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Original poster

Were you happier after leaving?

96 replies

adenadele · 02/04/2024 20:10

Just that, really. I’m on the cusp of leaving my husband for good after 5 years of ups and downs. I would be leaving a nice house I made a home in an amazing city where you need money to have a good life (so I will have to move away back to near my family), the kind of financial stability I will never have again realistically, a 2 parent household for dd and stupid stuff that makes life nicer like luxuries - lovely holidays, beauty treatments, nicer clothes. I am well aware this isn’t the stuff that life is about and I know H and I will never be happy together again. I’ve been proved right on this time and time again, done a year of counselling with him and individually, ‘Tried’. The stuff we clash over won’t change. We haven’t had sex in over 6 months and no desire to either side. Tons of resentment.

I would like to know - were you happier? Was the grass greener on the other side, even with less money and security? I’m almost 36, could go either way with having more dc but id like to think one day I could meet someone else. I have a good job, decently attractive. I would like to know honest experiences of leaving and starting over after a broken marriage. I’m scared.

OP posts:
Andthereyougo · 03/04/2024 03:34

I was 40. Didn’t think of myself as single, just free.
Life got better and better from that first day of freedom.

Meadowfinch · 03/04/2024 04:00

Yes, without a doubt. Within hours.

I moved me and ds from a 4 bed village house in a desirable village in the Midlands where I didn't have to work, to a grotty 1 bed rented flat in the south, where I worked full time. It took me another year to get sorted and buy a home of my own. I was 47. DS was 2.

The relief was indescribable A gilded cage is still a cage.

Nonewclothes2024 · 03/04/2024 04:22

comfyslippets · 02/04/2024 20:52

And I left with absolutely nothing (husband refused and still refuses to sell house) and built everything up again from charity/second hand shops. My children are so much happier too. Definitely worth it

You can force a sale.

lifesrichpageant · 03/04/2024 04:32

Haven't done it myself but have supported 2 or 3 friends through this and they are all much better off. But one friend said that she was not looking to be "happier" per se but to "find peace". There are still struggles and challenges but my friends are all more grounded and at peace with themselves. Kids calmer too.

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 03/04/2024 05:09

Not me, but have two friends who left abusive men.

One is 50, with a ten year old. They split but lived together for two years, dating other people. She’s happy, I don’t think she’s really looking for a relationship at the moment but has no end of offers. She’s been able to buy her own home.

Another 36, no children and hasn’t met anyone and isn’t really trying, still loves her ex. She wants to be in a relationship and not go through the mill of dating. Wants a baby. Currently owns a large house but will now need to rent a one bed flat/house-share or move out of area. Is very unhappy.

Another friend’s partner told her he’s bisexual. She’s 40, was hoping to start a family, that’s off the plate now, but she remains with him. She’s cut herself off from all her friends. Last relationship she had her partner was cheating the entire time, it only ended when he found another meal ticket. She has her own home thankfully.

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 03/04/2024 06:47

@MMmomDD You cannot put a price on a peaceful life. As others have shown, re establishing your finances can be very hard and it takes time.

But… you can change your finances.

You cannot change the abusive twat you’ve found yourself married to.

Raver84 · 03/04/2024 07:34

My husband was a debt accumulating alcoholic who never helped with the kids. He was such a terrible husband.

We divorced about 4 years ago and now I'm so much happier. Money wise I'm better off as I'm now working full time, got a degree last year and without his shitty spending habits and debts I have enough where as before I went without.

The kids re happier with me, he sees them every other weekend. He has totally removed himself from their day to day life. That was hard but now I just accept it for what it is. That's his choice and his loss as their relationship isn't great.

It took me a while to get to being happy, finding out what made me happy and to get over the end of the relationship. His behaviour during the aftermath of the separation was awful stalking and harassing me. Once that stopped, life just got better all round. I never think of him now which is so freeing.

I have dated a bit but just happier on my own with the kids. I have a job I love and home I can afford. We have fun. There are no argument. There is no drinking or his messy habits and living with someone who is here but not here to help was draining.

