Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would this concern you?

98 replies

Tippytappy7543 · 03/04/2024 08:15

So DH goes to a gym class 2/3 a week, same instructor, they are around the same age, (45) I've seen photos of the instructor and my DD said she's attractive you'll have to watch her lol!
He came back last week with a birthday card from her stating it was from all of them at the gym, when I read it it's just from her not everyone at all just from her....with love X.
He always manages to get to the class way earlier than necessary as well.
Seems a bit odd she'd go to this trouble or am I overthinking here?

OP posts:
Tippytappy7543 · 03/04/2024 13:51

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 03/04/2024 13:47

I would be sus about that. Admittedly it's been some years since I attended a gym class, but essentially a teacher, giving a birthday card like that? She definitely fancies him.

I know, makes me feel icky about the whole thing.

OP posts:
Tippytappy7543 · 03/04/2024 13:52

Minefield231 · 03/04/2024 10:57

Does she run personal training class? Some( or most?) trainers don’t mind clients having crush on them to lure them in.

No personal training

OP posts:
Mangolover123 · 03/04/2024 14:01

Can you make a bit of a joke about it and say things in passing.
Pick up the card and laugh "lol does she have a little crush on you"
"Oh you are up early off to see the glamourous one at the gym"
"don't do anything I wouldn't do"

Rather then sounding defensive you are making light but also clear you have noticed. He may be getting carried away, swept along, I am not saying it is right but sometimes you have to stop these things in their tracks.

Remind him of what he has to lose if he fucks up - in the nicest way of course.

Tippytappy7543 · 03/04/2024 14:05

Yes I suppose I could make light of it, it's eating away at me at the moment.

OP posts:
Ohffsbarbara · 03/04/2024 14:06

Why would you not just go to the class with him?

That seems like the easiest solution to put the kibosh on this to me? If he makes excuses for you not to go you gave yourself answer. When my dh started a fitness class he was actively encouraging me to go with him.

Don’t try to be all cool girl about it!

Ohffsbarbara · 03/04/2024 14:06
  • have your answer!
nononocontact · 03/04/2024 14:07

He’s going early to chat to her so they’re at least friends. Why not just say about the card: oh that’s lovely, it seems like a nice class, I’d love to try it out too.
If he has a problem with you attending, then you know he’s behaving inappropriately.

Triffid1 · 03/04/2024 14:11

One thing I'd like to add here - because DH's attendees are sometimes a bit full on he does sometimes think about what the line is but also to what level he should reciprocate. And it can be quite difficult and this is a long-married man in his 50s. A younger, single woman might find that more complex.

For example, when DH turned 50, somehow tone of his classes found out and they threw him a little party. the whole thing was a bit annoying actually because the intentions were super sweet but they did it as a surprise after the class, on the day of his birthday, and quite frankly, he wanted to get home as we'd originally agreed to have a birthday lunch together. Luckily, we'd heard via the grapevine about the plan so we changed our plans. Another woman works for a sportswear brand so she's always giving DH samples etc. It's all very sweet but then he doesn't really know what, if anything, he should do in exchange. eg, if it's one of their birthdays should he be making more effort thaan a friendly "happy birthday Brenda" in the class.

So if your DH (and the rest of the class) are all becoming pally it might actually be hard for her to know exactly what's expected in return.

Surfapparel · 03/04/2024 14:15

Why not just talk to your husband about it?

Indifferentchickenwings · 03/04/2024 14:26

It’s a crush
for now … unless one of them oversteps the line

I did the same for a class instructor I like but I know he’s married and it’s just a crush

Aikko · 03/04/2024 14:47

BeClose · 03/04/2024 13:28

Why does it always start with a card, and a recently separated woman in her forties.

I wonder how many mumsnetters had this.

He's probably a bit giddy with this possible new found friendship, you will notice a spring in his step, but mention it to him and he will become defensive and start slating her.

As for her atempt to encourage mild flirtations to keep the punters onboard, if she had any sense, if those punters are married it's a sure fire way to decrease the numbers, once a wife finds out there's a predatory single middle aged woman moaning about her breakup.

It's not profesional, she should respect people's home and family life, leave off the kisses and be inclusive with the group.

There's not much you can do though, even if you stopped his gym visits, he would hate you for it, and if he continues, you will end up hating him, it's embarrasing having a 45 year old love struck idiot in the home, your daughter has cottoned on.

Good luck, barring an accident this one is going to play out...

100%

Looolaa · 03/04/2024 14:51

Tippytappy7543 · 03/04/2024 10:10

No partner

Many people with partners cheat anyway. So that’s neither here nor there.

Very often we see on here that someone’s husbands is with an OW who is married.

I agree with pp, that it’s a red flag he lied and said it was from everyone. At the very least he is likely to have a crush on this woman and it could escalate if he sees her that frequently.

Hellebor · 03/04/2024 14:51

Interesting how your DD was quite explicit in her words of warning @Tippytappy7543 don't you think? My experience of adult DC is that they will not be this explicit when they notice these things. They tend to hold back because, after all, it's their parents, and they aren't always sure of their own interpretation, or what is the right thing to do. They might make oblique comments like, they're not sure about (a potential OW/OM), they might make some comment about that person being 'off' or even finding them flirty. Isn't it unusual for a DC to actively say to watch out for that one?

Looolaa · 03/04/2024 14:53

Yes I was thinking this too @Hellebor it seems quite surprising the daughter mentioned this.

