How men and women seem to differ so much after a divorce

[bloomingorchids]

I myself have been divorced for about 7 years and the pain was horrendous. I had counselling, worked on myself, 'lightly dated' and spent several years working through the loss of my marriage.
I've noticed lately that several friends my age (50s) have also got divorced. One finding religion, another focusing on her health and fitness and another getting a horse!
All the husbands on the other hand, leapt straight into another relationship, seemingly discarding the old lives, kids and family home without a backwards glance.
It made me wonder if men suffer more down the line when the novelty of the new relationship has worn off, and they possibly they start to mulch things over in their heads?

Oh god the moving on my men after death is SWIFT! It's a bit disturbing actually.

But obviously you can't say that because "everyone copes in the best way they can"

But yep it's like jeeze THAT was fast!

FFS 🙈

OP fits with my experience - XH and I are both early 40s. Split and XH had engaged with someone else within the week, (I could see them interacting online) and had their first date within a month of us splitting up and she had also only been single for a few weeks. He maintains he didn’t cheat (I believe him) but he moved on very quickly. They moved in together after a year - I think it was convenience to be honest, he was in a position to buy and she needed somewhere to live. They got engaged on their 2 year anniversary. I think she sees him as her rescuer and I’m sure he loves playing the part. He’s not a nice man though (was emotionally abusive) and I’m sure his mask is slipping.
I am dating now, met someone just under a year after I split from XH. However we both own our own homes so there will be no rush to move in together. DC to think of too. I think if I had no sex drive I would feel differently though!

I've found it depends more on who mainly wanted the marriage to end. The person who was unhappy in the relationship usually manages better when they are out of it.

But if men are dating women 10 years younger then there are women happy to date men 10 years older. So there are 58 year old men dating 48 year old women. So those 48 year old women are clearly happy dating older men. Why aren't you and your friends?

Absolutely agree with this.

@underthemilky
I don't want to date an old man because I don't find them attractive in the least. A man pushing 60. No thanks.
I think it's perhaps different if you have been with an older man for many years with a shared history and kids.
I don't need to financially and I'm lucky to have that choice.

@Lookingforunicorns

Totally I’m 55 and most men of my own age seem so much older and set in their ways than the women, let alone anyone a decade older than me. Someone approaching retirement doesn’t appeal at all.

I have found the same as a PP that the single women my age have far more active social lives and friendship groups than the men. I’ve spoken to lots of men my age who literally do nothing all weekend but stay home watching Netflix and Sky Sports with the very occasional trip to the pub. Whereas the women I know are always meeting up, nights out, weekends away, holidays abroad etc. I’ve had so many men say ‘you’re so busy how can you have time for a relationship’ like not being ready for pipe and slippers after divorce is a bad thing 🤷‍♀️

A man who becomes single in his fifties will very easily find a woman in her forties who wants to snap him up. A woman who becomes single in her fifties will find very few attractive options, unless she wants to date much older men.

I'm not saying all women in their fifties want a new man anyway, but if they had the same options available that men do I'm certain more would enter new relationships, and do so more quickly.

I have a predominantly male friendship circle, so I am speaking from my 30+ year relationship with this group.

Men don’t cope as well on their own. They struggle without affection and need a woman to make them feel good about themselves. Men don’t compliment each other the way women do, so they don’t get little boosts from friends the way we do. They typically don’t have the same solidarity that comes with female friendship groups, therefore don’t get the opportunity to externalise their feelings. I would also go as far as to say that men can really struggle in their own company.

Fits with the saying women grieve, men replace

Men can find it really hard too . They tend to be the one that see the kids less . It’s a lot harder to feel lonely when you have to work 50 hours and then care for the kids most of the time

So yeah the men move on as they want sex but tend to bring their baggage 🧳 with them

Women I think cope with being single a lot better

Yes this is what I see too

@PotatoPudding

Totally agree

This makes a lot of sense.
Emotionally checked out a long time before, either due to affair and/or communication breakdown.

Divorce frees women and lightens their load. It burdens men with the task of having to look after themselves.

This is so true!

In my experience there's a type of person who is "default partnered" and will waste no time looking for and getting into a relationship after the previous one ended. And there's a type of person who is "default single" who may well be in a solid relationship, but would be perfect happy on their own indefinitely if it ended. It doesn't seem gendered at all to me - known plenty of women who hit up the dating sites minutes after becoming single, plenty of men who were happy to just focus on themselves for a while, as well as vice versa. But I haven't got to the stage where I know of 50-somethings splitting up so maybe it changes with age.

Maybe it's a generational thing, I can imagine this is the case with older men but I think most men my age are more aware of this pitfall and put more effort into friendships (also, all my friendship groups are mixed, so if a male friend becomes single he wouldn't be stuck with a bunch of taciturn fellow men at all).

Agree re deaths

In my dc school class, one of the mums lost her husband. This was years ago, she devoted herself to her kids and hasn't met anyone else or even looked.

One of the class dads lost his wife...he hooked up with another school mum in a matter of months.

.

I have heard of more than one man taking his new GF to their wife’s funeral (apparently genuinely new, I’m sure there are others who just introduce their longstanding affair partner as “my new GF”, but in these cases these were 2nd or 3rd dates and the GF seemed bemused to be invited). Either way, grim.

edited for typo

I think it's also easier and less risky for men to meet a new woman.

If you have kids and you're a woman you need to very careful about introducing a new man to your kids...men are far more likely to be paedophiles or violent. Whereas if a single dad meets a woman, he can be much more confident that she won't harm his children.

Also women are more likely to have custody so logistically dating is more difficult as you need babysitters.

When I split from my exh I sewed some wild oats for a while but then met a woman and we're now civilly partnered. The ex got married weeks after the ink was dry on the divorce papers. So we both coupled up relatively quickly, but he moved faster than I did. If DW and I ever parted ways I wouldn't bother dating again I don't think. Incorporating a new person into an established family unit is complex and can be difficult. I don't really have it in me to do it again.

This is interesting and would make sense. Never thought of it in this way.

I think the kind of men available to divorced women in their fifties is just a bit shit.
Most divorced men in their fifties seem to chase much younger women, no matter what they look like themselves.