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Original poster

Would this concern you?

98 replies

Tippytappy7543 · 03/04/2024 08:15

So DH goes to a gym class 2/3 a week, same instructor, they are around the same age, (45) I've seen photos of the instructor and my DD said she's attractive you'll have to watch her lol!
He came back last week with a birthday card from her stating it was from all of them at the gym, when I read it it's just from her not everyone at all just from her....with love X.
He always manages to get to the class way earlier than necessary as well.
Seems a bit odd she'd go to this trouble or am I overthinking here?

OP posts:
Minefield231 · 03/04/2024 10:57

Does she run personal training class? Some( or most?) trainers don’t mind clients having crush on them to lure them in.

Surfapparel · 03/04/2024 10:58

OP how do you know she doesn't have a partner?

delphi13 · 03/04/2024 11:03

Tippytappy7543 · 03/04/2024 08:15

So DH goes to a gym class 2/3 a week, same instructor, they are around the same age, (45) I've seen photos of the instructor and my DD said she's attractive you'll have to watch her lol!
He came back last week with a birthday card from her stating it was from all of them at the gym, when I read it it's just from her not everyone at all just from her....with love X.
He always manages to get to the class way earlier than necessary as well.
Seems a bit odd she'd go to this trouble or am I overthinking here?

I got to my class early, I have to set up my weights and mat otherwise my preferred spot in the room is taken and the weight selection is depleted. I don't talk to the instructor during that time as mostly they are still running another class at that time but also because I'm an anti social fucker and like to sit in the cafe doom scrolling.

I think a birthday card is a bit unusual from her though. They don't do that sort of thing at our gym. Seems unlikely she gives a card to everyone. It would get my spidey senses twitching.

PotatoPudding · 03/04/2024 11:04

I always go early to get my spot and have a chat with the class.

Triffid1 · 03/04/2024 11:06

I largely agree with @Yankeescot because DH is an instructor and a lot of that rings true. the only thing that I'd say is specifically different is that a lot of this sort of class bonding/celebrating in his case is driven by the attendees rather than him, but I tend to suspect that has a great deal to do with the fact that he's a man (the man can't organise a birthdy present for DD, he's never going to get himself sorted in a gym class but luckily he has all these lovely ladies who will do it for him! sigh.).

But absolutely, gyms do make an effort for regulars. Birthdays are flagged on the system and even DH would do a "Happy Birthday Jack" as a result at the start of a class. Also yes re people getting there early.

Also, as someone who suspects at least one or two of the ladies have mild crushes on DH (only one has ever done anything borderline inappropriate and many of his classes are filled with older ladies who enjoy having an older male instructor), I think the instructor is there to keep everyone happy and facilitate the classes. It's like any other service industry - you can get on with your hairdresser or nail technician or masseuse or physiotherapist, but at the end of the day, you're just a client for them.

delphi13 · 03/04/2024 11:10

I should also say, it was flagged on the system on my birthday. The receptionist wished me happy birthday and then the person serving at the cafe. I was offered a free drink (this is their standard offer) no cards were proffered in my direction though.

Original poster
Tippytappy7543 · 03/04/2024 11:12

Surfapparel · 03/04/2024 10:58

OP how do you know she doesn't have a partner?

He's mentioned it a while ago she was moaning about the break up

OP posts:
IncognitoMam · 03/04/2024 11:22

@Tippytappy7543 have you name changed or is this your first post?

Most couples I know use the same gym. That would be a solution as has been mentioned. Or say you might join and start that class seen as it's so good see his reaction?

The info he knows just seems odd to me 🤔

Throwawayme · 03/04/2024 11:24

I honestly don't think it'd bother me, it's just a card. Also I always arrive at my classes early

Nicetobenice67 · 03/04/2024 11:27

I would be all over this …it’s bloody weird and I would be letting her know I know sorry it is suspicious

DrJoanAllenby · 03/04/2024 11:27

Chances are she butters up her clients by sending birthday cards as a small but effective gesture of them coming back for more classes.

The men are flattered and may allow their egos to think she fancies them.

Nothing happens between them and she gets repeat/loyal customers and he has a nice ego boost.

Sceptical123 · 03/04/2024 12:10

Tippytappy7543 · 03/04/2024 09:05

25 minutes

Show quote history

😳

Surfapparel · 03/04/2024 12:18

Tippytappy7543 · 03/04/2024 11:12

He's mentioned it a while ago she was moaning about the break up

Show quote history

They might be back together, or she might be with someone new. I think you're reading a lot this situation. What type of class is it? Have you ever asked why he gets there so early?

Bookworm20 · 03/04/2024 12:21

Well I think because its now more than one thing, your gut instinct is kicking in and noticing little bits here and there.

