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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Son off the rails making me/oh I'll

93 replies

canttakeberries · 02/04/2024 15:50

Our dd age 21 completely off the rails for years. Making us ill especially me.
Every boundary she has stepped or dived into.
We are a loving normal working family but she just isn't getting her life together.
So many things to say but it has all magnified as my father died last week and our dd going usual out with mates drinking,drugs, vandalism and just has broken my heart as thought it would make her step up and be supportive but she has been terrible this week. I am shocked at how selfish she has become and has been for along time. I feel davastated.
Has anyone asked their child to leave home? I don't want to do this but nothing is changing no matter what we do!
We have done so much to try and help her but she says she has mental health issues and this is reason.
We have paid for counselling, you name it we have done it but don't know how to help her anymore. She falls about from alcohol, incontinent from taking too much ket previously,
Arguing when out with people. Feels no one understands her. Does not help us at home. Only time when she wants cash or a lift. I thought she would have grown out of this by now.
Has damaged lots of our stuff by being careless. House is a wreck. I could go on and on. I love her but so worried that she is going to end up dead, hurting someone else or in prison. We have normal values like not stealing etc and she has done this too. So many things to worry about.
She seemed to always end up with friends who have problems which she then has too.
Any similar stories?

OP posts:
Original poster
canttakeberries · 02/04/2024 15:52

Daughter not son. Son has left home and working. Sorry don't know why I said that just tired as dad passed on.

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 02/04/2024 16:23

Sorry to hear this. A dear friend of mine went through similar with one of hers and eventually asked them to leave. It was was either detach and protect herself or have a breakdown. It had gone on for years.

She is mid 20s now and doesn’t really hear from her DD. She was hoping she’d grow up a bit and sort herself out.

Such a situation.

Original poster
canttakeberries · 02/04/2024 16:28

FrenchandSaunders · 02/04/2024 16:23

Sorry to hear this. A dear friend of mine went through similar with one of hers and eventually asked them to leave. It was was either detach and protect herself or have a breakdown. It had gone on for years.

She is mid 20s now and doesn’t really hear from her DD. She was hoping she’d grow up a bit and sort herself out.

Such a situation.

It's terrible and I don't want her to be lying in a ditch somewhere

OP posts:
Original poster
canttakeberries · 02/04/2024 17:15

She's drunk now
No job
Don't last long as not want she wants to do so just walks out
My heart stomach anxiety all the time.

OP posts:
cerisepanther73 · 02/04/2024 17:32

@canttakeberries

I would encourage your daughter to look into supportive charities organisation out there that support mental health wellbeing in various ways such as Mind etc

If she wants to give up drugs risky lifestyle?
what about charitable organisations for substance abuse 🤔 too,
Can support wean off that , and sustainable effective alternative ways stay off it,

What about sociable prescribing through a referral through her doctor?,

this is looking at her poor mental health issues in a more Holistic beneficial ways such as sign posting her to relevant supportive charitable organisations, and use of lot cheaper rate of local leisure swimming 🏊‍♀️ centre facilities..

Also encouragingly her to take up hobbies and interests for social aspect too,

Volunteering opportunities participation even just a few hours a week or extra,

So many lots of volunteering opportunities here and UK in different ways,
not just charity shop work and it looks good on your cv,

Also improves your self esteem cofindence has she has through traumatic experince,
Makes you feel part of bigger picture too etc

Original poster
canttakeberries · 02/04/2024 17:55

cerisepanther73 · 02/04/2024 17:32

@canttakeberries

I would encourage your daughter to look into supportive charities organisation out there that support mental health wellbeing in various ways such as Mind etc

If she wants to give up drugs risky lifestyle?
what about charitable organisations for substance abuse 🤔 too,
Can support wean off that , and sustainable effective alternative ways stay off it,

What about sociable prescribing through a referral through her doctor?,

this is looking at her poor mental health issues in a more Holistic beneficial ways such as sign posting her to relevant supportive charitable organisations, and use of lot cheaper rate of local leisure swimming 🏊‍♀️ centre facilities..

Also encouragingly her to take up hobbies and interests for social aspect too,

Volunteering opportunities participation even just a few hours a week or extra,

So many lots of volunteering opportunities here and UK in different ways,
not just charity shop work and it looks good on your cv,

Also improves your self esteem cofindence has she has through traumatic experince,
Makes you feel part of bigger picture too etc

All brilliant suggestions
Thankyou and we have done all of what you said.
Private counselling
Doctors
Contacted alcohol and drug help centre locally. Was going take her or wait outside she said she didn't need.
Was taken to every possible club etc but not interested now.
We've done all you suggested and again probably hundred times over.
That's why I'm posting as at a loss as she won't change behaviour, won't get help and won't work or do any hobbies except ones that could potentially get her and us in trouble.
I feel very sad unwell and don't know what I have done to deserve this as I feel we have tried to be good parents and give her a good upbringing but she is off the scale with problems and stress she is causing and no empathy for us.

