Were you happier after leaving?

[adenadele]

Just that, really. I’m on the cusp of leaving my husband for good after 5 years of ups and downs. I would be leaving a nice house I made a home in an amazing city where you need money to have a good life (so I will have to move away back to near my family), the kind of financial stability I will never have again realistically, a 2 parent household for dd and stupid stuff that makes life nicer like luxuries - lovely holidays, beauty treatments, nicer clothes. I am well aware this isn’t the stuff that life is about and I know H and I will never be happy together again. I’ve been proved right on this time and time again, done a year of counselling with him and individually, ‘Tried’. The stuff we clash over won’t change. We haven’t had sex in over 6 months and no desire to either side. Tons of resentment.

I would like to know - were you happier? Was the grass greener on the other side, even with less money and security? I’m almost 36, could go either way with having more dc but id like to think one day I could meet someone else. I have a good job, decently attractive. I would like to know honest experiences of leaving and starting over after a broken marriage. I’m scared.

I was like this. My ex wasn't abusive, he didn't have any addictions and he wasn't particularly cruel but he was cold and distant and put me down. Our sex life was dead, he was becoming more and more hostile and I began to hear our son parrot his dismissive attitude towards me. That's when I knew I had to go.

He was hurt but we did 50:50 custody and get on fine now.

Thank you for sharing. Sex life is long gone, my doing but I had lost the love and attraction. There is no joy and no fun and I'm a real people person so I'm just a shell of myself on the inside.

I was and am 100% happier that I left my DH. It's been almost 4 years. You can't underestimate the psychological toll of being in a primary, daily relationship where you are constantly angry or annoyed or resentful. It was like an enormous cloud lifted and I felt like myself again after 20 years. Our toxic marriage was deforming my soul.

My children were 6 and 10. They were sad but we coparent relatively well so it's been fine. They now have a much more peaceful and stable home.

I was fortunate in that I always maintained a solid career and my ex DH was totally irresponsible with money so I've actually been better off financially since we broke up. Maybe not purely in terms of annual income but certainly in that I am now totally in control of my finances and am not always fixing the messes he made.

I have also met a wonderful man and am enjoying being in a good relationship for the first time ever in my life. So overall divorce has been a godsend for me.

You can't underestimate the psychological toll of being in a primary, daily relationship where you are constantly angry or annoyed or resentful. It was like an enormous cloud lifted and I felt like myself again after 20 years. Our toxic marriage was deforming my soul.

This!! 👏

This is one of my favourite threads ever on Mumsnet. I wish it could continue for a long time and be somehow ‘pinned’ so that women in toxic/abusive/miserable relationships could see there is light at the end of the tunnel!

Wow. Thabk you and well done. That psychological toll really is heavy... it's accumulative too so you don't realise what you're tolerating.

I'm actually much better off financially after leaving my ex - I now have a career, equity, and independence. I choose where my money goes, and when, how to invest, stick to a budget, etc etc.

I'm much better off, in every measurable and immeasurable way. 💪

It's so hard not to think like that isn't it? I'm similar length of time to you and have been thinking about it for so many years now. I feel bad for both him and me.

So much happier. I felt very guilty for choosing my happiness over the dc and exh but it all worked out well.

I met a lovely man not long after - am remarried and financially much better off than I was when I was first married.

It did coincide with me retraining and having a better career of my own too so that helped.

I wish I'd done it years ago and had more happy years. I was 39 when I left

I do worry I have Stockholm syndrome or something as I keep returning to the good times and feeling ‘safe’ with H even though he has caused me so much anxiety and pain over the years. His sulks and anger led to a MH crisis a few years ago where I had to take time off work and I wasn’t able to eat solid food! And yet I see him as my ‘safe place’ a lot of that because of money I think. Sadly I met a lovely man who wanted to be with me but he had less money and career prospects and I chose H. I regret that a lot. But we can’t help coming from tough backgrounds where survival is so important. The good news is I have built a decent career of my own and can continue to grow it.
these stories are very empowering, thank you.

It’s called freedom. Every day I am so happy that I’m no longer tied to someone who dragged me down. Other shit has happened since we split but the joy of freedom has never left me.

@adenadele - Do some research on toxic relationships. There’s so much out there. Stockholm Syndrome isn’t quite the word, but similar…

Those of you worrying about the financial side after divorce need to see a solicitor to find out what you’ll possibly end up with. All family lawyers will see you for an hour. You may have to pay, but it’ll be the best money you’ll spend.

I was using money as an excuse but after my meeting, I knew I could no longer use it. It was time to go…

100% agree. Its sould destroying.
Removing myself from that toxity far outweighs everything else

I was unfortunate enough to get bad advice from the 1st solicitor I went to. She scared the hell out of me, so much so I remained a further year in my awful relationship!

Yes. It was hard at first- many changes are. But I’m much happier on my own with my kids

Re the psychological toll of being in a bad marriage- I think this affects women more than men, perhaps because we see ourselves as responsible for the emotional dynamics of our relationships. A lot of the commentary I see on how people give up on relationships too easily seems to come from men who don't understand this.

It breaks my heart to read threads here or elsewhere where women say things like, "my husband is a miserable git who refuses to deal with X massive issue and I've been desperately unhappy for the last 20 years but in only 10 years the kids will be out of the house and I can finally leave him". Life is short and no one is going to give you a medal for suffering through a bad marriage!

Before you throw in the towel - and IF there is no abuse and tension - have you considered separating under same roof - sort of arrangement? If you take the pressure of fixing it off - and you live together as co-parents for a while - maybe it’ll give you some time to figure out next steps?
And a way to not having to move cities - even if you have to sell and move
to a smaller place?
After all - once spit you’ll have to share time with your child and you and H will need to be in the same area

This is where I am. It isn't easy but it seems right for now. Someone posted once that it took them a while to enter marriage and it is taking a while to get out of it - this applies to me. I'm using this time to build up my social life etc. It can't go on forever and it won't, it's just taking me a while but things are slowly lining up.

@AreWeThereYet69 Im sorry you had such a bad experience. I hope you found the right person to help you in the end.

I would always encourage a chat over the phone in the first instance before even meeting a solicitor F2F. They need to ‘get’ you and your situation, and legally have your back going through the process.

Money,luxuries couldn't come close to mine and child's happiness. I left and never looked back

I cried for a week when he moved out, but I'd instigated the separation after two years of consideration. Once I'd moved things around in the house so it didn't look so much like someone had upped and left, I relaxed and I've been happier since. Work colleagues commented on it pretty much straight away.

I'm nearly 50 and this was two years ago. I'm not interested in another relationship though, and I'm financially stable - it was tough at first but a couple of decent pay rises and some savvy budgeting and I'm in a better place.

I miss companionship but I hadn't had that with my husband for a long time, so I don't miss him, just the hope of how it should have been.

I don't miss the tiptoeing around his moods, or clearing up after him, the snoring, the constant bloody football on the telly.

Check out trauma bonding, OP. It is a kind of Stockholm syndrome.