  1. Starting to go 25 minutes earlier to class. When did he start doing this and how long did he take the class for before this started happening? (If he started going early 2 or 3 weeks in, he may have realised he needs to secure his 'spot'. If it a change from a long term routine though that could seem a little odd with no explanation as to why)
  2. A card to say happy birthday - no issue. A card with 'love x' on the bottom, not exactly the norm in a client/customer scenario. (of course she could just be gushy)
  3. He has mentioned her. In a personal sense. Looking at photos on her phone of her pets, and also she has spoken to him about her relationship. (unless these are passing chats with the group in general and everyone was cooing over her pet pictures and joining in the convo about her breakup).

So they all have a perfectly ok explanation. And each on their own would not set off any alarms, I think the fact though that there are now 3 things, when put to together could make 3 or they could make 5 is what has knocked you off kilter a bit.

My advice would be to watch and wait. Try not to jump to any conclusions, but now that you are sort of aware there are a few things that seem a little 'off' you'll notice if anything else is mentioned or changes.

And he didn't exactly show you the card? Just put it up with his others? perhaps he assumed you wouldn't look as he'd already said it was from everyone. But that is the bit that doesn't make sense to me. Why say its from everyone when it was very clearly just from her? And if he said that because he thought you may feel a bit odd about it, why bring it home at all?
My guess is because the card meant something to him, so he wanted to display it, but didn't want you to think it was from her. Why is that?

Original poster
Tippytappy7543 · 03/04/2024 12:29

Bookworm20 · 03/04/2024 12:21

Well I think because its now more than one thing, your gut instinct is kicking in and noticing little bits here and there.

  1. Starting to go 25 minutes earlier to class. When did he start doing this and how long did he take the class for before this started happening? (If he started going early 2 or 3 weeks in, he may have realised he needs to secure his 'spot'. If it a change from a long term routine though that could seem a little odd with no explanation as to why)
  2. A card to say happy birthday - no issue. A card with 'love x' on the bottom, not exactly the norm in a client/customer scenario. (of course she could just be gushy)
  3. He has mentioned her. In a personal sense. Looking at photos on her phone of her pets, and also she has spoken to him about her relationship. (unless these are passing chats with the group in general and everyone was cooing over her pet pictures and joining in the convo about her breakup).

So they all have a perfectly ok explanation. And each on their own would not set off any alarms, I think the fact though that there are now 3 things, when put to together could make 3 or they could make 5 is what has knocked you off kilter a bit.

My advice would be to watch and wait. Try not to jump to any conclusions, but now that you are sort of aware there are a few things that seem a little 'off' you'll notice if anything else is mentioned or changes.

And he didn't exactly show you the card? Just put it up with his others? perhaps he assumed you wouldn't look as he'd already said it was from everyone. But that is the bit that doesn't make sense to me. Why say its from everyone when it was very clearly just from her? And if he said that because he thought you may feel a bit odd about it, why bring it home at all?
My guess is because the card meant something to him, so he wanted to display it, but didn't want you to think it was from her. Why is that?

Thanks you've made some really good points here, especially the last one.
Yes it's bugging me why he said everyone and yes it's on display, he knew I'd looked but I didn't comment, do you think I should?
It was only my Spidey senses with my daughter saying a few months ago 'hey you want to watch her!'

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 03/04/2024 12:37

Has your dd met her? Or seen a picture? How did it even come about your dd knowing who this woman is and what she looks like?
Again prob nothing, but has your dh mentioned his instructor to dd and she looked her up?
Its likely absolutely nothing. But I think in your shoes, i'd be feeling a bit off about it all too. Watch and wait is my advice.

Maybe also try and find something he absolutely needs to help you with right before his class. So he isn't late for the class but would not be able to arrive 25 minutes early. And see how irritated he gets at YOU for missing out on his 25 minutes pre-workout time. This should give you an idea as to where his head is. He shouldn't mind helping you with something important over a pre-workout chat with buddies at the gym. If he gets over the top annoyed or refuses to help you then yes you may have a problem on your hands.

Original poster
Tippytappy7543 · 03/04/2024 12:45

Bookworm20 · 03/04/2024 12:37

Has your dd met her? Or seen a picture? How did it even come about your dd knowing who this woman is and what she looks like?
Again prob nothing, but has your dh mentioned his instructor to dd and she looked her up?
Its likely absolutely nothing. But I think in your shoes, i'd be feeling a bit off about it all too. Watch and wait is my advice.

Maybe also try and find something he absolutely needs to help you with right before his class. So he isn't late for the class but would not be able to arrive 25 minutes early. And see how irritated he gets at YOU for missing out on his 25 minutes pre-workout time. This should give you an idea as to where his head is. He shouldn't mind helping you with something important over a pre-workout chat with buddies at the gym. If he gets over the top annoyed or refuses to help you then yes you may have a problem on your hands.