OP posts:
serene12 · 02/04/2024 18:28

I can identify with your situation. We had to use the Police to evict our DS from our home. He was 18 at the time, similar issues drinking, drugs and associated behaviours. Your home should be a sanctuary, not a war zone.
I started to go to Families Anonymous meetings. www.famanon.org.uk
Families Anonymous have a helpline, literature, UK wide online and face to face meetings. I have learnt to detach with love, not to enable and to look after myself. Also our loved ones have to suffer the consequences of their poor choices.
My DS has never been homeless, agencies have provided him with accommodation. For today, he has a flat, works and is a loving DS.

Families Anonymous UK

Families Anonymous is a world-wide fellowship of family members and friends affected by another’s abuse of mind-altering substances, or related behavioural problems.

http://www.famanon.org.uk

cerisepanther73 · 02/04/2024 18:50

@canttakeberries
Sorry
I ment to say,
good all kinds of volunteering opportunities abroad stints too,
especially with conservation wildlife charties..

Original poster
canttakeberries · 02/04/2024 18:50

serene12 · 02/04/2024 18:28

I can identify with your situation. We had to use the Police to evict our DS from our home. He was 18 at the time, similar issues drinking, drugs and associated behaviours. Your home should be a sanctuary, not a war zone.
I started to go to Families Anonymous meetings. www.famanon.org.uk
Families Anonymous have a helpline, literature, UK wide online and face to face meetings. I have learnt to detach with love, not to enable and to look after myself. Also our loved ones have to suffer the consequences of their poor choices.
My DS has never been homeless, agencies have provided him with accommodation. For today, he has a flat, works and is a loving DS.

Sorry to hear you had similar just difficult as girl not that it should make any difference.
You worry about all your children but this dd is extreme with everything and to be honest we love her so much on one hand but she is ruining her life and our life. Since secondary school till now so well over ten years our life has been so difficult and it makes me very sad as a lot of it has been caused by herself.
I feel she has wasted our lives when we should have been relaxing abit and now dad died feel so sad that she is absorbed about herself.

OP posts:
Original poster
canttakeberries · 02/04/2024 18:52

We weren't like that at her age. I wouldn't have dreamed of doing the stuff she has done to my parents. I loved and respected them so much

OP posts:
cerisepanther73 · 02/04/2024 18:56

@canttakeberries

Have you looked at other kinds of therapies out there too?

i know everyone thinks of counselling but there are other types of therapy
Look up mumsnet section on therapies that are beneficial for the mind and mental health health ect,

Also look up on the Internet explore which other therapies sound like could be beneficial for her too

SpiritOfEcstasy · 02/04/2024 19:02

Ultimately OP there is an underlying cause. People don’t take drugs and abuse alcohol if they’re happy. It’s self medicating against feelings they don’t want to feel. I’m a single parent to teen DDs and have always had clear boundaries in place. I imagine that if I was in your shoes I’d be clarifying with my DDs what those boundaries are! No drugs. No alcohol. Attend AA/NA meetings if they have addictions issues either online or in person. Have respect for me and my home. And if they don’t they’ll need to live elsewhere. She’s behaving the way she is because there are no consequences…

Original poster
canttakeberries · 02/04/2024 20:01

SpiritOfEcstasy · 02/04/2024 19:02

Ultimately OP there is an underlying cause. People don’t take drugs and abuse alcohol if they’re happy. It’s self medicating against feelings they don’t want to feel. I’m a single parent to teen DDs and have always had clear boundaries in place. I imagine that if I was in your shoes I’d be clarifying with my DDs what those boundaries are! No drugs. No alcohol. Attend AA/NA meetings if they have addictions issues either online or in person. Have respect for me and my home. And if they don’t they’ll need to live elsewhere. She’s behaving the way she is because there are no consequences…

Thankyou for your advice.
How old are your children?
I agree about boundaries and always stressed stated them from go get.
But something has gone drastically wrong as I can honestly say we have really tried to do everything right and support her.
I never thought we would be in this situation and my advice to others is don't assume or be smug that your kids aren't going change and push you. Not saying you are like that but I remember saying something similar once.

OP posts:
Original poster
canttakeberries · 02/04/2024 20:03

cerisepanther73 · 02/04/2024 18:56

@canttakeberries

Have you looked at other kinds of therapies out there too?

i know everyone thinks of counselling but there are other types of therapy
Look up mumsnet section on therapies that are beneficial for the mind and mental health health ect,

Also look up on the Internet explore which other therapies sound like could be beneficial for her too

Tried to suggest take her to all sorts but says she will do and backs out.
Spent an absolute fortune on counselling too previously.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 02/04/2024 20:10

I'd send her to go live with her brother.
No way would he let her get away with half this shit I'll bet.

MMadness · 02/04/2024 20:14

Honestly?

Sit her down, sober and tell her how incredibly disappointed you are in her behaviour but especially this week now your father has passed.

