Is there an age where dc are more likely to accept a new relationship?

[highlo]

So long story short:

Was married to ExH for 10+ years, had our Dd. Later found out he began an affair during my pregnancy and carried it on for first year of DDs life before I found out.

We then split. The OW was married and chose to stay with her then DH.
2 years later they split and my exH and the OW got together. Moved in together 6 months later. My Dd was still young so pretty much accepted it at face value. My Dd sees her as a SM type figure and they seem to be pretty well blended.

I'm over the cheating and the breakdown of the marriage. Spent 8 years single (a bit of dating here and there when Dd was with her dad but nothing serious and nothing she was aware of).

2 years ago I met my now DP and I've never been happier. Waited a year to introduce them and even then did it gradually (ie they met a year ago and they see each other maybe twice a month, he's only every stayed over 2 nights while dd has been in the house).

The problem I'm having is that she's adamant she doesn't want to see him more regularly, never wants him to live with us etc.

When I ask her why, it doesn't seem to be anything about him personally (and she said she likes him). She says she just prefers it being the 2 of us - it's all she's known her whole life except the last year.

I've constantly reassured her that she's still my priority, always will be, that I won't love her any less etc etc, but she's not having it.

The bit I'm really struggling with is that she keeps talking about how brilliant her dad's partner (the woman he had the affair with) is. How much she loves living with her etc but that she just wants me to be on my own.

It's taking every ounce of my willpower not to say anything - and I never ever would bad mouth either of them in front of my daughter. She's oblivious to the history and I want it to stay that way.

Anyway, this is just partly a rant at how unfair it seems that they've moved on and playing happy families etc while I'm expected to remain alone and see my DP when Dd is at her dads.
It's the only option I can see for now and would never not put her first - I'm just so frustrated by the unfairness of it all.

I'm pretty sure if this had all happened when my Dd was younger she'd have accepted it better but it's almost as if the fact it's been just the 2 of us for so long, that she struggles with the change even more.

I guess the other thing I'm wondering is whether it's likely if there's a level of maturity she might reach where me she realises that it's unfair for her dad to move on with his life while she doesn't want me to? Like at one point when she's out with her friends all the time & has her own bf etc that it might dawn on her that I'm sitting home alone while her dad is cosied with his gf?

I met my DSD when she'd just turned 3. She can't remember be not being there. She's 6 now and still says "remember when I was a baby".

As unfair as it may seem given the background, she's likely accepted her SM because that's all she's even known as far as she can remember anyway. Her reason for accepting her is the same reason for not wanting you DP to move in. Just the 2 of you is all she's ever known.

Maybe when she's a bit older she'll understand the need for you to be happy as well and will be more open to him moving in. It's a tough one.

At almost 10, is she going into year 6 next year and her anxiety levels about going to her dads rising I would ask the school if she can sit and chat to the welfare staff (sorry can’t remember the technical term).

I think aged 10 is when the courts start listening to the child’s wishes. If she isn’t happy about staying over night with them maybe day trips may be better for her. So her and dad going to the zoo alone for example.

I think this is a separate issue to your partner though. And I agree that sucks and I am sorry you are in this position.

But least you are not stuck with a man who lacks integrity and is dishonest. That is worth celebrating! He (your ex) is HER consolation prize - it’s often at the two year mark that betrayed partners (once stabilised and the trauma from being betrayed has reduced) dump their cheating arse of a spouse as the disgust sets in. Regardless of what she says she chose her husband for two years.

My ex has a new partner too, when my DD’s go over there she’s always there and I have to hear all about it. It is hard. My youngest dd has special needs so it makes it even harder for me to date as she never spends a night away from home. I have kind of excepted that I won’t be able to have a full blown relationship where they stay over and we all get along, dating is something I do when dd is at her dads so I can never really see anyone more than one day a week. I just look forward to the possibility that things may change in a few years, though I’m now so used to my own company I kind of prefer it.

@Illpickthatup I think that's exactly what it is. This thread is helping me to see it in a less personal way 🥰

I really need to separate from the anger towards my ex. The reason he's doing okay is that he moved on so quickly (before our marriage ended!!). I was in complete shock over the affair, was heartbroken, left to go back to work after my mat leave while juggling a 1 year on my own. I could just about function and pay the bills but couldn't even contemplate moving on with someone knew.

Then me and dd became like our own wee bubble. I was so focused on her that I didn't have any interest in dating. It's only as she's become slightly older and I've had time on my own while she's at her dad's that it even crossed my mind. Part of me wishes I'd met him when Dd was younger but no point in thinking that way now 🤷🏻‍♀️

It sounds lie there is far far more to it than your new partner.