Tippytappy7543 · 03/04/2024 15:00

Hellebor · 03/04/2024 14:51

Interesting how your DD was quite explicit in her words of warning @Tippytappy7543 don't you think? My experience of adult DC is that they will not be this explicit when they notice these things. They tend to hold back because, after all, it's their parents, and they aren't always sure of their own interpretation, or what is the right thing to do. They might make oblique comments like, they're not sure about (a potential OW/OM), they might make some comment about that person being 'off' or even finding them flirty. Isn't it unusual for a DC to actively say to watch out for that one?

Totally agree she's usually spot on that's why it's stuck in my mind, I've sent her a pic of the card her words were "that's weeirrrdddd"

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 03/04/2024 15:27

I wouldn't say anything. As hard as that is, because if it were me i'd so tempted to be right in there probably going - "what the hell? Love? Thats not from the group". But, that will just make him realise he needs to be more careful, if there is anything going on that is!
As long as he thinks you're all fine and nothing is amiss, thats when he'll slip up.
If there is anything going on, there WILL BE a 'next thing' to add to the list. And then you start detective mode.

Any friends you can confide in that he doesn't know who could go along to the class by any chance? I know it sounds a bit stalkery, but he is your DH not some random you've formed an obesessive crush on, and I'm definitely not in the camp of the not snooping brigade who are prevelant on here. I'm all for, if they give you reason to doubt them, you check it out.

coastalhawk · 03/04/2024 15:32

Maybe, but it's one of those things you cannot control and trying to would only make your life amd relationship harder. Imo.

Tippytappy7543 · 03/04/2024 15:33

Bookworm20 · 03/04/2024 15:27

I wouldn't say anything. As hard as that is, because if it were me i'd so tempted to be right in there probably going - "what the hell? Love? Thats not from the group". But, that will just make him realise he needs to be more careful, if there is anything going on that is!
As long as he thinks you're all fine and nothing is amiss, thats when he'll slip up.
If there is anything going on, there WILL BE a 'next thing' to add to the list. And then you start detective mode.

Any friends you can confide in that he doesn't know who could go along to the class by any chance? I know it sounds a bit stalkery, but he is your DH not some random you've formed an obesessive crush on, and I'm definitely not in the camp of the not snooping brigade who are prevelant on here. I'm all for, if they give you reason to doubt them, you check it out.

Edited

I hear what you're saying and totally agree. I'm tempted but will keep quiet.
I don't know anyone else who can or goes to that class, it's not something I would want to do, I'd just show myself up in not the fittest!

OP posts:
ThisJoyousTaupeCat · 03/04/2024 18:39

Well the facts are he goes there early, they chat enough to know of her break up and for her to appreciate him enough to get him a birthday card and sign it only from her. It's very rare people bother giving birthday cards even to colleagues of many years.

Someone asked if he is hot, I was going to ask if he is rich! A personal trainer or class instructor is such an unstable job and fit men are a dime a dozen in her field. It's if he has a good job and money.

I think you just have to watch it unfold.

Tippytappy7543 · 03/04/2024 19:21

ThisJoyousTaupeCat · 03/04/2024 18:39

Well the facts are he goes there early, they chat enough to know of her break up and for her to appreciate him enough to get him a birthday card and sign it only from her. It's very rare people bother giving birthday cards even to colleagues of many years.

Someone asked if he is hot, I was going to ask if he is rich! A personal trainer or class instructor is such an unstable job and fit men are a dime a dozen in her field. It's if he has a good job and money.

I think you just have to watch it unfold.

Edited

He's not rich, but he may be to her I don't know.

OP posts:
Redhops · 04/04/2024 13:34

I am an ex fitness model and instructor and yes i do send my ALL my clients birthday wishes and cards, generally with the same message -"happy birthday and best wishes, x". But adding "love" seems a bit over the top, rather odd.
I get approached by clients - men and women, all the time - working hours or otherwise, but i always kept it professional. Of course, different people have different motives and perhaps not all fitness instructors are equal in their professionalism.
Maybe he needs to focus more on his fitness than the instructor itself. Change classes!

Burntouted · 04/04/2024 22:21

Are you consistently questioning, lacking trust, and showing signs of paranoia? Is there any past behavior from him that provided concrete evidence for your distrust? Could it be that you have deep-seated trust issues stemming from previous relationships?

It's possible that she signs all cards in a similar manner as a friendly gesture and a way to show appreciation for those attending her class. Perhaps even those of family and friends as well.

Perhaps he isn't necessarily going to the gym early; maybe he goes somewhere to enjoy a meal or other activity. It's also possible that he goes to the gym early to socialize or because he values getting a good spot in class. Alternatively, he might simply enjoy his alone time elsewhere.

Maybe he didn't disclose that the gift was from her because he's wary of your tendency to overreact and jump to conclusions.

There are numerous potential explanations.

It's possible that neither of them finds the other attractive.
Conversations between men and women don't always signify attraction; not everyone is universally appealing.

The card might be displayed because he genuinely likes it and appreciates the gesture, especially if you haven't expressed any negativity towards it.

Without solid evidence, it's unfair to assume there's something romantic happening between them.

Consider giving him the benefit of the doubt until substantial evidence suggests otherwise. If that happens, address it accordingly.

If you consistently exhibit paranoia and mistrust, it might be best to reconsider the relationship. Continuously doubting him isn't healthy or fair, particularly if he's innocent.

coastalhawk · 06/04/2024 20:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

New posts on this thread. Refresh page