Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Son off the rails making me/oh I'll

93 replies

canttakeberries · 02/04/2024 15:50

Our dd age 21 completely off the rails for years. Making us ill especially me.
Every boundary she has stepped or dived into.
We are a loving normal working family but she just isn't getting her life together.
So many things to say but it has all magnified as my father died last week and our dd going usual out with mates drinking,drugs, vandalism and just has broken my heart as thought it would make her step up and be supportive but she has been terrible this week. I am shocked at how selfish she has become and has been for along time. I feel davastated.
Has anyone asked their child to leave home? I don't want to do this but nothing is changing no matter what we do!
We have done so much to try and help her but she says she has mental health issues and this is reason.
We have paid for counselling, you name it we have done it but don't know how to help her anymore. She falls about from alcohol, incontinent from taking too much ket previously,
Arguing when out with people. Feels no one understands her. Does not help us at home. Only time when she wants cash or a lift. I thought she would have grown out of this by now.
Has damaged lots of our stuff by being careless. House is a wreck. I could go on and on. I love her but so worried that she is going to end up dead, hurting someone else or in prison. We have normal values like not stealing etc and she has done this too. So many things to worry about.
She seemed to always end up with friends who have problems which she then has too.
Any similar stories?

OP posts:
MustBeGinOclock · 03/04/2024 01:08

I think I'd be asking her to move out now. Your own health needs need to come first now.
She is old enough to know how to behave. It's your house your rules she doesn't follow then she leaves.
I had a look but couldn't see if you have stated where she gets the money for drink/drugs? Hopefully not you.
Sending hugs.
Sometimes no matter what we do as parents they will follow their own path.. but we don't need to pay the price for their choices.

Andthereyougo · 03/04/2024 03:08

I’m so sorry for your loss. You need time and peace to grieve and it’s very unfair you’re not being allowed this.
I can only offer a really outside the box idea.
Your daughter won’t get a job so she works for you. For her bed and board she works a 35 hour week cleaning, ironing, gardening, cleaning windows, sweeping paths, washing every window frame, door frame in the house. You name up, she does it. If she doesn’t work she gets nothing. She gets a 3 month trial period and if it fails, she’s out. Draw up a contract, tell her she’s an adult, she’s being treated as an adult.
I think you also need support for you and I’d pursue the family support organisation upthread. You cal also contact Al-Anon for support.
I hope your daughter realises in time what a support she has in you and she turns her life around.

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 03/04/2024 03:41

not to the extent of what you are going through. positive thoughts and solidarity as you and the family move forward.
in my experience by 21 they are manipulative and toxic due to the effects of drugs/alcohol unhealthy friendships. so for this reason i'm not sure that keeping her home/working around the house will be at all helpful vs more damaging to your mental health and your relationships with other family members.
what i have done is put it in writing, my fear of her death and fear of sexual abuse (that was my fear fear of my dd exchanging sex for money/booze/drugs) and ending up prostituting with a spiraling negative lifestyle.
i cried and bared my heart all while like others believing that something triggered this behavior and reassuring her no matter what happened i would like to help her.
in the end for reasons unknown to me she turned her life around but she was not at the same point as your daughter.

ageratum1 · 03/04/2024 03:46

wavingfuriously · 02/04/2024 21:39

Oh God your daughter sounds exactly like I was 22+ for years...eventually siblings cut me off...thing is parents paid for me to see a therapist and he actually caused a lot of damage!!😕 so much damage honestly, be careful whom you get involved

Edited

This worries me so much as my teen u seeing a therapist. Is this damage caused by incompetence or bad intentions?

Mayflower282 · 03/04/2024 03:56

One of my friends was like this, she was in and out of rehab for years. Eventually it came out that she had been sexually abused by her father for years.

Willmafrockfit · 03/04/2024 04:11

is there another relative that can have a word with her?
surely she must run out of money?

