Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will he ever commit to me?

65 replies

LVS2627 · 03/04/2024 11:02

Me & one of my guy friends crossed the friendship line a year ago. Since then we've been seeing each other. We've been away together for a weekend, had cinema dates, sleepovers etc ...We obviously have sex. The sex is great and we have a really good connection. On top of this we've been friends since we were 17 (we are now 32) and always had a soft spot for each other but never wanted to cross that friendship line until last year.

My issue is he's told me that he doesn't want a relationship yet. I know he has feelings for me, I know he fancies me and I suppose I just can't understand why he wouldn't want to commit. He said its because he doesn't know were he's going to be in 6 months time. He lives an hour away from me, doesn't have a car so relys on public transport, he isn't completely happy with his living situation or job and I know he has travelling on his mind & hes not sure if he's going to go off for a few months at the end of the year. So hes said he doesn't want to complicate things with a relationship. He blames it mainly on the distance too, & the fact we have different lifestyles. (I have a 2 year old from my ex partner) he keeps saying maybe in the future but I just think if you like someone that much who cares about any of that stuff?

I'm torn on what to do. I know he wouldn't be wasting his time on me if there were no feelings there. Equally i can't wait for him but I can't let him go just yet cos I have feelings for him. Its a really frustrating situation. This has been going on a year now round about and it getting exhausting. We talk most days for hours on end, he's coming to see me in a couple of weeks. He bought me a gorgeous lingerie set last night. He's also told me he's not going to be seeing or sleeping with anyone else so you could say we are exclusive anyway ..its all very confusing.

I also wonder if his ex comes into this. He was with his ex for 3 years and they broke up 2 years ago. He was pretty heartbroken by it. She was very abusive and not a nice person so wonder if that's scared him. He did once say after this that he would be single for the foreseeable.

OP posts:
NotCute · 03/04/2024 21:37

No. He doesn't think you're good enough

Toss him back and find someone who does

Dacadactyl · 03/04/2024 21:39

Bin him.

He sees you as a FWB and nothing more.

If he wanted to be with you properly, he would be.

He's not committing cos he's got you where he wants you and gets what he wants without commitment.

Not the sort of guy you can trust.

dullestofall · 03/04/2024 21:40

arethereanyleftatall · 03/04/2024 21:18

Or - it means 'he doesn't want a relationship yet.' Because he wants to go travelling.

still:

He did once say after this that he would be single for the foreseeable.

Do you think a man in love will risk losing a woman by saying things like that?

I dont think so, because it will not even cross his mind

Because true connection and compatibility is not easy to find

On top of that he has no travel booked yet so it is only wishful thinking at this point

We dont know what is in his mind for sure but we can agree that the OP is wasting time and energy with him and she is in a classic FWB situation - those rarely change

OP - you know too much about him for too long, you know all his troubles and who he has been.
He will commit to someone fresh that he can tell his stories in a new light and he can present himself as a super hero, once his life is sorted and he is happy with his home/work/travel situation.

FineWordsButterNoParsnips · 04/04/2024 02:00

@LVS2627 no response?

DeeCeeCherry · 04/04/2024 02:22

My issue is he's told me that he doesn't want a relationship yet

You need to listen to what he's told you, stop trying to analyze and put your own spin on things, and base your 'relationship' decision on actual facts. You're heading for heartbreak if you don't. You are not his 'One' and he will drop you when

he meets a woman he does want to be in a full relationship with. He also has other priorities which you don't feature in. You're just having a good time together, if you want more than that then break it off and be free to find your own 'One'.

Pinkbonbon · 04/04/2024 03:05

He doesn't want a relationship. You do.

So the fwb - it's over.

What you have now is a situation where you are letting someone take the piss out of you. And let's be honest, he knows this. He's not your friend.

Friends don't take advantage like that.

He's not going to change his mind. He's just trying to keep you dangling. It's really low of him tbh.