Do what's right for you but don't expect to feel instantly better. It takesntime

xSideshowAuntSallyx · 03/04/2024 07:40

Yes. Money isn't everything, my happiness means more than any house. The money wasn't enough for me to put up with his shit anymore.

I have a smaller home, less money but I'm much happier.

For me it took about 3 months, I was in rented after we sold the marital home but the moment I found somewhere to buy I was much happier as it was the start of a new life.

user1471538283 · 03/04/2024 07:52

Yes I was. I felt so much relief and despite the ups and downs I've never ever wanted him or that time back.

tiggersfamily · 03/04/2024 08:05

Yes, 10000% yes. 3 years on, so proud of myself

tiggersfamily · 03/04/2024 08:15

wherediditallgosowrong · 02/04/2024 23:37

Do any of you have young kids?

I had a 6mo and a 2 year old when we separated. I felt the relief of him not being there instantly, although I was grieving the family I wanted for a long time

Chocaholicnightmare · 03/04/2024 08:29

In a nutshell, yes, absolutely. I don't think I ever really fancied my husband/ enjoyed spending time with him and despite us making a good life with 2 gorgeous DC, it wasn't enough for me. I think the (very brief) affair I had was going to happen at some point and I am not proud of it, nor do I think it is ever the right way to go about things. Luckily he never found out, nor did my children or most of my friends except the really trusted ones, because my life would have been hell. Luckily I'm not with the AP now, as it wouldn't have worked. The affair gave me the courage to recognise that I needed to leave for me, not for anyone else.

I'm so grateful that I had stayed in a good profession that I could go back to being full time. I live close to my ex and we co-parent 50/50. The split was horrendous because he wouldn't accept it/he wanted me to suffer. I get that now. I'm in my early 50s and been with someone I met OLD for nearly 5 years. I realise now how much happier I am in this relationship. It's not just about attraction (but I'm head over heels attracted to him), but having fun, laughing and treating each other with respect. My friends can see I'm happier and my children are well-adjusted/ have two parents who love them.

Arrivederla · 03/04/2024 08:45

Yes, and I left in my late 50s and was really worried about how I would manage financially. I managed to get a better job - even at my advanced age - and just feel so much happier and more peaceful.

I will say that I did have a lot of support from family and friends though, which made a big difference.

wherediditallgosowrong · 03/04/2024 11:43

Chocaholicnightmare · 03/04/2024 08:29

In a nutshell, yes, absolutely. I don't think I ever really fancied my husband/ enjoyed spending time with him and despite us making a good life with 2 gorgeous DC, it wasn't enough for me. I think the (very brief) affair I had was going to happen at some point and I am not proud of it, nor do I think it is ever the right way to go about things. Luckily he never found out, nor did my children or most of my friends except the really trusted ones, because my life would have been hell. Luckily I'm not with the AP now, as it wouldn't have worked. The affair gave me the courage to recognise that I needed to leave for me, not for anyone else.

I'm so grateful that I had stayed in a good profession that I could go back to being full time. I live close to my ex and we co-parent 50/50. The split was horrendous because he wouldn't accept it/he wanted me to suffer. I get that now. I'm in my early 50s and been with someone I met OLD for nearly 5 years. I realise now how much happier I am in this relationship. It's not just about attraction (but I'm head over heels attracted to him), but having fun, laughing and treating each other with respect. My friends can see I'm happier and my children are well-adjusted/ have two parents who love them.

This is so good to read

Gettingbysomehow · 03/04/2024 12:06

Eventually much happier. The upheaval of actually leaving is awful like any big life change. Then you have a period of feeling empty and then things start getting better.
I felt suicidal in the last few years of my marriage and now I don't. That alone is a big sign that all was not well.

SpringleDingle · 03/04/2024 12:13

Yes - much happier. Divorced 6 years ago when DD was 7. Left him for being a lazy, ungrateful, uncaring, bum. He remains the same. He sees DD EOW (despite asking for 50:50 which I agreed to). He pays no maintenance BUT I earn a lot of money these days so I don't need it and haven't asked for it.