Harveyannie · 03/04/2024 06:22

I tried so hard with my youngest when he became addicted to drugs. Eventually I gave him this .
'As an adult we have to make our own choices and live with the consequences of those choices. You have chosen drugs so I choose no contact'
I stuck to this rigidly but although I blocked his phone I did not change my number
I had no contact for 10 years BUT a year ago he messaged with the news that he was clean and in recovery
We are beginning to rebuild a relationship very slowly.. currently just messaging
My heart goes out to all who are trying to support their young through addiction

Oblomov24 · 03/04/2024 06:59

Such a shame, but there's little you can do. The person rarely sees what you see, and doesn't take responsibility. Stand your ground politely though.

Original poster
canttakeberries · 03/04/2024 07:59

Ginorchoc · 02/04/2024 23:42

I wish the Gov would do an anti-drugs campaign.

Many Ket users end up with Ket incontinence, in custody they have to ask for adult size nappies and many are embarrassed, I think this has quite an impact on their ‘what’s the point’ attitude and does take away a lot of the hunger for any change.

The gov have drink drive campaigns for example, some really hard hitting shoot from the hip campaigns would help.

I always remember Leah Betts parents campaign and it had a huge impact on myself and friends at the time. They probably don’t know but from their daughter’s sad death their parents campaigning saves many lives.

Im not sure what to suggest, the family anon link is good support for you, your daughter has to be the one to break the chain but also know that you have a limit and when she is ready, only then you will have her back and support her.

If you think she has been involved in County Lines there is specialist modern day slavery support which might help.

Shaver's bed every night because of using ket previously and that's knackering changing washing linen too constantly

OP posts:
Original poster
canttakeberries · 03/04/2024 08:00

She not shaver's !!
Phone changed what I'm writing sorry

OP posts:
Original poster
canttakeberries · 03/04/2024 08:02

Harveyannie · 03/04/2024 06:22

I tried so hard with my youngest when he became addicted to drugs. Eventually I gave him this .
'As an adult we have to make our own choices and live with the consequences of those choices. You have chosen drugs so I choose no contact'
I stuck to this rigidly but although I blocked his phone I did not change my number
I had no contact for 10 years BUT a year ago he messaged with the news that he was clean and in recovery
We are beginning to rebuild a relationship very slowly.. currently just messaging
My heart goes out to all who are trying to support their young through addiction

You are so strong
So hard as worrried she will be attacked when drunk, abducted, sex trafficking etc etc

OP posts:
Durdledore · 03/04/2024 08:07

There is something underlying this extreme self-abuse. It’s often childhood sexual abuse.

Original poster
canttakeberries · 03/04/2024 08:09

Mayflower282 · 03/04/2024 03:56

One of my friends was like this, she was in and out of rehab for years. Eventually it came out that she had been sexually abused by her father for years.

Yeah that hasn't happened.
But very sad for people it does happen to.
Her dad is amazing and has done nothing but try and help her.
Also our dd is very mouthy and would tell me straight away. She would probably beat him up...
I get it happens to some people though and absolutely terrible.

OP posts:
Original poster
canttakeberries · 03/04/2024 08:13

She was badly bullied primary school and didn't fit in from secondary school.
Also I remember one time being on holiday and she was early teens on her phone talking to someone and me and oh something seemed to change with her after that call!!!
My oh reminded of this recently and I remember it. It was strange. She said she was talking to a lad but wandered if she exposed herself or something!?

OP posts:
Original poster
canttakeberries · 03/04/2024 08:23

Durdledore · 03/04/2024 08:07

There is something underlying this extreme self-abuse. It’s often childhood sexual abuse.

Yeah that does happen with some but not by us. We have done everything to help her and so had oh. I'm sad for people that this happened to. Awful.
It's been tough though trying to help our dd as we have always tried to be supportive caring there for her and I think she wants friends even if they are wrong type. No help this week with my dad dying. Can't believe what a handful she has been this last week. Really disappointed.

OP posts:
Original poster
canttakeberries · 03/04/2024 08:24

Willmafrockfit · 03/04/2024 04:11

is there another relative that can have a word with her?
surely she must run out of money?

