Son off the rails making me/oh I'll

[canttakeberries]

Our dd age 21 completely off the rails for years. Making us ill especially me.
Every boundary she has stepped or dived into.
We are a loving normal working family but she just isn't getting her life together.
So many things to say but it has all magnified as my father died last week and our dd going usual out with mates drinking,drugs, vandalism and just has broken my heart as thought it would make her step up and be supportive but she has been terrible this week. I am shocked at how selfish she has become and has been for along time. I feel davastated.
Has anyone asked their child to leave home? I don't want to do this but nothing is changing no matter what we do!
We have done so much to try and help her but she says she has mental health issues and this is reason.
We have paid for counselling, you name it we have done it but don't know how to help her anymore. She falls about from alcohol, incontinent from taking too much ket previously,
Arguing when out with people. Feels no one understands her. Does not help us at home. Only time when she wants cash or a lift. I thought she would have grown out of this by now.
Has damaged lots of our stuff by being careless. House is a wreck. I could go on and on. I love her but so worried that she is going to end up dead, hurting someone else or in prison. We have normal values like not stealing etc and she has done this too. So many things to worry about.
She seemed to always end up with friends who have problems which she then has too.
Any similar stories?

Oh God your daughter sounds exactly like I was 22+ for years...eventually siblings cut me off...thing is parents paid for me to see a therapist and he actually caused a lot of damage!!😕 so much damage honestly, be careful whom you get involved

I hope not
My dd isn't capable of looking after herself let alone a child!!!!

What helped you?
Are you ok now?

I can identify with this. You’ve tried everything to change her behaviour and you are exhausted.
Maybe change tact .. change your behaviour towards her if she is too absorbed in herself. Try not to accommodate and enable her. Work together as a family to have the same tactic as you will be stronger as a team.
I really do feel for you Op x

Yeah i think so. I hate to say this but I am switching off to her in my mind to self preserve myself especially as dad died and I can't deal with her selfishness. Tried talking before and one of comments was 'lm bored now'

Sorry to hear about your dad. Must have been such a stressful time for you. As far as your daughter goes, DH and I do tend to go gently on my two young adult sons and they are a bit spoiled, but there are some things which we just wouldn't accept if they want to be part of this family, and I'm afraid I, and DH, would have put our foot down well before this point had been reached.

Your daughter is old enough to take responsiblity for her own decisions, actions, choices and consequences. The trouble is that it sounds like there have been no consequences for her up to now as you've protected her from them. If you've shown her the right path up to now then it's entirely her choice if she wants to veer off it, as long as she's aware that you're not with her if she chooses the wrong path, but you'll welcome her with open arms if she gets herself back on the right path.

Yeah I totally agree.
A few months ago in the middle of the night I was in a big acute hospital accident service with her because she had tried to kill herself so it's very hard to not be there and just say you're on your own.
They offered mental health support.
She declined.
She has replaced drugs with alcohol.
Lazy. Not working. Walked out of one job, fired from another job for unreliable behaviour week one.
Damaged our house just through slamming around, never cleans up after herself, I could go on and on and on. She blames her mental heath on everything. Uses it as an excuse and manipulative.

OP sorry to hear your sad news. I hope you find some peace soon.

Thankyou
I feel done in
Life just hadn't been good for along time. Everything that could go wrong has and I am feeling burnt out😰

So she's run through every possible excuse there is for her behaviour without making any effort to help herself.
Meanwhile, your mental health is plummeting because you want to help her.
All mothers want to help their children when they are going through tough times.
But, there is a time when you need to step back, not only because you will go under, but also because you have nothing left to give - and rightfully so, because you have offered all of the help you can think of.
Tell her she needs to leave if she can't get it together - that either means engaging with mental health support, addiction support and / or looking for a job. Put a time limit on it (a month would be reasonable to at least look into some of these).
Meanwhile, put some boundaries in place in your home. If she wants to live in a shitheap in her room, fair enough, but she should be cleaning up after herself in communal areas and at least removing dirty crockery / cutlery, food waste and laundry in her room.
Then stand firm. She will likely have tantrums etc, but in the long term you will be doing her a favour. She needs to learn how to be able to live an independent life, without needing someone to bale her out except for in the most dire circumstances - and she isn't at the moment.

Well I have a fair amount of guilt and regret going on ...we went as a family to a very good family therapist eventually who pointed a finger at me and said ' I think you've caused problems in the family..but it's done YOU a lot of harm!!' and he was right...that behaviour wasted years of my life and its difficult to reconcile with that sometimes. It does sound as though your child is being v self destructive 💔

Plus please bear in mind about the 'scapegoating' trap..

