How men and women seem to differ so much after a divorce

[bloomingorchids]

I myself have been divorced for about 7 years and the pain was horrendous. I had counselling, worked on myself, 'lightly dated' and spent several years working through the loss of my marriage.
I've noticed lately that several friends my age (50s) have also got divorced. One finding religion, another focusing on her health and fitness and another getting a horse!
All the husbands on the other hand, leapt straight into another relationship, seemingly discarding the old lives, kids and family home without a backwards glance.
It made me wonder if men suffer more down the line when the novelty of the new relationship has worn off, and they possibly they start to mulch things over in their heads?

For men with kids, seeing as generally they don't have 50% custody, and generally omly do every other weekend, they've got a lot more time, money and headspace to start up a new relationship than the mum whose got them the majority of the time.
For couples without kids, I'd say it's honestly about even - I would say that generally in my experience, women tend to be a bit more self-aware that jumping straight into another relationship might not (for various reasons) go down well publicly, so will keep it quiet for longer.

I don't think it's about gender - it's more about whether someone actually feels hurt. I was super happy getting divorced and absolutely ready to start dating again. It was first time in years when I felt I had a future to look forwards to

One thing I've noticed when speaking to some of my friends, people who feel hurt by the divorce tend to focus on the relationship they have hoped for, not one they actually had. I've heard things like "I wanted us to have a nice family life", "I wish my children had a full family", "I wish he treated me in such and such way"...letting go of a fantasy could be a trick for some

My XH and I split up twenty years ago. Since then I’ve been largely single, other than one promising relationship a few years ago which ended when he died suddenly. I’m happy on my own now. Meanwhile, my ex move my successor in within a few weeks of me leaving, has had three long term relationships and countless flings (he liked to tell me about them to prove he wasn’t frigid like me… 🙄) and has just married his latest wife. All his relationships have overlapped - he literally hasn’t even had a week on his own. He’s now 65 and I (and our children) do wonder whether he’s ever going to grow up.

I'm going to be completely honest here, as I've reflected a LOT on why I so desperately wanted a man in my 20s and why - in my 40s and recently separated - I couldn't care less about having a man in my life.

In 2004, when I was 24 and a young professional living in rented accommodation I really began to feel a primal urge to have children.

An almost equally strong urge I had was to own my own home, after years of horrible renting experiences (some quite traumatic, being burgled by my landlady's relative, being SA by my landlord).

So when my H came along and offered me both housing security and the potential for children I jumped at the chance to marry him, which I did.

Then the marriage fell apart when the kids were teens. I'm 44 now.

I own my house outright. My two teen DDs are amazing and all the live in company I need.

Perimenopause (and multiple experiences of SA) have seen to my sex drive.

I don't feel any kind of primal or survival need to have a man in my life. Even if I did, the risks are too high - potential for them to abusive to my DD's or me just why would I bother for so little return?

I would say that in my line of work I work with a LOT Of kids and it's always Dad who moves in. Usually with a single mother with her own home.

I often think it's as much to do with financial stability - if the woman keeps the home (because she keeps the kids) then it makes sense for the man to move in with a woman with her home (see this across all social strata - whether she's a homeowner or has her own social housing).

I think it has far less to do with emotions (on either side) than it does with practicialities. We just don't like to admit that.

I disagree with this. I don't feel hurt or wish things were different. I'm glad it's over and I'm glad I'm not in any kind of relationship.

@illbehonestnow that's just an observation, I didn't mean to say this applies to everyone

and I think you may be onto something with practicalities, although I think there is another layer to that

When I divorced I was still young and I was still hopeful to find my "great love", I wanted to experience that. I also made a massive point of not allowing myself to be completely jaded, although I mostly failed at it. I didn't need a man from practical point of view, if anything I was better off on my own (e.g. I was in a position to get a mortgage on my own). I actually willingly complicated my life for love 😜Not sure if I'd be bothered in my 40s

You mustn't have wanted children then. I really did. And I definitely needed a man for that.