She sold stuff we bought her previously and has stolen from shops

OP posts:
eatsleepfarmrepeat · 03/04/2024 08:30

canttakeberries · 03/04/2024 07:59

Shaver's bed every night because of using ket previously and that's knackering changing washing linen too constantly

Show quote history

Gently, this parenting approach will not be helping the situation. I can’t understand how impossibly difficult it must be to have to wash shitty bedsheets from a 21year old child, but the lack of boundaries are why she’s just continuing.

You’ve said your house is a wreck through her behaviour, what have you done to show her this is not ok?

It is time to get really tough on her, and that means she aorts her own shit out, behaves in your house or she leaves. There isn’t an option to gently navigate through this with conversation anymore.

Original poster
canttakeberries · 03/04/2024 08:39

I would rather she lived somewhere near but not with us anymore but current situation in this country, her lack of job et it's not going to happen.

OP posts:
Nannyamc · 03/04/2024 08:53

I have sent a dm to you.

Original poster
canttakeberries · 03/04/2024 08:59

Also lots of support on here but it's so difficult as I have picked her up where she is covered in bruises from falling over when drunk, slurring, doesn't know what town she in etc
One time in car with me and she looked at me and did know I was her mum😭😭😭as so drunk or taken drugs. It was terrible.
Many other similar times.
So it's hard to say off you go.....

I'm at breaking point. I love her but she is going end up dead. As falling over all the time etc so many things I could say. Constant worry and anxiety. Not how I thought my life would be. Got to attend dads funeral soon and not sure if I will be able to have her there as can't guarantee she won't be high💔😩

OP posts:
Original poster
canttakeberries · 03/04/2024 09:06

Bbbbbbbby · 03/04/2024 01:07

I'm so sorry about your Dad.

Sorry if this has been suggested before but have you had any therapy for yourself. Not to know how to,deal,with your daughter but to get help with how to deal with the situation and your feelings.

How does she get money?

Can't afford it at present
But famanon good support

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 03/04/2024 09:19

I'm so sorry about your Dad. I hope the funeral goes well. Flowers

There will be an underlying cause to this behaviour. You say you're disappointed about her behaviour this week, which suggests to me she can be lovely and caring. But the bereavement will affect her too, so it's not surprising that her behaviour is still awful.

If she's attempted to take her life she must be seriously unhappy, and I actually think this situation is beyond tough love. I do think you have to explain to her how her behaviour is affecting you though. She probably has no idea. Have you asked her what she wants out of life, and how you can support her achieving that?

Original poster
canttakeberries · 03/04/2024 09:28

LynetteScavo · 03/04/2024 09:19

I'm so sorry about your Dad. I hope the funeral goes well. Flowers

There will be an underlying cause to this behaviour. You say you're disappointed about her behaviour this week, which suggests to me she can be lovely and caring. But the bereavement will affect her too, so it's not surprising that her behaviour is still awful.

If she's attempted to take her life she must be seriously unhappy, and I actually think this situation is beyond tough love. I do think you have to explain to her how her behaviour is affecting you though. She probably has no idea. Have you asked her what she wants out of life, and how you can support her achieving that?

Yeah she is lovely beautiful inside somewhere still there. We love her very much.
But not much loveliness from her since all this alcohol drugs.
Told her how she impacted our lives
She apologises ok for a day or few hours and gets worse.
Don't know what to do for best.

OP posts:
Lilybetsey · 03/04/2024 09:47

Give her notice. Today. She will
Need to present herself as homeless to your local council. As a young woman she will be housed - it might be a hostel and is unlikely to be nice. But you cannot help her because she is not willing to help herself. And until she does , no input from you will make any difference. I have been here, and I made my son leave. Today , 6 years later he is working, in a flat and doing well. We have a good relationship now. I'm not saying it was not very hard, but it was destroying me and my three younger children. Allowing her to stay is enabling this behaviour and wrecking your home life.

Mabelface · 03/04/2024 09:54

I would seriously look at her being assessed for ADHD/autism, particularly as the issues started in puberty as that's when the wheels can fall off.

Sounds like she's constantly looking for that dopamine high as her brain doesn't produce it properly. Absolutely normal for ADHD to do this to someone, but the extremes are individual.

Not only would you get answers, she would too and meds can help enormously.

Swipe left for the next trending thread