Explain you're no longer able to tolerate it and if her behaviour towards employment, alcohol and drugs doesn't improve over the next month then she needs to find alternative accommodation.

Tell her you'll not be supporting her lifestyle any longer. Make sure you and your husband present a united front. You've enabled her long enough.

In the month, she needs to have found a job, begun contributing financially to the household and physically as well by doing her share of chores/cleaning etc.

If she doesn't, she needs to go. No excuses. Then follow through.

It'll be rough, but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and she's taking the piss.

SpiritOfEcstasy · 02/04/2024 20:19

canttakeberries · 02/04/2024 20:01

Thankyou for your advice.
How old are your children?
I agree about boundaries and always stressed stated them from go get.
But something has gone drastically wrong as I can honestly say we have really tried to do everything right and support her.
I never thought we would be in this situation and my advice to others is don't assume or be smug that your kids aren't going change and push you. Not saying you are like that but I remember saying something similar once.

Show quote history

They’re younger, 16 & 14. I’m under no illusions about it being a straight road ahead. Both my DDs have attended counselling to deal with issues already … it really does take a village! Saying that I’m still an advocate for tough love. Once the boundaries are in place - there’s no wiggle room. No chores. No pocket money. No homework. No treats/tech time. I’m really strict about following through with the consequences. I’ve also attended three parenting courses…because like you, I’m often left scratching my head and wondering what’s best. We have a ‘family meeting’ once a month to talk over any issues - I think that helps them to feel heard & have a say. I would actively encourage your DD to attend a recovery program if she’s using drugs. My DDs have attended online ITAA meetings just to listen to people who are addicted to the internet & tech. It’s all about escaping their feelings … dopamine etc. Nobody ever said it was gonna be easy … but nobody warns us it can be a real minefield either 🤦🏼‍♀️ wishing you and your DD the best of luck xx

BlueEyesBrownHair · 02/04/2024 20:19

MMadness · 02/04/2024 20:14

Honestly?

Sit her down, sober and tell her how incredibly disappointed you are in her behaviour but especially this week now your father has passed.

Explain you're no longer able to tolerate it and if her behaviour towards employment, alcohol and drugs doesn't improve over the next month then she needs to find alternative accommodation.

Tell her you'll not be supporting her lifestyle any longer. Make sure you and your husband present a united front. You've enabled her long enough.

In the month, she needs to have found a job, begun contributing financially to the household and physically as well by doing her share of chores/cleaning etc.

If she doesn't, she needs to go. No excuses. Then follow through.

It'll be rough, but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and she's taking the piss.

Absolutely, she is an adult now. Time she grew up x

HotChocWine · 02/04/2024 20:20

My DD left home at 17 because she almost broke this family. Stealing, lying, going missing, so many other things.
Police searches, Social Services. You name the hoop we jumped through it
We are NC now, as she will not take any responsibility for what happens, how she behaves.
Sometimes you don't have a choice.

Original poster
canttakeberries · 02/04/2024 20:35

HotChocWine · 02/04/2024 20:20

My DD left home at 17 because she almost broke this family. Stealing, lying, going missing, so many other things.
Police searches, Social Services. You name the hoop we jumped through it
We are NC now, as she will not take any responsibility for what happens, how she behaves.
Sometimes you don't have a choice.

Where is she now as our dd can't afford a house flat

OP posts:
MoreKidsThanHotDinners · 02/04/2024 20:37

My ex asked his 16 yr old to leave as he brought nothing but trouble to his door , even risk of eviction.
Affected mh of ex tremendously. Ultimately affected our relationship hence now ex

Kapaj · 02/04/2024 21:10

Other people will think it's down to you OP, because they haven't lived it, they don't get it. My son treated us, his decent, loving family, with utter contempt.

No contact now for many years.

Perhaps you'll be luckier OP, fingers crossed for you. x

Original poster
canttakeberries · 02/04/2024 21:17

Kapaj · 02/04/2024 21:10

Other people will think it's down to you OP, because they haven't lived it, they don't get it. My son treated us, his decent, loving family, with utter contempt.

No contact now for many years.

Perhaps you'll be luckier OP, fingers crossed for you. x

Thankyou yes that's what we are experiencing and have tried so hard to support and help dd all the way through.
It shocks and disheartens me to think what we have been through already.

OP posts:
Original poster
canttakeberries · 02/04/2024 21:24

I just feel so sad and see others who don't have these problems and can't work how where we went wrong.

OP posts:
Oldenoughtoknowbetteryoungatheart · 02/04/2024 21:33

Honestly, it doesn't end. They meet someone who has similar issues (as anyone who doesn't, doesn't hang around long) and then they have an unplanned baby together and you then take on all the stress and worry of making sure that your DGC is safe. You find a way to manage, you learn to switch off long enough to fall asleep at night (but are awake at the first ring of the phone no matter what time it is). You learn to live with it and you don't let it destroy your relationships with your other DC's, family or DP. You find strength you had no idea you had. Sending you lots of love.