time.
He may well regret it in the long run but you might regret it more if he keeps you from meeting someone else who may have turned out to be your husband/father of your kids etc. I’ve seen so many women hang on for men with this same idea that they aren’t settled enough. I don’t know of one who managed to eventually commit. I suspect he is indecisive with lots of things not just you. Best of luck xx

Starlight1979 · 03/04/2024 12:21

LilacPear · 03/04/2024 12:05

’wasting his time’

how is he wasting his time? You’re providing the entire girlfriend experience for literally nothing in return

sounds absolutely great for him

Yep I've just said pretty much exactly this. Also to add to my previous comment:

" I just can't understand why he wouldn't want to commit. He said its because he doesn't know were he's going to be in 6 months time. He lives an hour away from me, doesn't have a car so relys on public transport, he isn't completely happy with his living situation or job and I know he has travelling on his mind & hes not sure if he's going to go off for a few months at the end of the year."

All of this is absolute rubbish!!! You don't put off being with the love of your life because you might be going away for a few months later in the year! What a load of crap!

FineWordsButterNoParsnips · 03/04/2024 12:26

What makes you think OPs sex partner thinks she is the ‘love of his life’? 😄 He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with her. @Starlight1979

Mischance · 03/04/2024 12:28

he's told me that he doesn't want a relationship yet. - by my definition that ship has sailed.

You are not the love of his life and if that is what you are looking for you need to take your search elsewhere. If what you have is what you want, then stick with him. If you have more in mind, then go.

You will not change him. This is clearly how he likes things to be, which is fine if you are content with this too.

samestyle · 03/04/2024 12:30

Forget the excuses of why he isn't ready, he wants you around for a casual fwb so he won't be entirely honest with you.
If he really loved you, he would make it work to be committed, don't be his place holder.

GreyCarpet · 03/04/2024 12:53

I know he wouldn't be wasting his time on me if there were no feelings there

He's not wasting his time though, is he?

He's getting the full 'girlfriend experience' (good company, laughter, dates, sex, etc - who wouldn't like that?) but with none of the commitment.

He's been quite honest with you that he doesn't want a relationship; that your lifestyles are incompatible; that he wants to go travelling etc.

I'm not really sure what you're confused about. Or why you think you know his mind better than he knows it himself.

There's nothing wrong with what he's after if you're happy with that too but don't go along with it assuming he'll commit eventually. Because he won't.

LifeExperience · 03/04/2024 13:28

You've been shagging for a year but he doesn't want a relationship yet. The answer to your question, OP, is "no."

SpringleDingle · 03/04/2024 13:28

Go and watch the film “he’s just not that into you” on a loop… The light will dawn eventually - he is just not that into you I’m afraid 😟 💐

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 03/04/2024 13:38

LilacPear · 03/04/2024 12:05

’wasting his time’

how is he wasting his time? You’re providing the entire girlfriend experience for literally nothing in return

sounds absolutely great for him

He doesn’t want a relationship with you, and won’t commit to you. It could be different life stages, it could be he doesn’t want your baggage, or he doesn’t respect you or want you enough.

He certainly enjoys your company and free sex though, as he isn’t going elsewhere for that atm.

He isn’t going to marry you.

Springcat · 03/04/2024 13:40

He's enjoying having sex with you
But that's all your getting from him
He's not available for more

heartbroken40 · 03/04/2024 17:04

"You know John I really like you and the past few months have been great. But I'm looking for a serious relationship with someone who's looking for the same thing. Would prefer no contact for a while but once I've met the right man we can be friends again. No hard feelings"

He'll either realise you're the love of his life or not waste his time. Believe me, I've done this

gannett · 03/04/2024 17:09

He said its because he doesn't know were he's going to be in 6 months time. He lives an hour away from me, doesn't have a car so relys on public transport, he isn't completely happy with his living situation or job and I know he has travelling on his mind & hes not sure if he's going to go off for a few months at the end of the year. So hes said he doesn't want to complicate things with a relationship. He blames it mainly on the distance too, & the fact we have different lifestyles.

He's told you exactly and in detail why he doesn't want to commit and in my opinion those are all very valid reasons - in fact not just valid but sensible, and he's not stringing you along while knowing he can't commit.

He's not happy with where his life is at and he wants to change things, which is commendable - but the nature of change is that it's uncertain and you can't commit to a relationship properly.

Now you get to decide for yourself whether you're OK with things as they stand, or if you're risking your feelings too much. To me it sounds like the latter, and you should wish him well and pull back.