How men and women seem to differ so much after a divorce

[bloomingorchids]

I myself have been divorced for about 7 years and the pain was horrendous. I had counselling, worked on myself, 'lightly dated' and spent several years working through the loss of my marriage.
I've noticed lately that several friends my age (50s) have also got divorced. One finding religion, another focusing on her health and fitness and another getting a horse!
All the husbands on the other hand, leapt straight into another relationship, seemingly discarding the old lives, kids and family home without a backwards glance.
It made me wonder if men suffer more down the line when the novelty of the new relationship has worn off, and they possibly they start to mulch things over in their heads?

@bloomingorchids
All the husbands on the other hand, leapt straight into another relationship,

I reckon most of them already had a handy other woman. Not many men take a leap without a safety net!!!

💯- I also think once the child rearing age has passed then there’s a definite shift in women not being bothered about being in a relationship.

The pattern I have noticed is in who initiated the divorce. That is the person who tends to move on faster, even without infidelity.

in my social circles, I have noticed that it is more often the women who leave. So they do seem to recover more quickly, not necessarily dating again, just processing the divorce and building a new life.

It makes sense if the other person feels the divorce was a bit of a surprise.

There’s lots of (affluent) men at work who get divorced in their 40’s (ex wives also in 40’s).

Within a year/18 months most are engaged/remarried to an affluent professional woman from the office in her 30’s with no kids, where the proceed to be ‘good’ husbands tbh. The ex-wives were usually housewives with low-earner jobs before they had DC.

A middle-aged divorced man appears to be desirable; a middle-aged divorced women with dc isn’t.

These men are rich enough (investment banking) that the ex can have the home, and they are well-enough off to start again. Seems to make a difference

Most people I know, male and female, seem to have either moved on to a new serious relationship almost immediately or nothing for years. The two most recent ones, both women, were in new relationships within a few days!

These men are rich enough (investment banking) that the ex can have the home, and they are well-enough off to start again. Seems to make a difference

Yes it makes a huge difference as money makes middle aged divorced men far more desirable to younger women.

Meanwhile the dating apps are full of 40+ non wealthy men wondering why they don’t have a long line of eligible females desperate to sleep with them.

Perhaps those 40+ men not finding young women wanting to sleep with them should look to women their own age and not being creepy

That's my experience too. Amongst friends in their 30s/40s both men and women seem to find new partners equally quickly.

The middle aged divorced women with a paid off luxury house and dc in private schools dinner to struggle to find men. These women are generally well educated and very attractive.

None of the investment banker types I know married women in low end jobs. They tended to meet women at university or early on in their career working at the same place.

Having worked in investment banking/management 35 years, there’s a highly % of the men in that industry who have a wife at home with the kids and a side chick at the office that they’re in a relationship with in plain sight - usually younger and in a more junior role. Seen it over and over again.
Yet when the divorce comes through, it’s rarely the long term office partner they end up marrying

Completely true. That’s why no woman has a secret second family. She’s usually up to her elbows in childcare and cleaning, no woman is opting to do that x2.

My DB moved on obscenely fast after his wife died, likewise my DF. My XH had already moved on before we separated lol. Men, even good men, see other people as expendable. If there’s a gap, they fill it, job done (unless they have suffered abuse, I believe). I found that realisation very distressing for a while, then I thought - fuck it, if you can’t beat them, join them! I don’t believe any man is worthy of my devotion, so I have a DP but I have emotionally held back from him. He’s a really lovely chap but I’ll never put as much into him as I did into my marriage.

Agreed. It’s an unattached one.

Also often the wife knows. It’s a grubby little deal, as long as it stays at work and doesn’t darken their door with friends and neighbours etc.

This. I only know one man who puts knas much as he takes out of the marriage.

Yep. The trade off is the wife uses the credit card and spends the school holidays with the kids in the house in Florida and turns a blind eye to keep the lifestyle.

Marriage is not the full story but it seems men ARE more likely to remarry following a divorce than women.
https://www.berenjifamilylaw.com/blog/fascinating-remarriage-statistics-2022-update/#:~:text=Men%20Are%20More%20Likely%20to%20Remarry&text=The%20remarriage%20rate%20for%20men,a%20second%20marriage%20than%20women.

Also when wives die and the man is married less than a year later while the woman takes time to grieve and cherish memories before letting go.

I meant exactly that - people are less reckless in their middle-age or when they have more to lose / have children to think about

someone who is already set financially may not be so willing to for example move in with their partner and that can hinder progress of serious relationships

I think men more often need somewhere to live after a realtionship breakdown.

I can name three men who have moved onto new live in relationships very quickly, with women who just happen to have their own place. Their ex wives stayed in the family home, with the children, so didn't have the same need.

Why the single female homeowners were so willing is beyond me.

I know a bloke in his 50’s who in the 8/9 years I’ve known him has moved in with 3 different women - all of them had their own place - and inbetween he’s gone back to his mums. He’s literally king of the cock lodgers

The latest is a decade older, retired and mortgage free 🤷‍♀️

Well that was the experience of my husband. He started dating me nine months after separating but I don't think his ex dated further ages and didn't remarry or have a partner.
But he certainly didn't 'abandon' his kids or move on without a backward glance! His oldest moved in with us and when he moved out at 18 the next one moved on. He supported her financially as well as gave her all the equity from their marriage home (so she was able to buy a house in London outright).
He said it wasn't as if they both woke up and decided not to be married - it was at least four years of increasing distance. In the end she asked him to leave. I think they were both handling the divorce well until I entered the picture, and when she understood that we were serious turned a bit nasty (divorce wasn't finalised yet and we did get engaged very soon). I think she thought the fact he could move on so quickly was a reflection of how he felt about her and their marriage, and I could understand that, but he saw no reason to constantly go over what might have been - the decision to divorce was mutual,

@mondaytosunday
"As well as gave her all the equity from their marriage home"
Nope. "gave her all the equity" is the wrong wording.
Their assets were split as part of a financial consent order and she received what she was entitled-to after raising their children.
It's an important distinction, and you have his version of events remember.

I’m convinced the drive to partner with someone is largely dictated by one’s ability to procreate. Which is why men need women later on in life (because they are fertile into old age) and women at menopausal age give up for an easy life, should they divorce.

am not saying it’s conscious but I think hormones make us think we need a partner when really it’s just nature securing the next generation. Take away the subconscious drive to make babies and we’d all just be great friends!! 😀