Were you happier after leaving?

[adenadele]

Just that, really. I’m on the cusp of leaving my husband for good after 5 years of ups and downs. I would be leaving a nice house I made a home in an amazing city where you need money to have a good life (so I will have to move away back to near my family), the kind of financial stability I will never have again realistically, a 2 parent household for dd and stupid stuff that makes life nicer like luxuries - lovely holidays, beauty treatments, nicer clothes. I am well aware this isn’t the stuff that life is about and I know H and I will never be happy together again. I’ve been proved right on this time and time again, done a year of counselling with him and individually, ‘Tried’. The stuff we clash over won’t change. We haven’t had sex in over 6 months and no desire to either side. Tons of resentment.

I would like to know - were you happier? Was the grass greener on the other side, even with less money and security? I’m almost 36, could go either way with having more dc but id like to think one day I could meet someone else. I have a good job, decently attractive. I would like to know honest experiences of leaving and starting over after a broken marriage. I’m scared.

No, not instantly. There were moments (not too many) where I was devastated but I honestly don't know why given how horribly I'd been treated. But after almost 20 years with someone it was a huge change. After about 6 months those moments became less and less and now almost 3 years later I am 100% sure I made the right decision, for everyone involved.

Please
can I follow ….
feeling the same and don’t want to separate and be a lonely spinster !

This is helpful thanks. I’m still in those first 6 months (only at 3 months actually) and still often feel I’m at the grief stage. Also house/finances etc not sorted yet which I’d imagine makes a big difference.

Financially much poorer but my life is so much calmer and stress free. The best decision I ever made. Should have done it 10 years earlier.

Do any of you have young kids?

DC 7 and 9 when first separated

@trythisforsize thanks, mine are 5 and 8 and just shit scared for robbing them of family unit (even though it's not ideal either)

I left my ExH 5 years ago now, kids were 3 and 6 at the time. I have never regretted it. First year was the hardest, financially I have struggled massively and my 6 year old would get upset. Kids are now 8 and 11, well grounded with a lovely life. I have my own home now and a career I adore (that my ExH did not want me to do). Advice I would give -
*don’t let the guilt affect finances - take what you’re entitled to (I didn’t and wish I had)
*give yourself sometime before trying to date - find out who you are and be ok being by yourself
*It takes time - took me 1 year for the overwhelming sickening guilt to ease and two years in total to feel completely ok with my decision.
*Don’t let friends and family influence you or make you feel guilty. They are not living your life- you are.
You get one life, it is far to short to spend it being unhappy and modelling a crappy relationship to your DD. Leave and don’t look back.

Stability, calm, fun and affection surely is better than a tense family unit?

That's what I believed anyhow. My DC's became gradually calmer and happier once their life was peaceful and predictable.

Sometimes you just have to go with what you believe in, and take a leap of faith

It's happening but it's right now Jump off the cliff time this month. My mind is in overdrive checking for the millionth time I haven't forgotten to think of some other perspective etc. but yes it's a leap of faith.

FAITH :)

I'm happier in the sense that I don't have to put up with living with an emotionally abusive partner anymore, wondering if I would say "the wrong thing" and what his mood would be like. Happier that my DC don't have to watch their Dad run me down at every possible moment due to his jealously of my career. Also happier as I sit in a house which is all mine, in an area he said we couldn't afford.

I'm not happier in the sense that this wasn't the life I envisaged for myself and my DC. My parents will have been married 47 years this year, together over 50 years. I always thought I would bring up my DC in a strong, loving marriage with their Dad, and that's never going to happen. After nearly 3 years single, I'm now ready to meet someone new, however I've mainly been doing OLD, and it is like wading through the absolute depths of hell.

So it's a mix really, but overall, paragraph 1 vastly outweighs paragraph 2, and I don't regret leaving him for a moment.

No

Yes. My first husband was a right twat though.

Agree with PP that it takes time. After the initial separation whilst the divorce was going through it was a mixed bag of stress, heightened emotions and relief that I had my own space, time and freedom which made me happier. Once the divorce was finalised and I was in my own place, there was some adjustments and processing but honestly I was so much happier. I don't have as many holidays or as many treats but being happy has made up for those. I have met someone else now and am in no rush to move in or anything as I like my house and my space too much.

I divorced my H after 18 or so years of marriage. No kids. Much happier ever since. Took a while to re-adjust and to begin to feel like me again but I got there. Only sorry I didn’t do it sooner, such a waste of all those years.

I am in a similar position to the OP so would like to follow this.

For me, it's the thought of losing him that scares me (even though he treats me badly).

Oh God, yes, it's absolute bliss.

There was a really stressful 3 to 6 months initially, but I never doubted I was doing the right thing.

I have less money now, but I am happy.

Another one in the same position as you, OP. It's sad that there's so many women in relationships like this.

For me, I'm scared to leave because my children are so young. Their dad is a functioning alcoholic and I constantly hope he will sort it out and that this might stop the mood swings and grumpiness but he's not going to stop any time soon. However the same reason that I want to leave is also the biggest part of why I'm staying right now, because I don't want to leave my young children on their own with him. He would be given access by a court if I left and I would be scared of him having them overnight because it's at nighttime that he drinks. So for now I'm trying to hold on so that I am always there, but it feels like shit.

Yes it's financially harder. No I was a similar age, and though dated a lot, never found someone worthy of sticking with and stayed a single mother, did not have more than the 1 DC I had. I would of liked to have found someone else, but it wasn't to be, it doesn't always happen. However, I'm sure I'm happier than I would of been had I stuck with it. I found me, I know what I like and have a super strong bond with my DC - lots of fun and laughs and lots of appreciation for each other. There are always reasons to be grateful, even if life doesn't pan out quite like you'd hope.

It’s been almost 6 months for me, and I’m getting there.
I have good days, and I have shit days. (These are usually due to guilt as a mother and missing the kids, we co parent). But the good days are definitely increasing, and I don’t regret my decision. It had been a long time coming. I actually still wish I’d done it way sooner.

So sorry, that sounds so hard
Your kids are lucky to have you.

Have you thought of contacting women’s aid or similar? Or other legal advice? If he’s a risk to the children he shouldn’t be allowed to have them on his own (but I realise it doesn’t always go like this in reality).

I have seen different outcomes.
Women who left abusive relationships - tend to have weight lifted. But if they struggle financially - it sometimes replaces one bad thing with another.
A couple of women left to meet someone more exciting - possibly our version of mid-life crisis. They are still looking and not really better off.
Other divorces work out well and both people
end up happier.
There is a wide range of outcomes possible.

Before you throw in the towel - and IF there is no abuse and tension - have you considered separating under same roof - sort of arrangement? If you take the pressure of fixing it off - and you live together as co-parents for a while - maybe it’ll give you some time to figure out next steps?
And a way to not having to move cities - even if you have to sell and move
to a smaller place?
After all - once spit you’ll have to share time with your child and you and H will need to be in the same area

I haven't to be honest as I didn't feel at that stage yet. He's not a risk in the sense of doing anything physical towards them, but he drinks to the point that he is so difficult to wake through the night and our children are just 1 and 3 and so I wouldn't feel OK with him having them overnight. I know that he would be granted access by a court though as we have full time custody of his 2 older children and that was a court decision.

Yes I was happier. Left when DC was 18
months. Divorce was a mess. He didn’t pay anything and I ended up with all his debts when he left the country.
Biggest mistake was jumping into another relationship. I should have got used to being alone. That one lasted 20 years until he died and I realised that he had controlled my whole life from the age of 26.
Now I’m free and happy with my own company but have met someone else since.

F