He showed her photos they share on the wassap group for an event, I saw them too.
It's an early class so he's always up and away (naturally!) sets off at 745am, trying to think of how I can stall it what would I need help with?

OP posts:
Ohffsbarbara · 03/04/2024 12:47

Oh no I wouldn’t like that at all.

To those saying “why would he show you the card” men often have their dalliances in plain sight - they’re not daft, they know how psychology works. If he hid it or was shifty you’d sniff it out.

When I was having an affair with a married man (who claimed he and his wife were separated but living as friends which turned out to be a pack of lies!) he shared the birthday cake and booze I bought him with her, telling her it was off his friend who has the same name as me because when she asked who’d given it to him he accidentally let my name slip out.
I think he got off on doing stuff like this.

Id be suggesting going to the class with him and seeing how that goes down.

IncognitoMam · 03/04/2024 12:50

Can you get a day pass? Say you fancy trying her class? He'll encourage you if he has nothing to hide. My dh would.

Original poster
Tippytappy7543 · 03/04/2024 12:51

I feel like saying "I thought this was from everyone and why has she put love and kisses, seems a bit unprofessional to me" but then he'd probably either get on the defensive and then never mention her again or try to make a joke about it saying that's just how she is.

OP posts:
workshy46 · 03/04/2024 12:56

Sorry but thats totally weird. I do a one one one session with a male instructor and have for two years so know him v v well at this stage and I have never given or received a birthday card

We get on really well but it is so easy for lines to be blurred
I would really not be happy about this. Certainly going 25 minutes earlier- he has a crush and she is encouraging it. Especially love x , I would never add and x when writing a card or sending a message to a man

2andadog · 03/04/2024 13:06

I think you're maybe being a bit paranoid.

Men are RUBBISH at knowing how to behave or handling something they feel may be slightly controversial!

Chances are he finds her mildly attractive and enjoys a bit of a flirt, feels mildly guilty about it so tries to minimise it as isn't sure how it would go down (hence not explicitly saying the card is just from her).

DH when we first dated had had a long flirtation with someone which was on social media for all to see. I was insecure cos he was shifty about it, and hid stuff from me. Turns out he was ashamed about it as it was completely one way and he was embarrassed. We had a few occasions where he thought he was doing the best thing by not saying anything about something, but actually it just raised flags to me. Since we had words about it, we now talk openly about our friendships/daft flirting and have a bit of fun with it.

We are avid gym goers, we often get there early for a bit of a chat/stretch/warmup beforehand. I also say "much love" etc etc to lots of people! Honestly, try not to worry about it. It won't change anything anyway!!

BeClose · 03/04/2024 13:28

Why does it always start with a card, and a recently separated woman in her forties.

I wonder how many mumsnetters had this.

He's probably a bit giddy with this possible new found friendship, you will notice a spring in his step, but mention it to him and he will become defensive and start slating her.

As for her atempt to encourage mild flirtations to keep the punters onboard, if she had any sense, if those punters are married it's a sure fire way to decrease the numbers, once a wife finds out there's a predatory single middle aged woman moaning about her breakup.

It's not profesional, she should respect people's home and family life, leave off the kisses and be inclusive with the group.

There's not much you can do though, even if you stopped his gym visits, he would hate you for it, and if he continues, you will end up hating him, it's embarrasing having a 45 year old love struck idiot in the home, your daughter has cottoned on.

Good luck, barring an accident this one is going to play out...

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 03/04/2024 13:47

I would be sus about that. Admittedly it's been some years since I attended a gym class, but essentially a teacher, giving a birthday card like that? She definitely fancies him.

Original poster
Tippytappy7543 · 03/04/2024 13:50

BeClose · 03/04/2024 13:28

Why does it always start with a card, and a recently separated woman in her forties.

I wonder how many mumsnetters had this.

He's probably a bit giddy with this possible new found friendship, you will notice a spring in his step, but mention it to him and he will become defensive and start slating her.

As for her atempt to encourage mild flirtations to keep the punters onboard, if she had any sense, if those punters are married it's a sure fire way to decrease the numbers, once a wife finds out there's a predatory single middle aged woman moaning about her breakup.

It's not profesional, she should respect people's home and family life, leave off the kisses and be inclusive with the group.

There's not much you can do though, even if you stopped his gym visits, he would hate you for it, and if he continues, you will end up hating him, it's embarrasing having a 45 year old love struck idiot in the home, your daughter has cottoned on.

Good luck, barring an accident this one is going to play out...

I know you are spot on, I don't think I'd gain anything other than putting his back up if I raised it.
Put up and shut up just keep observing I suppose like you say I can't and don't want to stop him but it does make me feel uncomfortable.

OP posts: