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Original poster

Will he ever commit to me?

65 replies

LVS2627 · 03/04/2024 11:02

Me & one of my guy friends crossed the friendship line a year ago. Since then we've been seeing each other. We've been away together for a weekend, had cinema dates, sleepovers etc ...We obviously have sex. The sex is great and we have a really good connection. On top of this we've been friends since we were 17 (we are now 32) and always had a soft spot for each other but never wanted to cross that friendship line until last year.

My issue is he's told me that he doesn't want a relationship yet. I know he has feelings for me, I know he fancies me and I suppose I just can't understand why he wouldn't want to commit. He said its because he doesn't know were he's going to be in 6 months time. He lives an hour away from me, doesn't have a car so relys on public transport, he isn't completely happy with his living situation or job and I know he has travelling on his mind & hes not sure if he's going to go off for a few months at the end of the year. So hes said he doesn't want to complicate things with a relationship. He blames it mainly on the distance too, & the fact we have different lifestyles. (I have a 2 year old from my ex partner) he keeps saying maybe in the future but I just think if you like someone that much who cares about any of that stuff?

I'm torn on what to do. I know he wouldn't be wasting his time on me if there were no feelings there. Equally i can't wait for him but I can't let him go just yet cos I have feelings for him. Its a really frustrating situation. This has been going on a year now round about and it getting exhausting. We talk most days for hours on end, he's coming to see me in a couple of weeks. He bought me a gorgeous lingerie set last night. He's also told me he's not going to be seeing or sleeping with anyone else so you could say we are exclusive anyway ..its all very confusing.

I also wonder if his ex comes into this. He was with his ex for 3 years and they broke up 2 years ago. He was pretty heartbroken by it. She was very abusive and not a nice person so wonder if that's scared him. He did once say after this that he would be single for the foreseeable.

OP posts:
Tel12 · 03/04/2024 17:09

You are convenient. If you want commitment you need to look elsewhere.

DreadPirateRobots · 03/04/2024 17:10

He's just not that into you.

This story has played out a million billion times before. He likes you... well enough. He likes you better than being single and celibate. He doesn't like you enough to be serious with you. He doesn't like you well enough to marry you or live with you or accept your child. And he will drop you like a hot rock when he meets someone he is serious about. Like PP said, when a man is serious about you... you know.

Tale as old as time. And he is not the exception to the rule.

gannett · 03/04/2024 17:11

And it's nonsense to say none of that would matter if you were the love of his life, by the way.

I remember being in a similar position to him albeit at a younger age. I had travelling I wanted to do, I wanted to get into my dream industry, I wanted to be more settled financially. Didn't exactly know how I was going to do any of it so I knew I had to be flexible and commit only to myself. I wouldn't have changed course no matter how many feelings I caught for some man.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 03/04/2024 17:18

Ouch, sorry OP, this must be a hard read. My dsis had a similar situation, but it hadn't been going on as long, she broke it off saying she wanted more, within a week he had fully committed and they're engaged now (two years later!) that's probably unusual but you have to respect yourself - if you want more and he's not open to that then you need to move on.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/04/2024 17:26

Someone can simultaneously massively like you, even love you, fancy you, love your company...and still, not want a relationship. That is entirely their choice. Many people don't.
I think you are getting bogged down with whether he likes you or not, but that's actually irrelevant, all the matters for you is that he doesn't want a relationship right now with you. Maybe in the future. Maybe not.

HappyAsASandboy · 03/04/2024 17:28

He says he doesn't want a relationship, yet to my "old fashioned" eyes, he has one in all but name.

Right now he has the perks of a relationship (long calls, weekends of fun, sex) but can walk away guilt free whenever he is ready because he always said "I don't want a relationship".

Is what you have from him enough for you? If so, it's working for both of you!

If not, then you can't make him want more by either investing more effort or by just sticking around and hoping.

Right now your situation with him is stopping you from investing time in yourself, and stopping you putting yourself out there to meet other people who may want the same things as you.

If you're happy with what you have then stay. If you want more than he's giving, then I think you should leave him.

MMmomDD · 03/04/2024 17:30

OP - time to take off your rose tinted glasses and stop being naive.
You are not a teenager where ‘love is all we need’. You are in your 30s and with a kid.

The guy is question - likes you - sure. Likes to have you as an occasional sex partner - definitely.
But on everything else - he is at best immature; is lazy; or simply a bit of a loser.

32yo grown man? Not liking his job BUT instead of figuring his life having a pipe dream of travelling? And then what?
Not driving - and not learning to? Living only an hour away but visiting you in a few weeks?
And this is the man you think is into you????

And of course - there is a crazy abusive ex that explains his lack of desire for a relationship. Poor him…

To answer your question - when would he commit to you…. Never.
Enjoy having him as what he is - a classic definition of FWB.
Start pulling yourself out of it and hopefully you’ll eventually meet someone who you can bring home and introduce to your kid. A grownup who will love you and embrace your kid as a part of you.
(has your friend expressed any interest in spending time with you+your child? Guessing its a no? 🧐)

Moonshine5 · 03/04/2024 17:30

he's told me that he doesn't want a relationship yet'

Believe him OP

bakewellbride · 03/04/2024 17:38

Over a year of this treatment? Op please dump him. I know it's hard for you but you are 100% being used right now. He's having his cake and eating it. Sorry to be blunt but please just walk away, it makes me angry when men treat women like this.

FineWordsButterNoParsnips · 03/04/2024 17:52

@bakewellbride no dumping required, there is no relationship.

MonsteraMama · 03/04/2024 18:08

Men will move mountains to be with someone they want to be with. My husband is from a different country and he made it work because he wanted to be with me.

I'm sorry OP but he's being very plain with you here, he doesn't want a relationship. He's been honest and open about why. The only issue is all the "maybes". He probably thinks he's being kind, but what he's actually doing is keeping you on the back burner just in case something better doesn't come alone while he figured himself out. Don't be the backup plan!

supercali77 · 03/04/2024 18:46

He wants to travel, he hasn't got a car let alone a child, and he's been very transparent that he's not ready for a commitment yet. You have a toddler to care for which means you can't just bugger off travelling with him. To me it looks like mismatched life stages. Believe him. He's not wasting his life. If you want a committed relationship, move on

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 03/04/2024 19:02

He's your number one choice but to him, you are just an option.

He has been very clear- no relationship.

This is just friends with benefits.

You are allowing it in the hope it changes - it won't.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/04/2024 19:13

To those saying 'he can walk away guilt free because you're not in a relationship' remember people can, and very often do, walk away guilt free when they're in relationships too

MissHarrietBede · 03/04/2024 19:33

He bought me a gorgeous lingerie set last night

That set is for his own titillation. A gift for himself.

The talking for hours is his way of keeping you fixated and focused on him.

You are being used, as he knows you are so hopeful of more from him.

DaftyLass · 03/04/2024 19:37

He has told you his limits, so you need to hear him
If you have a child, and he isn't sure, please don't try and make it something more.
If, and when, someone is ready to be with our, nothing will stop them.

Dery · 03/04/2024 19:42

No, he won’t commit to you. He’s made it clear. Don’t waste time psycho-analysing him on this, otherwise you’ll start making excuses for him. He’s getting everything he wants from you but you’re not getting what you want.

It’s painful when we care for someone more than they care for us. Most of us have been in your shoes, OP. In fact, most of us have been on both sides of the equation.

FWIW, I had a similar situation with a friend I’d been pretty crazy about in my teens. For a few years in our 20s (many moons ago), we went through a kind of will we/won’t we dance and, just when I thought we actually were becoming an item, the woman who is the love of his life came onto the scene and that was that. It hurt a lot at the time and he and I needed a bit of time off from each other before our original friendship was restored but in time it was. A couple of years later, I met my now DH and we have been together for 25 years. He made his commitment clear from the start.

It’s probably time for some self-preservation, OP. You can let him know you like him but you need commitment so you’re going to be ending this so you’re free to meet someone who does want to commit to you. You will probably need to go NC for a little while in order to get over him but in time you may well be able to get to a comfortable friendship with him.

dullestofall · 03/04/2024 19:44

'he's told me that he doesn't want a relationship yet'

correction - he doesnt want a relationship with you

sorry

When a man is into a woman in that way he will never risk losing her. If he is not ready he will do whatever he can to get ready and she will not hear any doubts - ever

Ohffsbarbara · 03/04/2024 19:58

He bought me a gorgeous lingerie set last night

Hmm, I bet he did!

Sorry OP - whay I get from this is he likes you fine and finds you attractive enough to travel to see you for sex etc every other week or however often it is.

But he’s just not that into you. Men (and women) will move heaven and earth to be with the one they love.

You’re his ok for now chick - it sucks if you like him but at least he’s being honest.

It’s up to you to decide whether this is enough for YOU because sooner or later he’ll either move away or he’ll find someone he really does want to be with and you’ll be doubly hurt.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/04/2024 20:03

Sorry, op, but you are not listening because he is being very clear. You are not the one, and all of his excuses for not being in a place to have a relationship are just that. If you were the woman he wanted, you'd know it.

I know he wouldn't be wasting his time on me if there were no feelings there.

He gets easy sex with no strings, with a person he can enjoy spending some time with. Of course he's more than happy to "waste" time with you.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/04/2024 20:05

He bought me a gorgeous lingerie set last night

Men buy lingerie for themselves.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/04/2024 20:47

I disagree with those saying he doesn't want a relationship - 'with you'. Not necessarily. Many people don't want a relationship- 'full stop.'

Either way, he doesn't want a relationship, so there isn't any confusion.

dullestofall · 03/04/2024 21:06

arethereanyleftatall · 03/04/2024 20:47

I disagree with those saying he doesn't want a relationship - 'with you'. Not necessarily. Many people don't want a relationship- 'full stop.'

Either way, he doesn't want a relationship, so there isn't any confusion.

but he said he doesn’t want a relationship yet

not full stop

In men speak this mean that they are unavailable for a relationship with the woman/women they have now but will be happy to commit to ‘the one’

Also the ‘yet’ means he will string OP along and then drop her when she is no longer convinient or he meets ‘the one’

A man can always tell when a woman likes him more than he likes her and expects more than what he can give - even if she denies but they think that because they are upfront saying the don’t want a relationship then they did the right thing. It is the woman’s respinsibility to take control of her love life and either choose to accept the crumbs without hope he will change and preparing herself for heartbreak or break up and be available for someone else who do want a relationship now and with her.

A lot of people, especially men, think they don’t want to commit or have anything serious ever until they find a truly compatible partner and a relationship that is different from all their negative assumptions / experiences about relationships.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/04/2024 21:18

Or - it means 'he doesn't want a relationship yet.' Because he wants to go travelling.

PaintedEgg · 03/04/2024 21:35

he will never commit to you - you're simply not the one. Literally everything, including a hypothetical move that may never happen, is more of a priority to him than you

you can enjoy it while it lasts but this is nothing more than FWB