@illbehonestnow I was lukewarm on the idea, only decided for children when I "met a right man", but really wanted to have one more go at being in a relationship

Then there are women who want children but are not bothered about keeping the man

I fully agree.

People online are often braver, smarter and better than they are IRL. That is pretty normal and MN is the same perhaps.

Yes, they end up dying alone in some crappy nursing home, forgotten

Depends on who was most unhappy/did the leaving. They usually have made up their mind to leave and then find a new person pretty quickly. I also found that a person usually mulls over divorce for two years and when they finally do separate, that person has already gotten over it.

Yeah maybe.
Just from my observations IRL it’s the women after divorce I desperate for another man. They seem to chase the dream relationship their marriage didn’t deliver for whatever reasons.

It’s the men I see staying single (ish) just busying themselves by furthering their careers / hobbies / fitness etc with some casual weekend dating but no zero intention of getting tangled up in another LTR.

In my limited experience, women have more social connections after divorce and don't necessarily need another man to satisfy their emotional needs, especially if they have kids. Men on the other hand, don't often seem to have a large support network so they are more in need of someone.

My parents and my aunt/uncle in law both divorced. My dad/uncle jumped straight into new relationships, but mum/aunt had their hands filled with the kids and feel new husbands will just add to their busy workload.

I went out with someone who having separated had 3 relationships in 3 years and was literally single for weeks in between....he literally didn't understand how his wife couldn't see their divorce as a fantastic opportunity to start again...at the age of 57 having been married for 25 years. Pity I didn't realise sooner what a twat he was.

It's generally much easier for a divorced man to find a new relationship than a divorced woman unless both are fairly young.

Once you hit 50 the choice of men your own age is dismal and the men who are datable tend to date younger.

Yes my situation was similar to yours. Ex hurried to move in with someone else. Clearly needs mothering. I’m just glad it’s not me doing it! I think a lot of men can’t be on their own.

In my group of friends and acquaintances, the deciding factor appears to be financial security rather than gender.

The two people who are financially comfortable, wealthy even, have not pursued another relationship whereas all of the others have. It made me wonder whether some people seek new relationships for practical or financial reasons, that these are important deciding factors.

@lemonmeringueno3 or the opposite is true - those who have reached financial security guard their money like dragons.

I can also imagine that by middle age that would be yet another attempt at starting over and at that point I think people who are back on the dating market may simply wish to try something new (ie not the relationship)

'guard their money like dragons'?

What does that mean?

I have financial security. My daughters are the most important people in the world to me and I'm not going to risk their chance to inherit from me (which I know isn't guaranteed anyway, care home fees etc).

Why am I a 'dragon' for that?

Why should I throw away mine and my daughter's security on a relationship (least of all when I have no interest in one).

Makes perfect sense to me not to be financially reckless.

Mind you, lots of people put a new relationship ahead of their children's interests. There was a lengthy thread on blended families recently regarding that.

I've been single for around 22 years and have only been on one date in that time, which I didn't really want to go on. I most certainly don't "want to find a man" and I love being single. And I am very, very, far from being the type many MNers are and I certainly don't think all men are bastards - in fact I often stand up for them on here.

My exDH has had a few brief flings, but nothing for several years.

I also have a friend who has been single for as long as I've known her - not because she wants to be, that's just how it's turned out.

@illbehonestnow excellent post. Couldnt agree more.

For me there is little to be gained and a lot to be potentially lost. I'd never move a random in with my teens, but more importantly than that, I don't want an older pervy gent 15 years my senior. No men of my own age want me, and that's disappointing but it's a story as old as time.

Plus I love my own company and am never bored or lonely. Ideally I'd have a partner but if it doesn't happen, we'll, that'll be OK too.

Following

My divorcing female friends don't want to leap into another relationship!
They want to date and have some sex...

The men seem to want to just go straight into another relationship asap. Can't cope alone I guess.