Is there an age where dc are more likely to accept a new relationship?

[highlo]

So long story short:

Was married to ExH for 10+ years, had our Dd. Later found out he began an affair during my pregnancy and carried it on for first year of DDs life before I found out.

We then split. The OW was married and chose to stay with her then DH.
2 years later they split and my exH and the OW got together. Moved in together 6 months later. My Dd was still young so pretty much accepted it at face value. My Dd sees her as a SM type figure and they seem to be pretty well blended.

I'm over the cheating and the breakdown of the marriage. Spent 8 years single (a bit of dating here and there when Dd was with her dad but nothing serious and nothing she was aware of).

2 years ago I met my now DP and I've never been happier. Waited a year to introduce them and even then did it gradually (ie they met a year ago and they see each other maybe twice a month, he's only every stayed over 2 nights while dd has been in the house).

The problem I'm having is that she's adamant she doesn't want to see him more regularly, never wants him to live with us etc.

When I ask her why, it doesn't seem to be anything about him personally (and she said she likes him). She says she just prefers it being the 2 of us - it's all she's known her whole life except the last year.

I've constantly reassured her that she's still my priority, always will be, that I won't love her any less etc etc, but she's not having it.

The bit I'm really struggling with is that she keeps talking about how brilliant her dad's partner (the woman he had the affair with) is. How much she loves living with her etc but that she just wants me to be on my own.

It's taking every ounce of my willpower not to say anything - and I never ever would bad mouth either of them in front of my daughter. She's oblivious to the history and I want it to stay that way.

Anyway, this is just partly a rant at how unfair it seems that they've moved on and playing happy families etc while I'm expected to remain alone and see my DP when Dd is at her dads.
It's the only option I can see for now and would never not put her first - I'm just so frustrated by the unfairness of it all.

I'm pretty sure if this had all happened when my Dd was younger she'd have accepted it better but it's almost as if the fact it's been just the 2 of us for so long, that she struggles with the change even more.

I guess the other thing I'm wondering is whether it's likely if there's a level of maturity she might reach where me she realises that it's unfair for her dad to move on with his life while she doesn't want me to? Like at one point when she's out with her friends all the time & has her own bf etc that it might dawn on her that I'm sitting home alone while her dad is cosied with his gf?

I feel your frustration and whilst your daughter must be your number one concern you also need to think of your own needs as in 10 years she'll be an adult and you will still have a lot of life left to live! If you feel sure your new relationship is worth it, I would explain everything to him and ask for his continued patience so that you have space to work with your daughter. She's 9 now... in 3/4 years when puberty hits her - things will be very different and it will most likely be her social group who she is attached to and not you. Use this time to work on helping her feel loved and secure. I think you could both benefit from therapy. See your partner when she's with her dad and don't lie to her about it either. Next time your partner is around try and do something really fun so she starts making that association with him. Something not in the house - funfair, cinema whatever and then have him go straight home after so that it's just you two in the house. It's a difficult situation but you can do it as long as your partner is 100% onboard and willing to be patient. I wish you good luck. And don't worry about the OW being smug. She'll get what she deserves eventually just like we all will. I've never seen it work any other way.

I agree with this pretty much. DD has had you 100% to herself for as long as she can remember. She feels that you getting into a relationship takes some of your attention away from her. It's a bit like when a younger sibling comes along and the elder child finds themselves no longer the centre of their universe.

I think the longer it's just you and dd, the harder it'll be for her to accept you having a new partner. If you just carry on deferring completely to her, the age at which dd will accept you having a relationship will likely be about 25, or if you're lucky a bit younger when she's moved out.

If you want things to be any different to that, you'll need to take charge of the situation and gradually push it onto dd that you and dp spend more time together. And sooner will be easier in the long run. It does need to be done tactfully and gently though. Twice a month is nothing really, so start ramping that up - just doing trivial things like having dinner together, playing board games, going for afternoons out all together (obviously going to places primarily for entertaining your daughter, so that she hopefully starts to associate your dp with things she enjoys and sees that she isn't going to miss out on doing things with you).