She doesn't want to go to her Dads etc. Been going on for years, he doesn't accept there is an issue.

So he has zero empathy or emotional support for your DD?

I personally have chosen not to date, although DD is a teen now and keen for me to start so that I stop dragging her to things as a companion 😄.

What would the long term plan be, to move in, get married and/ or have more children? Or are you happy with things as they are, continue dating but living separately untill DD is older - or forever, lots of couples thrive being together but apart with their own space.

Exactly @RandomMess
I think partly he doesn't accept there's an issue as he can't comprehend her not wanting time with him.

The other issue is that she typically goes to his straight from school. The drama and tears are therefore the night before (or 2nights before) plus the morning when I drop her at school. So he doesn't see any of it. Obviously the school does and they've been great in terms of additional support, however when they speak to her she says the issue is not wanting to leave me (rather than not wanting to go to her dads, eg she says she loves him etc but doesn't want to leave me).
ExH downplays it as if it's a minor upset, but also says it's me who has created the issue of her having separation anxiety from me (he couldn't possibly be a factor as he's "dad of the year") 🤷🏻‍♀️

This sounds so tough op. It’s so unfair the ex’s get to basically get on with their lives happily.

But, the long game reward is that your DD & you will be close, she’ll absolutely know she was priority and it will stay with her.

I think it’s much harder to accept a new man in your safe space (home) than a new woman at somewhere you visit (Dads).

My DD is nearly 8 & would be exactly the same as your DD if I was in the same situation. Luckily (or unluckily!) I have just accepted I can’t date until she’s much older. My DD only sees her dad 1 day per week & no overnights so I’m no catch atm
anyway!

My friend (who is very much a ‘my child doesn’t get to dictate’ type) insisted her bf move in & that her DD ‘will get used to it’. She hasn’t got used to, doesn’t feel able to talk about it and has turned into a very unhappy 9 year old.

Good luck, you sound like a great mum!

My initial intention was to meet someone to spend time with while she was at her dad's - nothing serious and to keep things separate.
However, I've really fallen for my bf and if I was purely selfish would love us to all live together.

I accept that's not going to be the case.

Im absolutely certain I don't want more dc and bf is aware of that. Marriage isn't a big desire for me (if we'd lived together for years and dd was happy I wouldn't be against it).

My bf has never been married and no dc. He's fine with not having dc but would like to live together at some point and has mentioned marriage long-term.
Whether he's happy to keep things as they are for the next 10ish years is something we'll need to discuss as it's potentially what we're facing.

10 years for adults though isn't really that long,it goes by in a flash and DD may well change how she feels in the later teenhood. I would definitely not be introducing anyone new or introducing him more whilst she's struggling with the relationship with her dad. It's not the time to make big changes but it sounds like you know that.

No advice but I really admire you OP. My DD introduces her new boyfriends to DGS7 within weeks, and goes on and on about “how well they’ve bonded”. It’s transparently all about what she wants and not in the best interests of DGS, who doesn’t like his father’s new gf, nor the fact that he moved into her house and DGS isn’t comfortable there.

To still be putting your DD first is admirable, however tough it feels comparing her DF’s position.

I was going to suggest that many her anxiety stemmed from paranoia that you'd move you bf in while she was at her dad's but it seems like this has been going on well before that.

Does she enjoy her time at her dad's when she's actually there? Is it just the thought of being away from you that bothers her? Have you discussed this with her dad?

@StarDolphins thank you, that means a lot.
I've always felt I've been a good mum but been doubting myself recently.

It's like I feel guilty for even wanting this and that as if even considering it is not putting my Dd first.

I then feel like a shit partner too as I'm stopping my bf from living the type of lifestyle he wants. I guess all I can do is be completely upfront with him about what it's likely to be like and he can decide if he's happy to stick around.

I just feel like I spend so long trying to keep everyone else happy that what I want doesn't matter

Secondary school and friends may take over, I would hold fire on cohabitation but continue relationship, once things are calmer gradually increase blending.

Is there an interest that your DP and DD could do together? Just them? Starting very slowly

I've always known this deep down which is why I haven't forced it. However this thread is helping me understand the reasons & the potential impact more & more.

It's frustrating that I'm the one left to try and help my Dd improve her relationship with her dad while he buries his head in the sand playing happy families - but I need to remember that I'm doing it for my Dd and not him

That's a good idea @BroughttoyoubyBerocca I've been trying to do spend time once or twice a month where we all do things together. But I feel tense and anxious about whether they're getting on or not - maybe I should leave them to it. Even just for an hour or so. Thanks!