Pinkbonbon · 04/04/2024 03:10

Also, I'm not sure where I'll be in a year. I don't much like it here so I don't date so that I don't get tied here.

Because if you meet someone you grow to genuinely like, you STAY for them OR move WITH them.

If he was ever going to choose you, the 'I don't know where I'll be...' wouldn't be relevant.

The feelings aren't as mutual as you think. Sorry.

Ihadenough22 · 04/04/2024 03:13

I know your being told that he that he does not want a relationship and it not easy to hear this. You have known this man for a long time. You been meeting up, chatting and having sex and you want a relationship. Meanwhile he is telling you he does not want this.
He is 32, can't drive and is unhappy in his job and now wants to travel. At 32 he should be trying to get a better job or doing training to get another or better line of work. He should be trying to learn how to drive also.
To be honest he sound like someone far younger than 32.
At the moment he is getting the boyfriend experience but is unwilling to make you his girlfriend. To be honest you deserve better.

Burntouted · 04/04/2024 03:58

He's been honest with you. He's not interested in a romantic relationship with you. Despite your long-standing friendship, there hasn't been any indication of mutual romantic feelings, leading to just a casual relationship.

Your lives and desires are now divergent, especially considering your parental responsibilities with someone else. He's focused on living life according to his own terms. It's time to acknowledge that you're both adults now, not the teenagers you once were.

It might be helpful to seek therapy to process your emotions and let go of any lingering hopes of a romantic future with him. His occasional presence in your life might be more about physical attraction than genuine love.

Reflect on whether your relationship has truly been based on friendship or if it's primarily revolved around physical intimacy. Avoid trying to distort the truth to fit your desires—it's time to accept reality and move forward.

He doesn't reciprocate your feelings, and you don't have a right to expect otherwise. Focus on finding closure and healing, rather than continuously investing in a futile pursuit.

aurynne · 04/04/2024 04:01

OP, you're deluding yourself.

A man who is in love with a woman will change his mind on important life issues, walk on fire for that woman, jump through any obstacle to be with the woman he loves.

He's not ready for a relationship... with you. If you keep waiting for him, you will find how suddenly men like these become "ready for a relationship" when they meet a woman they fall for.

Save yourself from future heartbreak and take control of your life.

RogueFemale · 04/04/2024 04:02

I didn't read the wall of text, just the headline - and if you have to ask (and ask the internet) the answer is sorry, no, he won't. The good men who love you, they rush at you and love you without hesitation.

beAsensible1 · 04/04/2024 04:07

If you want commitment and he is not ready stop sleeping with him.

He has been clear on this and the more you get attached or wait around for his feelings to change the more your feelings will hurt.

Let him go, he clearly needs to figure some things out.

GreyCarpet · 04/04/2024 07:12

He's not ready for a relationship... with you. If you keep waiting for him, you will find how suddenly men like these become "ready for a relationship" when they meet a woman they fall for.

Men like these?

It's completely normal to not want a relationship with one person but then meet someone you do want a relationship with. Of course he wouldn't want a relationship with someone he doesn't see a future/have strong feelings for but will see a future when he meets someone who does meet the criteria. That's literally what all of us do. It doesn't make him the bad guy.

He's actually been completely honest with her. If she chooses to ignore what he is saying in favour of her own fantasy, that's on her.

He's not in the wrong for feeling differently about her to how she feels about him. He doesn't owe her a relationship.

And he is being far more honest and genuine about his feelings than she is.

Lighteningstrikes · 04/04/2024 08:57

When someone tells you who they are and what they want LISTEN.

You can’t make him and you can’t change him, no matter how wonderful you yourself think the ‘relationship’ is.

Honestly OP you must stop flogging a dead horse, and end this. All it will do is cause you pain and the longer it goes on the harder it will be.

Find someone lovely who wants the same things as you and don’t settle for uncertainty and misery 💐

New posts on this thread. Refresh page