Is there an age where dc are more likely to accept a new relationship?

[highlo]

So long story short:

Was married to ExH for 10+ years, had our Dd. Later found out he began an affair during my pregnancy and carried it on for first year of DDs life before I found out.

We then split. The OW was married and chose to stay with her then DH.
2 years later they split and my exH and the OW got together. Moved in together 6 months later. My Dd was still young so pretty much accepted it at face value. My Dd sees her as a SM type figure and they seem to be pretty well blended.

I'm over the cheating and the breakdown of the marriage. Spent 8 years single (a bit of dating here and there when Dd was with her dad but nothing serious and nothing she was aware of).

2 years ago I met my now DP and I've never been happier. Waited a year to introduce them and even then did it gradually (ie they met a year ago and they see each other maybe twice a month, he's only every stayed over 2 nights while dd has been in the house).

The problem I'm having is that she's adamant she doesn't want to see him more regularly, never wants him to live with us etc.

When I ask her why, it doesn't seem to be anything about him personally (and she said she likes him). She says she just prefers it being the 2 of us - it's all she's known her whole life except the last year.

I've constantly reassured her that she's still my priority, always will be, that I won't love her any less etc etc, but she's not having it.

The bit I'm really struggling with is that she keeps talking about how brilliant her dad's partner (the woman he had the affair with) is. How much she loves living with her etc but that she just wants me to be on my own.

It's taking every ounce of my willpower not to say anything - and I never ever would bad mouth either of them in front of my daughter. She's oblivious to the history and I want it to stay that way.

Anyway, this is just partly a rant at how unfair it seems that they've moved on and playing happy families etc while I'm expected to remain alone and see my DP when Dd is at her dads.
It's the only option I can see for now and would never not put her first - I'm just so frustrated by the unfairness of it all.

I'm pretty sure if this had all happened when my Dd was younger she'd have accepted it better but it's almost as if the fact it's been just the 2 of us for so long, that she struggles with the change even more.

I guess the other thing I'm wondering is whether it's likely if there's a level of maturity she might reach where me she realises that it's unfair for her dad to move on with his life while she doesn't want me to? Like at one point when she's out with her friends all the time & has her own bf etc that it might dawn on her that I'm sitting home alone while her dad is cosied with his gf?

That does sound so so similar! My mum, sister and my friends all think i tip-toe around and give my DD too much say in my life.....I do feel I walk in eggshells at times like you say tho it's hard not to try and keep them happy when they're already going through so much at such a young age! I get really upset thinking what must be going on in her mind, kids that age should only be worried about whether their friend is free to play, or how much screen time they're allowed 😂

Really interesting you say that as I said to my Dd that at some point she'll get more say in what house she's in and where she spends her time. She thought about that and then said that if she didn't go to her dad's she'd miss him. I honestly think if she thought it was optional she'd be more relaxed about it. Unfortunately her dad isn't of the same thinking. He can be quite firm - I wouldn't go as far as saying controlling, but he's very much, "I'm the parent, you're the child and you do what I say". As I mentioned there is a court order and he's really rigid. Even if I want one extra night for a holiday etc it's a big rigmarole. I think he's worried if he's more relaxed about it he would hardly see her, whereas in reality it's him forcing her to go that's pushing her away

It is exactly like I'm being held to a higher standard.

^^

This.

Is she going to secondary this sept? If so that’s enough change for one year.

honestly I can’t think of any families I know where a new man moving in has worked that well. And it sounds like the situation at your ex ‘s isn’t that great else your dd would like going there. It might look rosy but it can’t be if your ex doesn’t get on that well with his kid.

id just date and keep things as they are for now if I was you

We're in scotland. She's got another 2 full years at primary.

It's not so much that I'm looking for him to move in. I mentioned that in the original post as an ultimate goal. Even if she was happy for him to be around a bit more often and for the 3 of us to spend time together. It's the fact she's so strongly against it but thinks her dad's partner is the best thing ever.

She openly says she likes him but wants me on my own etc - even when she's not here.

I'm starting to understand her POV even more thanks to all the responses. I've got no plans to do anything she's not comfortable with. I was just looking for reassurance it might change in time, or that by a certain age teens start to understand it's not fair to expect a parent to be alone etc.

Maybe by 14-5 and friends start having boyfriends she might want that for you too.

Do you think the anxiety might be that she is thinking he will be over when she’s not there?

like you creating a new life/family while she’s out?

That is a factor for sure, however, she's had this anxiety for 6-7 years. I've been with my bf for 2 years and she's only known about it for 1 year.

I've told her I could see him with her, rather than when she's away but she doesn't want that either 🤷🏻‍♀️

I feel sorry for the mum's who essentially have their lives on hold and are feeling very lonely because they're essentially allowing their children to dictate who they have I their lives.