Following with interest and I get where you are coming from!

@Secondstart1001 it's a shame so many of us are in similar situations. Yet another example of mums being held to higher account than dads 🙄

This situation is so frustrating and unfair OP. It's awful that you're stuck making all the sacrifices when your ex had an affair and left you. The double standard for mothers vs fathers behaviour is jarring. Although your dd may speak highly of her stepmum it doesn't sound like she's truly accepted that whole situation given how much she struggles to go to her dad's house. You are making big sacrifices now for the sake of your dd, but as others have said you'll be rewarded with a close relationship with your dd for her whole life and your ex won't have anywhere near the same level of closeness. He might not realise it but he's missing out. Maybe a silver lining of all this is that it will indefinitely prolong the honeymoon phase/specialness with your bf? As domestic drudgery won't set in if you don't live together.

I feel for you OP and for your daughter. Sounds like she's having a tough time. You need your own life aswell as being a mother though. Maybe she's sensing this too? I don't think it's reasonable to restrict your time seeing your bf to when she's at her dad's. This makes it a bigger deal than it is, somehow? And is that why she doesn't want to go to her dad's as she'll know you're seeing him? It's normal for a long divorced mother to consider moving a partner in, or to do things as a family group, have him to stay etc. If you're getting stressed about it she'll pick this up. It can be a positive move to have another supportive adult around, to care about her and support her potentially. Posters talking about "random men moving in" are being silly, you haven't just taken him off the street have you?

Exactly the same situation here. DD almost 13, exH married. She's goes to his EOW. I've been in a LDR with DP for 3.5yrs and DD likes him, but does not want him moving in. I get lonely sometimes and often feel sad that I'm "doing life" on my own when there is someone who wants to share it with me.

Thanks @SaturdayFive 😊

You're right that part of her reluctance to go to her dads is that she doesn't want me seeing my bf when she is at her dads as she feels "left out". I've said if that's the case I can see him less when she's at her dad's on the basis the 3 of us spend more time together. Thinking that way she'll feel more included and it's one less thing putting her off going to her dad's.

However, she then says she doesn't want to see him any more frequently than she currently does (1-2 times a month for a few hours at a time). So I feel stuck.

I know it's not manipulative as she's a 9yo struggling with her emotions but at points it can feel very controlling. Like she thinks she can dictate who I see, how often etc, even when she's not there. So even if I see him and hide it from her, does she grow up thinking that she gets to control my life?! That's not healthy either.

The whole thing is frazzling my brain and I no longer feel I knows what's right or wrong.

It's also worth adding that while it might temporarily be making it harder for her to go to her dads, it's been a long standing problem, on & off over the last 7 or so years. I'd say more of the time it's been an issue than not. So even if me and my bf were to split up tomorrow I don't think it would make a massive difference to her wanting to go to her dads.

I just don't know any more 😔

My DH, who was widowed, has two children who were mid -20s when we became an item. They were bloody miserable about his new relationship, even though they were both married and starting their own families. We weren't even sure whether they would come to the wedding. It's a very difficult situation to navigate.

This is it exactly. It's also not fair on our DPs either, as it almost feels like they're expected to put their lives on hold (luckily my bf is patient and understanding but I know if it was his choice we'd be progressing).

While my Dd is only coming up for 10 she has a best friend across the road and any minute she's at home and not in school they're with each other. Either her pal is in our house, or she's over there and they go back and forward between the houses. It's lovely to see and I love she has that close friendship. I don't grudge it for a minute but I've tried to explain that while she's doing that I'm sitting on my own.
Even if I say I'll take her to the pictures, out for ice cream etc. her first response is can "friend" come too.
Of course I agree and love their relationship but i can foresee this happening more and more as she gets older while I'm sitting watching tv on my own

@highlo it's so strange that mine also has the "going to dad's" anxiety which was severe around ages 6-8 which I had to deal with especially in the nights running up to it. Which exH also minimised and blamed it on me saying we have a "co-dependant" relationship 🙄😂. So our scenarios are similar is so many ways.
What's helped with that is me saying that she didn't have to go if she didn't want to, and now, although she'd rather not, there's less anxiety about going.
My DP is also very patient and understanding. Interestingly my mum and sister feel that DD doesn't get to dictate this, but I do see it from her POV & am paranoid about her mental health seeing as she's already had to cope with divorce.
DD says that he can move in when she goes to uni, I'm hoping we'll reach a compromise at A-levels!