And it's not always mum's who find themselves in this situation where dc are resistant to their single parents getting into a new relationship. For years my dd was quite comfortable around her mum having new partners (often relationships that got intense very quickly), while I stayed single. But then whenever I've started seeing people dd has been a bit awkward about it. I think one reason is because dd's mum has been openly bitchy about my new partners. At the same time both our ds have taken to our new partners in a very open and neutral way. So I don't know if it's a difference between boys and girls, or maybe just because dd is a couple of years older and understands relationships a bit more.

Wow, the affair partner really won this battle

Following! Slightly similar though no hurry to introduce new boyfriend however kids had an inkling I had gone on a date then proceeded to make their feelings known ie mummy should not have anyone else, just us. Again I have them 90% time, they are fine with dad's partner. But me, nope!

Hi op, I'm in a similar situation and the way you've spoken about how you feel has really resonated with me.

My ex left 8 years ago, his choice, definitely not mine. Left me heartbroken and in a real mess for a long time. My DS is now almost 11, so it's been us in our little team this whole time. Ex doesn't have a new GF afaik.
I've been with my partner for almost 18 months now. I was so aware of how much the news of me having a partner might unsettled him, I actually only told him about it around a month or so ago. It did not go down well. He was so upset by the idea of me having a new partner.
Despite so much reassurance that nothing will change, he is my priority etc, we are still no further to them even meeting. I've brought it up once since and he still doesn't like the idea of me having a partner.

Turns out DS is worried about his dad being lonely. A lovely, empathetic way to think, but my goodness did I nearly bite my tongue off not to say "it was HIS choice to leave and I'VE been lonely for 8 years!!"
As it is we see each other eow and one night a week when DS is with dad.
I'm constantly stressed my partner will say he's had enough of it not being enough.

I'm sorry I have no words of advice. I do completely understand how you feel though.
To know your happiness is at the bottom of the pile is really, really difficult.
Sending love ❤️

This is so spot on.

I wonder if your DD had issues because by the sounds of it she was the only girl in the house at yours if your other kids are boys. Maybe that's why she was a bit funny about you having a partner but the boys weren't bothered. My DSD is a total daddy's girl but we're super close as well. We do lots of girly things together like her our nails done, go out for coffee, go shopping. And she's say "no boys allowed". She's 6 and I've been in her life since she was 3 which I think has definitely made things easier as she can't remember anything different. If the issue with your DD is no longer being the only girl maybe your partner could turn that into a positive, "let have a girls day". How old is your DD?

@BringBackLilt thank you so much for such & kind and thoughtful message ❤️
You're right it is so tough but it sounds like you're doing an amazing job.

I thought it would be good to hear from other people experiencing similar but it's actually depressing to here how familiar it is, and how many other mums are struggling with the same situation.

I really hope everything works out for you too 💐

@commonsense12 In some ways perhaps she did......she can keep her prize tho - she's welcome to him 😂😂
I'd rather be on my own forever than with ExH but if she's happy then more fool her.

I'm hoping karma is on its way 🤭

Following with interest as I left my EXDP nearly 3 years ago, and DC now 6 and 7.

I'm doing OLD with a view to meeting someone for a long-term relationship, but don't think I'd marry/co-habit due in part, to all the issues raised on this post.

commonsense12 · Yesterday 00:01
Wow, the affair partner really won this battle

its not a battlefield though is it, it’s the classic game played out by Op’s exfuckwit husband of deception, lies and breaking of trust. And now it’s the playing out of the classic fun weekend dad & stepmother game.

Children learn as they grow the truth and which parents they can count on and she’s showing unowned she feels safer and happier with you Op.

Enjoy your relationship with your partner on days that your ex has DD and like others say, make sure you have lots of entertaining activities for Dd and fun when your partner& daughter do catch up. They will then have great fun slowly getting to know each other It takes time and is built on respect trust teamwork and understanding that is how it should be. Not like your exfuckwit did it
Also, think there is nothing wrong in being honest about it all now if she asks how the breakup came about.

Also I would allow Dd the occasional time off from going to see her dad & stepmother. She’s allowed to be unwell occasionally after all and if she’s feeling better home with her mum when she’s feeling unwell, so be it.