DD and I have our own little house (although my DP moved in this week) and are very happy!

Nomore45 · 03/04/2024 12:17

I can't overstate how wonderful the relief is. 15 years on, I still feel it. I see XH fairly regularly as we co-parent and I can still sense when he is in a mood. Only now, I don't have to deal with it!

I met a wonderful man when I was 43 (after years of being single) and we have the kind of life I always dreamed of. We've been together eight years and in all that time he has never thrown a strop or been in a mood.

However, even if I had never met my current DP, I would have been so happy being single. I LOVED my single years! I travelled, had amazing one on one time with my DC, opened myself up to new experiences. I struggled a bit financially, but got a Masters and things got better after that.

I think the greatest gift we can give ourselves is to be truly content in our own company. You can walk away from toxic situations if you have a great relationship with yourself.

rainbowbluepurple · 03/04/2024 12:19

These are so inspiring thank you! Flowers

BabePaley · 03/04/2024 12:35

I left my husband and the house of my dreams seven years ago at the age of 43 with a pre-teen son. It was a rollercoaster and I foolishly met someone quite soon after without spending time on my own or getting my head together. I'm living in my own much smaller house with him now. He's almost perfect for me but we have enough issues that I'm now thinking of breaking up the relationship if I have the resilience (doubtful). So it's not been boring but it has been stressful. Overall, I'm glad I left but I fear now that I'm going to be alone forever if this relationship ends. Not sure I have the energy for another one. My advice would be to become self-reliant and don't rush into another relationship too soon.

northernlight20 · 03/04/2024 13:37

i stayed over 10yrs longer than necessary and the damage to my children was huge. theyve had to have years of councelling. dont be me. now, theyre so much happier and calmer and met and married my new dh and everyone and everything is just so much better. now, my biggest regret is staying as long as i did.

wherediditallgosowrong · 03/04/2024 14:13

northernlight20 · 03/04/2024 13:37

i stayed over 10yrs longer than necessary and the damage to my children was huge. theyve had to have years of councelling. dont be me. now, theyre so much happier and calmer and met and married my new dh and everyone and everything is just so much better. now, my biggest regret is staying as long as i did.

What were the reasons you left?

northernlight20 · 03/04/2024 14:29

wherediditallgosowrong · 03/04/2024 14:13

What were the reasons you left?

Show quote history

we would be here all day, but the short summary is infidelity, cannabis, mental health problems, manipulative, abusive amongst other things. Now, he seems to think hes been hard doneby because the kids want nothing to do with him and ive remarried. People reap what they sow

wherediditallgosowrong · 03/04/2024 14:43

All justifiable reasons. Mine are my DH is a schizoid and on spectrum - emotional connection is next nigh impossible. Otherwise a good man. That's why I struggle with it all.

northernlight20 · 03/04/2024 14:47

wherediditallgosowrong · 03/04/2024 14:43

All justifiable reasons. Mine are my DH is a schizoid and on spectrum - emotional connection is next nigh impossible. Otherwise a good man. That's why I struggle with it all.

Edited

they always have a good side, otherwise, they wouldnt attract anyone. my view is this, as far as we know, you only get one life and to spend it unhappy is beyond sad. i would very much prefer to be poorer but have peace. I know its a struggle when kids are involved but believe me when i say, mine were ecstatic when we split, which shocked me, so pple who say they stay for the kids dont understand the impact of what the kids are witnessing

mikado1 · 03/04/2024 14:59

Thanks op for this thread and all the comments. I'm almost at this point. I don't know if I'm actively unhappy but I am numb and on autopilot and the happiness I do experience lis not within the marriage. Like a lot of people, I have probably stayed years longer than I should but it will be a one sided decision which is hard and of course I don't want to put my children through it.. how unhappy do I have to be to justify it for them?at same time we are more or less separate while under the same roof so a terrible example of a relationship and maybe not such a shock to them...