I agree with all you say but just lost my energy/given up but need to get it back

You can support from a distance, both literally and metaphorically. If she needs a "reponsible adult" to pick her up from hospital if she's tried to take her life, or from the police station, you could do that if you feel inclined, and then take her to her own flat or wherever she's living. You don't HAVE to have her living with you. You need a nest for yourself, a haven, where you can feel fully relaxed and recuperate from all the shit she puts you through. If you have your daughter ruining your haven then your own mental health is going to decline and decline. You must not let that happen.

I'd suggest that if you don't do it already that you start writing in a diary. One day, your DD might try to blame you for her behaviour, without considering how her behaviour has affected YOU. Don't let her rewrite history. You need to have a record of things from your point of view. Perhaps one day she will be open to reading it.

How do you mean?

Yes good idea
Done so much
Me and oh not perfect but have really tried to do out best and be good parents

@canttakeberries, so take a few days to draw breath. Don't engage except to grey rock - that's a shame, sorry you feel like that etc, then sit her down when you are ready. You may well feel massively better once you have drawn your line in the sand - and you will genuinely be helping your daughter - she needs to learn to live as an adult and you are giving her the impetus to do so.

I think (if it were me) I would pick my moment, and draw your line. Give her 6 weeks to get a job, get help for her addictions through AA/NA and get clean (obviously a work in progress) tell her you will not tolerate drink, drugs, any illegal or unwanted behaviours.
If she breaks your conditions, you make her homeless. She will present at council offices and they will maybe find her some temporary accommodation or she will have to rough it for a few days on the streets. It will be up to her, but you must follow through on your consequences or she'll continue to take you for a fool.

I wish the Gov would do an anti-drugs campaign.

Many Ket users end up with Ket incontinence, in custody they have to ask for adult size nappies and many are embarrassed, I think this has quite an impact on their ‘what’s the point’ attitude and does take away a lot of the hunger for any change.

The gov have drink drive campaigns for example, some really hard hitting shoot from the hip campaigns would help.

I always remember Leah Betts parents campaign and it had a huge impact on myself and friends at the time. They probably don’t know but from their daughter’s sad death their parents campaigning saves many lives.

Im not sure what to suggest, the family anon link is good support for you, your daughter has to be the one to break the chain but also know that you have a limit and when she is ready, only then you will have her back and support her.

If you think she has been involved in County Lines there is specialist modern day slavery support which might help.

We didn’t have these problems, @canttakeberriesbut that never means we don’t understand or have the utmost respect and empathy for you.
What you’re going through is heartbreaking.
You love the person who’s tearing your family apart.
It’s a bit like Dr. Doolittle’s pushmepullyou, the llama-looking animal that had 2 heads & front legs. It’s constantly pulling you in two different directions.
I wish you love and I wish you peace.

I am so sorry OP, this must be super stressful.

Her behaviour seems extreme so I would be tempted to ask for a full MH assessment by a psychiatrist to rule out conditions. Bipolar can present as aggressive, destructive and reckless behaviours, as can untreated ADHD and I am sure many other conditions.

If you evict her i..e. make her homeless, and she has a priority need, the local authority will need to accommodate her at least on an interim basis. Your daughter sounds like she is vulnerable so might well fall under one of the priority need categories:
https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/priority_need

If she qualifies for interim accommodation they will then look into whether they owe her the main housing duty - that is a duty to find her settled accommodation. For that she will need to show that she is not homeless intentionally. That might be difficult if you say you are kicking her out because of her behaviour. But instead you could say that you are unable to meet her mental health needs at the compromise of your own. There is nothing to stop you from supporting her through the application process and once she has moved.

I appreciate though that this is a very difficult thing to do when you are concerned she might harm herself. It really sounds to me that her behaviour is more than just bad behaviour and something else is going on.

I’m really sorry to hear what you all are going through OP.
It sounds like your daughter needs a psychiatric assessment. Her GP would have to refer her to secondary mental health services, with her consent of course.

She needs help but until she realises that for herself, there is absolutely nothing you can do. You have tried it all- love & support isn't getting you any results. Instead you are now suffering too.

Everything else has failed so it seems like it's time for tough love. It probably won't get you the result you want either but you are out of options.

Give her a timeline - conform to certain rules or move out. Explain you still love her and will always be there for her and if she actively engages with professional help & wanting to change you will support her but until then the situation cannot continue under your roof.

You'll end up mentally fried shortly. Research out to services for families of addicts- it impacts you as much as ger just in different ways.

Was coming on to write exactly this. She needs to realise that she needs help and until she does there is nothing you can do.

Give her a clear timeline and follow through.

Please also look for some support for yourself. There is loads out there for family members / friends / loved ones of people with addictions.

I'm so sorry about your Dad.

Sorry if this has been suggested before but have you had any therapy for yourself. Not to know how to,deal,with your daughter but to get help with how to deal with the situation and your feelings.

How does she get money?