While I do think as a parent your children need to be taken into consideration, you are entitled to a life as well. What if you wanted another baby and your child didn't want a sibling. Would you just not have a baby? Or had to move house and the child didn't want to?

You are the parent here and you need to be the one leading the way and making the decisions. Unless there are safeguarding issues or very good reasons I don't think you should put your life on hold because your kid would prefer something else.

I don't think it's healthy for a child to grow up in an environment that caters only to what they want, where they are the centre of the universe. They are going to have some warped expectations and likely a lot of disappointment when they're adults and realise that the world doesn't work that way. Negotiating who you spend time with while your DD is at her dad's is quite franky ridiculous. Your family are right. You are giving her too much control.

I’m all for offering lots of understanding and I think you’re being a great mum. But she cannot be allowed to insist that you have to sit alone when she’s away. Imagine if she said that to her best friend - that she couldn’t play with anyone else while she’s away! I do not think you should stop seeing your bf when she’s away, definitely don’t promise that.

Do you think maybe she’d accept his presence more on a trip out with the best friend too? So it’s not biting into 1:1 mum time? Again it’s really not fair for her to bring a friend along and you to be left third wheeling. I’d keep pushing that sort of thing for now and keep him out of your home (her safe space).

My dc were older and fine about dating (dc set up my profile as she knew about these things!). Dsd was also an adult (just) when I met her and all has gone fine, she lives with us. I do ponder what would have happened if they were younger, I certainly would have waited longer for introductions. The nice thing is dsd wishes she had met me younger, she thinks life would have been better for her (I'm very different to her mum)

I don't actually disagree with this. I can see both sides and I'm really struggling with knowing which is best

Whilst I do think a slow introduction and not moving in until she's older is the best way and always taking her feelings into consideration. I do think her trying to control what you do when you are not there should be nipped in the bud. I would simply say 'I am an adult and what I do when you are at your Dads is up to me'. She needs to learn she can't control other people. I'd continue mostly seeing your new partner whilst she isn't there and do short meet ups with her there. I like the idea above of her having a friend there to keep her occupied. It will eventually fall into place. Any man who won't take their time isn't worth bothering with anyway.

It is frustrating but think the priority should be our dc.

They’re with is for such a short time and it goes so fast.

Regarding going to her dad’s.. do you think it’s just the transition she doesn’t like? Does she settle once there?

Your partner is clearly not the issue as you've been having issues with her not wanting to go to her dad's since before then.

I think it's time you show her who the parent it here and actually who is in charge. Stop pandering to her and stop negotiating. I'm not saying move him in overnight but I'd start seeing him more often when she's there. Don't ask for her opinion on it. Don't hide that you'll be seeing him when she's at her dad's Obviously make sure she still gets enough 1:1 time with you but you have to stand your ground. She is not your boss.

I imagine there will be some resistance at first as she's used to just getting her own way but stick with it.

When your DD is at her dad’s, do you ever go away for a few days? Or does she imagine you are sitting home alone all the time? Mum is always there, might be her thinking, and anything that disrupts that mental image might be upsetting gif her.

I feel for you. I’m single right now but partly because last relationship could not move forward as I couldn’t see a way to integrate a partner into my home life for the next 8-10 years, and without forward momentum, relationships can just run out of steam. Meanwhile exh has a cosy ménage with OW.

She doesn't bat an eyelid if I was to go away with friends, a night out with friends etc etc
But if I was to say my bf was round or I was out with him she gets jealous.

I think she's definitely worried of me moving on and leaving her out, but at the same time she doesn't want to be included either.

I know I'm pandering to her and shouldn't let her dictate when I see him (and I don't actually let her dictate, I just avoid her knowing). It's the thought of her sitting at her dads upset and feeling like I don't want her cos I'm having a better time with my bf 💔

Sorry haven't had time to read the thread yet but I'm. In the same position with my six year old regarding not wanting to go to her dad's. I have to split 50/50 and he has 2 other kids with his partner and she just prefers it with me.i would think by about 10 it's worth considering court tbh to change the arrangements as they may listen more. Agree that family court often don't put young kids interests as a priority.

I also totally get this anxiety taking over both of your lives. It sounds awful but I feel like I'm wishing my daughters life away wanting her to be of an age where she can choose where to live so I don't have to deal with the upset every week and anxiety that comes with it for both of us. It sucks.

Im also in a long term relationship but keep it separate as I feel my daughter is already anxious and needs my home to be stability for her, it also feels shit that I don't feel I'm able to settle down with someone but it is how it is for now.

I think the answer really is the younger the better, because they are less accommodating as they get older. I have a friend who was in the same situation. She moved her new partner in in the end. Her daughter now hates her and the new partner and is spending as much time at the home of Dad and (the previous other woman) step mum. It's breaking my friends heart, and they are now starting to work through it in counselling together. I don't think there is an easy time, but I don't think it will get easier. I wish you luck in moving into the next phase of your life

I do see your daughters perspective but ultimately at her age she doesn’t get to make what are essentially your decisions.
If she actually likes the man then I would think about family counselling to try and move things forward. You do have a right to a life as well.

I agree that the younger the better. Your daughter sounds like my DD1 who is very controlling of me and nearly 18. Doesn’t want me to see DP when she’s at her dads though DD2 happy for DP to stay over and socialise with him and his children and happy with plan he will eventually move in and our world will be less small! So I haven’t pushed it as DD1 studying and I want her to be supported but error of my ways was letting her control me from the age of 14 and little things became big. DP understanding and as I have kids 50% and very flexible arrangement with XH it’s ok but it still depresses me that I’m in limbo. I still get a lot of Time with Dp either as his house or mine, we go on holidays and do stuff with his DC and DD2.

Please don’t end up like me. I am the lesson you do not want to learn.

It may be trickier as she's an only child. My dd were 6 and 8 when they met my partner. However he's only ever been on the periphery - we may live together when they grow up. They see him once a week, he usually stays over when they're at their dad's.

They have (so far) always liked him. He isn't playing step dad though, he's just someone who joins us for the odd weekend away, sometimes Xmas etc.

I’m in the same situation @highlo

I left exH because he was abusive. The kids (DS9.5 and DD nearly 6) know that Daddy was “angry” - DS knows more as saw exH smashing things but neither know the extent of it. We split in 2022.

ExH has a new girlfriend who seems nice (we have mutual friends) and the kids like her. They will probably move in together soon. ExH has kids EoW (if that).

I’m in an ultra long distance relationship with DP - he is an old flame from high school (the 90s!). He is amazing and I totally love him and I have no doubt we will be together forever (I know that sounds very gushy- it’s a long story 😂).

The kids like him but basically just don’t like me having a boyfriend.
When I’ve drilled into it, it’s because basically exH is punishing, they don’t have much of a relationship with him, his gf makes time with him better (DS says he feels “safer” with her there 🥺). I am the real parent and I am home.

Because of the nature of mine and DP’s relationship, moving in together isn’t an option for another 3.5 years. Until then we will be spending more and more time together and warming them up to it. Tbh I’m seriously considering building a self contained cottage in the garden so that there’s enough space and neither the kids nor DP feel crowded out.

I am very soft when it comes to my kids - some of my friends tell me I need to set boundaries with them, tell them how it is etc but no one can understand what we went through with exH. They are only kids for such a short time and I want them to know I prioritised their childhood. That said I don’t want to be a martyr as they grow into teenagers and develop their own lives! and DP is a wonderful, kind, loving man who will be a positive addition to their lives (esp compared to their awful father). So for me it’s about picking the timing and having patience. By the time DP and I live together we will have been 5 years together, and we will probably get married before we move into together! Our relationship has been very back to front 😂 He is worth the wait 🥰

My daughter is almost 16 and sti will
Not accept that I may want a relationship.
Again it comes down to not wanting a man on our space and also wanting it to be the 3 of us ( I have 2 DD).
I hav snow accepted that for the next few years it's not an option for me. I have been in my own 5 years already. Had a nice relationship since but he wanted more.
They are with me 100% of the time so it is what it is. I feel it is the right decision. They know I put them above all else.

Honestly I think you should consider taking her to counselling and getting to the root of her anxiety, letting her have a bit of support outside the family.

I'm not a big fan of unrelated men moving in - I didn't feel comfortable in my own home growing up. But she sounds quite distressed, beyond perhaps what's normal.

Rather than pushing on, either by you not being able to maintain your relationship or her having to suck up losing her safe place, get some outside support.

I’m not sure what your DD’s issue is with going to her dad’s, but i wanted to ask how your new bf is with your DD.

I always got on a hell of a lot better with my dad’s girlfriends because they were very caring about me, and i had more in common with them as females.

My mum’s boyfriend on the other hand, while he was ‘ok’, never acted very caring towards me in the way my friends have had new ‘stepdads’. He was just there. When he came for dates, i had to go upstairs. We never spent any ‘family days’ out. Basically what i’m trying to say is that despite my own dad being a twat, my mum’s boyfriend never acted like an actual caring father figure to me either. They have been together for 22 years now, and he is still ‘my mum’s partner’, not my stepdad.

It was also different to my mum having friends. They are only having your attention for a couple of hours here and there, whereas a partner is a more permanent fixture. And a male.